Update on the Life:

Super ramble:

I got pregnant during my RYT with Buti Yoga....it was crazy, and I totally freaked out the last weekend. I did awesome on my demos, but failed the musculature system portion of the test. At the time, I was also living at a CAMPSITE in Massachusetts with my 3 year old, 1 year old, a few months after moving from Hawaii to Maine, and then Maine to Masschusetts!! Damn, I guess something had to give. I didn't do any more Buti after that, what with the morning sickness and basically preoccupied with traveling and moving. I was even in Texas for a month and a half! I think we're in our more permanent home now, though, in western Washington. Anyway, I miss Buti Yoga - at first I was missing the movements, and the surrender, but now I am missing the fucking badass female empowerment that I felt. I feel like pregnancy has a tendency to take me down a few pegs and challenge my self-image to the extreme - I become vulnerable. But in that vulnerability, I see strength too...the strength to get through. The strength to let go. In my reflections, I find myself thinking A LOT about the Ring of Fire that you go through with birth...you literally have to go through it, as though into it, whole-heartedly, so that your baby can come out. That moment is so extreme. All of life strains to deliver life. I haven't forgotten how extreme it felt...that Ring of Fire, that opening, that yearning to push a human life into the world. The wild frantic pain of it...crazy crazy crazy pain. Everything stops as the Ring approaches. You can't avoid it anymore. You have to go through the pain, into the fire...into the churning heat of a primordial soup. The lava of human existence, gushing through your veins, drowning you in agony, in search of release, the burning, burning, burning. You're dissolved in the desperate fire of a raging portal to the Life Beyond, and you know you probably won't ever come back the same. .

I remember giving birth, and I think about it...and it helps prepare me. I am entering the stage of pregnancy where you start to feel a bit more isolated. I'm turning to a spiritual practice of ritual to help me through. There is strength in being vulnerable, in releasing yourself, to keep focusing on that release...in daily behavior and practice. I can keep evolving and keep changing to honor the needs of my soul. It's been a wild year. In fact the past 2 years, starting with Seraphina's birth, have been a series of RAPID changes in our lives. But I think we have flowed with it all pretty well, all things considered. And we've learned A LOT along the way...

Change.

I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

JOY.

I find myself spontaneously breaking into BUTI yoga dancing throughout the day lately!!  It's SOOO awesome to feel so loose and mobile in my hips.  :-D  I have FORGOTTEN what it's like to feel dancing INSIDE translating to dancing OUTSIDE!  The last time I felt physically compelled to start dancing spontaneously was a long time ago!  My body wasn't ready...the more physically FIT I get, the more in shape I become, the more I just WANNA DANCE!!  And Buti yoga is giving the tools and freedom I need to move my body however I want.  It is SHEER JOY to feel such activation in my hips and sacral area! 

Ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you just all of a sudden started dancing, swiveling your hips around, spiraling your body, jumping up and down, kicking up your legs, spinning light with form?  Because if you haven't done any of that lately, you are MISSING OUT!! 

We only have one body in this lifetime!  Gotta MAKE THE MOST OF IT!! 

Buti Yoga Tonight.

I just went to a rocking Buti class in Hilo tonight, at 5:30pm.  I absolutely loved it. I'm so so fortunate that my partner is supportive of me leaving the house this time of day...as people with kids know, it's sort of a delicate time.  The studio is just opening and offering all types of interesting classes for everyone, from martial arts to bellydancing.  And BUTI yoga!  It's located right next to the kombucha bar and the Bears Coffee place.   I was surprised that I really enjoyed the night life.  I nursed up Seraphina and left the family behind eating dinner. 

I was gone only 75 minutes, but during that time, I enjoyed my "freedom" immensely.  When I got to the studio, dusk was just falling and there was a crowd of hippie type folks outside, as well as backpackers.  Oh yeah...it felt good to be in that crowd, with a purpose.  I actually DID feel proud of myself for going to a class and doing something for ME.  I recognized a few people and socialized with some old friends I haven't talked to in awhile.  It was extremely stimulating and extremely pleasurable to BE THERE...hanging out on the sidewalk with all types of people waiting to do a Buti yoga class. 

We chatted and the energy that circulated amongst the crowd of people was eclectic and high vibration.  I was buzzing just hanging out.  I knew from then that it would be a good class. 

What can I say.  I love this Buti stuff.   It feels like TOTAL DEFIANCE to self-consciousness.   Which is fantastic.  It feels like I'm liberating myself.  My post partum body is really taking a shine to the experience.   And I feel so great emotionally later, like purified and satisfied.   I also really enjoy thinking about the metaphysical ramifications from regular Buti practice.   I think the practice of moving and shaking my hips, abs and arms in circular/spiral patterns is definitely doing something to my awareness of Kundalini.  

I can feel that Buti is going to take me to the next level.  I can just FEEL it.  There is a lot of love and support in Buti also...they have a very interactive forum to share and to connect.   And yet I feel like Buti Yoga is still in its infancy as a movement or something.   It's FRESH.   It feels like I'm breaking FREE from something, every time I do the session.   What's interesting is that I really look forward to it.  It's so fun and it feels so intense.  And I'm seeing my strength grow with every session.  I've been practicing it mostly on my own for about 3 weeks, in my upstairs room.  I do the Transformation DVD, and recently I got a subscription to the Buti Tone workouts on the website.   I've only been to a few live classes.  But this is the first class that tonight I feel like I really was able to let go and ACTIVATE in a public class to this degree, partially because my body is finally catching up to the movements I've been making it do.  And partially because I really EXPERIENCED the energy of the class, and it was an energy I enjoyed and was able to participate in fully.  

So here's what I've heard about the 2nd chakra...it's linked to the 6th chakra.    There is something about shaking and circling my hips and becoming dynamic in poses that are usually held still, that just seems to make me so pumped and excited to be alive.   

I have 3 more Buti classes this week...Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.   I'm there.  

When I was 3 months in with Caspian's babyhood, I would have never dreamed of leaving him for 75 minutes at a stretch to go do something like this.  But through the past 2+ years of motherhood, I've come to realize the vital importance of giving to myself, so that I can give to my family.   Doing something "just for me" like Buti is how I'm making being a mother of 2 work for me.  And daddy is pretty good at soothing the baby and she always has a full belly when I go.   So I've let myself off the hook, for 75 minutes a day, to do stuff like this.  So that when I return to my family, my cup is full.  

CORE CENTRIC

Yoga yoga yoga yoga.  

I've been happy because yoga has taken a central place in my life again.   I did my first WHEEL in ages yesterday, and although my flexibility is still not there and I was afraid to push it, at least it was DONE, and now will only get better from HERE.   Back in the day I could throw up wheels anytime, anywhere...I KNOW I can get back to that.  

It's just an entertaining hobby to have when you're a mom...yoga is.  Because it's so liberating and freeing.  It makes you feel different things from the way you move your body.  I had a solid vinyasa flow yesterday and it was beautiful to feel how expansive my body could become.   I felt like I was soaring on the sky.  

Buti yoga is different then traditional yoga for sure.    It's a lot more punchy and dynamic.  You just feel yourself swirling around with the movements and doing things with your body that you didn't think you could do.   I literally thought some of the things that I'm doing in Buti were beyond me, but I'm doing them, and that's exciting.   It requires a willingness to keep going, as these are intense physical energetic exercises.   Of course, you can just go down into child's pose if you feel like you can't go on, but then get right back up. 

You do a lot of swirling of the abdominals and hips in this type of yoga...they call it "tribal" but really, I think they just call it that to mellow down what it actually does.  It awakens your kundalini, plain and simple, and liberates your lower chakras.   And I can't think of anyone in our sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually repressed world who doesn't need that.  I think I know MOST Generator-types need to free themselves from the GROUND up.   You get those hips and sacral released and start freeing yourself and you feel so much better.  I have been feeling lately that every time I do Buti I end up in a psi-dimensional state of being.  Like afterwards .  

My sacral REALLY likes Buti yoga.  I'm not sure why...and I'll still do traditional yoga.  But Buti yoga is pretty amazing.  I love the way that she integrates the Spiral into her workouts. 

More about Buti (news report)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xil7qcvH3wc


Anyway, I've got Buti classes in town for the next few nights...excited.  Doing Buti on my own is interesting but it is something else entirely to do it with other people.   You totally let go of self-consciousness and it can be very humbling, that's for sure.   You have to make yourself a bit vulnerable to do Buti, from my experience...but it's so worth it.  Because vulnerability can = strength. 

BUTI.

Okay so...I came across this fitness phenomenon called Buti Yoga.   My girlfriend on the island has been doing it and it has completely transformed her body.  She had 2 kids under 2 years (the youngest is a year old) and now she has a six pack and tight butt and the leanest legs I've ever seen.  Plus her arms look amazing, really muscular but thin.   I've really seen her body change a lot in a pretty short period of time. 

She showed me a video of what Buti is, and it was really appealing to me from the beginning but also like, "Whoa...that's slightly Scandelous."  As it involves a lot of hip circles and booty shaking.  

Well, I decided to see if it could work for me too. 

I have this to say:

The Kundalini Activation with Buti yoga is insane.  I can hardly remember another time that I've felt so revved.  It's like all the spiral and circular hip motions seem to unlock some incredible energy potential.   I feel way different with Buti in  my life, that's for sure.   I've been doing an hour of Buti and then 30 minutes of vinyasa flow almost every night.  (on the days I don't do Buti, I run)   Buti is really fun, I find myself enjoying the challenge of the body strength and energy that is needed to complete each exercise.  It's HARD WORK though.  It does require you to push yourself.  

As for the "sexual" vibe of the Buti work out, well, I'm not going to lie.  It's made me feel more sexy, as well as sexual.  In fact I'm having the best sex of my life since starting Buti.  You get your hips so free and loose with Buti that it feels like sex is just way better.  But I'm totally okay with this.

A sample Buti class, sped up:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4oT2tM06qo&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A


Another amazing Buti video...gets into what Buti is:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai7z5vuuCrQ&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A&index=11

Growth is Intense

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga.  It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's.  What a TIME of LIFE that was!!  I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away.  I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too.  3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice!  That was the STUFF. 

What changed?  I changed.  I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own.  I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me.  I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow.  At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers.  I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus.  My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer.  I felt so close to him.  I love him.  I didn't process his death either.  Not until years later.  I don't immediately process death.  It has more of a "slow-release" with me.  Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years. 

My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back.  I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage.  I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego.   I was friends with homeless people and junkies.  I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time.  I wanted to party party party.  I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind.  And I did.  I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed.  Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic.  It was a very EXTREME time of life.  I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties.  I had loads and loads of fun.  Maybe too much.  It was just so exciting...and also a bit soul-draining...to feel so free...

Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there.  I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers.  It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children.  I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms.  Many of them were my age.  At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother.  In fact I thought that path was "closed to me."   But it actually did plant the seed. 

When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.  

Finding my CORE again.

Well, this is exciting.

I've been doing yoga lately.  It's been excruciating because I'm so out of practice.  I seriously have to psych myself into doing it hours before it actually happens.  Everything has to be perfect.  My mat must be freshly clean and I must have a spacious quiet area to do it in.  Seraphina must be recently fed and content and Caspian sleeping soundly. 

So I've been getting back into practicing for just over two weeks now.  Off and on...I'd do it one night and then skip like 4 days, then do it again.  Always short sessions...no longer then 25 minutes, except for the one time I did it for an hour at a studio.  Today is my 3rd day in a row on my own to do yoga...and I'm thrilled to say that it's starting to feel GOOD now, and exciting, instead of just plain tiring.  I did about 60 minutes of yoga tonight and it was effective. 

Yoga is another one of those things that I do at night when the kids are sleeping.  I hurt my foot last week so running (though I did push through the pain a few times, just because I'm dumb like that) is out of the question.  But YOGA...wow.  YOGA is becoming more awesome by the day.  I'm starting to FEEL my body in a way I haven't truly felt it, in a long long time.  Tonight especially was the first time in ages I actually made METAPHYSICAL CONNECTION with my CORE.

After a recent baby, this is great news and very exciting.  It reminds me of how thrilling it is to feel capable, balanced and poised in a muscular and graceful yoga body. 

I love having something to work towards in a physical sense.  Your body is your most important fashion accessory.  I can wear pretty clothes and makeup, but if my body isn't being actively worked on, I just don't think I look good.  However, even a short workout or yoga session every day is enough to lift my spirits and make me feel at peace with how I look as a 31 year old mom of 2.

CONFESSION:  I feel like during Seraphina's pregnancy, I REALLY dropped the ball.  I was doing pretty good with exercise and diet until I had a bout of unexplained spotting (blood) at 21 weeks pregnant.  It brought back memories of miscarriage experiences in 2013.   Needless to say I became terrified and extremely anxiety ridden.  I started feeling really sick again and nauseous.  I was afraid to work out, really, and I had people telling me that I should just sit around and gestate and eat what I want, due to the spotting.

I REGRET TAKING THAT ADVICE EVERYDAY, in the post partum period.

YES, I was pushing my exercise too hard while pregnant.  100's of squats and lunges, plus weight lifting and biking, a day.  But just giving into fear and stopping all exercise completely (for the most part) was really really not a good idea.  I regret listening to all those people who also made me feel even more anxious.  I went from being reasonably fit to completely sedentary, pretty much overnight, thanks to the fear of the unknown spotting.  The reason for the spotting was never discovered.  It was a very hard time during my pregnancy.  Hindsight is: I should have at least kept up walking and yoga.  And for GODS SAKE I should have kept my standards for food really really high.  I really slacked off, especially in the third trimester.

Well, I'm about 2 months post partum and in SHOCK at what just a few months of not sticking to my exercise and diet standards while pregnant has done to my body.  I seriously wonder WTF happened.   Transparency: I started pregnancy at 130 pounds exactly, fit as a fiddle with a tight bod, and I'm 163 right now and pretty flabby.  I'm working HARD to get my body back...as hard as I can at 2 months post partum recovering from a sedentary time of life.

Anyway I've learned A LOT from that pregnancy experience. Notes for next time:  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you not to work out and instead says you should sit on your ass while pregnant.  You can at least walk and do some yoga.  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you to eat whatever you want while pregnant.   It is 5x harder to take the weight off later then it is to put it on...keep your food standards HIGH, even if you don't feel like it. 

The thing about my body is that I have European bloodlines.  I'm Scottish and Welsh and my body WANTS to be round, especially with the hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding.  I'm not a woman who shrinks and loses lots of weight due to breastfeeding.   I'm breastfeeding two kids right now, and it hasn't done crap for weightloss.  What HAS seemed to help is regular consistent and intense periods of exercise and a super duper clean and careful diet.  My entire adult life has been like this, even pre-pregnancy.  I'm not a girl who can eat whatever and be thin.  Nope.  If I want to be slim and fit, I have to WORK AT IT.  It takes a lot of discipline. I have to make clean and healthy eating and consistent exercise a daily priority, in order to achieve the results that I want.

I think it's like that for most people.  A great muscular and fit body won't just fall out of the sky.  You have to make time in your life for it. 

Anyway...YOGA has been nice to add into my workout routine.  I can feel my core activating, my hips loosening, and my entire body being restored to a sense of balance...

And because babies are still sleeping and I still have some time to myself tonight before I need to tidy up the house, I'm going to do some weight training.  :-D  Right now. 

"I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE." 

Random Thoughts

Within my neurosis, there is structure.

Within the dysfunction, there is function.  An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp.  To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos.  But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away.   It's Destiny.   And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life.  It all seems crazy and insane.  But it's not.  There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.

This is who I am.  Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic.  I am "unexpected," in other words.   What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?

I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again.  What a beautiful name.  He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi.   I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters.  Really.  I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead.  I believe he is a guru of some sort for me.  I "gell" with him.  I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him.  You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him.  And I totally dig it.   Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood.  This Yogananda guy was such a loving man.  It's almost inconceivable.  He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses.  I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again.  Or another book of his.

Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult.  Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family.  You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself.  The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland.   I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time.  But sometimes, it pops up.  And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.

My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left.  I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone.  Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before.  Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me.  I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year.  Last year I got terrible island fever.  But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet.  Guess I will do the same this year.  Stay in my Hawaiian bubble.   Feed off the vortex of the island. 

To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now.  I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back.  How "different" it is there.  I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight.  It doesn't really feel that long.  But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy. 

IF you can handle it.  

Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head.  There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse. 

I'm learning just to flow with it.  
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."

Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true.  I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE.  This is a long process of trial and error.  But I guess in the end, it works.   The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time. 

The Earth is one singular entity.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be. 

Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food.  It seems like a good idea. 

Burned.

Here, there, everywhere.

My parents are on the Big Island and we have been exploring and traveling every single day.  Today we went over to the Kona side.  We hung out at one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen.  Hapuna Beach.   I am burnt to a crisp.  I swam in the turquoise ocean for over an hour body surfing and snorkeling while Elan slept in my mom's arms.  That was the most fun I've had since being a mom.  Eros and I had a lot of fun together in the water, while my mom held my baby and he slept peacefully.   It was so incredible...Eros and I haven't had any synchronized fun-togetherness time (well, besides sex) in a LONG time.  Usually one of us always has to be with the baby.  It was SURREAL to have so much fun with Eros in the surf.  My mom gave both of us a great gift by taking care of my son.

Sunburn is a serious reminder of where you were before.

Quite frankly, I feel like I "needed" a sunburn.  I wasn't EXPECTING to burn.  But I do remember thinking a slight sunburn would be nice.  It's TOO much though, quite frankly.  I am freaked out with how burned I got.  Oops.  And after I gave my parents a speech on the fierceness of the tropical sun.  I wish I had dark skin that handled the sun better.

Well, it's been ages since I got a bad burn so I'm not too concerned.  Plus I just felt like my skin "needed" a burn.  I don't know why, but it was a feeling I had.  Getting a sunburn is like getting laser surgery. 

But you can bet I learned a valuable lesson about respecting the sun.  I mean, WOW.  I wasn't even out there for THAT long.  Only about an hour and a half. 

Anyway, I had a GREAT day at the beach, so that's what my sunburn means to me: that I had GOOD times with my family.

I am still working on learning to Trust.  Trust what, you ask?  Well...anything and everything.  Not everything deserves trust, of course.  In fact the cynic in me believes you should never trust anything, or anyone.  But I dunno, my ability to function at a high level REQUIRES me to trust, and NOT TO WORRY.  But it's not easy, not at all.  I have all this anxiety built up into me. 

But it is CRITICAL that I relax and release my worries.  The house my parents are staying in right now on the island is a Buddhist retreat house on the ocean.  It's such a gorgeous property.  Anyway, there were pictures of Paramahansa Yogananda all throughout the house.  Including a book that he wrote, on facilitating healing through right action.  This man is such a master.  What do they call them?  Ascended Masters.  He is one...he seriously guides me everywhere all throughout my life...it's crazy.

In the book he wrote, he talked about going on worry fasts.  Where for just an hour at a time, 3 hours a day, you focus on not worrying at all, just being at peace.   What a trip, right?  A dedicated HOUR 3x a day where you concentrate on not worrying.  It's genius.  It just takes PRACTICE not to worry, right?  Dedication.  The decision not too.  After all, life won't be different or the same regardless of if you worry or not.  Worrying is meaningless.  But most of us are too afraid not to worry at all!  That's the irony.  We feel as if when we're worrying we're "keeping track" of everything.  But really we're just creating a mental pollutant, a distraction.  When we don't worry at all, we are just in the present moment, AT PEACE.

Why not practice not worrying throughout the day, 1 hour 3 times a day, morning lunch and dinner?  Maybe make it a ritual that before you eat you must do the worrying fast for an hour first.   It's BRILLIANT.

I'm so glad I discovered this technique because I DO NOT want Elan to get my fears and anxieties passed down to him.  Therefore I must give up worrying.

As a mother, I really have to TRUST in the Moment.  I don't know what I'm trusting in.  Just trust itself.  Just believing that everything will be ok.  That there is PEACE HERE every single Moment. 

Warped.

One thing you have to get used to after you have a baby...is how DIFFERENT your body feels.  It feels like a totally alien body to me.  Way different then I remember before I got pregnant.  It's a pretty dramatic change.  Physically, I don't recognize myself.  Mentally, in some ways, as well.

It's WARPING, when you have a baby.  It just totally warps you.  Like the way my body FEELS...is intense...way more aches, pains and increased body awareness then there used to be.  I get totally freaked out at times by just how my body feels all jumbled up.  And you know what...yoga doesn't seem to help like it used to.  In fact it might even aggravate certain pains.

Of course that's not a reason not to do yoga.  It's just surprising how physically, I feel like there has been a huge change.  A change in how I FEEL, inside...even taking a shit feels WAY different!!!   Peeing feels different.  How I sit.  How I move.

And by default, how I think; how I feel.

I can't possibly do enough kegals to make the inside of my yoni look like it did before, to put it bluntly.  I read somewhere I should do 200 kegals a day, during the post partum period.  But I mean seriously...how does one do 200 kegals a day?  Unless I designate a special "kegal time," it's just not going to happen.  Maybe I should try to do that...I dunno.  You feel pretty banged up after an intense childbirth experience.   It takes time to get used to "the new normal."  (as I've heard multiple people refer to it)

Well, I'm doing kegals right now.  That's the good thing about them, you can do them anytime, anywhere.

Archetypal Dream

you have to be BRAVE in dancing with the archetypes.

And the SELF...is everything. Everywhere. There's no stopping it...it's ALL.

I'm getting so much ORGANIC influence for my novel in Hawaii. Basically, I'm just going to MAKE IT WORK. I don't have much time to dilly dally around with it anymore. That's just what I sense. If I want to maximize it's effectiveness, it needs to circulate. Now. It's so challenging to expose people to it though, in its infancy. Especially now that I am also caring for an infant. And quite frankly...I want to hide it away.

But it's time to just throw down and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever it ends up as, WHATEVER, as long as it ends up whole. That's truly the message I am getting now. WHOLE.

And you know where wholeness has to happen FIRST, right? Me. It has to start with me.

So I have to listen. I have to HEAR what the muses are telling me, truly hear them. This means listening to my sacral. My sacral responses moment to moment are important. I have to heed them. They will be my guide in this experience of COMPLETION. In each expressive flow, focus on the sacral will be maintained. We will try this out and see what happens.

And YOGA will be practiced. Much, much yoga. Freedom will also be practiced. Letting go...letting God.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?