Delicious, scrumptious control.

Sometimes it hits me...I fucking live in Hawaii. 

I'm not sure what to do with this information today.  

Anyway, I've been an emotional wreck the past three days, and on Sunday, I decided to run 5 miles and did it in an hour.   It was the best run I've had in YEARS.   Of course I know other people could run 5 miles faster.  But for 3 months post partum...not so bad.  

So there's that.  

Hard to say what's going on with me.   But I feel so moody lately.   It could be because I've started my moon cycle again and I'm experiencing the usual hormonal ups and downs of a regular female cycle. 

I just feel like throwing myself into things.   I feel wild.   The running is really helping me work out some emotional issues.   It's the feeling like I just want to push myself physically to have a sense of control over my reality.   Running helps me feel in control. Point blank.   Because if I can run, I am conquering myself, and if I do that, then I can conquer the world...

Anyway.  I have a lot on my mind.  Not sure where it's all coming from.   But it makes me feel like working my body to the extreme to take care of it. Oh, endorphins.   Where would I be without you? 

Corporeal Fires...

It hit me the other day.  Maybe when hearing about a close friend's grandfather passing away.  But I am seriously going to die one day.  So why the hell wait to do ANYTHING in life!  Oh my gawd.   I've been wasting so much time.   I have a limited amount of hours left in life.  That's a FACT.   I feel like I need to just maximize my use of them.  Holy shit.  

The phrase, "I'll rest when I'm dead," has taken on new meaning.   Like LIFE is meant to be taken to the limit and that all these little "life breaks" that I seek (like when I watch or read something that doesn't serve my highest) are just because I'm scared of my potential and responsibility to become great. 

But all I have to do to become great and serve the highest of myself, is to use the time I have on Earth wisely and push myself to maintain a powerful standard of life.   To make the most of every moment...seeing as how the time is limited.  I wonder how many minutes of life I have left...

I feel like I'm having something of a midlife crises lately, like I've just realized, "FUCK!  This is IT!  Why didn't anyone tell me??" 

(of course they had, but I was deaf and dumb...and in my 20's.) 

Now I've been gobsmacked by reality.   You know what?  I'm not saying "no" to what comes my way anymore.   I have a history of being so damn picky with what I "want to do" and what I want to spend time on, partially because there are so many options.   But I am dropping that behavior right now.   Things that come my way, opportunities to expand and grow and develop into SOMEONE, will be pursued with open arms.   Every moment must be nurtured to maximum potential.  Making the best use of the time I have left.   Going to work on my yes, instead of my no.  

SHAKTI.

I am going to RISE UP.  I'm going to RISE ABOVE. 

I WILL NOT allow anyone in my life to drag me down. 

People can be negative, judgmental and just plain catty and mean.  Projecting all their shit onto you.  Demanding or crying for support, but incapable of giving it.  Even lashing out at you for daring to take a different path then theirs.   That DOES NOT mean I have to get sucked down into playing that game myself.  I MAY AS WELL just continue my onwards and upwards trajectory.  Keep my control.  Keep my focus.  Surrender into balance and PEACE. 

Keep it together.  That's what I do.  And let go.  I'm really good at this, too.  Letting go letting go letting go. 

Becoming UNTOUCHABLE. 

At some point in life, you just gotta stop kissing people's asses.  Stand up for yourself, by doing what's right for YOU and your path, regardless of the criticism, the condemnation and the judgement.  It's INEVITABLE, that if you are doing something new, something daring, something unique, people will hate you for it.   Either overtly or subconsciously.  It takes a self-confident person to support you when you're doing something in your life that they don't agree with.   It takes a self-confident person to continue onwards despite people doing all they can energetically to halt you in your tracks.  Well, I don't care.  I have blinders on, and I'll do what I do. 

I'm growing into my full Goddess self.   That's the destination.  I have a daughter now.  It's up to me to show her what is possible, as an empowered and evolved woman of this world.   And you know what?  An absolute REFUSAL TO SUBMIT to social pressure, whether of culture or from friends and family, is part of that.  And if you talk the talk, you better walk the walk.  That's called being consistent. 

I'm really good at just forging on ahead.  I'm glad I was born with this soul-deep determination.  I hope I pass it on to all my children. 

Growth is Intense

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga.  It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's.  What a TIME of LIFE that was!!  I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away.  I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too.  3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice!  That was the STUFF. 

What changed?  I changed.  I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own.  I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me.  I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow.  At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers.  I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus.  My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer.  I felt so close to him.  I love him.  I didn't process his death either.  Not until years later.  I don't immediately process death.  It has more of a "slow-release" with me.  Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years. 

My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back.  I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage.  I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego.   I was friends with homeless people and junkies.  I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time.  I wanted to party party party.  I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind.  And I did.  I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed.  Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic.  It was a very EXTREME time of life.  I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties.  I had loads and loads of fun.  Maybe too much.  It was just so exciting...and also a bit soul-draining...to feel so free...

Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there.  I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers.  It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children.  I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms.  Many of them were my age.  At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother.  In fact I thought that path was "closed to me."   But it actually did plant the seed. 

When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.  

Holy moly.

Damn, I'm emotional tonight.  Seriously crying about everything.  Finding it hard to get on top of the wave this time.  Letting it just crash over me.  Colliding with the wall of water that is my Soul. 

Island feverish

Sometimes I feel as though I am going a bit crazy out here in Hawaii.  I mean I am on an island in the middle of the Pacific, and the biggest "town" on this island is just 40,000 people.  And I've been here for years at this point.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a Nature Girl but I absolutely crave city life at times also.  And a town of 40k, most of those people not even living here long term...there's just nothing going on.  I'm just feeling so isolated all the time.  I've made some very great friends out here on the island, most of which have moved away.  It's just hard to live here long-term.  It just is.   People on the mainland who have never experienced island life act like I am crazy for wanting to leave here too.  But COME ON...the biggest thing I have to look forward to out here is going to the beach.  I've been to the beach...many many times.   I'm just like...ready for more.  I like having "events" to look forward to.  It helps keep me motivated in life.  It's easy to not feel motivated to "do" much out here.  I guess that's the laid-back-ness of the Hawaiian lifestyle for you.  But it's kind of driving me batty...

I was even fantasizing about New York City the other day, how it seems so stimulating and alive, so busy and energetic.  That sounds awesome to me right now.   I'm a bit of an 'experience junkie,' in that I need constant new experiences to feel satisfied.  Even as a mom I'm the same way.  I want constant new experiences for my kids too.  I want to take them to renaissance festivals and music festivals and museums and stuff like that.   I want to do a road trip with them, and I don't want it to go in a circle.  you know...just stuff I can't do here.  I want them to have consistent, long-term friends and more social stability then we currently have on the island...

I don't know.  Some nights I really friggen struggle with bad lonely and isolated feelings.  Especially since I've become a mom for the second time, these feelings of loneliness feel so extreme....

It makes me wonder if I should join FB again...to give myself the illusion of sociability that everyone else in the world subscribes to.  It's fake though.  I figured that one out.  There is nothing social about being on your computer staring into a screen.  Sorry.  I don't buy it.  Just because people can read your words and reply to them via the internet, does not make it a social experience by any stretch of the imagination.  Because you are still alone, staring into your computer screen. 

I want...I want...I want...

Writing this from the treadmill, but kind of having an off day.  I feel like yelling, "why doesn't anyone care about me???!!!"  I just feel a bit unsupported and on my own in life but whatever....that's why I sweat it out every night.  If I don't feel like running (or can't, in case of an injury, like I've been dealing with recently) I just do some yoga or weight training. 

To be honest, the only time I start to feel a shadow of some post partum depression is if I don't exercise.  I ABSOLUTELY need to work out every night, or I just don't feel that great and kind of defeated.  But if I work out, and really get sweating, I end my day feeling like I accomplished something after all.  Exercise helps me stay empowered and focused, which is pretty crucial to my process...basically it helps keep my brain working too.

Tonight I edited and "tightened up" about 9000 words of my novel...basically fine-tuning.  I'm editing chapter by chapter to make sure everything is super smooth...I haven't done this yet for MOST of the "stuff..." buuutt...it's been something I've been needing to do for a long time so that I have a better awareness of "where I'm at..."  The entire thing (book one) is about 130,000 words.  And NOT DONE YET.  Drives me mad.  So I'm working towards DONE right now.  A painstaking and meticulous editing eye is part of this process. 

So I don't know if this is due to being post partum, or just driven to make the most out of my night and "solo time," but I have been staying up later and later.  It's sort of crazy right now...I'm lucky if I go to sleep before 2:30am in the morning...Caspian gets up at 6am, sooo...I am pretty much a perma-zombie.  I can't seem to get to bed before 1am now.  Once in bed I just lay there and think and mull over things.  So since that seems like a waste of time I just stay out of bed doing things until like 2am while Seraphina sleeps downstairs hanging out with me.  Then I take her and myself up to bed and....yeah I still just lay there sleepless...

I wish I didn't need to sleep.  I really do.  I have a lot of stuff I'd like to do.  I'm getting more and more tired though.  And it's not because of my baby this time!  Seraphina sleeps pretty great in the evening.   She will go up to 5 hours without a wake up the first part of the night.  But it's just my unwillingness to sleep that's the problem...I just need to make the most of this child-free time right now.  I have a lot I need to accomplish in life and can just sleep when I'm dead. 

I want a fit body and I want a clean house and I want a finished novel. 

Sometimes I just...

It's late and my entire family is asleep.  I should be sleeping too but I'm brooding on my melancholy.   Everything is awesome.  I've been burning about 600 calories a day ever since my midwife told me I could start running again.  I love running.  Running is like flying to me.  It's a powerful act of willpower and strength.  Oh how I've missed it.  And I've been steadily working on my novel.  During naptimes of my children, the document is there and I surrender to it.  Seraphina is a whopping 12 pounds at 6 weeks old and Caspian is exuberant and in love with existence.   So all is well.

But I'm tired, because I don't like to sleep.  I wish I didn't have to sleep.  There is so much I'd rather be doing.

And also I've been feeling lonely.  Sometimes I just want to talk to someone.

Remembering Fall.

 Internally, my cells KNOW the air is supposed to be getting colder and crisper, and that the scenery should be changing all around me, exploding with an array of reds, oranges and yellows.  This seasonal change celebrates the harvest and the thinning of the boundaries between worlds.  It's my favorite season...or it used to be. 

Fall is the time when my internal clock gets the most confused.  We don't get that "fall feeling" here.  There are no changing seasons here.  Instead in Hawaii, it's warm and sunny outside like always, with palm trees and banana leaves.  In fact, if not for calenders and clocks, you would never notice the passage of time here.  The weather always seems the same, static, unchanging.  This used to be desirable, now it feels strange.  When my body is expecting a darkening and a changing of energy, the colors of a world going to sleep, there isn't any of that...it's just bright and hot and the same like it always is.  It throws me off, every single year.  I miss autumn the MOST out of any season on the island.  I can't believe the whole rest of the country is experiencing this shift and I'm not.  It's really difficult not to have the cycles of the seasons in my life.  It makes me feel like I'm being left behind. 

This year, I am pining for fall like never before.  I feel like my head and my body instinctively seeks and desires that seasonal shift, but it's just not happening.  It makes me feel quite disoriented. I still haven't acclimated to life on a tropical island. 

I miss this:

Raising a family far away from family...

It's not easy, by any means.  It's exceptionally lonely-feeling, pretty much constantly, at least for me.  Sure I have friends...even friends that can fulfill certain familial roles.  But it's just not the same.  It feels very unnatural to raise a family far far away from people who are and feel like family.  Even having lived in Hawaii on the Big Island almost 4 years, it's hard on me.  This is a very transient place, so I've had dozens of close friends (even ones who I thought would settle down here) move away, scatter, across the globe.  Very few people stay here longer then a year.  Confession: I don't entirely feel at home here either.

I'm having a very lonely night here in paradise.   

28 weeks pregnant: powering UP

Time is starting to fly by, and I am feeling increasingly confident.  Confident in my upcoming labor and birth experience, and confident in my ability to mother two children.

I am starting to feel like a real badass.  I have embraced my pregnant body and I feel great about my appearance.   I feel beautiful and strong.  This time around, I am really enjoying this belly of mine.  It's so round!

Sure it gives me back pain.  Sure I get achy and sore.  But overall...I am liking this belly of mine a lot lately.  It's huge!

I honestly think the 3rd trimester is my favorite part of pregnancy.  The bump is obvious, pregnancy is in full swing, yet the end of the whole experience is in sight.  That makes it more fun.  This encourages me to enjoy every moment more.  I never got swollen feet with my son so I don't know if I will this time.  But overall it's a precious time.  The baby is so big now I can feel every movement.  Some of them are very uncomfortable, but overall...it lets me know that my baby is healthy and active so I like it.  I'm still having days where I feel sick too, but it's sort of become the norm...so I just continue on.

I'm just starting to feel so empowered...I have so much energy flowing through me some days...like I can move any mountain.

I never felt like this towards the end of Caspian's pregnancy.  I wasn't as empowered or focused.  I just got through it.  This time though...I feel like I am making the best of it.  I feel so amazing.  My whole psychic body feels like I have a host of exotic warrior women inside of me or something.

It continues.

I'm 11 weeks and still feeling nauseous, especially after eating!  

I'm feeling pretty good right now because Eros arranged for me to have 25 hours to myself at a spa.  :)  So lovely.  

Tailspin.

I'm over 10 weeks pregnant and feeling so depressed.  I wanted this baby so so bad but feeling drained and ill from hormones in conjunction with caring for my 2 year old and seeing Eros through university is almost too much.  I don't feel supported or loved by existence at all.   I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm anti-social but also super needy.  I don't want to live in Hawaii anymore but don't know where to go because I feel like nobody loves me and that there is no place for me in the world.  

I need to reframe and rally and redirect myself somehow but nobody can give me any advice on this because most people just don't care and even if they did care they do not understand my situation.  What a cold cruel world we live in and at this point I'm wondering if I even want to be a part of it anymore.

When the Womb becomes a Tomb.

It's now been exactly one month since my last miscarriage.  

I'm not sure how to feel a lot of times.  Most times, I stay busy and focus on other things.  I excel at keeping myself busy lately, as I am a mother to a toddler, writing a book and spend a lot of time educating myself about health and fitness.  Yet there are times when the grief creeps up on me.  Like an emotional wave that crests and falls.  

This is my second miscarriage this year.  Only 2% of women go on to miscarry twice in a row.  I often ask myself...how did I get so "lucky?"  

...and should I talk about it?  

On January 2nd, 2013, Eros and I discovered we were expecting our second child.  We were ecstatic, as we had wanted very much to add another child to our family, having had such a blissful and lovely experience with our son.  

I miscarried that pregnancy when I was almost in the second trimester.   After we'd already told a lot of our family and friends.  It was disgusting, the way it felt at the doctor's office, when I learned my baby had no heartbeat...and I had to walk through the lobby to another room, fighting tears with my bad news, wading through all the pregnant women who had been luckier then I was to keep their pregnancies.  

It was even more grotesque when I decided I had to wait for my body to miscarry naturally on its own.   For more then a week I existed in a surreal state of being.  I had a dead baby inside of me and yet I had to keep living.  It was so fucking weird and unnatural.   

When the miscarriage finally happened, it was like a labor.  I had contractions, gushing blood and finally, a little baby came out.  I could hold it in my hand.  

What was worse was telling everyone what happened and hearing all the terrible responses.  I heard horrible, horrible things in response to my pregnany loss...meaningless platitudes meant to console me, or guilt me out of my grief, or try to push me to a place of acceptance before I was ready.  I heard people say so many heartless, cruel things, in the guise of trying to "help" me.  It was then I realized nobody fucking understood what I was going through.  Nobody.  What hurt the most was people acting like my grief didn't count because I already had a beautiful, living child.  How fucking heartless and cruel can you get.  I love the child I have and was grieving the child I lost.   It still hurt just as bad.  I HAD JUST LOST A CHILD.   It still fucking pisses me off when I think about it.  

I've experienced a lot of death in my life, but nothing devestated me like that loss.  For weeks after it was like I lived a half-life.   I did get a lot of solace from my son.  He kept me busy.   But I was still grieving.  My pain was simply getting quieter, and buried deeper.  I didn't want to think of it anymore.  So I didn't.  Even though I felt so depressed.  

  I stayed busy, and got more work done on my novel then ever before.   I started thinking that if I couldn't have a baby belly, I wanted to have a six pack and be ridiculously fit.  I distracted myself over and over again.  And the grief slowly started to fade.  It only presented itself again when I encountered a pregnant woman.  I would eye her baby belly enviously, wondering why.  Why did this happen to me.  I reviewed every decision I'd ever made over the past decade.  I felt lost, but also determined.  I would try again.  

I had one chemical pregnancy, and then got pregnant again about 7 months later.  That pregnancy didn't last long either.  

Which is where I find myself now.  One month later.  

I am doing okay.  I really am.  I am simply riding the wave.    I am allowing myself to shoot off into the stratosphere.  I'm ferociously determined about everything and anything now.  I have so much power behind my life due to these miscarriages it's insane.  So maybe that's the mixed blessing of it all.  The grief has transmuted into a sense of willpower so profound that I know now that NOTHING and NOBODY will stop me from doing ANYTHING.   I have no fear anymore about anything.  I have been broken down into little pieces of shattered soul.    It's a private thing, for the most part.   So few people understand the depth of the losses that I think it's pointless to talk further about it.  It is what it is.   Yet I still feel the loss, vividly.  I STILL DO, and even if I seem to be doing amazing, my victorious incredible life is fueled by what happened when death visited my womb.  And I don't really want to talk about it, day to day.  I still feel pangs.  I still feel upset about it.  I still feel bitter, and angry.  But sometimes, I write about it.  Sometimes I just have to express the grief empowering me, even just a little bit.  

Don't worry about me.  I'm a fighter.  I'm going to keep going, keep pushing, keep thriving.  Keep searching for answers.  And I believe I've found some.  I believe I know why these miscarriages happened to me and I think I am correcting the problem.  I might write more on that at a later time.  

But it's still sad.  

The only thing I can do is use these experiences in a productive way and be stronger and engage life more intensely then I have before.   

It hurts.

Sometimes I think God makes me feel so much deep pain just because I have the ability to allow it to push myself further then I ever have gone before.

Becoming a Warrior despite the sadness and loneliness inside.

It's hard to know what to say, as I already regret putting my "personal life" in this blog.  But it is what it is, and I swore when this blog began that I wouldn't delete anything.

I am feeling very different then a lot of people and like most folks don't understand me at all.  The experiences the past year have changed me irreversibly.  I am thankful for these changes, as I feel like I have become a better person inside.  At the same time, I HAVE changed, and it's truly like nobody gets me now.  I continue my life with solid determination, unwavering focus and drive, and a sadness inside.  The sadness never really goes away.  I guess it is just part of me now.  The important thing is that I stay determined and NEVER GIVE UP.  That is the most important thing I can do for myself in life.

I am a mother, but I am also a writer.  I am also someone deeply interested in health and how it relates to food consumption.  I am also into fitness and exercise, and wanting a powerful yet beautiful body.  Balancing it all is challenging for me.  Motherhood is the main game right now, but writing my novels is a close second.  And to make this engine work properly, it has to be given the appropriate fuel.  Sadly the fuel I was giving myself for years thinking I was doing the best thing for myself (a whole foods mostly raw vegan diet) ended up really screwing up my entire body.

Miscarriage after miscarriage, hair falling out, horrible skin problems, tooth problems.  My health was failing and fast.  Thank god for my body protecting me by miscarrying my last baby, otherwise I never would have broken through to the realization that my diet wasn't working for me anymore.   It's sad to say but I am thankful that I lost that baby, because if I hadn't I would not have had the motivation to change my ways and my health would have just continued to decline.

I'm on a good healthy path now though, and am getting stronger each and every day.  I am eating a high-plant paleo diet...I eat animals now and feel 100% okay with this.  My health and the health of my family is the most important thing to me.  If something isn't working, I gotta change my path and I have.  So now it's just time to stay determined and focused on the goals I have in life and watch  my health grow.  So far I've been very pleased.  My energy has exploded with the dietary change and I've been working out nonstop, biking 10 miles a day among countless other exercises.   I'm really hoping to see some very big changes in the next few months but I know I gotta give myself time to adjust to this big shit in a new direction.

I still find myself harboring an inner sadness at times.  I don't know if it's because of the miscarriages I've suffered this year, the fact that my partner and friends are never emotionally available for me, the fact that I live on an island away from everyone.  The fact that I just seem to be "forgotten about" in this world...I'm "just a mom..." I'm "just a mom" who is striving with all my might to write this story that constantly wells within me.  I've done so much work on it the past few years and I feel like the end is near...I think I could finish it soon.  I gotta put in the time though and the only time I have available is at night, when I'm at my most tired.  So I quaff the caffeinated tea and hope for the best, just knowing that I have to keep hammering away, have to keep going, keep going, keep going, and NEVER give up, NEVER, until it is DONE.

I don't feel connected with people anymore.  I just end up feeling used.  People love to use my energy in various ways.  I have always just accepted this throughout the years, as I do enjoy feeling "useful..." but after awhile, at the end of a long day, a long YEAR, a long SEVERAL YEARS...you just sort of want to be appreciated and valued for who you ARE, now what you can energetically provide people.  :(   It's tough because I find myself being a "support center" for other people so often that I feel like that's all I'm good for...very few people are supportive for me when I need them.  And I'm not the type to ask, anymore.  I'm just not.  I've learned that in this world, I must stand alone.

It is not an easy thing.  But I am determined and resolute in my ambitions to be the best person I can and I have gotten VERY good at self-care over the past year.  I have learned how to nurture myself and nourish myself and pamper myself in as many ways as I can because the world sure as hell won't be doing that for me.  I have to carve out space for myself and I have to be strong-minded about doing so.  I have to be strong-minded about giving myself everything that I need in life, otherwise I will just wither away into nothing.  And I'm not like that, anymore.  I'm not going to just fade away, or yield to what other people want for me.  I am going to RISE UP and consciously create the existence that I WANT for MYSELF and my children..  I am going to keep building myself up, stronger and stronger and higher and higher, until I am shining so bright that I blind anyone who looks my direction.  

I am, at my heart, a WARRIOR.  I have a warrior's spirit.  HATERS BE DAMNED.

So I don't expect people to understand me.  I know I'm unusual.  And I do feel that inner sadness.  But you know what?  That bit of sadness inside me is fueling my fire and helping to sustain a growing intensity and drive.  NOPE I don't need support.  I have to stand on my own.  I also am not open to allowing anyone to drain me for energy anymore without an equal exchange.  I don't have the energy to spare for those types of one-sided pity games; I don't want one-sided friendships and I want to attract only resilient strong people in my life from this point onwards.

So that's what I have BECOME.  I am strong, determined and focused.  I will achieve my vision.  I will experience superior health and happiness.  I will live my dreams.

Pregnant Again.

I am indeed pregnant.  This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was normal and resulted in my beautiful son. 2nd one was a missed miscarriage, in February of this year.

 Now that I'm pregnant again I'm feeling so many things. All I can do is cry and worry.  :(

 My major symptoms at around 5 weeks are exhaustion, nipple pain, and mood swings.  NO nausea yet but I usually don't get it until 6/7 weeks.  I am suffering so bad with depression and anxiety right now.  Thanks to the trauma of my miscarriage I feel like I am just constantly waiting for it to happen again, even though I do have a better intuitive feeling about this pregnancy.  I just feel so worried and sad and feel unable to shake these feelings, I am constantly either crying or upset about something.

 My beautiful son Caspian keeps me grounded and is obsessed with babies (he so wants to be a big brother) and I just hope all is well.  He constantly begs me to show him pictures of babies on my phone or the computer.  He looks at pictures of babies smiling and he starts giggling and says "babies, babies!" If I show him a picture of a baby crying, he looks at me with big eyes and starts crying.   He will go up to me and pat my belly and say, "babies babies!"    I think he really really wants to be a big brother.  I just feel so depressed and sad and anxious about it all.  I wish I could know now if everything is okay.  I just feel so...eh I don't even know.   I wish I could just sit here and cry all day.  But I can't.   Eros will be gone all day long and I'll have to...pull it together or something.  There is so much to do and so little energy to do it with.

I'm just feeling so alone out here on this rock in the ocean.   I miss my mom and my family too.     I just feel so scared all the time, wish I could just relax but I don't have a scan for a month and my doctor won't do bloods because "he doesn't think it is necessary."    I worry about symptoms I'm not having and symptoms I am having.  Despite my exhaustion I have been forcing myself to go on bike rides and work out when I can because it's the only time I am able to stop my overactive monkey brain from driving me crazy.  

Is that you, #2?

I am so emotional right now.  I don't even know how to feel.   I had "a feeling" that I might be pregnant, so two days before period was due, I took a pregnancy test.  Big fat negative.

But I couldn't shake that I was pregnant because I started "acting pregnant," as in having a lot of behavioral randomness with food and soul-desires that I remember from the other two times I've been pregnant.  And I've felt a little "off."    A bit nauseated and just not very hungry...usually around my period I'm ravenous.

So today, my period was due.   I was waiting for it expectantly.  But the behavioral randomness was continuing.  For example, I am usually content with Cinderland.  But every time I get pregnant, I suddenly want to leave and get my own little spot away from everyone.  So I kept finding myself thinking that I want to move from Cinderland, all day, and even preparing to do so.  

That's when the hunch hit me, maybe I should take another pregnancy test, I'm acting a little pregnant.  So I did, and I saw a faint positive line.

Now I don't know what to do.  All I can do is wait.  I am not getting excited.  But I want to be excited.  :(  But I can't be excited.  I don't want my hopes up.   I am not naive anymore.   But I have heard a positive is a positive, no matter how faint.  People are telling me that I might have just implanted and to take another test in a day or two to see if it gets darker.   What's crazy is that a few days ago I had a thought around implantation when I felt a little stabby pain down where my uterus is.  Just a few quick stabs.  And I had some "blood flecks" when I wiped.

I've been FEELING very "close to pregnancy" the past few weeks...like a subconscious awareness that I'm getting close to being pregnant again.  I thought it was just my biological and emotional want.   Though tonight that faint positive line...it's maddening.  I don't know how to feel.   Maybe my period is late.  Maybe I 'WILLED' the faint positive line into existence.  It's there though.  Eros confirmed it.

Now I just have to wait.   If it's legit, the line will get darker over the next 2-3 days.  So I'm forcing myself to wait and test again in a day or two.  I'm pretty much just trying to ignore the fact I ever saw that faint positive line.   Because I am already terrified about miscarriage again, if it IS legit.   Faint lines worry me.

Oh well.  Gotta stay positive.  I was hesitant to tell anyone anything.  But at least here on my blog, I can just let it out.

An ugly wound.

WOW, it is so hurtful when you open up your heart to someone and they just ignore you.   It really fucking sucks when you take a chance and become vulnerable to someone whom you thought you trusted with your heart and turns out it doesn't even fucking matter to them.  The extra shittastic thing is that you know that they are completely under no obligation to respond, that was the stipulation in opening up, becoming vulnerable, you KNEW that there was a chance they could respond in a negative way, or completely not respond at all.  Yet when the person you open up to just completely cuts off all contact afterward and does indeed completely fucking ignore you, despite all the energy you throw at them,..it's a special ugly type of sting that is at risk of infection.  This wound feels putrid.  Obligation sucks, that's the worst part.  I don't want anyone to feel obligated to responding to me, I want them to WANT to respond to me.  And if they don't, if they just flat-out ignore me in such a cool, cruel way despite revealing my heart...then something just isn't working.  /Something isn't right.  And if something isn't working, then something else needs to change.  I hate one-sided relationships.  Either it's a team effort, or it's not.   And if it's not, then fuck it.

RUTHLESS.

I may actually be insane but I am done apologizing for my emotions or how I am.  I take responsibility for my actions but I really don't give a shit about being all shameful for emotions that I have, or how I am moment to moment.  I also have no more guilt for anything I have EVER done.   Why the fuck should I feel GUILT about ANYTHING.  No the fuck way.  I'm over it.  Guilt, shame, fear and pain only hold me back.  I'm a HUMAN BEING I seek happiness and feeling good in my body and living up to my highest potential as a spiritualized and activated conscious entity.  When it comes to BOUNDARIES...I only observe them ~ THEY DO NOT RULE ME.   I am BOUNDLESS and FREE.   Case closed.

Some people can't handle this.  I get it.  But I gotta say, I don't really care.  I don't care what other people think.  I don't care.  I don't care. I don't care.  If I cared, maybe things would be different.  But I don't care what people think of me.  I won't give anyone else that power over me.  Not anymore.  People can think what they want but it doesn't effect me because I am INDOMITABLE and will NEVER be repressed by the fear-based opinions, shameful thoughts, and guilt trips of others.  I am BEYOND giving a fuck, right here, right now.  I just want to LIVE and there is NO WAY anything can contain me.

I will simply BE.  I will live my life with RUTHLESS FEARLESSNESS and PITY THE FOOL who stands in my way.  The end.