I'll start again (for the 2nd time). Where do I actually begin? I'll start by saying I was born in ignorance, as we all are. Born into a society filled with shadows and empty hearts.
There's a voice trying to get through. I've been voiceless for awhile. I thought I might never speak again. But I knew it was only a matter of time. I am of two minds, in the best of times...in the best of times, and matter doesn't mind. I had no idea when I would allow the voice to speak again. I feared I would be considered crazy. I feared becoming vulnerable. I feared allowing my SUN PLUTO SQUARE to see the light of day. It's the hardest damn thing ever, to reveal who I am on the inside. And yet it seeks...it seeks to come out. It seeks to speak. It seeks to have a voice. This THING on the inside...needs to be expressed.
The problem is...who I am is so many. It always has been.
Who I am...is many. I am more then one, and this I've always known. As a child I heard voices and had a crowd of imaginary friends who were real. I sensed beings and spirits and energies. This led to an interest in the occult, from early on. I grew up in a strict Christian household, so how I was and my interests, were unacceptable. I started to internalize all of my imaginary friends. I started to hide who I was. But I still heard the voices of other people inside of me and I was convinced it was true.
Where are the other adults who never grew out of this??? I think they become writers...
I'm not crazy. I don't care what you say. I am boldly crossing the boundary to express the multi-faceted TRUTH of my Nature ~ which is I am more then one, any and all. We are all connected. We are all each other. The Other is You...do you get it? Some people are just more aware of this then others, that's all. I am one of those people!! Like it or not.
I am going to LIVE THIS WAY...in full-on telepathic communication with beings from other dimensions...who also happen to be part of me!! There is nothing wrong with feeling open to the fullest extent to sensory exploration. Feel your antenna? You can't see it but all humans have them. The antenna on your head. That is always sensing reality.
Showing posts with label Consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Consciousness. Show all posts
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Update on the Life:
Super ramble:
I got pregnant during my RYT with Buti Yoga....it was crazy, and I totally freaked out the last weekend. I did awesome on my demos, but failed the musculature system portion of the test. At the time, I was also living at a CAMPSITE in Massachusetts with my 3 year old, 1 year old, a few months after moving from Hawaii to Maine, and then Maine to Masschusetts!! Damn, I guess something had to give. I didn't do any more Buti after that, what with the morning sickness and basically preoccupied with traveling and moving. I was even in Texas for a month and a half! I think we're in our more permanent home now, though, in western Washington. Anyway, I miss Buti Yoga - at first I was missing the movements, and the surrender, but now I am missing the fucking badass female empowerment that I felt. I feel like pregnancy has a tendency to take me down a few pegs and challenge my self-image to the extreme - I become vulnerable. But in that vulnerability, I see strength too...the strength to get through. The strength to let go. In my reflections, I find myself thinking A LOT about the Ring of Fire that you go through with birth...you literally have to go through it, as though into it, whole-heartedly, so that your baby can come out. That moment is so extreme. All of life strains to deliver life. I haven't forgotten how extreme it felt...that Ring of Fire, that opening, that yearning to push a human life into the world. The wild frantic pain of it...crazy crazy crazy pain. Everything stops as the Ring approaches. You can't avoid it anymore. You have to go through the pain, into the fire...into the churning heat of a primordial soup. The lava of human existence, gushing through your veins, drowning you in agony, in search of release, the burning, burning, burning. You're dissolved in the desperate fire of a raging portal to the Life Beyond, and you know you probably won't ever come back the same. .
I remember giving birth, and I think about it...and it helps prepare me. I am entering the stage of pregnancy where you start to feel a bit more isolated. I'm turning to a spiritual practice of ritual to help me through. There is strength in being vulnerable, in releasing yourself, to keep focusing on that release...in daily behavior and practice. I can keep evolving and keep changing to honor the needs of my soul. It's been a wild year. In fact the past 2 years, starting with Seraphina's birth, have been a series of RAPID changes in our lives. But I think we have flowed with it all pretty well, all things considered. And we've learned A LOT along the way...
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Buti Yoga Tonight.
I just went to a rocking Buti class in Hilo tonight, at 5:30pm. I absolutely loved it. I'm so so fortunate that my partner is supportive of me leaving the
house this time of day...as people with kids know, it's sort of a
delicate time. The studio is just opening and offering all types of interesting classes for everyone, from martial arts to bellydancing. And BUTI yoga! It's located right next to the kombucha bar and the Bears Coffee place. I was surprised that I really enjoyed the night life. I nursed up Seraphina and left the family behind eating dinner.
I was gone only 75 minutes, but during that time, I enjoyed my "freedom" immensely. When I got to the studio, dusk was just falling and there was a crowd of hippie type folks outside, as well as backpackers. Oh yeah...it felt good to be in that crowd, with a purpose. I actually DID feel proud of myself for going to a class and doing something for ME. I recognized a few people and socialized with some old friends I haven't talked to in awhile. It was extremely stimulating and extremely pleasurable to BE THERE...hanging out on the sidewalk with all types of people waiting to do a Buti yoga class.
We chatted and the energy that circulated amongst the crowd of people was eclectic and high vibration. I was buzzing just hanging out. I knew from then that it would be a good class.
What can I say. I love this Buti stuff. It feels like TOTAL DEFIANCE to self-consciousness. Which is fantastic. It feels like I'm liberating myself. My post partum body is really taking a shine to the experience. And I feel so great emotionally later, like purified and satisfied. I also really enjoy thinking about the metaphysical ramifications from regular Buti practice. I think the practice of moving and shaking my hips, abs and arms in circular/spiral patterns is definitely doing something to my awareness of Kundalini.
I can feel that Buti is going to take me to the next level. I can just FEEL it. There is a lot of love and support in Buti also...they have a very interactive forum to share and to connect. And yet I feel like Buti Yoga is still in its infancy as a movement or something. It's FRESH. It feels like I'm breaking FREE from something, every time I do the session. What's interesting is that I really look forward to it. It's so fun and it feels so intense. And I'm seeing my strength grow with every session. I've been practicing it mostly on my own for about 3 weeks, in my upstairs room. I do the Transformation DVD, and recently I got a subscription to the Buti Tone workouts on the website. I've only been to a few live classes. But this is the first class that tonight I feel like I really was able to let go and ACTIVATE in a public class to this degree, partially because my body is finally catching up to the movements I've been making it do. And partially because I really EXPERIENCED the energy of the class, and it was an energy I enjoyed and was able to participate in fully.
So here's what I've heard about the 2nd chakra...it's linked to the 6th chakra. There is something about shaking and circling my hips and becoming dynamic in poses that are usually held still, that just seems to make me so pumped and excited to be alive.
I have 3 more Buti classes this week...Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. I'm there.
When I was 3 months in with Caspian's babyhood, I would have never dreamed of leaving him for 75 minutes at a stretch to go do something like this. But through the past 2+ years of motherhood, I've come to realize the vital importance of giving to myself, so that I can give to my family. Doing something "just for me" like Buti is how I'm making being a mother of 2 work for me. And daddy is pretty good at soothing the baby and she always has a full belly when I go. So I've let myself off the hook, for 75 minutes a day, to do stuff like this. So that when I return to my family, my cup is full.
I was gone only 75 minutes, but during that time, I enjoyed my "freedom" immensely. When I got to the studio, dusk was just falling and there was a crowd of hippie type folks outside, as well as backpackers. Oh yeah...it felt good to be in that crowd, with a purpose. I actually DID feel proud of myself for going to a class and doing something for ME. I recognized a few people and socialized with some old friends I haven't talked to in awhile. It was extremely stimulating and extremely pleasurable to BE THERE...hanging out on the sidewalk with all types of people waiting to do a Buti yoga class.
We chatted and the energy that circulated amongst the crowd of people was eclectic and high vibration. I was buzzing just hanging out. I knew from then that it would be a good class.
What can I say. I love this Buti stuff. It feels like TOTAL DEFIANCE to self-consciousness. Which is fantastic. It feels like I'm liberating myself. My post partum body is really taking a shine to the experience. And I feel so great emotionally later, like purified and satisfied. I also really enjoy thinking about the metaphysical ramifications from regular Buti practice. I think the practice of moving and shaking my hips, abs and arms in circular/spiral patterns is definitely doing something to my awareness of Kundalini.
I can feel that Buti is going to take me to the next level. I can just FEEL it. There is a lot of love and support in Buti also...they have a very interactive forum to share and to connect. And yet I feel like Buti Yoga is still in its infancy as a movement or something. It's FRESH. It feels like I'm breaking FREE from something, every time I do the session. What's interesting is that I really look forward to it. It's so fun and it feels so intense. And I'm seeing my strength grow with every session. I've been practicing it mostly on my own for about 3 weeks, in my upstairs room. I do the Transformation DVD, and recently I got a subscription to the Buti Tone workouts on the website. I've only been to a few live classes. But this is the first class that tonight I feel like I really was able to let go and ACTIVATE in a public class to this degree, partially because my body is finally catching up to the movements I've been making it do. And partially because I really EXPERIENCED the energy of the class, and it was an energy I enjoyed and was able to participate in fully.
So here's what I've heard about the 2nd chakra...it's linked to the 6th chakra. There is something about shaking and circling my hips and becoming dynamic in poses that are usually held still, that just seems to make me so pumped and excited to be alive.
I have 3 more Buti classes this week...Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. I'm there.
When I was 3 months in with Caspian's babyhood, I would have never dreamed of leaving him for 75 minutes at a stretch to go do something like this. But through the past 2+ years of motherhood, I've come to realize the vital importance of giving to myself, so that I can give to my family. Doing something "just for me" like Buti is how I'm making being a mother of 2 work for me. And daddy is pretty good at soothing the baby and she always has a full belly when I go. So I've let myself off the hook, for 75 minutes a day, to do stuff like this. So that when I return to my family, my cup is full.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
CORE CENTRIC
Yoga yoga yoga yoga.
I've been happy because yoga has taken a central place in my life again. I did my first WHEEL in ages yesterday, and although my flexibility is still not there and I was afraid to push it, at least it was DONE, and now will only get better from HERE. Back in the day I could throw up wheels anytime, anywhere...I KNOW I can get back to that.
It's just an entertaining hobby to have when you're a mom...yoga is. Because it's so liberating and freeing. It makes you feel different things from the way you move your body. I had a solid vinyasa flow yesterday and it was beautiful to feel how expansive my body could become. I felt like I was soaring on the sky.
Buti yoga is different then traditional yoga for sure. It's a lot more punchy and dynamic. You just feel yourself swirling around with the movements and doing things with your body that you didn't think you could do. I literally thought some of the things that I'm doing in Buti were beyond me, but I'm doing them, and that's exciting. It requires a willingness to keep going, as these are intense physical energetic exercises. Of course, you can just go down into child's pose if you feel like you can't go on, but then get right back up.
You do a lot of swirling of the abdominals and hips in this type of yoga...they call it "tribal" but really, I think they just call it that to mellow down what it actually does. It awakens your kundalini, plain and simple, and liberates your lower chakras. And I can't think of anyone in our sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually repressed world who doesn't need that. I think I know MOST Generator-types need to free themselves from the GROUND up. You get those hips and sacral released and start freeing yourself and you feel so much better. I have been feeling lately that every time I do Buti I end up in a psi-dimensional state of being. Like afterwards .
My sacral REALLY likes Buti yoga. I'm not sure why...and I'll still do traditional yoga. But Buti yoga is pretty amazing. I love the way that she integrates the Spiral into her workouts.
More about Buti (news report)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xil7qcvH3wc
Anyway, I've got Buti classes in town for the next few nights...excited. Doing Buti on my own is interesting but it is something else entirely to do it with other people. You totally let go of self-consciousness and it can be very humbling, that's for sure. You have to make yourself a bit vulnerable to do Buti, from my experience...but it's so worth it. Because vulnerability can = strength.
I've been happy because yoga has taken a central place in my life again. I did my first WHEEL in ages yesterday, and although my flexibility is still not there and I was afraid to push it, at least it was DONE, and now will only get better from HERE. Back in the day I could throw up wheels anytime, anywhere...I KNOW I can get back to that.
It's just an entertaining hobby to have when you're a mom...yoga is. Because it's so liberating and freeing. It makes you feel different things from the way you move your body. I had a solid vinyasa flow yesterday and it was beautiful to feel how expansive my body could become. I felt like I was soaring on the sky.
Buti yoga is different then traditional yoga for sure. It's a lot more punchy and dynamic. You just feel yourself swirling around with the movements and doing things with your body that you didn't think you could do. I literally thought some of the things that I'm doing in Buti were beyond me, but I'm doing them, and that's exciting. It requires a willingness to keep going, as these are intense physical energetic exercises. Of course, you can just go down into child's pose if you feel like you can't go on, but then get right back up.
You do a lot of swirling of the abdominals and hips in this type of yoga...they call it "tribal" but really, I think they just call it that to mellow down what it actually does. It awakens your kundalini, plain and simple, and liberates your lower chakras. And I can't think of anyone in our sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually repressed world who doesn't need that. I think I know MOST Generator-types need to free themselves from the GROUND up. You get those hips and sacral released and start freeing yourself and you feel so much better. I have been feeling lately that every time I do Buti I end up in a psi-dimensional state of being. Like afterwards .
My sacral REALLY likes Buti yoga. I'm not sure why...and I'll still do traditional yoga. But Buti yoga is pretty amazing. I love the way that she integrates the Spiral into her workouts.
More about Buti (news report)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xil7qcvH3wc
Anyway, I've got Buti classes in town for the next few nights...excited. Doing Buti on my own is interesting but it is something else entirely to do it with other people. You totally let go of self-consciousness and it can be very humbling, that's for sure. You have to make yourself a bit vulnerable to do Buti, from my experience...but it's so worth it. Because vulnerability can = strength.
Friday, October 31, 2014
BUTI.
Okay so...I came across this fitness phenomenon called Buti Yoga. My girlfriend on the island has been doing it and it has completely transformed her body. She had 2 kids under 2 years (the youngest is a year old) and now she has a six pack and tight butt and the leanest legs I've ever seen. Plus her arms look amazing, really muscular but thin. I've really seen her body change a lot in a pretty short period of time.
She showed me a video of what Buti is, and it was really appealing to me from the beginning but also like, "Whoa...that's slightly Scandelous." As it involves a lot of hip circles and booty shaking.
Well, I decided to see if it could work for me too.
I have this to say:
The Kundalini Activation with Buti yoga is insane. I can hardly remember another time that I've felt so revved. It's like all the spiral and circular hip motions seem to unlock some incredible energy potential. I feel way different with Buti in my life, that's for sure. I've been doing an hour of Buti and then 30 minutes of vinyasa flow almost every night. (on the days I don't do Buti, I run) Buti is really fun, I find myself enjoying the challenge of the body strength and energy that is needed to complete each exercise. It's HARD WORK though. It does require you to push yourself.
As for the "sexual" vibe of the Buti work out, well, I'm not going to lie. It's made me feel more sexy, as well as sexual. In fact I'm having the best sex of my life since starting Buti. You get your hips so free and loose with Buti that it feels like sex is just way better. But I'm totally okay with this.
A sample Buti class, sped up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4oT2tM06qo&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A
Another amazing Buti video...gets into what Buti is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai7z5vuuCrQ&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A&index=11
She showed me a video of what Buti is, and it was really appealing to me from the beginning but also like, "Whoa...that's slightly Scandelous." As it involves a lot of hip circles and booty shaking.
Well, I decided to see if it could work for me too.
I have this to say:
The Kundalini Activation with Buti yoga is insane. I can hardly remember another time that I've felt so revved. It's like all the spiral and circular hip motions seem to unlock some incredible energy potential. I feel way different with Buti in my life, that's for sure. I've been doing an hour of Buti and then 30 minutes of vinyasa flow almost every night. (on the days I don't do Buti, I run) Buti is really fun, I find myself enjoying the challenge of the body strength and energy that is needed to complete each exercise. It's HARD WORK though. It does require you to push yourself.
As for the "sexual" vibe of the Buti work out, well, I'm not going to lie. It's made me feel more sexy, as well as sexual. In fact I'm having the best sex of my life since starting Buti. You get your hips so free and loose with Buti that it feels like sex is just way better. But I'm totally okay with this.
A sample Buti class, sped up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4oT2tM06qo&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A
Another amazing Buti video...gets into what Buti is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai7z5vuuCrQ&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A&index=11
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Corporeal Fires...
It hit me the other day. Maybe when hearing about a close friend's grandfather passing away.
But I am seriously going to die one day. So why the hell wait to do
ANYTHING in life! Oh my gawd. I've been wasting so much time. I
have a limited amount of hours left
in life. That's a FACT. I feel like I need to just maximize my use of
them. Holy shit.
The phrase, "I'll rest when I'm dead," has taken on new meaning. Like LIFE is meant to be taken to the limit and that all these little "life breaks" that I seek (like when I watch or read something that doesn't serve my highest) are just because I'm scared of my potential and responsibility to become great.
But all I have to do to become great and serve the highest of myself, is to use the time I have on Earth wisely and push myself to maintain a powerful standard of life. To make the most of every moment...seeing as how the time is limited. I wonder how many minutes of life I have left...
I feel like I'm having something of a midlife crises lately, like I've just realized, "FUCK! This is IT! Why didn't anyone tell me??"
(of course they had, but I was deaf and dumb...and in my 20's.)
Now I've been gobsmacked by reality. You know what? I'm not saying "no" to what comes my way anymore. I have a history of being so damn picky with what I "want to do" and what I want to spend time on, partially because there are so many options. But I am dropping that behavior right now. Things that come my way, opportunities to expand and grow and develop into SOMEONE, will be pursued with open arms. Every moment must be nurtured to maximum potential. Making the best use of the time I have left. Going to work on my yes, instead of my no.
The phrase, "I'll rest when I'm dead," has taken on new meaning. Like LIFE is meant to be taken to the limit and that all these little "life breaks" that I seek (like when I watch or read something that doesn't serve my highest) are just because I'm scared of my potential and responsibility to become great.
But all I have to do to become great and serve the highest of myself, is to use the time I have on Earth wisely and push myself to maintain a powerful standard of life. To make the most of every moment...seeing as how the time is limited. I wonder how many minutes of life I have left...
I feel like I'm having something of a midlife crises lately, like I've just realized, "FUCK! This is IT! Why didn't anyone tell me??"
(of course they had, but I was deaf and dumb...and in my 20's.)
Now I've been gobsmacked by reality. You know what? I'm not saying "no" to what comes my way anymore. I have a history of being so damn picky with what I "want to do" and what I want to spend time on, partially because there are so many options. But I am dropping that behavior right now. Things that come my way, opportunities to expand and grow and develop into SOMEONE, will be pursued with open arms. Every moment must be nurtured to maximum potential. Making the best use of the time I have left. Going to work on my yes, instead of my no.
Friday, October 24, 2014
SHAKTI.
I am going to RISE UP. I'm going to RISE ABOVE.
I WILL NOT allow anyone in my life to drag me down.
People can be negative, judgmental and just plain catty and mean. Projecting all their shit onto you. Demanding or crying for support, but incapable of giving it. Even lashing out at you for daring to take a different path then theirs. That DOES NOT mean I have to get sucked down into playing that game myself. I MAY AS WELL just continue my onwards and upwards trajectory. Keep my control. Keep my focus. Surrender into balance and PEACE.
Keep it together. That's what I do. And let go. I'm really good at this, too. Letting go letting go letting go.
Becoming UNTOUCHABLE.
At some point in life, you just gotta stop kissing people's asses. Stand up for yourself, by doing what's right for YOU and your path, regardless of the criticism, the condemnation and the judgement. It's INEVITABLE, that if you are doing something new, something daring, something unique, people will hate you for it. Either overtly or subconsciously. It takes a self-confident person to support you when you're doing something in your life that they don't agree with. It takes a self-confident person to continue onwards despite people doing all they can energetically to halt you in your tracks. Well, I don't care. I have blinders on, and I'll do what I do.
I'm growing into my full Goddess self. That's the destination. I have a daughter now. It's up to me to show her what is possible, as an empowered and evolved woman of this world. And you know what? An absolute REFUSAL TO SUBMIT to social pressure, whether of culture or from friends and family, is part of that. And if you talk the talk, you better walk the walk. That's called being consistent.
I'm really good at just forging on ahead. I'm glad I was born with this soul-deep determination. I hope I pass it on to all my children.
I WILL NOT allow anyone in my life to drag me down.
People can be negative, judgmental and just plain catty and mean. Projecting all their shit onto you. Demanding or crying for support, but incapable of giving it. Even lashing out at you for daring to take a different path then theirs. That DOES NOT mean I have to get sucked down into playing that game myself. I MAY AS WELL just continue my onwards and upwards trajectory. Keep my control. Keep my focus. Surrender into balance and PEACE.
Keep it together. That's what I do. And let go. I'm really good at this, too. Letting go letting go letting go.
Becoming UNTOUCHABLE.
At some point in life, you just gotta stop kissing people's asses. Stand up for yourself, by doing what's right for YOU and your path, regardless of the criticism, the condemnation and the judgement. It's INEVITABLE, that if you are doing something new, something daring, something unique, people will hate you for it. Either overtly or subconsciously. It takes a self-confident person to support you when you're doing something in your life that they don't agree with. It takes a self-confident person to continue onwards despite people doing all they can energetically to halt you in your tracks. Well, I don't care. I have blinders on, and I'll do what I do.
I'm growing into my full Goddess self. That's the destination. I have a daughter now. It's up to me to show her what is possible, as an empowered and evolved woman of this world. And you know what? An absolute REFUSAL TO SUBMIT to social pressure, whether of culture or from friends and family, is part of that. And if you talk the talk, you better walk the walk. That's called being consistent.
I'm really good at just forging on ahead. I'm glad I was born with this soul-deep determination. I hope I pass it on to all my children.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Preparing for Samhain as a Born-Again Pagan
Samhain = what Halloween was before it was Halloween. It's a pagan holiday.
I'm psyched. This is my first holiday as a self-admitted pagan. I came out of the closet to myself and my immediate family while pregnant with Seraphina, but this is something I've "known" my entire life. I've always thought of myself as a tree-hugger, Nature girl. Through many years of soul-searching, now I think I feel comfortable putting a label on what my spirituality is. Pagan is a VERY broad term to describe a nature-based spirituality. Because of this broad brush encompassing many aspects of nature-based faiths, it allows for much more freedom of belief, at least for me. I would also even go as far as to describe myself as a Pantheist. According to Wikipedia, Pantheism is: the belief that the universe (or nature as the totality of everything) is identical with divinity,[1] or that everything composes an all-encompassing, immanent God.[2]
And that means EVERYTHING, because EVERYTHING is part of NATURE.
(Albert Einstein, one of the greatest minds of our time, is also considered to be a pantheist by many philosophers...)
But my actual beliefs are more complex and vast then even that. The microcosm and the macrocosm are ONE, and I try to view everything from an inclusive, holistic perspective. I believe that there are energies in the universe which we do not understand, and paradigms of consciousness and systems of life of which humanity is only the teeniest fraction of, and has only the most miniature awareness of. WE are both small and large, contained and exploding. In a way, I do believe in "gods" and "goddesses" (plural) as archetypal representations of the the universal collective consciousness. Space and time itself is so vast and unexplored that I believe there are aspects to existence which are unknowable to human experience. But I believe it's all ONE THING, comprised of many infinite layers, all NATURE though, all part of the whole. ALL of it, no matter how insane or garish, is still part of the same system of NATURE. It can't NOT be. And who knows why Nature does what it does...we humans try to figure it out, but there's simply too much too know, too many layers, to know it ALL. It's arrogant to imagine that we could, when our senses are limited to a human perspective and the Universe is so much more then what we are. It's fucking INFINITE out there, man. At the same time I have come to realize that the Spirit which is within us all is also part of that infinity.
DIVINITY INFINITY...
I guess you could say that NATURE (the infinite system of EVERYTHING) is my "God." But I don't like that word to describe it. I am cautious about using the word 'God' because it has so much cultural baggage attached to it. At the same time, it's still the one word that can be used almost universally to elicit a strong mental idea of a divine "being." In MY eyes, though, the "Divine Being" is all there is, including me and you...and in common religions 'God' and man are considered separate. I don't buy into the separateness at all. If we are to believe in an Infinite Being, then that infiniteness would include EVERYTHING, wouldn't it? If 'God' is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, as is frequently thought, then that would mean that God is absolutely inclusive of everything that exists.
But like I said, I don't like the word 'God.' I prefer to use the word 'Spirit' if I am referencing divinity...and in my eyes Spirit inhabits everything in existence. Reality as we know it is just a screen on which Spirit plays out its movie of life...but as I was saying, I believe there are many screens, many layers, and many dimensions through which Spirit inhabits. (And of course, Spirit = Nature...Spirit is the thing that's running everything, composed of many infinite working parts. All part of the same system though.)
I find that what makes the most sense for my spirituality is versatility and room for "movement" in belief. I like to feel like I have some wriggle room to grow and change. In fact, to me movement of belief means that I am learning and staying proactive with my soul-education. But I'd say that the thing that's MOST important to my spirituality, and my life in general, and what has gotten me as far as I've gone to the point where I consider this itself a holy act, is cultivating a sense of personal power, self-realization and soul intention. The "science" of the magic of intention and the truth and power of physical action are mirrored aspects of self-realization and continuing to evolve and are VITAL to my path. I believe in finding divinity within oneself rather then looking outside. In other words, I am more likely to feel like a solid meditation or yoga session or even a run is way more worthwhile to me then going to church and having someone tell me what they believe. Working on MYSELF all by MYSELF is key for my spiritual growth. That's just where I've come to. I find immense value in a cultivating a practice of spirituality that is experiential and personal. I need to discover these things on my own.
At the same time I totally recognize the value of collaborating with a group of people who are all of similar spiritual leanings. I don't really have any close-knit support for my brand of spirituality where I live, and that's something I feel is lacking in a solitary path. We ALL need support and validation for our spiritual work (not just via the internet...) and I wish I could have more of this in life, but as of now, it's not happening. I'm on my own and it's up to just me to keep myself focused enough to keep growing and studying and learning and most of all, PRACTICING. So saying that, there's really something positive to be said for a "church family" or a "spiritual tribe." I know my Baptist Christian parents really get A LOT out of their church family...they are constantly telling me I should join a church but it just wouldn't work out. I am not conventional enough in my belief to handle that, nor do I think people in the church would know how to handle me in a respectful way. I've been there, done that, and I've had negative experiences in Christian churches so I stay away. But I am certainly open to finding a church that resonates with MY spirit....at some point. I do miss the kinship that comes with shared belief.
AS OF NOW, forests filled with ancient trees and various expressions of Nature comprises the entirety of my church. That's the best I can do and it's enough. I am ONE with the trees. I have come to see myself as sort of dryad or as possessing a faerie bloodline. Indeed, I feel there is something a bit mystical and magical about me and I am just now embracing this part of myself. The trees are where I belong. I don't feel at home in an area without trees, which is why spending my formative years in central Texas (very few trees, and certainly no ancient ones) was so difficult for me. You can't take a dryad away from her trees...
When it comes to prayer, I do it, but to me the word prayer is synonymous with meditating, energy work, stilling the mind, making soul commitments of intention, etc. I think even certain physical acts can be paralleled with prayer. Spellcrafting and rituals feel like prayer to me, because you are creating a sacred space in which to do spiritual work. Any time sacred space is created, that's prayer to my perception. Even BREATHING, when done with high intentions, can be both prayerful and acknowledging of our divine nature.
One of the cornerstones of my spirituality is GRATITUDE. I feel like spiritual work is the most pure and wholesome when it is done with an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness. Counting my blessings and seeing with REAL EYES how amazingly fortunate I am in life, is key to maintaining my relationship with the divine.
I could go on and on, but my children's naptime is almost over so I am going to practice my spirituality by being a good mother and prepare for their awakenings. They are such a gift to the world and I am so lucky to have them in my life.
I'm psyched. This is my first holiday as a self-admitted pagan. I came out of the closet to myself and my immediate family while pregnant with Seraphina, but this is something I've "known" my entire life. I've always thought of myself as a tree-hugger, Nature girl. Through many years of soul-searching, now I think I feel comfortable putting a label on what my spirituality is. Pagan is a VERY broad term to describe a nature-based spirituality. Because of this broad brush encompassing many aspects of nature-based faiths, it allows for much more freedom of belief, at least for me. I would also even go as far as to describe myself as a Pantheist. According to Wikipedia, Pantheism is: the belief that the universe (or nature as the totality of everything) is identical with divinity,[1] or that everything composes an all-encompassing, immanent God.[2]
And that means EVERYTHING, because EVERYTHING is part of NATURE.
(Albert Einstein, one of the greatest minds of our time, is also considered to be a pantheist by many philosophers...)
But my actual beliefs are more complex and vast then even that. The microcosm and the macrocosm are ONE, and I try to view everything from an inclusive, holistic perspective. I believe that there are energies in the universe which we do not understand, and paradigms of consciousness and systems of life of which humanity is only the teeniest fraction of, and has only the most miniature awareness of. WE are both small and large, contained and exploding. In a way, I do believe in "gods" and "goddesses" (plural) as archetypal representations of the the universal collective consciousness. Space and time itself is so vast and unexplored that I believe there are aspects to existence which are unknowable to human experience. But I believe it's all ONE THING, comprised of many infinite layers, all NATURE though, all part of the whole. ALL of it, no matter how insane or garish, is still part of the same system of NATURE. It can't NOT be. And who knows why Nature does what it does...we humans try to figure it out, but there's simply too much too know, too many layers, to know it ALL. It's arrogant to imagine that we could, when our senses are limited to a human perspective and the Universe is so much more then what we are. It's fucking INFINITE out there, man. At the same time I have come to realize that the Spirit which is within us all is also part of that infinity.
DIVINITY INFINITY...
I guess you could say that NATURE (the infinite system of EVERYTHING) is my "God." But I don't like that word to describe it. I am cautious about using the word 'God' because it has so much cultural baggage attached to it. At the same time, it's still the one word that can be used almost universally to elicit a strong mental idea of a divine "being." In MY eyes, though, the "Divine Being" is all there is, including me and you...and in common religions 'God' and man are considered separate. I don't buy into the separateness at all. If we are to believe in an Infinite Being, then that infiniteness would include EVERYTHING, wouldn't it? If 'God' is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, as is frequently thought, then that would mean that God is absolutely inclusive of everything that exists.
But like I said, I don't like the word 'God.' I prefer to use the word 'Spirit' if I am referencing divinity...and in my eyes Spirit inhabits everything in existence. Reality as we know it is just a screen on which Spirit plays out its movie of life...but as I was saying, I believe there are many screens, many layers, and many dimensions through which Spirit inhabits. (And of course, Spirit = Nature...Spirit is the thing that's running everything, composed of many infinite working parts. All part of the same system though.)
I find that what makes the most sense for my spirituality is versatility and room for "movement" in belief. I like to feel like I have some wriggle room to grow and change. In fact, to me movement of belief means that I am learning and staying proactive with my soul-education. But I'd say that the thing that's MOST important to my spirituality, and my life in general, and what has gotten me as far as I've gone to the point where I consider this itself a holy act, is cultivating a sense of personal power, self-realization and soul intention. The "science" of the magic of intention and the truth and power of physical action are mirrored aspects of self-realization and continuing to evolve and are VITAL to my path. I believe in finding divinity within oneself rather then looking outside. In other words, I am more likely to feel like a solid meditation or yoga session or even a run is way more worthwhile to me then going to church and having someone tell me what they believe. Working on MYSELF all by MYSELF is key for my spiritual growth. That's just where I've come to. I find immense value in a cultivating a practice of spirituality that is experiential and personal. I need to discover these things on my own.
At the same time I totally recognize the value of collaborating with a group of people who are all of similar spiritual leanings. I don't really have any close-knit support for my brand of spirituality where I live, and that's something I feel is lacking in a solitary path. We ALL need support and validation for our spiritual work (not just via the internet...) and I wish I could have more of this in life, but as of now, it's not happening. I'm on my own and it's up to just me to keep myself focused enough to keep growing and studying and learning and most of all, PRACTICING. So saying that, there's really something positive to be said for a "church family" or a "spiritual tribe." I know my Baptist Christian parents really get A LOT out of their church family...they are constantly telling me I should join a church but it just wouldn't work out. I am not conventional enough in my belief to handle that, nor do I think people in the church would know how to handle me in a respectful way. I've been there, done that, and I've had negative experiences in Christian churches so I stay away. But I am certainly open to finding a church that resonates with MY spirit....at some point. I do miss the kinship that comes with shared belief.
AS OF NOW, forests filled with ancient trees and various expressions of Nature comprises the entirety of my church. That's the best I can do and it's enough. I am ONE with the trees. I have come to see myself as sort of dryad or as possessing a faerie bloodline. Indeed, I feel there is something a bit mystical and magical about me and I am just now embracing this part of myself. The trees are where I belong. I don't feel at home in an area without trees, which is why spending my formative years in central Texas (very few trees, and certainly no ancient ones) was so difficult for me. You can't take a dryad away from her trees...
When it comes to prayer, I do it, but to me the word prayer is synonymous with meditating, energy work, stilling the mind, making soul commitments of intention, etc. I think even certain physical acts can be paralleled with prayer. Spellcrafting and rituals feel like prayer to me, because you are creating a sacred space in which to do spiritual work. Any time sacred space is created, that's prayer to my perception. Even BREATHING, when done with high intentions, can be both prayerful and acknowledging of our divine nature.
One of the cornerstones of my spirituality is GRATITUDE. I feel like spiritual work is the most pure and wholesome when it is done with an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness. Counting my blessings and seeing with REAL EYES how amazingly fortunate I am in life, is key to maintaining my relationship with the divine.
I could go on and on, but my children's naptime is almost over so I am going to practice my spirituality by being a good mother and prepare for their awakenings. They are such a gift to the world and I am so lucky to have them in my life.
Friday, September 26, 2014
"I believe I CAN do it all."
I'm rebuilding my identity from the ground up again. Every time I do this, I turn out better then the 'me' I was before...
I've done this twice before. It requires a lot of commitment and drive.
A lot of determination to be the best I can be. To do the best that I can, every single moment, day and night.
RELENTLESS willpower. And constant, constant work.
I can't tell you how much work it takes lately to do everything I want to do.
I'm so determined to BE THE BEST ME. Sometimes it means saying goodbye to who I was before NOW.
GOODBYE.
EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS.
WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE. (Radioactive...)
............(his system blew....)
I've done this twice before. It requires a lot of commitment and drive.
A lot of determination to be the best I can be. To do the best that I can, every single moment, day and night.
RELENTLESS willpower. And constant, constant work.
I can't tell you how much work it takes lately to do everything I want to do.
I'm so determined to BE THE BEST ME. Sometimes it means saying goodbye to who I was before NOW.
GOODBYE.
EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS.
WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE. (Radioactive...)
............(his system blew....)
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Hey! Shiva Shankara!! Ommm NAMAH SHIVAYA!!!
TODAY: I will ramble on about TODAY.
As I navigate the blurry days of being a mom again for the second time, I find myself blooming into structure, order and self-discipline like never before. I just NEED this, I NEED to be structured and in ORDER to be FREE and FLOW. If life gets chaotic, the best way to deal is simply to become highly disciplined and in control. Perhaps paradoxically, I am much more able to go with the flow of life and yield into growth and adaptation when I have myself firmly in check. When I am in check, when I am structured, I am calm and serene. I am relaxed.
The more kids I have, the more this self-discipline becomes crucial in order for my family and I to thrive to the highest levels of our beings.
EVERYDAY SPIRITUAL ECSTASY= THE MOST IMPORTANT GOAL. SOUL FOCUS, SPIRIT FOCUS. I feel it in the daily in's and out's of caring for my two children. I practice it in my thoughts and in my actions. In my self-discipline there is peace.
This FOCUS is so pristine! And so unexpected! When I was pregnant with Seraphina, I could barely think. I had no mind. It made me very uncomfortable, but I tried to keep the faith. In the end, I morphed into a FORCE OF NATURE. It led me to exactly where I needed to be, to open the portal that would not only birth my daughter, but also send my kundalini through the roof, connecting me firmly with SPIRIT. After the baby came ~ It's like there's a torrent ripped inside of me! I feel so open! So clear! So focused! The most powerful HIGH of my life has been giving birth and caring for babies. There is nothing else which compares...and I've done a lot of mind altering things in my life history.
IT'S ALL SO WORTH IT.
I'm so thankful. So much feels to have changed for me, INSIDE.
There's more that happens to a woman then a baby when giving birth, that's for sure.
My darling Seraphina, who has become an incredible teacher already:
Sleepy girl...she's having a growth spurt! Starting to get chubby already.
Caspian at gymnastics today with daddy and grandma, while mama and baby sister look on:
Nursing two...hard to get a picture of all of us. Mama is tired but happy. <3
I am beginning my journey to look for a kirtan/chanting group on the Big Island. Kirtan and chanting has become the ultimate refuge for my heart and mind. I pushed Seraphina out of my body listening to chanting. It's music to my soul. I need to find people who can do it with me and feel the ecstasy too. I'm going to call my acupuncturist tomorrow. I've heard that she knows about kirtan.
I just feel it. I feel it STRONG. I need this. I need this. I feel power in this. I love how it just builds...and Builds...AND BUILDS!!!!! ENERGY FLOWING LIKE CRAZYYYY!!!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Life as Four ~ Ganapati Om!!!
We are a family of four, at last, two adults and two kids. So far the transition has been going pretty well. There has been some challenging moments, especially the first week after the baby arrived, as I had my first taste of juggling the needs of two kids, and was so enamored with my baby that I could hardly focus on anything else. That first week post partum, I remained safe and tucked away in my Cave, pausing from babyland only to interact and nurse my 2 year old son when he came in to visit wit his daddy. I don't think I would have done it any differently. It was exactly perfect to just sit there with my baby alone, she and I, except for occasional visits from the rest of my family and guests curious about the new arrival, people bringing me water and food, etc. I am so so thankful Seraphina and I had that crucial time to bond together exclusively in the first week of life. Hours and hours spent those first few precious days snuggling, Seraphina asleep on my body, both of us naked. Skin on skin. We got to know each other, and are still learning.
She was fussy the first few days, and that was stressful. I realized that every baby is sooo different with what they like and I couldn't seem to soothe her which troubled me. But after my milk came in full force (and holy moly, do I have a lot of milk this time, thanks to nursing two kids!) she settled into a baby who is pretty happy most of the time.
Seraphina is a very strong and sturdy baby. Even Roxanne my midwife commented on how good she could hold her head up from birth. I was pretty amazed, as I remember Caspian being pretty floppy for a long time. Not her. She is also a hugely curious soul. She is forever bending herself around and around to look and gaze at the world. She spends hours a day alert and taking in reality with wide eyed awe. All she wants to do is look around.
Caspian is delighted with his sister. He proudly tells people that he has a little sister, loves to lick her soft head with his tongue (yes lick) and when she cries he tells her, "it's okay, baby!" I'm starting to get that heart-warming feeling that I've heard parents speak about when seeing young siblings interact. The first week or two, yeah, it was a bit harrowing! Caspian seemed SO big and so wild, compared to my sweet new baby. But I did some research on helping the older sibling adjust, and retrained my mind to see Caspian as he IS: still a very very young person, still little. I am not falling into the trap of making a big deal over him being a "big brother" anymore, because doing that seemed to give him uncertainty. Instead I just aim to pour love into him as much as possible and nurse him as much as possible with Seraphina. This is working. They are bonding.
He always asks to hold and touch her.
Nursing 2 kids = tandem nursing = it's a bit difficult at times because you start to feel "touched out," like there is always someone on you, nursing, touching you. But I know it's the best for Caspian. In fact he really started taking a shine to his sister once I started nursing them together and at this point in time he seems happy and like he's adjusting well. So I'm happy to do it. He loves to touch her hands and her belly while they nurse together. I am really enjoying seeing their relationship develop and blossom. Now that I'm feeling healed from the birth, and pregnancy, I'm becoming FUN MOMMY again with him, which he is really enjoying. I am too. I deeply missed being fun mommy.
With tandem nursing sometimes one nurses then falls asleep on you, while the other one keeps nursing. Many times a day I have both of them on me, but also make space for solo nursing sessions.
I've had my mom here for weeks 2/3 of post partum, and she has really helped ease the transition. But I am very ready to be on my own now. I feel ready to do this thing with my party of four.
To carry me on my journey as a mother of 2 and to keep me on the right track mentally/spiritually, I've been listening to nonstop chanting and kirtan. Dave Stringer, Rasa, Deva Premal, the Gyuto Monks of Tibet. It's awesome. SO awesome. It's really invigorating my soul and gives me motivation to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO in order to be the person I'm MEANT to be for my kids. I got such a soul-treatment during my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that I'm finding it very easy to just fall into doing the things that are **RIGHT** for me, that WILL build me up to be not only the person of my dreams, but someone whom my children can look up to.
I've been reading. Not just fiction, but yes, fiction...delicious fiction. But also STUDY, reading majickal texts, learning how to cast my intention and attract what I want out of life. It worked perfectly the last few weeks of my pregnancy. It helped center me repeatedly in the last weeks of pregnancy and prepare me for the coming of my second child. It helped me rebond with my mate, and to create a beautiful birth. Studying these texts and giving the breath of life to my spirituality, allowing it to rise within me once again, has allowed me to have the courage to stop indulging in behaviors which I do not find noble or worthwhile. Quitting my Facebook account was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I don't want to share myself with the government, or with people who would spy on me simply to steal my energy for their own use. And I don't want to waste precious hours of life on the internet. I want my children to see me reading. I want my children to see me studying, with the goal of growth, ALWAYS.
Meditation, focus, intention, praise, gratitude. These are the words of my post partum life. I am rising up but I do not forget where I have been. I have the calm serenity of KNOWING where I am going, and it is beautiful. My vision is clear and I am approaching the apex of my being, the mounting crest of destiny. My children are helping me generate this reality.
I am blessed.
She was fussy the first few days, and that was stressful. I realized that every baby is sooo different with what they like and I couldn't seem to soothe her which troubled me. But after my milk came in full force (and holy moly, do I have a lot of milk this time, thanks to nursing two kids!) she settled into a baby who is pretty happy most of the time.
Seraphina is a very strong and sturdy baby. Even Roxanne my midwife commented on how good she could hold her head up from birth. I was pretty amazed, as I remember Caspian being pretty floppy for a long time. Not her. She is also a hugely curious soul. She is forever bending herself around and around to look and gaze at the world. She spends hours a day alert and taking in reality with wide eyed awe. All she wants to do is look around.
Caspian is delighted with his sister. He proudly tells people that he has a little sister, loves to lick her soft head with his tongue (yes lick) and when she cries he tells her, "it's okay, baby!" I'm starting to get that heart-warming feeling that I've heard parents speak about when seeing young siblings interact. The first week or two, yeah, it was a bit harrowing! Caspian seemed SO big and so wild, compared to my sweet new baby. But I did some research on helping the older sibling adjust, and retrained my mind to see Caspian as he IS: still a very very young person, still little. I am not falling into the trap of making a big deal over him being a "big brother" anymore, because doing that seemed to give him uncertainty. Instead I just aim to pour love into him as much as possible and nurse him as much as possible with Seraphina. This is working. They are bonding.
He always asks to hold and touch her.
Nursing 2 kids = tandem nursing = it's a bit difficult at times because you start to feel "touched out," like there is always someone on you, nursing, touching you. But I know it's the best for Caspian. In fact he really started taking a shine to his sister once I started nursing them together and at this point in time he seems happy and like he's adjusting well. So I'm happy to do it. He loves to touch her hands and her belly while they nurse together. I am really enjoying seeing their relationship develop and blossom. Now that I'm feeling healed from the birth, and pregnancy, I'm becoming FUN MOMMY again with him, which he is really enjoying. I am too. I deeply missed being fun mommy.
With tandem nursing sometimes one nurses then falls asleep on you, while the other one keeps nursing. Many times a day I have both of them on me, but also make space for solo nursing sessions.
I've had my mom here for weeks 2/3 of post partum, and she has really helped ease the transition. But I am very ready to be on my own now. I feel ready to do this thing with my party of four.
To carry me on my journey as a mother of 2 and to keep me on the right track mentally/spiritually, I've been listening to nonstop chanting and kirtan. Dave Stringer, Rasa, Deva Premal, the Gyuto Monks of Tibet. It's awesome. SO awesome. It's really invigorating my soul and gives me motivation to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO in order to be the person I'm MEANT to be for my kids. I got such a soul-treatment during my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that I'm finding it very easy to just fall into doing the things that are **RIGHT** for me, that WILL build me up to be not only the person of my dreams, but someone whom my children can look up to.
Meditation, focus, intention, praise, gratitude. These are the words of my post partum life. I am rising up but I do not forget where I have been. I have the calm serenity of KNOWING where I am going, and it is beautiful. My vision is clear and I am approaching the apex of my being, the mounting crest of destiny. My children are helping me generate this reality.
I am blessed.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Changing me, from the outside in, inside out.
It's metamorphosis time.
I need to feel like I can change.
This is a time of wild transformation. I'm just going with it.
So much is different, and I'm getting my bearings.
I know SO MUCH needs to change. My appearance is changing by the day...not only due to the pregnancy, but there have also been cosmetic changes as well. I feel more and more drawn to body modification, in the form of dreadlocks, gauged ears and new piercings. I'm letting myself go in a way I never have before. I just want to do what I want. Seeing changes to my physical appearance (other then the big belly) appeals to me greatly. I'm drawn to creating myself as I need to be. It doesn't feel entirely conscious. A lot of these cosmetic decisions are intuitive, instinctive. I just want to adorn myself the way I want, and screw all convention. Changing my look is what's helping me continue to feel attractive, despite starting to get heavily pregnant.
I can't tell you how much more beautiful I feel in pregnancy, when I dread a piece of hair, or gauge my ears more, or put on some lipstick and a pretty outfit. Life is 10x better in pregnancy, when I shift my appearance somehow. I have experienced being completely sick, rundown and depressed, and a simple change in clothes like a slinky sundress, a super comfy and gorgeously colored harem outfit, and tie-dye yoga pants can revolutionize my energy and make me feel so activated and confident. With this pregnancy, I have to keep mixing stuff up. In fact that's been the theme of the entire experience so far. Gotta keep shifting around.
This period of dramatic change is indicated in my decision to amplify the storyline to my novel, turn it inside out, and make the premise galactic in scale. I finally came to an understanding of what I need to do, in order to keep the story flowing. It has felt like it hasn't been getting enough oxygen or something. I needed to change a crucial piece of the world design, and completely change a perspective from a very important vantage point. It's become paramount now that I go along with these changes, even though they are grand. It can't be all about the biosphere. It just can't be. It's also about multi-galactic civilizations. It's about the connection to Old Humanity, and where the future of our species is heading. Most of all...it has to be a good story. Which requires me to open up, let go, and literally think outside the box. It's a big deal. It means things are going to start happening again, pretty fast...my first book has just gotten a jolt of revitalizing energy.
Pregnancy-wise...I am getting bigger and bigger. I forgot how impressive a preggo belly can get in the last trimester. My baby is a pretty fierce mover lately. It literally feels like he/she is trying to break out of my belly at times. The baby is breech, so hopefully it will turn soon. My midwife said that the baby so active is a sign that he/she is trying to move head down. Having a breech baby (head in stomach) has meant a return of sickness and upset tummy. Hunger is periodic...I am starting to feel starving...but unable to fit much in my belly with a big head smashed into it and constant nausea. Roxanne (midwife) says that when the baby turns, I'll have more space and less pressure for my stomach again. But I'll probably get kicks in my ribs as the trade off. She's sure the baby will move head down soon. I hope so.
In the meantime, I will just keep growing and changing. Embracing the wild metamorphosis.
I need to feel like I can change.
This is a time of wild transformation. I'm just going with it.
So much is different, and I'm getting my bearings.
I know SO MUCH needs to change. My appearance is changing by the day...not only due to the pregnancy, but there have also been cosmetic changes as well. I feel more and more drawn to body modification, in the form of dreadlocks, gauged ears and new piercings. I'm letting myself go in a way I never have before. I just want to do what I want. Seeing changes to my physical appearance (other then the big belly) appeals to me greatly. I'm drawn to creating myself as I need to be. It doesn't feel entirely conscious. A lot of these cosmetic decisions are intuitive, instinctive. I just want to adorn myself the way I want, and screw all convention. Changing my look is what's helping me continue to feel attractive, despite starting to get heavily pregnant.
I can't tell you how much more beautiful I feel in pregnancy, when I dread a piece of hair, or gauge my ears more, or put on some lipstick and a pretty outfit. Life is 10x better in pregnancy, when I shift my appearance somehow. I have experienced being completely sick, rundown and depressed, and a simple change in clothes like a slinky sundress, a super comfy and gorgeously colored harem outfit, and tie-dye yoga pants can revolutionize my energy and make me feel so activated and confident. With this pregnancy, I have to keep mixing stuff up. In fact that's been the theme of the entire experience so far. Gotta keep shifting around.
This period of dramatic change is indicated in my decision to amplify the storyline to my novel, turn it inside out, and make the premise galactic in scale. I finally came to an understanding of what I need to do, in order to keep the story flowing. It has felt like it hasn't been getting enough oxygen or something. I needed to change a crucial piece of the world design, and completely change a perspective from a very important vantage point. It's become paramount now that I go along with these changes, even though they are grand. It can't be all about the biosphere. It just can't be. It's also about multi-galactic civilizations. It's about the connection to Old Humanity, and where the future of our species is heading. Most of all...it has to be a good story. Which requires me to open up, let go, and literally think outside the box. It's a big deal. It means things are going to start happening again, pretty fast...my first book has just gotten a jolt of revitalizing energy.
Pregnancy-wise...I am getting bigger and bigger. I forgot how impressive a preggo belly can get in the last trimester. My baby is a pretty fierce mover lately. It literally feels like he/she is trying to break out of my belly at times. The baby is breech, so hopefully it will turn soon. My midwife said that the baby so active is a sign that he/she is trying to move head down. Having a breech baby (head in stomach) has meant a return of sickness and upset tummy. Hunger is periodic...I am starting to feel starving...but unable to fit much in my belly with a big head smashed into it and constant nausea. Roxanne (midwife) says that when the baby turns, I'll have more space and less pressure for my stomach again. But I'll probably get kicks in my ribs as the trade off. She's sure the baby will move head down soon. I hope so.
In the meantime, I will just keep growing and changing. Embracing the wild metamorphosis.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Just a Scribe
Amazeballs. I am in love with life. It's horrible here on
Earth. The air, sea and land are all polluted, as are people's
bodies. And many people here are twisted fools. There's people
dying and going insane everywhere. Nobody's really perfect.
Everyone has problems, including me. Governments are corrupt. There
is a mass extinction going on. But I still love life for giving me
the opportunitiy to EXIST. To CREATE something powerful, out of this time of global desperation. I appreciate that. I'm a fighter, and
I'm glad to have a fight to fight. Something to do that means
SOMETHING...to me. Something that I love
and believe in so much that I can throw myself at it mercilessly,
time and time again, just never giving up, just keep going, and
going, and going, building and making the piece of work that will
distinguish me as a writer. In my mind at least. ;)
I sometimes think I don't have it in me. That I don't have what it takes. I sometimes wonder how one brain can contain it all. I think, how can one human being,write it all? I even sometimes think about giving up and just doing something else with my life. HOWEVER...I am learning to just fucking ignore those feelings/thoughts of doubt and soldier on ahead, word by word., and daring to love every moment of it. Learning to love the love of it. I have to write all the time, I have to be able to just sit here and exist with my novel all the time, as much as I can. And it's a meditation practice in a way, a way of training my mind to travel through space and time, like opening a wormhole to go into the page into another place that comes alive in your third eye. Writing this novel is an AMAZING journey that I am so grateful for. I have to be a fucking warrior to do it.
I don't know. I don't know if it will be any good at all. But I can't really pause to wonder about it, can I? Nope. I just gotta give into the urgency I feel and get it out, without really thinking too much about the end result, just hammer it out and see what happens. It's none of my business if it's bad. Not right now, anyway. I'm just the messenger. I just have to get it out, and enjoy the process. That's my job. Sometimes it's easy and wonderful and sometimes it's agonizing and haunting. The writing flow ebbs and flows, but there's always something waiting to come be written...it really depends on how CLEAR and CONNECTED that I am.
And I'm grateful for the opportunity to exist so that I can do what satisfies my soul. Transcribing...that's all I'm doing. I'm just the writer. This thing is its own Thing. I just let it do its thing, mostly. I just write down what's happening. That's easy enough. Anyone can do that. Just gotta sit with it.
I sometimes think I don't have it in me. That I don't have what it takes. I sometimes wonder how one brain can contain it all. I think, how can one human being,write it all? I even sometimes think about giving up and just doing something else with my life. HOWEVER...I am learning to just fucking ignore those feelings/thoughts of doubt and soldier on ahead, word by word., and daring to love every moment of it. Learning to love the love of it. I have to write all the time, I have to be able to just sit here and exist with my novel all the time, as much as I can. And it's a meditation practice in a way, a way of training my mind to travel through space and time, like opening a wormhole to go into the page into another place that comes alive in your third eye. Writing this novel is an AMAZING journey that I am so grateful for. I have to be a fucking warrior to do it.
I don't know. I don't know if it will be any good at all. But I can't really pause to wonder about it, can I? Nope. I just gotta give into the urgency I feel and get it out, without really thinking too much about the end result, just hammer it out and see what happens. It's none of my business if it's bad. Not right now, anyway. I'm just the messenger. I just have to get it out, and enjoy the process. That's my job. Sometimes it's easy and wonderful and sometimes it's agonizing and haunting. The writing flow ebbs and flows, but there's always something waiting to come be written...it really depends on how CLEAR and CONNECTED that I am.
And I'm grateful for the opportunity to exist so that I can do what satisfies my soul. Transcribing...that's all I'm doing. I'm just the writer. This thing is its own Thing. I just let it do its thing, mostly. I just write down what's happening. That's easy enough. Anyone can do that. Just gotta sit with it.
Definition of TRANSCRIBE
1
a : to make a written copy of
b : to make a copy of (dictated or recorded matter) in longhand or on a machine (as a typewriter)
c : to paraphrase or summarize in writing
d : write down, record
Thursday, July 4, 2013
RUTHLESS.
I may actually be insane but I am done apologizing for my emotions or how I am. I take responsibility for my actions but I really don't give a shit about being all shameful for emotions that I have, or how I am moment to moment. I also have no more guilt for anything I have EVER done. Why the fuck should I feel GUILT about ANYTHING. No the fuck way. I'm over it. Guilt, shame, fear and pain only hold me back. I'm a HUMAN BEING I seek happiness and feeling good in my body and living up to my highest potential as a spiritualized and activated conscious entity. When it comes to BOUNDARIES...I only observe them ~ THEY DO NOT RULE ME. I am BOUNDLESS and FREE. Case closed.
Some people can't handle this. I get it. But I gotta say, I don't really care. I don't care what other people think. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. If I cared, maybe things would be different. But I don't care what people think of me. I won't give anyone else that power over me. Not anymore. People can think what they want but it doesn't effect me because I am INDOMITABLE and will NEVER be repressed by the fear-based opinions, shameful thoughts, and guilt trips of others. I am BEYOND giving a fuck, right here, right now. I just want to LIVE and there is NO WAY anything can contain me.
I will simply BE. I will live my life with RUTHLESS FEARLESSNESS and PITY THE FOOL who stands in my way. The end.
Some people can't handle this. I get it. But I gotta say, I don't really care. I don't care what other people think. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. If I cared, maybe things would be different. But I don't care what people think of me. I won't give anyone else that power over me. Not anymore. People can think what they want but it doesn't effect me because I am INDOMITABLE and will NEVER be repressed by the fear-based opinions, shameful thoughts, and guilt trips of others. I am BEYOND giving a fuck, right here, right now. I just want to LIVE and there is NO WAY anything can contain me.
I will simply BE. I will live my life with RUTHLESS FEARLESSNESS and PITY THE FOOL who stands in my way. The end.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Paetreyl Speaks to me...
I do not like transitions.
I never have.
Stay focused.
That's what they would always say to me
You don't have to know where you're
going to go there.
It's okay to pause and breathe, feel
me...
Don't concern yourself with anything
other then staying aware to the visions, scenes and impressions
coming upon you.
And don't do that, don't go back, don't
go back whatever you do, you will become lost.
If you want to ask me questions, do so.
The paper and pen are just focusing
tools for my energy.
It is only wasting energy if you don't
do it the way I've described.
It's okay to give yourself over to me
for a bit of time. Nobody will mind. Everyone is taken care of at
home.
If you feel me, it's best to relax, and
keep flowing.
Just keep open.
Keep remembering to keep open.
Don't allow the pleasures of the flesh
and the tools of the spirit to distract you more then help you.
You will ask what the point of anything
is.
THIS IS NORMAL.
You really can't worry about it. Doing
so will drive you mad.
Don't go back, remember?
Stay focused on me, please.
You wanted to do this, so here we are.
Can you feel me downloading information
into you each second?
Obvious right?
You just got to trust yourself.
What a channel needs is to be fully
willing to lend self over.
If you're distracted, go hit that. But
come right back.
I have much more to tell you.
See as soon as you return to the world,
there is drama. Avoid it.
Stay focused on me. Switch the music
if you have to.
It's okay to jump in and out of
telepathy.
Don't clench up. Stay relaxed.
Just feel the flow of our breath.
Soak up the stillness, just experience
being close to me.
That stillness.
That feeling behind the feel.
You don't need distractions.
You can just constantly be in the flow
of FEELING...ME. US. WE ARE ONE.
The beingness behind all of us. WE ARE
ONE. I'm in your body, and you are in my body.
Oh, feel the gloriousness of paper and
pen...We don't have either where I am from.
You can just flow how you like...but
plant more trees so that you never run out of paper. If the trees
don't try to kill you for it, that is...like they do here. The trees
are not defenseless here.
Keep that OPEN AWARENESS.
See the Rainbow, this is key. The
Rainbow exists behind all things. If you see the Rainbow, then you
can see me.
Focus is hard to come by sometimes.
That is okay. Our connection will wax and wane and this is normal
while in the flowwww...oh just let go to the beauty of it.
It's all about your consciousness.
Don't look back. Not right now.
In YOUR HEAD.
So maybe you've figured out that you
need to be in your head a lot to be linked to a telepath.
You could forget about your body for
days and not realize it.
Stay grounded, that's what I can
recommend.
And don't shy away from anything.
Please.
You have to be TURNED ON all the time
to deal with me.
Don't go back.
Stay focused.
When we connect, we just do so
incessantly. You can't control the experience.
Not sure what this is all about, do
you? This allowing me to come into your body, thing?
Well it's the most efficient way of
getting what we want to achieve to happen.
You have to give up thinking you know
how it's gonna go.
(take dance lessons already)
Do you see how intense a mindlink with
me can be? All consuming. Down to the last nitty gritty detail.
Don't fear surrendering your body to
me. Don't be afraid to be part of the experiment with me.
We can do this together, you and I.
The connection is always here, just
remember that.
I won't leave. I just want to know you
can handle it. It's not for the faint of heart. Do you really want
multiple lives?
...can your psyche handle it?
Yes, I think you can. You're not like
the others.
You have enough of a grasp on the
planet to not be driven mad.
But it takes ORDER, order, to master
the chaos.
And even then you must expect delays,
detours, and straight up tragedy.
You can't be afraid to look. You can't
be afraid to see what is happening.
Just be happy. While you're working
with me, just be happy. I may drive you crazy at times and it will
help if you are happy...
Don't be afraid to collapse into the
memory stream so absolutely that it blows your mind.
That's it...nice and easy collapse.
The psychic collapse is necessary for
certain information to follow.
Don't be afraid.
Just go into it anyway.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Carry On.
Sometimes (often) it feels nearly impossible to find the words that adequately describe how I feel. I get lost in the sensation of my emotions and forget to communicate. This is almost always a fatal flaw. But how to find the language to put a images to the internal state of my reality so that people can understand? It's tricky. I've been in a real growth process where things I "thought I was over and done with," are suddenly flooding out to sweep me away. Like, WHOA, where the FRAK did that come from? I thought I'd moved on. I thought it was all over and done with, an open and shut case. Not recently...that is. Apparently some emotions I'd stuffed down about my past were resurfacing to haunt me.
The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it. But I can't even do that. So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices. It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure. So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.
Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it. But you're never really "over it." You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it. But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.
And then what do you do? You feel them. You can't help but to feel them. You wonder how you are going to function in life. And then you just do. You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live." And you do. You figure out what you need to do and you do it. Because at a certain point, there's no choice. It's a matter of soul-growth. You can't just let yourself get dragged down. Too many people are depending on you. You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.
Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down. It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on. That's the thing. I can't just "freak out" anymore. I have to keep it together. For the whole family. People are DEPENDING on me.
It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one. Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure? No, they won't. Because I have trained for this my entire life. These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on. Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all. So I'm holding it together, at the center. It's the only thing I can do. I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body. I will come out stronger in the end. I always do.
In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense. There is always something to respond to. So I am simply losing myself in the momentum. Maybe that's been the secret all along. Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability. It's about time I figured it out. I can't handle 'being me' sometimes. So I'll just BE BUSY instead.
The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it. But I can't even do that. So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices. It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure. So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.
Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it. But you're never really "over it." You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it. But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.
And then what do you do? You feel them. You can't help but to feel them. You wonder how you are going to function in life. And then you just do. You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live." And you do. You figure out what you need to do and you do it. Because at a certain point, there's no choice. It's a matter of soul-growth. You can't just let yourself get dragged down. Too many people are depending on you. You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.
Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down. It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on. That's the thing. I can't just "freak out" anymore. I have to keep it together. For the whole family. People are DEPENDING on me.
It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one. Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure? No, they won't. Because I have trained for this my entire life. These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on. Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all. So I'm holding it together, at the center. It's the only thing I can do. I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body. I will come out stronger in the end. I always do.
In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense. There is always something to respond to. So I am simply losing myself in the momentum. Maybe that's been the secret all along. Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability. It's about time I figured it out. I can't handle 'being me' sometimes. So I'll just BE BUSY instead.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Getting Streamlined
Balancing everything in my life as a new mom is super difficult. There's dietary considerations, and fitness considerations, and creative must-work-on-my-novel-or-go-insane considerations, and social connecting considerations, and spiritual awareness considerations. Basically everything that I used to like to work on for myself. The only difference is that now I have a baby. I'm just trying to balance everything in my life, to get everything that I want. I want to be an awesome amazing mom, and the thing is, it's a skill that you seem to hone over time. You start off pretty good, but there is the potential to be a truly awe-inspiring mother if one keeps working on it, if one keeps working to do the very best that they can, to be the best person they can be. Let's be honest: the mother holds up the entire family. Maybe not all mothers. But a mother who is truly in her element, running on pure intuition and instinct, pretty much supports the whole brood, unless she is not supportive.
I think I will only get better and better at it. Every experience I've had thus far has been a teacher. And believe it or not, being a good mother is fantastic practice for novel-writing. The two inter-relate in a few very key areas: particularly patience, and persistence. The thing is, I am studying what it's like to be a mother in detail, at the moment. I've discovered what it takes to be a good one, or at least, am in the process of discovering. This information is creative, and can be translated into other activities for a better reading at how to be the best in whatever field one chooses. I am studying every moment of my day, and every experience I have gets filtered through the "novel-writing lens."
I am just going to be flowing with it and giving it all up to God. I think that's the key to doing great at anything: just giving it all up to God. Like, "whatever," I don't own it, it's not mine...it's just coming through me to splat on the page. You truly start to understand that you are just a vessel. And I'm learning how there is NEVER EVER a spare moment when you're a mom. SERIOUSLY. That's one thing that's dramatically and completely different from when I was childless. I had LOADS of time to kill. I was bored all the time. I wasted loads of time just doing nothing. Now I'm NEVER bored. Every moment it seems like I'm doing something for some reason for someone. It's just busy, busy, busy. I can only imagine how busy it must be having multiple children. I only have one.
The point is, this "busy business," has really encouraged my engine to just be ON very frequently...when energy is always flowing, it's easy to get things done. You just do them, because you don't have time to think about it. This constant flow goes into all things, and creatively, I'm focusing on writing stories. But because I am so new at time management to this degree as a mom, I'm having to learn as I go how to STREAMLINE my life, and make it so refined and in sync that everything just HAPPENS. You get there. I can feel myself getting there. All I know is that motherhood is making me BETTER. I FEEL it.
And I have to be BETTER to write my novel. I'll be honest...it's a clusterfuck. Dear God. I am not sure what to do with it anymore. In fact I am 90% sure I need to start allowing other people to read my work. Because if I don't get some feedback, I may go insaner.
Especially because lately, the ideas are just flowing in. And I seriously don't know what to do with them all. So I just write down the ideas, so that they don't disappear altogether. I know I need to get organized. And that's another thing that being a mom is helpful with. If you strive for balance, everything gets organized. But the balance needs to be there, and that's what I'm working on recently. I want everything to be in sync, in harmony.
I'm a chaotic person. It's just how I am. But it doesn't really bother me, to be honest. Not if I am doing everything I'm supposed to do to make my soul happy. And when mom's happy, everyone in the family tends to be happy. That's what I'm getting at...it's important for me to do all the things that make me happy, AND be a badass mother to my precious son. And if I get that all in sync and in the flow of it all...I'll be psyched.
You just keep flowing, just keep busy.
I think I will only get better and better at it. Every experience I've had thus far has been a teacher. And believe it or not, being a good mother is fantastic practice for novel-writing. The two inter-relate in a few very key areas: particularly patience, and persistence. The thing is, I am studying what it's like to be a mother in detail, at the moment. I've discovered what it takes to be a good one, or at least, am in the process of discovering. This information is creative, and can be translated into other activities for a better reading at how to be the best in whatever field one chooses. I am studying every moment of my day, and every experience I have gets filtered through the "novel-writing lens."
I am just going to be flowing with it and giving it all up to God. I think that's the key to doing great at anything: just giving it all up to God. Like, "whatever," I don't own it, it's not mine...it's just coming through me to splat on the page. You truly start to understand that you are just a vessel. And I'm learning how there is NEVER EVER a spare moment when you're a mom. SERIOUSLY. That's one thing that's dramatically and completely different from when I was childless. I had LOADS of time to kill. I was bored all the time. I wasted loads of time just doing nothing. Now I'm NEVER bored. Every moment it seems like I'm doing something for some reason for someone. It's just busy, busy, busy. I can only imagine how busy it must be having multiple children. I only have one.
The point is, this "busy business," has really encouraged my engine to just be ON very frequently...when energy is always flowing, it's easy to get things done. You just do them, because you don't have time to think about it. This constant flow goes into all things, and creatively, I'm focusing on writing stories. But because I am so new at time management to this degree as a mom, I'm having to learn as I go how to STREAMLINE my life, and make it so refined and in sync that everything just HAPPENS. You get there. I can feel myself getting there. All I know is that motherhood is making me BETTER. I FEEL it.
And I have to be BETTER to write my novel. I'll be honest...it's a clusterfuck. Dear God. I am not sure what to do with it anymore. In fact I am 90% sure I need to start allowing other people to read my work. Because if I don't get some feedback, I may go insaner.
Especially because lately, the ideas are just flowing in. And I seriously don't know what to do with them all. So I just write down the ideas, so that they don't disappear altogether. I know I need to get organized. And that's another thing that being a mom is helpful with. If you strive for balance, everything gets organized. But the balance needs to be there, and that's what I'm working on recently. I want everything to be in sync, in harmony.
I'm a chaotic person. It's just how I am. But it doesn't really bother me, to be honest. Not if I am doing everything I'm supposed to do to make my soul happy. And when mom's happy, everyone in the family tends to be happy. That's what I'm getting at...it's important for me to do all the things that make me happy, AND be a badass mother to my precious son. And if I get that all in sync and in the flow of it all...I'll be psyched.
You just keep flowing, just keep busy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Activation Time
My best activations are always sudden.
That's good to remember.
it's SO GOOD to know that I can make spontaneous decisions...and have it be ok.
I have always been told my whole life that I have to have a plan...an agenda.
I'm just now realizing THIS IS NOT TRUE.
I can really just make decision to decision, spontaneously, impulsively, and have it all be okay.
I DON'T HAVE TO know how it will work out...I will just have faith that it will.
That's good to remember.
it's SO GOOD to know that I can make spontaneous decisions...and have it be ok.
I have always been told my whole life that I have to have a plan...an agenda.
I'm just now realizing THIS IS NOT TRUE.
I can really just make decision to decision, spontaneously, impulsively, and have it all be okay.
I DON'T HAVE TO know how it will work out...I will just have faith that it will.
Monday, July 23, 2012
First Time to the Volcano
I visited Volcanoes National Park yesterday and it pretty much blew my mind, and then some.
I don't know exactly what happened, but I got very far out.
That place is energetic as frak. SERIOUS elementals there who mess with mortals.
I got so ungrounded. I'm trying to recover. I immediately felt something different take place at the park, wandering through the lake of lava in one of the volcano craters. I had the baby strapped to me while I climbed through the crater. It was so intense, being there with the baby, sharing that experience with him. I felt the force of PELE or something like it, something extremely DENSE energetically. You will KNOW if you go to the volcano what I am talking about; it's positively eerie.
Since I've left the volcano I've felt very out of it. In some other plane of reality where I feel everything like it is piercing open my heart, and I'm like a child. I feel like the volcano has purified me in some way. Maybe my kundalini is going crazy. There's some sort of primordial spirit mass inhabiting the volcano. I think it is a "dragon." Well, clearly you don't go in the volcano unguarded psychically. There are POWERFUL creative/destructive forces at work. And what a land of ENCHANTMENT! The lush volcano rainforest is unbelievably skilled at beguiling wayward travelers.
Lost in the forest = lost in your mind.
Having now gone insane, I am a much better mother. Hiking with my baby through the volcano is something I will do with regularity. Nothing like being adventurous to stick me back into experiencing my kaleidoscopic wheel of archetypes. It's slightly unhinged, but I believe in time I will come to see the volcano as a true friend and teacher. There is something playing out there...something ancient and massive. The boiling energy is all around and it's almost impossible to fathom. The WELLSPRING of creation bubbling all around.
I don't know exactly what happened, but I got very far out.
That place is energetic as frak. SERIOUS elementals there who mess with mortals.
I got so ungrounded. I'm trying to recover. I immediately felt something different take place at the park, wandering through the lake of lava in one of the volcano craters. I had the baby strapped to me while I climbed through the crater. It was so intense, being there with the baby, sharing that experience with him. I felt the force of PELE or something like it, something extremely DENSE energetically. You will KNOW if you go to the volcano what I am talking about; it's positively eerie.
Since I've left the volcano I've felt very out of it. In some other plane of reality where I feel everything like it is piercing open my heart, and I'm like a child. I feel like the volcano has purified me in some way. Maybe my kundalini is going crazy. There's some sort of primordial spirit mass inhabiting the volcano. I think it is a "dragon." Well, clearly you don't go in the volcano unguarded psychically. There are POWERFUL creative/destructive forces at work. And what a land of ENCHANTMENT! The lush volcano rainforest is unbelievably skilled at beguiling wayward travelers.
Lost in the forest = lost in your mind.
Having now gone insane, I am a much better mother. Hiking with my baby through the volcano is something I will do with regularity. Nothing like being adventurous to stick me back into experiencing my kaleidoscopic wheel of archetypes. It's slightly unhinged, but I believe in time I will come to see the volcano as a true friend and teacher. There is something playing out there...something ancient and massive. The boiling energy is all around and it's almost impossible to fathom. The WELLSPRING of creation bubbling all around.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Random Thoughts
Within my neurosis, there is structure.
Within the dysfunction, there is function. An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp. To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos. But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away. It's Destiny. And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life. It all seems crazy and insane. But it's not. There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.
This is who I am. Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic. I am "unexpected," in other words. What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?
I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again. What a beautiful name. He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi. I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters. Really. I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead. I believe he is a guru of some sort for me. I "gell" with him. I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him. You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him. And I totally dig it. Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood. This Yogananda guy was such a loving man. It's almost inconceivable. He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses. I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again. Or another book of his.
Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult. Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family. You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself. The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland. I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time. But sometimes, it pops up. And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.
My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left. I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone. Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before. Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me. I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year. Last year I got terrible island fever. But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet. Guess I will do the same this year. Stay in my Hawaiian bubble. Feed off the vortex of the island.
To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now. I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back. How "different" it is there. I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight. It doesn't really feel that long. But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy.
IF you can handle it.
Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head. There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse.
I'm learning just to flow with it.
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."
Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true. I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE. This is a long process of trial and error. But I guess in the end, it works. The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time.
The Earth is one singular entity. The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be.
Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food. It seems like a good idea.
Within the dysfunction, there is function. An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp. To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos. But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away. It's Destiny. And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life. It all seems crazy and insane. But it's not. There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.
This is who I am. Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic. I am "unexpected," in other words. What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?
I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again. What a beautiful name. He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi. I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters. Really. I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead. I believe he is a guru of some sort for me. I "gell" with him. I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him. You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him. And I totally dig it. Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood. This Yogananda guy was such a loving man. It's almost inconceivable. He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses. I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again. Or another book of his.
Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult. Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family. You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself. The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland. I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time. But sometimes, it pops up. And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.
My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left. I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone. Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before. Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me. I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year. Last year I got terrible island fever. But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet. Guess I will do the same this year. Stay in my Hawaiian bubble. Feed off the vortex of the island.
To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now. I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back. How "different" it is there. I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight. It doesn't really feel that long. But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy.
IF you can handle it.
Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head. There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse.
I'm learning just to flow with it.
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."
Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true. I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE. This is a long process of trial and error. But I guess in the end, it works. The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time.
The Earth is one singular entity. The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be.
Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food. It seems like a good idea.
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