Random Thoughts

Within my neurosis, there is structure.

Within the dysfunction, there is function.  An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp.  To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos.  But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away.   It's Destiny.   And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life.  It all seems crazy and insane.  But it's not.  There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.

This is who I am.  Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic.  I am "unexpected," in other words.   What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?

I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again.  What a beautiful name.  He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi.   I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters.  Really.  I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead.  I believe he is a guru of some sort for me.  I "gell" with him.  I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him.  You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him.  And I totally dig it.   Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood.  This Yogananda guy was such a loving man.  It's almost inconceivable.  He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses.  I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again.  Or another book of his.

Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult.  Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family.  You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself.  The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland.   I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time.  But sometimes, it pops up.  And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.

My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left.  I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone.  Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before.  Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me.  I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year.  Last year I got terrible island fever.  But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet.  Guess I will do the same this year.  Stay in my Hawaiian bubble.   Feed off the vortex of the island. 

To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now.  I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back.  How "different" it is there.  I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight.  It doesn't really feel that long.  But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy. 

IF you can handle it.  

Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head.  There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse. 

I'm learning just to flow with it.  
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."

Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true.  I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE.  This is a long process of trial and error.  But I guess in the end, it works.   The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time. 

The Earth is one singular entity.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be. 

Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food.  It seems like a good idea.