Update on the Life:

Super ramble:

I got pregnant during my RYT with Buti Yoga....it was crazy, and I totally freaked out the last weekend. I did awesome on my demos, but failed the musculature system portion of the test. At the time, I was also living at a CAMPSITE in Massachusetts with my 3 year old, 1 year old, a few months after moving from Hawaii to Maine, and then Maine to Masschusetts!! Damn, I guess something had to give. I didn't do any more Buti after that, what with the morning sickness and basically preoccupied with traveling and moving. I was even in Texas for a month and a half! I think we're in our more permanent home now, though, in western Washington. Anyway, I miss Buti Yoga - at first I was missing the movements, and the surrender, but now I am missing the fucking badass female empowerment that I felt. I feel like pregnancy has a tendency to take me down a few pegs and challenge my self-image to the extreme - I become vulnerable. But in that vulnerability, I see strength too...the strength to get through. The strength to let go. In my reflections, I find myself thinking A LOT about the Ring of Fire that you go through with birth...you literally have to go through it, as though into it, whole-heartedly, so that your baby can come out. That moment is so extreme. All of life strains to deliver life. I haven't forgotten how extreme it felt...that Ring of Fire, that opening, that yearning to push a human life into the world. The wild frantic pain of it...crazy crazy crazy pain. Everything stops as the Ring approaches. You can't avoid it anymore. You have to go through the pain, into the fire...into the churning heat of a primordial soup. The lava of human existence, gushing through your veins, drowning you in agony, in search of release, the burning, burning, burning. You're dissolved in the desperate fire of a raging portal to the Life Beyond, and you know you probably won't ever come back the same. .

I remember giving birth, and I think about it...and it helps prepare me. I am entering the stage of pregnancy where you start to feel a bit more isolated. I'm turning to a spiritual practice of ritual to help me through. There is strength in being vulnerable, in releasing yourself, to keep focusing on that release...in daily behavior and practice. I can keep evolving and keep changing to honor the needs of my soul. It's been a wild year. In fact the past 2 years, starting with Seraphina's birth, have been a series of RAPID changes in our lives. But I think we have flowed with it all pretty well, all things considered. And we've learned A LOT along the way...

Change.

I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

It's a Rainy Day

I have no idea if it's because of where I live (in Hawaii, with no family and like 1-2 friends total, who I rarely see), or just because it's the way motherhood is...but raising children mostly on my own is probably one of the most lonely and isolating things I've ever done. 

That's the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, for me.  Again, I don't know if it's because I live in Hawaii that makes it this way, or if it would be different if I lived on the mainland.  On the mainland there are way more mom's groups I could join, especially if I lived near a larger city.  I could make more connections.  More reasons to leave the house everyday. 

I really struggle with connecting with people here on the island.  Or if I do connect, they leave and move away next week or something.  Many times I've made "playdates" with moms only to have them cancel on me, or blow me off.  There isn't much consistency. 

I'm a social being...my kids are not to the age where we can have a long chat about life...I try, I really aim every day to have insightful conversations with my children (even if they can't respond, as in Seraphina's case), and I even calmly explain exactly where I am in life, but Caspian just looks a bit confused and says, "What are you talking about, mama?" Haha.  They're so little.  And I cherish it...I don't want it to end...and yet I'm so lonely for more grown up companionship. 

Each cihldhood stage has its rewards, I guess. 

Because I am the main adult that they interact with day in, and day out, it's very important that I have my shit together.  So I have to be ON and strong and positive for them, a LEADER.  That's what a good mother is.  A leader for her children.  And I am getting better and better at it.   I just didn't realize that being in this role for years on end and being the main one these little beings look up to would involve such penetrating loneliness.  

I LOVE being home with my children.  But I also feel lonely and isolated like never before and don't know if it's normal or not, if it's because that's what motherhood IS, or if it's because I don't have any local support and am raising these kids mostly by myself. 

Island feverish

Sometimes I feel as though I am going a bit crazy out here in Hawaii.  I mean I am on an island in the middle of the Pacific, and the biggest "town" on this island is just 40,000 people.  And I've been here for years at this point.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a Nature Girl but I absolutely crave city life at times also.  And a town of 40k, most of those people not even living here long term...there's just nothing going on.  I'm just feeling so isolated all the time.  I've made some very great friends out here on the island, most of which have moved away.  It's just hard to live here long-term.  It just is.   People on the mainland who have never experienced island life act like I am crazy for wanting to leave here too.  But COME ON...the biggest thing I have to look forward to out here is going to the beach.  I've been to the beach...many many times.   I'm just like...ready for more.  I like having "events" to look forward to.  It helps keep me motivated in life.  It's easy to not feel motivated to "do" much out here.  I guess that's the laid-back-ness of the Hawaiian lifestyle for you.  But it's kind of driving me batty...

I was even fantasizing about New York City the other day, how it seems so stimulating and alive, so busy and energetic.  That sounds awesome to me right now.   I'm a bit of an 'experience junkie,' in that I need constant new experiences to feel satisfied.  Even as a mom I'm the same way.  I want constant new experiences for my kids too.  I want to take them to renaissance festivals and music festivals and museums and stuff like that.   I want to do a road trip with them, and I don't want it to go in a circle.  you know...just stuff I can't do here.  I want them to have consistent, long-term friends and more social stability then we currently have on the island...

I don't know.  Some nights I really friggen struggle with bad lonely and isolated feelings.  Especially since I've become a mom for the second time, these feelings of loneliness feel so extreme....

It makes me wonder if I should join FB again...to give myself the illusion of sociability that everyone else in the world subscribes to.  It's fake though.  I figured that one out.  There is nothing social about being on your computer staring into a screen.  Sorry.  I don't buy it.  Just because people can read your words and reply to them via the internet, does not make it a social experience by any stretch of the imagination.  Because you are still alone, staring into your computer screen. 

The More the Merrier.

I'll just come out and say it:  I want a big family.  I was the oldest of five, and it feels natural to want the same.  My mom and dad parented in a much different way then I do, and we had some rough times as I was growing up (I really started clashing with my family when I was a teenager) but overall, now that I'm an adult and a parent myself I really think it's cool I have so many siblings and I appreciate the fact that my mom gave me so many.  I love how in a big family there is ALWAYS something going on!  There is NEVER a dull moment and that's what I love about it.  There is always loads of energy and excitement in a larger family.   I sort of miss that.  And god forbid, when my parents pass on, it will be great to have my brothers around still. 

I absolutely love my two children and feel SO blessed.  But I can't help but feel like there are "people missing" or something...when we're all chilling out in the living room together it doesn't feel "crazy enough," like there are important energetic components missing, like there are supposed to be more people.  And sometimes I "sense" the energy of these unborn beings circulating around and I feel that more babies want to be born into our family.

Sometimes I don't know if it will be a good idea to keep having kids...Seraphina's pregnancy was HARD.  But now that she's here, I understand that I don't have to love or enjoy pregnancy to go through it and make a beautiful child...the part that I LOVE, is the labor part, and the baby part, and the raising the child part.  I feel this strong strong urge to keep having children, keep making babies, as long as I can, as fast as I can.  It could be instinct, it could be biology.  But I know I'm a good mom and I feel like I would love to be blessed with more children.  As long as I feel like I could adequately provide for their needs and care for them the way they deserve.

I asked Caspian if he wanted me to have more babies and he looked at me with bright wide eyes and said an enthusiastic, "YEAH!"  He just loves them.   He adores his sister more then I ever thought he would and is such a great older brother.  His astrology is Pisces sun, Aries moon and Cancer rising...I feel like he is formulated well by the stars to enjoy being the oldest of a big family. 

Sure sometimes there are hard days as a mom.  But you know what I figured out?  You  have hard days as a mom whether you have one child, or two children, or five children!  Being a mom in general, regardless of family size, is just HARD sometimes.  But that's definitely not deterring me from considering several more children.  The joy and the satisfaction outweigh all of that.  I would love to have six kids total...I think that would be just perfect. (Eros says four is his max...we'll see...haha)  Obviously I got a late start compared to a lot of women.  I had my first child at 29, second child at 31.    I originally thought I didn't want to have any more babies beyond age 35, but I think I'd like to spend my 30's having kids.  It feels like now is the time for that sort of thing.

Also we are a family who is obsessed with living sustainably and in harmony with the Earth.  So we have wondered if having more kids would be a drain on the environment.  But I don't think it will be as long as we keep focusing on a sustainable lifestyle...the house we are planning to build will be on solar power, well water, and we will do our best on growing and procuring our own food.  Our dream is to have a farm with fruit trees, vegetable gardens, root cellars, goats and chickens.   We feel the allure of living a simple lifestyle living off the land and our own resources, using natural materials in building and recycling everything we can to spare the planet.  I feel like this sort of lifestyle accommodates a large family well. 

In my 20's, pre-motherhood, when I was enjoying the perks of being self-serving, free and partying, taking LSD and other psychedelics on a regular basis and smoking loads of weed, I never in my WILDEST dreams thought I would one day desire to have a large family.  I thought for SURE I would never have kids.  I didn't want them, had no drive for any kids at all.  I never wanted to be a mom in the slightest.  Until I came to Hawaii and I met a lot of beautiful, goddess-like mothers who nonetheless were still themselves.  It was inspiring to me.  Moms who were exotic dancers, moms who were spiritualists engaging in ceremony, moms who hula hooped with rings of fire.  I realized that life didn't stop when you became a mom.  I started to recognize that for a lot of women, that's when life actually began...

Understanding that I didn't have to be a "conventional mother" to be a good mom, was a world-moving realization for me.  I could still be my weird, quirky, and often wild self, and ALSO be a good mom.  I didn't have to "lose myself" to be a mom...I instead could FIND myself as a mother. 

The Big Island of Hawaii worked its magic upon me and my partner...we suddenly felt like we would try to have a baby.  It felt like it was "time."  I spoke my intentions at a Goddess Women's Circle one night at Cinderland ecovillage.  In witness of my spiritual sisters, I articulated that I had found a heart-desire to be a mom.  The next month I was pregnant! 

When Caspian was born, it was like lightning struck me.  It was like ALL MY LIFE I'd been searching for this experience, but not knowing it's what I wanted and needed to feel complete.  Once my son arrived, I just loved motherhood, I loved the sense of purpose it gave me, and I loved how I always had something to do.   I loved loving my son, more love then I ever dreamed of.  And I started to want more children when he was around 9 months old.  Due o some health issues, it took more then a year to conceive our next baby...our darling Seraphina.  She was so worth the wait for me to get healthy first.  I am just in awe with love and gratitude for her. 

My health issues are resolved and I am probably healthier now, nutritionally speaking, then I've been in years.   After Seraphina was born and I held her in my arms, that's when I knew, in my bones, in my uterus, in my cells:  "I want way way more of these."   This time around I started feeling broody almost immediately after the baby left my body.  I don't know why, but it is a physical yearning to keep building my family.  I want Caspian and Seraphina to be close in age with their unborn siblings.  With my health being so good now and with me feeling so on top of everything, I really don't want to wait long to start trying again for #3. 

I want to give my children the lifelong connections and wild excitement of a big family, like I had.  

So we'll see what happens.  I would be pregnant again already if I had my way, but Seraphina needs to grow more first.  She's so new still!  I know people might think I'm crazy to desire pregnancy again with a newborn!   But it is what it is and I am who I am, and I feel like I am suited to having little ones close in age.   I feel like I understand sacrifice, and the temporary nature of these precious early years.  I feel like I have developed enough patience and tolerance to enjoy having more little ones running around.    But I know I can't get pregnant again just yet.  Pregnancy hormones can take your milk supply away and I don't want to do that to my little baby.   But as soon as I feel like she's ready (probably when she starts eating solid food) I think we'll revisit the idea of #3...

In the meantime I'll keep giving endless thanks and gratitude for these precious blessings.  <3 

Remembering Fall.

 Internally, my cells KNOW the air is supposed to be getting colder and crisper, and that the scenery should be changing all around me, exploding with an array of reds, oranges and yellows.  This seasonal change celebrates the harvest and the thinning of the boundaries between worlds.  It's my favorite season...or it used to be. 

Fall is the time when my internal clock gets the most confused.  We don't get that "fall feeling" here.  There are no changing seasons here.  Instead in Hawaii, it's warm and sunny outside like always, with palm trees and banana leaves.  In fact, if not for calenders and clocks, you would never notice the passage of time here.  The weather always seems the same, static, unchanging.  This used to be desirable, now it feels strange.  When my body is expecting a darkening and a changing of energy, the colors of a world going to sleep, there isn't any of that...it's just bright and hot and the same like it always is.  It throws me off, every single year.  I miss autumn the MOST out of any season on the island.  I can't believe the whole rest of the country is experiencing this shift and I'm not.  It's really difficult not to have the cycles of the seasons in my life.  It makes me feel like I'm being left behind. 

This year, I am pining for fall like never before.  I feel like my head and my body instinctively seeks and desires that seasonal shift, but it's just not happening.  It makes me feel quite disoriented. I still haven't acclimated to life on a tropical island. 

I miss this:

Raising a family far away from family...

It's not easy, by any means.  It's exceptionally lonely-feeling, pretty much constantly, at least for me.  Sure I have friends...even friends that can fulfill certain familial roles.  But it's just not the same.  It feels very unnatural to raise a family far far away from people who are and feel like family.  Even having lived in Hawaii on the Big Island almost 4 years, it's hard on me.  This is a very transient place, so I've had dozens of close friends (even ones who I thought would settle down here) move away, scatter, across the globe.  Very few people stay here longer then a year.  Confession: I don't entirely feel at home here either.

I'm having a very lonely night here in paradise.   

Today I feel like SUPER WOMAN.

 I STILL BELIEVE.  I feel on top of the world right now.  Like I'm getting a grip and accomplishing things!! 

I feel like we're FINALLY as a family getting used to life with a baby!

Caspian is doing great...and so am I.  I really feel like I'm on top of things at the moment...and am figuring out a new sense of balance.

I've poured a ton of energy into my son the past few weeks in an effort to help him see how much I love him despite the new addition...

And it is PAYING OFF!  He and I went to Rainbow Falls the other day together, just he and I!  I fed the baby really well before we left, and made sure she was taking a good nap, and then left her with daddy for two hours so I could spend time with my son.  It felt incredibly unnatural, but as soon as Caspian and I got out together I realized how GOOD it felt to do something with someone who could walk and run and climb and explore...haha.

Rainbow Falls...

There's a beautiful woodland next to the Falls...and when I walked in the forest grove, it felt like I was entering a sanctuary.  There is an ancient Banyan tree there...and when I saw it I felt a hush in my heart and soul.  It was like going to church...these pics do not do that place justice.   It was hallowed ground.

It was an amazing experience I shared with my son.  I can already tell he is going to be my hiking buddy.  He just loves to spend time in nature exploring.

Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together, every chance we get...

Of course I am still mama to his very little baby sister too!  When we're at home, every time the baby goes down for a nap it's "Caspian Time..." and we wrestle and lay on each other and cuddle and it's just AWESOME!!   We are really coming together as a family now, it feels like...and he is starting to feel confident in the situation. 

Today I heard, "I love you mama," over and over again...

Our family is coming together.  Seraphina is a month old now!

I have noticed a change happening inside of me...I am being FORGED into a truly formidable woman.  There is something about being a mother that just makes you TOUGHER.  Stronger.  More resilient.   I think you get more of this the more time you spend around babies and children.  

I'm functioning pretty well.  I MAKE SURE to do 2 miles on the treadmill every single night, at a fast paced walk and incline.  I'm only one month post partum, so I wish I could do much more, but I'm taking my time.

And I've started writing again.  That's double plus good.  I have my mind back and it's sharp, despite the sleep deprivation...

Everything is coming together.

I'm one determined mama.

I AM THE PERSON I'M MEANT TO BE.

I BELIEVE IN ME. 

First Time to the Volcano

I visited Volcanoes National Park yesterday and it pretty much blew my mind, and then some.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I got very far out.

That place is energetic as frak.  SERIOUS elementals there who mess with mortals.

I got so ungrounded.  I'm trying to recover.  I immediately felt something different take place at the park, wandering through the lake of lava in one of the volcano craters.  I had the baby strapped to me while I climbed through the crater.  It was so intense, being there with the baby, sharing that experience with him.   I felt the force of PELE or something like it, something extremely DENSE energetically.  You will KNOW if you go to the volcano what I am talking about; it's positively eerie.

Since I've left the volcano I've felt very out of it.   In some other plane of reality where I feel everything like it is piercing open my heart, and I'm like a child.  I feel like the volcano has purified me in some way.  Maybe my kundalini is going crazy.   There's some sort of primordial spirit mass inhabiting the volcano.  I think it is a "dragon."   Well, clearly you don't go in the volcano unguarded psychically.    There are POWERFUL creative/destructive forces at work.  And what a land of ENCHANTMENT!  The lush volcano rainforest is unbelievably skilled at beguiling wayward travelers. 

Lost in the forest = lost in your mind.

Having now gone insane, I am a much better mother.  Hiking with my baby through the volcano is something I will do with regularity.  Nothing like being adventurous to stick me back into experiencing my kaleidoscopic wheel of archetypes.  It's slightly unhinged, but I believe in time I will come to see the volcano as a true friend and teacher.   There is something playing out there...something ancient and massive.   The boiling energy is all around and it's almost impossible to fathom.   The WELLSPRING of creation bubbling all around.  

Random Thoughts

Within my neurosis, there is structure.

Within the dysfunction, there is function.  An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp.  To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos.  But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away.   It's Destiny.   And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life.  It all seems crazy and insane.  But it's not.  There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.

This is who I am.  Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic.  I am "unexpected," in other words.   What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?

I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again.  What a beautiful name.  He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi.   I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters.  Really.  I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead.  I believe he is a guru of some sort for me.  I "gell" with him.  I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him.  You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him.  And I totally dig it.   Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood.  This Yogananda guy was such a loving man.  It's almost inconceivable.  He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses.  I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again.  Or another book of his.

Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult.  Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family.  You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself.  The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland.   I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time.  But sometimes, it pops up.  And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.

My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left.  I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone.  Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before.  Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me.  I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year.  Last year I got terrible island fever.  But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet.  Guess I will do the same this year.  Stay in my Hawaiian bubble.   Feed off the vortex of the island. 

To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now.  I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back.  How "different" it is there.  I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight.  It doesn't really feel that long.  But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy. 

IF you can handle it.  

Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head.  There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse. 

I'm learning just to flow with it.  
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."

Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true.  I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE.  This is a long process of trial and error.  But I guess in the end, it works.   The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time. 

The Earth is one singular entity.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be. 

Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food.  It seems like a good idea. 

Burned.

Here, there, everywhere.

My parents are on the Big Island and we have been exploring and traveling every single day.  Today we went over to the Kona side.  We hung out at one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen.  Hapuna Beach.   I am burnt to a crisp.  I swam in the turquoise ocean for over an hour body surfing and snorkeling while Elan slept in my mom's arms.  That was the most fun I've had since being a mom.  Eros and I had a lot of fun together in the water, while my mom held my baby and he slept peacefully.   It was so incredible...Eros and I haven't had any synchronized fun-togetherness time (well, besides sex) in a LONG time.  Usually one of us always has to be with the baby.  It was SURREAL to have so much fun with Eros in the surf.  My mom gave both of us a great gift by taking care of my son.

Sunburn is a serious reminder of where you were before.

Quite frankly, I feel like I "needed" a sunburn.  I wasn't EXPECTING to burn.  But I do remember thinking a slight sunburn would be nice.  It's TOO much though, quite frankly.  I am freaked out with how burned I got.  Oops.  And after I gave my parents a speech on the fierceness of the tropical sun.  I wish I had dark skin that handled the sun better.

Well, it's been ages since I got a bad burn so I'm not too concerned.  Plus I just felt like my skin "needed" a burn.  I don't know why, but it was a feeling I had.  Getting a sunburn is like getting laser surgery. 

But you can bet I learned a valuable lesson about respecting the sun.  I mean, WOW.  I wasn't even out there for THAT long.  Only about an hour and a half. 

Anyway, I had a GREAT day at the beach, so that's what my sunburn means to me: that I had GOOD times with my family.

I am still working on learning to Trust.  Trust what, you ask?  Well...anything and everything.  Not everything deserves trust, of course.  In fact the cynic in me believes you should never trust anything, or anyone.  But I dunno, my ability to function at a high level REQUIRES me to trust, and NOT TO WORRY.  But it's not easy, not at all.  I have all this anxiety built up into me. 

But it is CRITICAL that I relax and release my worries.  The house my parents are staying in right now on the island is a Buddhist retreat house on the ocean.  It's such a gorgeous property.  Anyway, there were pictures of Paramahansa Yogananda all throughout the house.  Including a book that he wrote, on facilitating healing through right action.  This man is such a master.  What do they call them?  Ascended Masters.  He is one...he seriously guides me everywhere all throughout my life...it's crazy.

In the book he wrote, he talked about going on worry fasts.  Where for just an hour at a time, 3 hours a day, you focus on not worrying at all, just being at peace.   What a trip, right?  A dedicated HOUR 3x a day where you concentrate on not worrying.  It's genius.  It just takes PRACTICE not to worry, right?  Dedication.  The decision not too.  After all, life won't be different or the same regardless of if you worry or not.  Worrying is meaningless.  But most of us are too afraid not to worry at all!  That's the irony.  We feel as if when we're worrying we're "keeping track" of everything.  But really we're just creating a mental pollutant, a distraction.  When we don't worry at all, we are just in the present moment, AT PEACE.

Why not practice not worrying throughout the day, 1 hour 3 times a day, morning lunch and dinner?  Maybe make it a ritual that before you eat you must do the worrying fast for an hour first.   It's BRILLIANT.

I'm so glad I discovered this technique because I DO NOT want Elan to get my fears and anxieties passed down to him.  Therefore I must give up worrying.

As a mother, I really have to TRUST in the Moment.  I don't know what I'm trusting in.  Just trust itself.  Just believing that everything will be ok.  That there is PEACE HERE every single Moment. 

Archetypal Dream

you have to be BRAVE in dancing with the archetypes.

And the SELF...is everything. Everywhere. There's no stopping it...it's ALL.

I'm getting so much ORGANIC influence for my novel in Hawaii. Basically, I'm just going to MAKE IT WORK. I don't have much time to dilly dally around with it anymore. That's just what I sense. If I want to maximize it's effectiveness, it needs to circulate. Now. It's so challenging to expose people to it though, in its infancy. Especially now that I am also caring for an infant. And quite frankly...I want to hide it away.

But it's time to just throw down and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever it ends up as, WHATEVER, as long as it ends up whole. That's truly the message I am getting now. WHOLE.

And you know where wholeness has to happen FIRST, right? Me. It has to start with me.

So I have to listen. I have to HEAR what the muses are telling me, truly hear them. This means listening to my sacral. My sacral responses moment to moment are important. I have to heed them. They will be my guide in this experience of COMPLETION. In each expressive flow, focus on the sacral will be maintained. We will try this out and see what happens.

And YOGA will be practiced. Much, much yoga. Freedom will also be practiced. Letting go...letting God.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?