Carry On.

Sometimes (often) it feels nearly impossible to find the words that adequately describe how I feel.  I get lost in the sensation of my emotions and forget to communicate.  This is almost always a fatal flaw.  But how to find the language to put a images to the internal state of my reality so that people can understand?  It's tricky.   I've been in a real growth process where things I "thought I was over and done with," are suddenly flooding out to sweep me away.   Like, WHOA, where the FRAK did that come from?  I thought I'd moved on.  I thought it was all over and done with, an open and shut case.  Not recently...that is.  Apparently some emotions I'd stuffed down about my past were resurfacing to haunt me.

The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it.   But I can't even do that.   So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices.  It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure.   So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.

Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough.   Sometimes it is.   Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it.   But you're never really "over it."  You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it.  But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.

And then what do you do?  You feel them.  You can't help but to feel them.  You wonder how you are going to function in life.   And then you just do.    You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live."   And you do.  You figure out what you need to do and you do it.   Because at a certain point, there's no choice.  It's a matter of soul-growth.   You can't just let yourself get dragged down.  Too many people are depending on you.   You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.  

Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down.   It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on.   That's the thing.  I can't just "freak out" anymore.   I have to keep it together.  For the whole family.   People are DEPENDING on me.

It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one.   Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure?  No, they won't.  Because I have trained for this my entire life.  These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on.   Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all.   So I'm holding it together, at the center.  It's the only thing I can do.  I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body.   I will come out stronger in the end.  I always do.

In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense.  There is always something to respond to.  So I am simply losing myself in the momentum.  Maybe that's been the secret all along.  Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability.   It's about time I figured it out.   I can't handle 'being me' sometimes.  So I'll just BE BUSY instead.

Random Thoughts

Within my neurosis, there is structure.

Within the dysfunction, there is function.  An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp.  To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos.  But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away.   It's Destiny.   And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life.  It all seems crazy and insane.  But it's not.  There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.

This is who I am.  Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic.  I am "unexpected," in other words.   What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?

I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again.  What a beautiful name.  He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi.   I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters.  Really.  I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead.  I believe he is a guru of some sort for me.  I "gell" with him.  I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him.  You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him.  And I totally dig it.   Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood.  This Yogananda guy was such a loving man.  It's almost inconceivable.  He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses.  I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again.  Or another book of his.

Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult.  Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family.  You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself.  The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland.   I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time.  But sometimes, it pops up.  And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.

My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left.  I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone.  Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before.  Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me.  I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year.  Last year I got terrible island fever.  But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet.  Guess I will do the same this year.  Stay in my Hawaiian bubble.   Feed off the vortex of the island. 

To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now.  I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back.  How "different" it is there.  I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight.  It doesn't really feel that long.  But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy. 

IF you can handle it.  

Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head.  There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse. 

I'm learning just to flow with it.  
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."

Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true.  I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE.  This is a long process of trial and error.  But I guess in the end, it works.   The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time. 

The Earth is one singular entity.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be. 

Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food.  It seems like a good idea.