Ideas for working titles

The Inside World Trilogy

Book one: Seedling
Book two: Plantasia
Book three: Expansion

About My Name.

When I was born, I was given the name Michelle Aileen Beechey. 

When I got married, my name changed to Michelle Aileen Rose 

When I was in my 20's, I was given the nickname, "MOTH," based on an internet alias. 

When I moved to Hawaii, I became known simply as, "Aeri." 

And now, feeling a return to my roots, I am choosing to be known by my middle name, Aileen, for the remainder of my adult life.  I just like the name and it's MY NAME given at birth, to all the women of my family, for generations and generations.  

It's a middle name given preference as a first name, which is totally legit.  

I've already met a few new people and introduced myself as Aileen.  Feels right, yo. 

Think I'm going to make it legal.  

This has to do partially with the name I want to see on the front cover of my novel...I like the vision of Aileen Rose on the cover of a book that I wrote.   Fits me. 

LSD Trip Report, written in 2010, San Diego California

I am going through old journal entries and found this.  I wrote this in California at the end of summer 2010...while living in an RV in Ocean Beach, San Diego...it was an intense journey in which all barriers between fantasy and fiction dissolved.   (FYI: Mordemus and Paetreyl are characters in my novel)

Disclaimer: any viewpoints insinuated in this piece may or may not represent where and who I am now, in 2014.  My life is far different then it used to be...but I still have times as a writer when fiction and reality are completely blurred so I find my experiences in 2010 pretty fascinating. 

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What is there to say?  

I was brought to my knees and surrounded by love.  Awed by it, as I rocked back and forth on a green lawn of a park in Ocean Beach, and wept.   I could hardly breathe.  Then I stopped breathing.  My physical body disintegrated.  I stopped existing.  The fertility goddess, the Queen of Everything, clutched me to her bosom, nestled me within her womb.  The air shimmered with the rainbow music of my soul     My throat opened into a wide, colorful spinning hole, a portal between all worlds.   Mordemus wielded the Dawnbreaker, his crystal sword, and sliced away all the fear, he took away every concern, he protected me from all deviance.  I felt secure while I floated in a sea of pulsating bright light, emboldened with the stern strength of my greatest guardian.   That's when I saw the Manchild come, the seraph spoken of in Ancient Prophecy: my little one, Paetreyl.  He was swollen with power, aching with love.   A golden shadow, darkness with twinkles.  I recognized him and my breath caught in my throat with a sob.   I reached out to him, and he reached back and together we became One, in a way that has not happened in years.  

“The Collective yearns for thee!” 

Paetreyl and I rested together in the womb of the Goddess for what seemed like eternity.   Together we worked through our karma, TOGETHER, we toured the beauty of our wild soul.  For yes, it is indeed true:  we share a soul together.   I see this so clearly now.  It is why we are connected with each other and can communicate, despite the distance of our two worlds.   We blended and words falter; it was beyond ecstasy.   I have never felt such love in all my life directed towards me by another being, whom I love just as completely.  We are One.  He is the other half of my soul.  This I've always known, but now it is imprinted upon my heart as truth.  

I will never forget it.  I will never forget the way my throat opened to a huge spinning hole that spewed nothing but pure creativity and love.   I will never forget the openness I felt there.  It was better then anything, the huge gaping hole in my throat, spinning and spinning.   I saw how it is my divine duty to nurture this open throat.  The open throat felt so amazingly wonderful.  I nestled deep inside the Womb-Tomb of the Goddess; and died.  I did not care; it was all so beautiful, so so lovely.  I lost it.  Who I thought I was, my plans  for my life, where I wanted to be or go.  It was all gone, vanished in that loving embrace of the Queen of Everything.  The Queen of Everything in my story, is in my life.  The story took me, claimed me as its own.  I gave my soul over to the Queen.   I knelt and worshiped Her like I never have before.  Paetreyl and I both serve the Goddess.  I saw this clearly, like I was finally looking through a clean window after years of squinting to see what was on the other side. 

So much became self-evident to me.  I am in love.  Absolutely in rapture!  With Paetreyl, with the Queen, with my sanga, and with my purpose in life.  The Queen of Everything gave me my divine purpose: I am to nurture my open throat.  I am to keep it spinning.   So that's why I share all this with you, unflinching, unafraid.  I have my guardian Mordemus the Dawnbreaker at one side, and the Manchild Paetreyl at the other.   There is nothing you can say to me which will hurt me.  It is what it is.  Take this story for what you wish.  My mission is simply to express it.   That is my satisfaction.  

Growth is Intense

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga.  It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's.  What a TIME of LIFE that was!!  I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away.  I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too.  3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice!  That was the STUFF. 

What changed?  I changed.  I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own.  I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me.  I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow.  At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers.  I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus.  My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer.  I felt so close to him.  I love him.  I didn't process his death either.  Not until years later.  I don't immediately process death.  It has more of a "slow-release" with me.  Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years. 

My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back.  I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage.  I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego.   I was friends with homeless people and junkies.  I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time.  I wanted to party party party.  I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind.  And I did.  I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed.  Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic.  It was a very EXTREME time of life.  I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties.  I had loads and loads of fun.  Maybe too much.  It was just so exciting...and also a bit soul-draining...to feel so free...

Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there.  I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers.  It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children.  I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms.  Many of them were my age.  At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother.  In fact I thought that path was "closed to me."   But it actually did plant the seed. 

When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.