Where does this lead to? Dream I had.

“Paetreyl, why are you running?” 

I panted, gazing frantically into the clearing, and my head jerking to take in the jungle around us.   “They're after me,” I whispered.  “Why do you keep chasing me?” 

Mordemus's face didn't move.  “You belong in the Citadel.” 

“No,” I said, shivering in the mud.  “I won't go.” 

A woman who wants it all...

I do.  I want a big family, and a big career as a writer.  Is it possible?  Can I pull it off?  And can I do it all at once?  Originally after having Seraphina, I thought I would put off pursuing publication for my writings until after I was "done" having kids.  But realistically speaking, who can really say they are DONE having kids, until they simply lack the ability to have them anymore?  I do love motherhood and being a mom, but I also know one of my life's purposes is to become a published novelist.  I've known this since I was a very small child and could hold a crayon.  I knew it all through elementary school when I wrote stories for fun during study time, and I knew it when my grandfather first let me experiment on a typewriter.  I knew it in high school and I knew it in my raging 20's, and I know it now, even though I spend most of my time reading story books to kids instead of writing...

But I HAVE been writing and working on things, in between my household responsibilities.  There is real progression happening.  I've heard of women having successful businesses or writing careers with 1-2 kids...2 kids doesn't seem that much different then 1, honestly, aside from just more work.  But I imagine the scale really starts to dip differently once you get to 3 or more children.  There is less time and energy to devote to oneself the more kids you have.  Between the daily routine of managing a household of children, plus housework, plus bodily maintenance, plus waking up all night to soothe restless kids, finding the time to write is tricky.  It's tricky with 2, and I imagine with 4+ as I'm desiring, it would be even more difficult to find time to put in novel time.  HOWEVER, there is opportunity in what I am envisioning also.  Children are creatively inspiring to me in a big way.  They drive me to work harder and faster then I would otherwise.  After all, if you only have 15-20 minutes here and there throughout the day to write or work on your novel, you better take that time, or ELSE it won't get done.  So it seems like there is a potential to be ruthlessly efficient and much more consistent of a writer, the less overall "time and energy" you have...

I'm looking at the bigger picture of life when I consider my ideal family size, and although it's not "up to me" really, how many kids I end up with, I know that my vision of the bigger picture includes a bigger family.   It's what feels "RIGHT" for me.  I don't want to sacrifice this vision for a writing career, but this dream of mine to get my novels out there is very important.  I need to accomplish what I was born to do. So all I can do until the "time is right" to expand my family OR seek publication, is WRITE.  That's all I can do.  To be a writer, you have to WRITE.  It's really very simple...and there are little pockets of time here and there to make it happen. Usually at naptimes or at night.  This is why I'm not really keen on going to bed before 12/1am (despite a 6am wakeup, or sometimes earlier)...I have too much STUFF TO DO.   I can sleep when I'm dead.  That's the friggen truth. Between having babies and staying up late to carve out time to write...I doubt I'll truly sleep for a few years at least.  But it's fine. 

LET THE MANIA CARRY ME ONWARDS.

I'm excited too, because I can SEE my work maturing.  The entire novel has been elevated and is aging like a fine wine.   My recent life experiences are just making me that much more on point with every word and with what I'm aiming to convey and the message I want to share.

So can I still have a large family and be a successful writer?  YES.  I don't think the two are mutually exclusive at all.  In fact I think the roles of being a stay at home mom to a bunch of kids and a science fiction novelist will start really complimenting and feeding the other once the kids are out of preschool age.  I think one role will actually continuously inspire and motivate the other.  I think I CAN do both at once...

And I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE.

There are more ways to get energy besides food, sleep and caffeine...SPIRIT can keep me going far past all physical boundaries.  Ruthless determination comprises the essence of my soul.

Bitches.   Watch it get done. 

So mote it be. 

Make it so. 

Be Ready.

Odd dreams last night.  Just bizarre lately.  I feel like "I am Paetreyl" when I'm in these dreams.   He goes through these really strange situations that make no sense...like a download of gibberish and the only thing I can truly experience is the FEELING and VIBRATION of the dream, like a revelation of ARCHETYPES..  Today it was sort of a chase dream, combined with 'apple of the garden of Eden' themes.  I really think I am getting downloads from Plantasia.  I feel so openminded lately in regards to my novel.  Like I'm getting a breakthrough, all this new information pouring in, brand new perspectives.   Even new VOICES.  I don't have much time to write anymore.  So it's basically been note-taking, as often as I have these realizations and innovations.  I just try to return myself to my notepad, over and over again.  I'm developing a habit of taking it everywhere with me, like it should be on my body at all times.  So I bought a spiral pad, put a rope through the top, and now I'm wearing it at all times, with a pencil attached.  It just feels important that I wear it, like a necklace.  That way it's right there for me to remember to write stuff down in. 

Anyway, Apple of Garden of Eden...as a dream theme, echoing back to my book, my novel.

I feel so serious about this.  I feel like I'm revving up. 

Sometimes I see them.  The shadows of beings in the dimension that is passing through ours right now.

Have you noticed how time has been acting so screwy lately?  I know it can't be just me.  Everything has accelerated.   We are experiencing a collision.  That means dreams seem more lifelike and real then ever, and reality is certainly more like a dream, a fantasy.   So while we're in the go-between, time is meaningless.  People get light, and aerated, and buoyant, or they get dark, brutal and heavy. 

Anyway, I hope everyone is ready.  Having control of your thoughts, and your consciousness, has become more important then ever.   The magic is learning you create your unique experience in life.

Archetypal Dream

you have to be BRAVE in dancing with the archetypes.

And the SELF...is everything. Everywhere. There's no stopping it...it's ALL.

I'm getting so much ORGANIC influence for my novel in Hawaii. Basically, I'm just going to MAKE IT WORK. I don't have much time to dilly dally around with it anymore. That's just what I sense. If I want to maximize it's effectiveness, it needs to circulate. Now. It's so challenging to expose people to it though, in its infancy. Especially now that I am also caring for an infant. And quite frankly...I want to hide it away.

But it's time to just throw down and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever it ends up as, WHATEVER, as long as it ends up whole. That's truly the message I am getting now. WHOLE.

And you know where wholeness has to happen FIRST, right? Me. It has to start with me.

So I have to listen. I have to HEAR what the muses are telling me, truly hear them. This means listening to my sacral. My sacral responses moment to moment are important. I have to heed them. They will be my guide in this experience of COMPLETION. In each expressive flow, focus on the sacral will be maintained. We will try this out and see what happens.

And YOGA will be practiced. Much, much yoga. Freedom will also be practiced. Letting go...letting God.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?