Update on the Life:

Super ramble:

I got pregnant during my RYT with Buti Yoga....it was crazy, and I totally freaked out the last weekend. I did awesome on my demos, but failed the musculature system portion of the test. At the time, I was also living at a CAMPSITE in Massachusetts with my 3 year old, 1 year old, a few months after moving from Hawaii to Maine, and then Maine to Masschusetts!! Damn, I guess something had to give. I didn't do any more Buti after that, what with the morning sickness and basically preoccupied with traveling and moving. I was even in Texas for a month and a half! I think we're in our more permanent home now, though, in western Washington. Anyway, I miss Buti Yoga - at first I was missing the movements, and the surrender, but now I am missing the fucking badass female empowerment that I felt. I feel like pregnancy has a tendency to take me down a few pegs and challenge my self-image to the extreme - I become vulnerable. But in that vulnerability, I see strength too...the strength to get through. The strength to let go. In my reflections, I find myself thinking A LOT about the Ring of Fire that you go through with birth...you literally have to go through it, as though into it, whole-heartedly, so that your baby can come out. That moment is so extreme. All of life strains to deliver life. I haven't forgotten how extreme it felt...that Ring of Fire, that opening, that yearning to push a human life into the world. The wild frantic pain of it...crazy crazy crazy pain. Everything stops as the Ring approaches. You can't avoid it anymore. You have to go through the pain, into the fire...into the churning heat of a primordial soup. The lava of human existence, gushing through your veins, drowning you in agony, in search of release, the burning, burning, burning. You're dissolved in the desperate fire of a raging portal to the Life Beyond, and you know you probably won't ever come back the same. .

I remember giving birth, and I think about it...and it helps prepare me. I am entering the stage of pregnancy where you start to feel a bit more isolated. I'm turning to a spiritual practice of ritual to help me through. There is strength in being vulnerable, in releasing yourself, to keep focusing on that release...in daily behavior and practice. I can keep evolving and keep changing to honor the needs of my soul. It's been a wild year. In fact the past 2 years, starting with Seraphina's birth, have been a series of RAPID changes in our lives. But I think we have flowed with it all pretty well, all things considered. And we've learned A LOT along the way...

JOY.

I find myself spontaneously breaking into BUTI yoga dancing throughout the day lately!!  It's SOOO awesome to feel so loose and mobile in my hips.  :-D  I have FORGOTTEN what it's like to feel dancing INSIDE translating to dancing OUTSIDE!  The last time I felt physically compelled to start dancing spontaneously was a long time ago!  My body wasn't ready...the more physically FIT I get, the more in shape I become, the more I just WANNA DANCE!!  And Buti yoga is giving the tools and freedom I need to move my body however I want.  It is SHEER JOY to feel such activation in my hips and sacral area! 

Ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you just all of a sudden started dancing, swiveling your hips around, spiraling your body, jumping up and down, kicking up your legs, spinning light with form?  Because if you haven't done any of that lately, you are MISSING OUT!! 

We only have one body in this lifetime!  Gotta MAKE THE MOST OF IT!! 

Delicious, scrumptious control.

Sometimes it hits me...I fucking live in Hawaii. 

I'm not sure what to do with this information today.  

Anyway, I've been an emotional wreck the past three days, and on Sunday, I decided to run 5 miles and did it in an hour.   It was the best run I've had in YEARS.   Of course I know other people could run 5 miles faster.  But for 3 months post partum...not so bad.  

So there's that.  

Hard to say what's going on with me.   But I feel so moody lately.   It could be because I've started my moon cycle again and I'm experiencing the usual hormonal ups and downs of a regular female cycle. 

I just feel like throwing myself into things.   I feel wild.   The running is really helping me work out some emotional issues.   It's the feeling like I just want to push myself physically to have a sense of control over my reality.   Running helps me feel in control. Point blank.   Because if I can run, I am conquering myself, and if I do that, then I can conquer the world...

Anyway.  I have a lot on my mind.  Not sure where it's all coming from.   But it makes me feel like working my body to the extreme to take care of it. Oh, endorphins.   Where would I be without you? 

CORE CENTRIC

Yoga yoga yoga yoga.  

I've been happy because yoga has taken a central place in my life again.   I did my first WHEEL in ages yesterday, and although my flexibility is still not there and I was afraid to push it, at least it was DONE, and now will only get better from HERE.   Back in the day I could throw up wheels anytime, anywhere...I KNOW I can get back to that.  

It's just an entertaining hobby to have when you're a mom...yoga is.  Because it's so liberating and freeing.  It makes you feel different things from the way you move your body.  I had a solid vinyasa flow yesterday and it was beautiful to feel how expansive my body could become.   I felt like I was soaring on the sky.  

Buti yoga is different then traditional yoga for sure.    It's a lot more punchy and dynamic.  You just feel yourself swirling around with the movements and doing things with your body that you didn't think you could do.   I literally thought some of the things that I'm doing in Buti were beyond me, but I'm doing them, and that's exciting.   It requires a willingness to keep going, as these are intense physical energetic exercises.   Of course, you can just go down into child's pose if you feel like you can't go on, but then get right back up. 

You do a lot of swirling of the abdominals and hips in this type of yoga...they call it "tribal" but really, I think they just call it that to mellow down what it actually does.  It awakens your kundalini, plain and simple, and liberates your lower chakras.   And I can't think of anyone in our sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually repressed world who doesn't need that.  I think I know MOST Generator-types need to free themselves from the GROUND up.   You get those hips and sacral released and start freeing yourself and you feel so much better.  I have been feeling lately that every time I do Buti I end up in a psi-dimensional state of being.  Like afterwards .  

My sacral REALLY likes Buti yoga.  I'm not sure why...and I'll still do traditional yoga.  But Buti yoga is pretty amazing.  I love the way that she integrates the Spiral into her workouts. 

More about Buti (news report)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xil7qcvH3wc


Anyway, I've got Buti classes in town for the next few nights...excited.  Doing Buti on my own is interesting but it is something else entirely to do it with other people.   You totally let go of self-consciousness and it can be very humbling, that's for sure.   You have to make yourself a bit vulnerable to do Buti, from my experience...but it's so worth it.  Because vulnerability can = strength. 

Run Like Mad.

Doing my thing.  Just going to run it out today.  

Oh god I love to work out lately.   It's more satisfying then I ever remember it being.  Perhaps because it's the one hour a day devoted just for me.   It feels relaxing somehow, like things are under control as long as I am exerting lots of energy a day, in a sweaty workout.  I'm way more able to handle stress when I work out.  It's ESSENTIAL for my mental peace as a mother.  

Starting to feel like I truly deserve things in life.   I feel like I can say, "I deserve a great body, to be happy, to have a beautiful family, to have a prosperous writing career."  I deserve all these things.  I am just going to keep thinking all of this.   I want to blossom and explode.   Every moment must be filled with the Dream.  

BUTI.

Okay so...I came across this fitness phenomenon called Buti Yoga.   My girlfriend on the island has been doing it and it has completely transformed her body.  She had 2 kids under 2 years (the youngest is a year old) and now she has a six pack and tight butt and the leanest legs I've ever seen.  Plus her arms look amazing, really muscular but thin.   I've really seen her body change a lot in a pretty short period of time. 

She showed me a video of what Buti is, and it was really appealing to me from the beginning but also like, "Whoa...that's slightly Scandelous."  As it involves a lot of hip circles and booty shaking.  

Well, I decided to see if it could work for me too. 

I have this to say:

The Kundalini Activation with Buti yoga is insane.  I can hardly remember another time that I've felt so revved.  It's like all the spiral and circular hip motions seem to unlock some incredible energy potential.   I feel way different with Buti in  my life, that's for sure.   I've been doing an hour of Buti and then 30 minutes of vinyasa flow almost every night.  (on the days I don't do Buti, I run)   Buti is really fun, I find myself enjoying the challenge of the body strength and energy that is needed to complete each exercise.  It's HARD WORK though.  It does require you to push yourself.  

As for the "sexual" vibe of the Buti work out, well, I'm not going to lie.  It's made me feel more sexy, as well as sexual.  In fact I'm having the best sex of my life since starting Buti.  You get your hips so free and loose with Buti that it feels like sex is just way better.  But I'm totally okay with this.

A sample Buti class, sped up:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4oT2tM06qo&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A


Another amazing Buti video...gets into what Buti is:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai7z5vuuCrQ&list=UUZ1IdH62KmIiu7AEZ1ftB2A&index=11

Yee-haw! Buzz buzz buzzzz

FEELING GREAT again!  I burned 700 calories on the treadmill yesterday afternoon and did some arm exercises.  I also feel great because I have REDONE my whole schedule! I have realized that it is WAY BETTER for me to work out during the day when Eros comes home from school, then it is at night.  

So after all day with the kids, I am SO READY to just have "me time" and do an intense work out when daddy comes home!  Eros is really supporting me with my fitness goals, so he has no problem giving me an hour or two in the afternoon when he comes home before dinner to work out.  :-)  Which is SO PERFECT!  It's really best to do my workout during the day.  Mornings won't work as I'm too out of it...exercising at 5:30am is not possible.  And by the time the kids are in bed I'm usually way too tired to move my body vigorously and if I do manage to, I stay up way way too late.  But late afternoon, before dinner?  Perfection. 

And THAT MEANS, I have the whole evening AFTER the kids go to bed for relaxing, writing and bathing, which is all I want to do at night anyway.  And THEN I'm able to get to bed at a "reasonable hour..." which is anywhere from 10pm - midnight, depending on how I'm feeling...

I'm SO SORE from exercising and it makes me soo happy.  I can't believe how uplifted and in control and calm I feel after a solid work out or yoga session it's amazing. 

Woot Woot

Successful Time Management Gets My Rocks Off

I completely kicked ass tonight in regards to being wise about my time and energy.  We had a family dinner first of beans, rice, avocado, salsa and lettuce, baths were on schedule for both kids, then story time for Caspian and nursing for Seraphina, then Caspian went to bed and then Seraphina went to bed.  Eros and I each put the kids to bed, then switch, so each kid gets time with both of us. I cleaned my kitchen, washed dishes, and tidied the house to prepare for a busy day tomorrow, took a moment to relax and did email correspondence and then hopped on the treadmill.   My foot is healed (huzzah!) so I ran and walked (2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking) for 45 minutes.  Then I went upstairs to my private room and did an hour of intense yoga.  Niice.  After that, I relaxed in the bath with a kombucha and grapes reading about the pagan sabbats and various family rituals.  Afterwards I took my vitamins and  NOW...I'm in bed.

I did work on my novel today during the children's naptime, but not much got done.  It's okay though.  I'm tightening up the evening routine that has formed so that I can make sure I give it the time and energy it needs to thrive.   The goal is each day to become even more efficient and productive with my time.

And now I must try and sleep.  The next week is gonna be intense, as Eros will be gone pretty much all day, every day.  Gone a lot more then usual. This mama needs to be ON and at the top of my game.

Finding my CORE again.

Well, this is exciting.

I've been doing yoga lately.  It's been excruciating because I'm so out of practice.  I seriously have to psych myself into doing it hours before it actually happens.  Everything has to be perfect.  My mat must be freshly clean and I must have a spacious quiet area to do it in.  Seraphina must be recently fed and content and Caspian sleeping soundly. 

So I've been getting back into practicing for just over two weeks now.  Off and on...I'd do it one night and then skip like 4 days, then do it again.  Always short sessions...no longer then 25 minutes, except for the one time I did it for an hour at a studio.  Today is my 3rd day in a row on my own to do yoga...and I'm thrilled to say that it's starting to feel GOOD now, and exciting, instead of just plain tiring.  I did about 60 minutes of yoga tonight and it was effective. 

Yoga is another one of those things that I do at night when the kids are sleeping.  I hurt my foot last week so running (though I did push through the pain a few times, just because I'm dumb like that) is out of the question.  But YOGA...wow.  YOGA is becoming more awesome by the day.  I'm starting to FEEL my body in a way I haven't truly felt it, in a long long time.  Tonight especially was the first time in ages I actually made METAPHYSICAL CONNECTION with my CORE.

After a recent baby, this is great news and very exciting.  It reminds me of how thrilling it is to feel capable, balanced and poised in a muscular and graceful yoga body. 

I love having something to work towards in a physical sense.  Your body is your most important fashion accessory.  I can wear pretty clothes and makeup, but if my body isn't being actively worked on, I just don't think I look good.  However, even a short workout or yoga session every day is enough to lift my spirits and make me feel at peace with how I look as a 31 year old mom of 2.

CONFESSION:  I feel like during Seraphina's pregnancy, I REALLY dropped the ball.  I was doing pretty good with exercise and diet until I had a bout of unexplained spotting (blood) at 21 weeks pregnant.  It brought back memories of miscarriage experiences in 2013.   Needless to say I became terrified and extremely anxiety ridden.  I started feeling really sick again and nauseous.  I was afraid to work out, really, and I had people telling me that I should just sit around and gestate and eat what I want, due to the spotting.

I REGRET TAKING THAT ADVICE EVERYDAY, in the post partum period.

YES, I was pushing my exercise too hard while pregnant.  100's of squats and lunges, plus weight lifting and biking, a day.  But just giving into fear and stopping all exercise completely (for the most part) was really really not a good idea.  I regret listening to all those people who also made me feel even more anxious.  I went from being reasonably fit to completely sedentary, pretty much overnight, thanks to the fear of the unknown spotting.  The reason for the spotting was never discovered.  It was a very hard time during my pregnancy.  Hindsight is: I should have at least kept up walking and yoga.  And for GODS SAKE I should have kept my standards for food really really high.  I really slacked off, especially in the third trimester.

Well, I'm about 2 months post partum and in SHOCK at what just a few months of not sticking to my exercise and diet standards while pregnant has done to my body.  I seriously wonder WTF happened.   Transparency: I started pregnancy at 130 pounds exactly, fit as a fiddle with a tight bod, and I'm 163 right now and pretty flabby.  I'm working HARD to get my body back...as hard as I can at 2 months post partum recovering from a sedentary time of life.

Anyway I've learned A LOT from that pregnancy experience. Notes for next time:  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you not to work out and instead says you should sit on your ass while pregnant.  You can at least walk and do some yoga.  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you to eat whatever you want while pregnant.   It is 5x harder to take the weight off later then it is to put it on...keep your food standards HIGH, even if you don't feel like it. 

The thing about my body is that I have European bloodlines.  I'm Scottish and Welsh and my body WANTS to be round, especially with the hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding.  I'm not a woman who shrinks and loses lots of weight due to breastfeeding.   I'm breastfeeding two kids right now, and it hasn't done crap for weightloss.  What HAS seemed to help is regular consistent and intense periods of exercise and a super duper clean and careful diet.  My entire adult life has been like this, even pre-pregnancy.  I'm not a girl who can eat whatever and be thin.  Nope.  If I want to be slim and fit, I have to WORK AT IT.  It takes a lot of discipline. I have to make clean and healthy eating and consistent exercise a daily priority, in order to achieve the results that I want.

I think it's like that for most people.  A great muscular and fit body won't just fall out of the sky.  You have to make time in your life for it. 

Anyway...YOGA has been nice to add into my workout routine.  I can feel my core activating, my hips loosening, and my entire body being restored to a sense of balance...

And because babies are still sleeping and I still have some time to myself tonight before I need to tidy up the house, I'm going to do some weight training.  :-D  Right now. 

"I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE." 

Seeing RED!!

I used red henna...

I think I love it.

After two kids, all "color" had been sucked right out of my hair.  I mean I used to be a pretty obvious blonde, but my hair was darkening like crazy (not exactly brown OR blonde, just dull) and the color looked so unappealing to me.  I thought about just dying my hair blonde but didn't want to use a chemical dye.  So I decided to go the henna route and I really like the result.  It's cool I can get such an interesting color of hair just by applying a plant paste to my tresses.  

I'm accepting this as my new hair. 

And yes, in that second picture my boob was hanging out as I recently stopped nursing Seraphina but I tried to avoid direct visual contact. 

AS FOR my dreads, yes, the sections are still in there...but they are curly because they're not locked yet at all.  They just want to be wild.  There is A LOT of knotted hair though, so it's just a matter of time.   It may be awhile before I have actual locked dreadlocks.  But from my research, all it takes is time and not brushing.  I love not brushing my hair...I feel so free.  I still wash it every few days though. 

Treadmills that can hold laptops = MAGICAL!!

OH it's wonderful!  My treadmill has a platform for a laptop and I've realized that I can write while doing my power walk every night.  This is THRILLING!  Do you know how much time I'm saving while being able to write while walking??  It's INCREDIBLE.  I'm actually writing this while working out on the treadmill right now and it's making me so happy.

Anything that saves time and helps me multitask is HEROICALLY COOL.

It's amazing how effective power walking is!!  Being able to go jump on the treadmill while my babies nap is SUPER SATISFYING!  It's the only way I'm getting any exercise right now.  Why not just go outside and walk a few miles in the hot tropical sun with two kids under the age of 3??  Well I think you just answered your own question!!

I just jump on the treadmill every night and it's something I've made sure to do EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE being able to sweat again!!  Slowly but surely working up my strength, power and stamina....

My treadmill is quickly becoming my happy place!

I love it in this SACRED SPACE.

The Ecstasy of Birth

 The last few weeks of my pregnancy felt brutal, as it often can be. I expected to go into labor early so waiting around for weeks for the inevitable was really challenging. I found myself cycling in and out of some very extreme moods and seeking lots of solitude. Since he was out of school, Eros was able to pretty much take over Caspian full time and I became more of a side-parent, which I found was something that made me feel sad and emotional. I was basically emotional about everything though. Nobody could say anything right to me and I was irritated with everyone I talked to, with life itself. I felt emotional about feeling emotional, and was becoming restless and anxious about labor the more that time went on. 

I started to withdrawal deeper and deeper into myself. Having rekindled my spiritual path, I claimed the upstairs guest room as my “cave” and started nesting in there. Nesting for me this time had less to do with physical cleaning and more to do with spiritual preparation and emotional centering. I made a beautiful altar upstairs in my Cave, and engaged in several hours-long ceremonies and meditation sessions. I prayed to the God and Goddess, the Source of All, the Great Spirit. I cast circles of protection, lit ritual candles, and burned dried flowers and frankincense resin incense over charcoal. I spread circles of salt and purified water around me. I took spiritual cleansing baths of salt and oil and smudged myself with sage regularly. I spoke to the Universe, to my heart, to my spirit, and cast my prayers and intentions for my life out into the world. Every time I did this I re-centered and was able to continue my pregnancy journey with a little less acrimony and a little more love.

Until the last two days...

I started having random contractions. They were like braxton hicks, but deeper. I started to become more and more irritable, tired and nauseous. It felt like I had the flu. Every time I isolated myself in my Cave though, I felt way better and more relaxed and calm. So I kept going back up there and spending a lot of time in there. I loved feeling isolated so I eventually even started sleeping alone in that room. Eventually I started noticing that every time I was in my Cave I would start to have these contractions and cramps, but every time I left and spent time with Eros and my family, they would disappear completely. I started to wonder what the problem was there. I spoke to a close friend about it who told me there was probably an energetic block and I would have to resolve it by doing a ceremony for both he and I.

With his school and my pregnancy and just the ins and outs of daily life, I realized Eros and I had grown disconnected over the last few weeks. And I knew that for labor to start, if baby is ready, there needed to be an oxytocin surge. So I did some research and decided to hold a ceremony and ritual for just Eros and I after Caspian went to sleep. I spent about two hours preparing for the ceremony in my Cave, setting up all my tools and incenses and music and massage and essential oils. I created a comfortable love nest surrounded by candlelight, with harmonic drumbeats playing softly in the background. What happened that night is personal and private, but most assuredly Eros and I engaged in a reunion of the soul, in the eyes of the Universe, the Source, God and Goddess. We changed our perspectives of one another. We became cosmic. I recognized he is God and he recognized me as Goddess...4 hours of meditation, luxurious massage and lovemaking later, rekindling our vows and re-committing to our purpose with each other, we finally went to sleep cuddled together as a family in bed with Caspian.

An hour later, I woke up with strong contractions.

I had been having a dream of children running around outside, when suddenly they turned into snakes which coiled up and around my abdomen, squeezing me until I was twisted up red hot from the core of my being. I kept trying to sleep through this but I couldn't. I woke up and realized I was not being squeezed by snakes, but that I was radiating pain from within. I knew immediately. These contractions were the real deal. They came from a place deep, deep inside, and meant business. I knew this was it. I tried to sleep through them for a bit but it became obvious there was no doing so. I texted Roxanne (midwife) and told her what was going on.

As the surges continued, I focused my mind on relaxing my body. I knew that's what I had to do. The contractions hurt a lot already, but what I did was allow them to wash over me, to GO INTO the pain and feel it entirely, abolishing ALL resistance.  With each contraction, I would consciously relax into it, go into it, and BECOME it.  I consciously would imagine myself sagging and becoming fluidic, and my cervix blossoming open.  I could actually physically release and relax my vagina muscles with each rush and contraction.  I did deep breathing and kept focusing on relaxation and looseness of body.

I tried to time them but soon found that timing them gave me anxiety, so I stopped. Everyone was still asleep so I went downstairs and made myself some soup. The surges kept coming. I started to feel a little funky emotional about the whole labor thing. My body seemed to feel likewise, as I suddenly got very cold and started shivering. Abruptly, I felt aimless and lost and a bit scared. So I warmed up a nice bath with some Clary Sage essential oil and got inside to labor for awhile. By that point people were starting to wake up, and I just needed to be alone. That warm bath was marvelous. OMG. That bath in the first part of my labor was essential. It was awesome. It felt so amazing and the surges kept coming but I was able to relax deeper into them, into the warmth of the waters. Roxanne texted me then and told me how she was in Hilo and was going to stop by and see where I was at.

I felt much relieved and more relaxed and at ease when she arrived. She sat with me and we talked and I just felt so immediately cared for. She sat with me for a few contractions, and then told me she thought I was having my baby TODAY. I was in disbelief upon hearing that....I mean I knew I was in labor, but the thought of having my baby TODAY was still something I had to wrap my mind around. But with Roxanne there, now I felt a lot better, I didn't feel cold and aimless anymore. There was a purpose at work. She helped give me the confidence to fold into everything I was experiencing and I knew it was safe to let go.

She said she was going to start preparing my birth room (which was the Cave upstairs I'd been occupying for the last few weeks for rituals) and getting everything together. While she did that I decided to go hang out in my living room and spend time with Caspian, my 2 year old son. I nursed him whenever he wanted and it did increase rushes. He nursed for a good half hour and we cuddled, no doubt increasing the oxytocin flooding me in my labor.

My son knew something was different with me.  He was wildly energetic and it was infectious.   I started to feel really happy and excited. I listened to psytrance and dance techno and Caspian and I had a wonderful moment in the living room where we were jamming out to Beats Antique and Four Tet.  We were both laughing and giggling together between surges.    I can honestly say at this point I was having a great time in active labor and it was fun!!  Never thought I would say that about labor!  There were several really charming moments where I would moo or make low vocal AUM tones during a contraction and then Caspian did it too along with me.  I would say, "Are you having a contraction too Caspian?" and he would say, "Yeah, me too!"  and then mimic the noises I was making.

Eventually Eros decided to take Caspian to the park for a few hours because he was getting antsy, and a bit too energetic for me, which really allowed me to get deeper into myself and the birth experience. 

I started noticing that I felt a sense of ecstasy after each contraction.  Like it was INTENSITY INTENSITY INTENSITY OMG INTENSITY and when the surge faded, I would be left giddy with feelings of pleasure inside of me.  Not "orgasmic..." it just felt really really good in between contractions, to the point where I did not fear or tense up when I felt another one coming on.  The relief between surges was nice to look forward to.  As the labor went on, this feeling of relief became more and more ecstatic in nature. I started to feel really good and in the moment and wanting to talk to someone.

My midwife (Roxanne) was phenomenal.  I have NEVER experienced anyone so selfless and pure in what she does.  She supported me tirelessly through the entire labor.  She gave me oil massages on my back and feet when contractions started to get heavier, applying welcome pressure to my body.  She was my companion through the rushes and kept me company and we had many interesting discussions and talks.  I really appreciated having someone so open to talk with during labor.  We just chatted between contractions for what seemed like ever, and it was amazing.   I think we just sat at the kitchen table and talked for hours while I drank strong infusions of red raspberry leaf tea and AUMMMMED through my surges . 

At one point Roxanne and I decided to go outside.  I couldn't believe how beautiful the world looked around me.  I thought I wouldn't like going outside in labor due to the town-like atmosphere of Hilo, but in labor I only had eyes for the natural world around me, the blue sky and the greenery and the white puffy clouds.  We went on a walk down the street until we reached part of the Hilo jungle in active labor.    I felt like I was on a drug, it was amazing.  I felt adventurous and lively.   I very much enjoyed being outside while laboring.  I even felt a quirky desire to keep walking deeper into the jungle through a massive fallen tree but Roxanne felt I was nearing transition.  She asked me if I wanted to birth my baby in the jungle park of Hilo and I decided I'd rather go home to "my cave." 

Wandering around the park in active labor, near transition 

On the way home things got intense.  I would have to stop and lean on Roxanne through the surges.  She became very "tree-like" to my perception as we were outside surrounded by trees.  I thanked her for being my tree. 

 Contractions continued to get intense in sensations and I kept focused on just kept diving right in mentally...I started talking to my body, telling it what to do.  "Letttt gooooo....Lettt gooo..."   and "It's okay body.  It's okay.  It's okay.  Relaxxxx...relaxxxxxx..ggo throughhh..."  I swayed my hips and made low moaning AUM noises through contractions. 

When we got home I drank more red raspberry leaf infusion.  I was dripping a lot from my yoni with mucus and was curious about what was happening inside, but I didn't want numerical details.  Roxanne told me to reach inside and see if I could feel my water bag.   I curiously inserted a finger and there it was!  I couldn't believe I had progressed to that point.  After feeling that water bag of my baby descending, I started to get very emotional.  I went back out to the table and sat down and Roxanne and I talked about my emotions about the upcoming transition.  I found myself freely feeling my emotions and accepting them.  It felt good to express my more turbulent feelings and be truly listened to and heard by someone who seemed to care so much. 

At this point she guessed I was around 7 cm, although we didn't ever do an internal check, leaving it to Nature. I now feel like that was a smart decision to leave numerical details out of my birth almost entirely. So many women get hung up on the numbers of birth, like the timing of contractions and how dilated, etc. I think this takes a woman out of touch with her body, personally. Nature doesn't care about numbers, so for this birth, we didn't either. It felt good for Roxanne and I to just go with the flow of my body, it felt sooo right. She could tell where I was at by the tones of my voice anyway, which was really great.

I soon started to feel nauseous again and like I might want to just lie down.  So I went upstairs to my "cave," the room in the house I'd been using for rituals the past few weeks of my pregnancy.  I lay down, and did that for awhile. Peter Gabriel started playing on my playlist. My friend Mina called and I picked up the phone and she said I sounded remarkably lucid for active labor.  She asked if I wanted her to come over, and I said, "sure."  Then I hung up the phone because I was getting another contraction and it was POWERFUL.  Way more intense then any of the others.  At this point it was taking all of my focus to keep breathing through them and relaxing was getting more difficult.   I was making REALLY loud animal noises with each contraction (because funny enough the more animalistic my sounds the better and more relaxed I became) and started to have back pain from the baby's head coming down and pushing bones out of the way.  

Roxanne suggested I try out the birthing stool.  It was by the window in my Cave, sunlight streaming in around it. I sat down and with the next surge, I felt an "URGE" to push.  It was just a little one but it took over and I recognized it.  Roxanne said since I was feeling "pushy" we should call back Eros and Caspian because things were gonna happen.  Sure enough, the next contraction brought an even more powerful urge to push and I gave into it.  It felt great to push.  

  At this point things start to get a little hazy, and a little crazy.   The time dilation I experienced during this part is insane.  Every second felt like an eternity.  I went into pure animal mode.  I was emotional and wild.  The sounds ripping out of my mouth and throat were completely inhuman.   I felt like a savage beast, but I didn't recoil from it, I surged forward into it.  The pain just enveloped me completely then, even between contractions.  There was no avoiding it.  This pain IS me.  i BECOME it.  Roxanne reminds me to take rest when I need it, and I do...I was able to draw back into my center at least a few times to sit calmly and regain focus.  She reminds me over and over that baby is coming.   That helps keep me focused...this pain is not for nothing.   Eros came back with Caspian, and I realized Nikki (Roxanne's daughter) is here and keeping Caspian entertained while I'm in this stage.  Eros sits down beside me.  I alternate between the birthing stool and the bed.  Until finally Roxanne recommends the stool for the last few pushes, to allow gravity to help. 

Eros is with me.  I am suddenly feeling scared and like I'm glad he's there.  I make eye contact with him and things go still.  I push again with the next surge, hollering in a deep primal way, my throat raw.  These bellows are coming up from the depths of my soul, from the depths of time itself.  Roxanne is in front of me on the birth stool and with every contraction I grip her tight in a big hug.  I'm so so thankful she's there.  "I love you so much," I tell her brokenly, feeling an explosion of love inside of me.  Then I tell her I don't think I can do it.  She tells me of course I can, and tells me of all the women who have birthed before me.  I recenter.  I push again, and she said the baby has crowned.  At this point I'm emotionally shredded.  I'm blubbering and scattered and gasping like crazy from the effort.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.   At some point I reach down to feel my baby and I FEEL THE HEAD surging against my vagina.  I look up at Roxanne and yell, "I WANT IT OUT OF ME!"

Again, time is hazy and unclear. There might have been a few more pushes. But soon my focus zeroed in big time.  I closed my eyes and with the next contraction, I visualized a open sphere of fire and when it was time to push I DROVE all my energy right into it, full force, right into the middle of that flaming ball of agony, I THREW MYSELF, everything that I was, or will ever be, INTO that flaming ball of pain like my life depended on it.  It was incredible, the total surrender I felt in the depths of my soul as I THREW MYSELF into the fire, to BURN.  And burn I did.  Scorching.  Until there was nothing left.  Surrender surrender surrender!! GONE. 

 Crowning...in these pictures you can start to see her head coming out.  I look a lot calmer here then I felt inside..

.

 EXCEPT A HEAD!!!  I felt the head pop out and it was a rubbery bump.  VICTORY. Relief relief relief but oh but the burning burning burning!!  I waited for the next contraction trying to stay calm, gasping for air.  As I waited, my friend Mina came into the room carrying flowers, JUST THEN.   What amusing timing!  I loved it and immediately felt calmed, my breath steadying.  The next contraction, I pushed, and my baby slid out into Roxanne's hands, more rubbery goodness, and in SHOCK, total obliterated SHOCK, I saw my daughter for the first time. 

I couldn't believe it. 

"I did that!" I kept shouting.  "I did that!  I did that!" 

I became completely nonsensical at the sight of the baby.  That feeling when you meet your baby is indescribable.  It's extreme.  I felt such a sense of accomplishment and just flat out AWE.  I blubbered and babbled and said all sorts of crazy stuff.  It was like getting struck by lightning over and over and over again at the sight of her.  I couldn't function.  She was sooooo soft, the softest thing I'd ever felt since my son was born.  And slippery, covered in vernix.  I wanted her on my chest right away.   With the next push I delivered the placenta.   It came out incredibly fast, unusually fast. Roxanne and Eros helped me back to the mattress carrying baby and placenta and I found I could barely walk at all.  How do your legs function after birth?  It's hard.  I felt myself rapidly coming "back to my body" and having to make my feet work somehow. 

I laid down and the baby girl was put on me.  Dear GOD, the BEAUTY.  I was freaking out because she was so fresh and a weird color, very pale.  Roxanne helped her cry a little to clear her lungs by rubbing her on top of me and she eventually gave in and cried and her color pinked up immediately.  I was entranced.  It was a moment frozen in time. 

This is where I did have a freaky thing happen in my labor. Although the baby was out, I was starting to feel pretty weird and uncomfortable.  I felt like I was still having a lot of contractions.  But this time I didn't want to accept them, they felt off.  The pain grew and grew again and I was confused because I had just given birth and thought everything was out.  Roxanne checked me and pressed lightly on my uterus and discovered I had developed an unexpected random bleed.  She pressed on my uterus and a wave of blood and clots came out. I lost a lot of blood and was feeling faint.  Apparently my blood pressure got very low.  There was no obvious reason for the blood as everything had left my uterus intact, but the placenta had shot out unusually fast on its own.  This was the only weird thing about my labor.  But Roxanne was prepared and gave me a shot to help slow the bleeding and had me lay down with a baby girl on my chest, suckling for the first time. I saw her eyes and she reminded me soo much of her brother Caspian.

Two hours passed in a flash. Now time is speeding up. I'm nursing baby girl and overwhelmed with love. There are no words. She was great at nursing right away it seemed, once she got the hang of it, she latched right on, even better then Caspian did when he was born. After 2 hours passed and the cord had stopped pulsing, Roxanne had Eros cut the cord, and then Mina took my placenta down to the kitchen for processing so that I could start eating it. Eating your placenta is great for a lot of things, but especially for any bleeds or hemorrhage. I ate it with Caspian's birth too but this time, because of the bleed, it seemed especially important I consume it asap. The rest of the day my beautiful birth attendants brought me bowls of chopped placenta and glasses of iced fruit juice while I tried to recover. The bleed had left me feeling really weak and dizzy and lightheaded, so I stayed in bed (and am actually still pretty much bed-bound). I'm taking iron supplements and focusing a lot on my nutrition to help my body heal but it's slow going. The post partum period is always such an intense and delicate time, regardless. I just birthed a human being, after all! WOW!!!

I could go on and on in this birth story, but I will stop it here. I will conclude this essay by saying that this birth experience was one of the most enjoyable, amazing, interesting, empowering, transcendental experiences of my entire life. I never want to forget. I never want to forget the love that I felt during the entire birthing experience, the fun I had during labor, the moments of pure Presence and Beingness that I felt. To me now, looking back, I am overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude and awe. This labor and birth experience felt like becoming one with GOD/GODDESS/SOURCE, radiant and abundant and vivid and REAL. It was deeply humbling and I will never be the same.

Now I can say with certainty that I have experienced the ECSTASY OF BIRTH.

I just keep remembering, thinking about it, the feelings are so vivid inside me still. I even dream about it, every night since (2.5 days post partum now).

I can't thank Roxanne Estes enough for her experience, reassurance, intuition and guidance through the birthing experience. She is an amazing soul and I feel like I wouldn't want to birth with anyone else ever. Sharing the sacredness of birth with her was incredible, and an honor. She was so in the moment with me and I will remember that forever. What a gift. I'm also thankful for her daughter Nikki, for her selfless service on behalf of women, all of our talks and camaraderie in the office setting up prenatal visits, handling the health insurance madness, and the way she arrived at the perfect time to take my son into her arms during labor when I couldn't. Another incredibly inspiring woman. Also I want to thank Mina for coming by at, once again, the perfect time, an icon of brightness and love, bearing flowers, to witness the arrival of my daughter into the world, sharing her light. I'm thankful for my family for their love and prayers, support and for believing in us. I'm also grateful for my lovely friends over the ocean on the mainland, who have been tirelessly supportive and energetically positive and uplifting for me as I go through this journey in motherhood, and in life. And of course, my dear patient and hardworking and beautiful husband Kevin, and our precious and darling little boy, Caspian. And my daughter, my sweet DAUGHTER, for choosing me as her mother, to be born into this world! I am honored to be her portal.

I love you ALL more then I can ever express with words!!! My heart explodes!

I have learned SOOO SOO much through this pregnancy and birth. Thank you thank you thank you. I am singing praises to the heavens for this. My gratitude will last for all eternity.

With love, respect and adoration: Michelle Rose (Aeri)

Seraphina Iselle Rose

born August 17^th, 2014 1:38pm

And our baby girl

Is that you, #2?

I am so emotional right now.  I don't even know how to feel.   I had "a feeling" that I might be pregnant, so two days before period was due, I took a pregnancy test.  Big fat negative.

But I couldn't shake that I was pregnant because I started "acting pregnant," as in having a lot of behavioral randomness with food and soul-desires that I remember from the other two times I've been pregnant.  And I've felt a little "off."    A bit nauseated and just not very hungry...usually around my period I'm ravenous.

So today, my period was due.   I was waiting for it expectantly.  But the behavioral randomness was continuing.  For example, I am usually content with Cinderland.  But every time I get pregnant, I suddenly want to leave and get my own little spot away from everyone.  So I kept finding myself thinking that I want to move from Cinderland, all day, and even preparing to do so.  

That's when the hunch hit me, maybe I should take another pregnancy test, I'm acting a little pregnant.  So I did, and I saw a faint positive line.

Now I don't know what to do.  All I can do is wait.  I am not getting excited.  But I want to be excited.  :(  But I can't be excited.  I don't want my hopes up.   I am not naive anymore.   But I have heard a positive is a positive, no matter how faint.  People are telling me that I might have just implanted and to take another test in a day or two to see if it gets darker.   What's crazy is that a few days ago I had a thought around implantation when I felt a little stabby pain down where my uterus is.  Just a few quick stabs.  And I had some "blood flecks" when I wiped.

I've been FEELING very "close to pregnancy" the past few weeks...like a subconscious awareness that I'm getting close to being pregnant again.  I thought it was just my biological and emotional want.   Though tonight that faint positive line...it's maddening.  I don't know how to feel.   Maybe my period is late.  Maybe I 'WILLED' the faint positive line into existence.  It's there though.  Eros confirmed it.

Now I just have to wait.   If it's legit, the line will get darker over the next 2-3 days.  So I'm forcing myself to wait and test again in a day or two.  I'm pretty much just trying to ignore the fact I ever saw that faint positive line.   Because I am already terrified about miscarriage again, if it IS legit.   Faint lines worry me.

Oh well.  Gotta stay positive.  I was hesitant to tell anyone anything.  But at least here on my blog, I can just let it out.

Warped.

One thing you have to get used to after you have a baby...is how DIFFERENT your body feels.  It feels like a totally alien body to me.  Way different then I remember before I got pregnant.  It's a pretty dramatic change.  Physically, I don't recognize myself.  Mentally, in some ways, as well.

It's WARPING, when you have a baby.  It just totally warps you.  Like the way my body FEELS...is intense...way more aches, pains and increased body awareness then there used to be.  I get totally freaked out at times by just how my body feels all jumbled up.  And you know what...yoga doesn't seem to help like it used to.  In fact it might even aggravate certain pains.

Of course that's not a reason not to do yoga.  It's just surprising how physically, I feel like there has been a huge change.  A change in how I FEEL, inside...even taking a shit feels WAY different!!!   Peeing feels different.  How I sit.  How I move.

And by default, how I think; how I feel.

I can't possibly do enough kegals to make the inside of my yoni look like it did before, to put it bluntly.  I read somewhere I should do 200 kegals a day, during the post partum period.  But I mean seriously...how does one do 200 kegals a day?  Unless I designate a special "kegal time," it's just not going to happen.  Maybe I should try to do that...I dunno.  You feel pretty banged up after an intense childbirth experience.   It takes time to get used to "the new normal."  (as I've heard multiple people refer to it)

Well, I'm doing kegals right now.  That's the good thing about them, you can do them anytime, anywhere.

Flowy Gush.

The real trick is seeing Paetreyl in everyone.

I wanted to talk a little about how my experience as a mother has affected my relationship with him.

During my pregnancy, we hardly communicated at all. Sometimes I would see him giving me a little knowing smirk (who knows what that meant) but we didn't really exchange words at all. Creatively, I felt stunted; blocked up. Like I was PLUGGED. The first part of my pregnancy I wrote on my book quite a bit, but gradually I lost more and more interest. The hormones being what they were in pregnancy, I had no desire to work on my novel at all. I couldn't care less actually, funny enough.

I still don't. But things are better. I am more in touch with him. Being a mother puts me in a space where I feel like I have to “Be On” all the time, constantly. An effect of this phenomenon is greater contact with, well, everything around me, inside of me, etc. It can get so overwhelming...to Be On all the time. So the best way to manage the energy, is to simply funnel it into something. So since I've had the baby I've been changing the way I function on a fundamental life level. And I realize that the way you deal with having to be constantly On all the time, for the sake of another being, is to be artistic, creative. For me, this means constantly funneling all that awareness into my creative centers.

Here's the weird thing; I feel like HAVING the baby unblocked me in some way. It popped my creative cork or something, to have Caspian burst forth from me. I feel so much more...FLOWY, I guess, since he came into my life. And yet more determined and driven then ever, like a GUSH of something ethereal is still pouring forth from me.

In life, you have to assume that everything you do or say is being monitored in some way. Even when you think you're alone, you're not. So you have to be ON, all the time, because you ALREADY have an audience. You are being watched RIGHT NOW, with interest. From what, or who? I can't say. There are a few opinions out there. But I'm looking really really far out, really really high up, to take a peek into WHO is watching my every move. It's not the Government, though I'm sure they are too. It's something else...some Spirit who is observing everything I do, waiting for my next breakdown, waiting for my next breakthrough.

That's Paetreyl. At least, that's who it is, to my perception. My Friend in Spirit, from another world, in another place and time.

So right now, we are in tentative contact. At least, I'm aware of him being aware of me. And that's a really positive place to be as a writer. Someone who wants to tell his story for him. He's just WATCHING and trying not to bother me so much. But I think he is taking an interest into this whole process of me being a mother. I don't know why...the experience simply seems to connect us more at the seams. It seems to hem us together in a way we've never been before. My CONTACT, which is to say my awareness, of Paetreyl, a sense of living spirit, has increased. I am being pushed to my limits as a mom. I'm only 4 months in, and I strive to be activated for every moment of the day. I'm fully aware of the tender soul on my hands at all times. Paetreyl watches this in me, sees me compelled to care for this little being so completely there is never anything lacking...and he wants this. He's fascinated by this type of love.

He's not what a lot of people in his world think of him. He has been wholly misrepresented, through the ages. They think he is a monster, whom they must worship. They are in a web of lies created by their own fears about him. At least, that's what Paetreyl says. Like any good reporter, I strive to get the whole story about him. I want him to tell me everything through a telepathic link; and once we are joined, once we are connected in just the right way, there is no way he can hide the truth of what he is, to me.

Some people think him a demon. Some people think him an angel. Some people just think he's a human being, like us. He's never anything really, besides what we see him as. What he and I have in common is that we both roll our eyes at our respective worlds, and say, “Whatever.”

In our universe(s), you really got to just tuck yourself into a groove. And forget about everyone else.

Sometimes you have to write about things that hurt the brain to think about. The catch is keeping it away from who you are. You're just the vessel. You're just the conduit. The message has nothing to do with YOU.

Paetreyl's great nemesis is Prem. The most AWFUL THING. The disastrous, hideous, frightening, black, evil, putrid THING. All humans have it in them. All of them are inherently terrified of it. And it can take any form there is. It's the Thing that Ruins Everything. It's murderous, to say the least, and epically twisted. It's the thing that dismembers you and feeds you to itself. Prem: The Zombie God.

You can push your illusion on anyone, if you're Prem. That's what makes him so terrifying. Ninth Circle Beings aren't anything to sneer at. You'd just better run.

When you have a baby, you become a portal to the Beyond. Like it or not that's sort of how it is. Then it feels like once your portal has been opened, the Beyond just streams in through. I'm still in “Beyond” mode since having the baby. Feeling like what I did was very very important, incredible and soul empowering. Because it seems like a HUGE DEAL, in retrospect; to have a baby. Much MUCH more huge of the deal then I'd ever thought, before Elan came out of me.

Because it feels so HUGE (...”I had a baby...” is the thought that occasionally hits me) I tend to see life so differently then I did before. The very experience is like nothing I've ever felt before. I've never had these hormones before, this body before. The body I have now is totally different. And you just got to accept that. The way I feel, hormonally, is totally separate and unique to anything I felt previous to the birth. For some reason I just really feel that having Caspian has OPENED me in so many ways. It's realigned everything that I am, and it's something you just got to get used to. There's no going back afterward.

I have definitely gotten more OCD since having the baby. I feel...like I have to just stay constantly busy. Like I seriously need to get things done. The work of a mom is NEVER done. I think I'm just now realizing what it means to be someones mother. It means stay ON for the baby's sake...100% of the time. Your awareness must be at fever pitch, at its highest vibration all the time. But it's not hard to do...because hormonally, Nature wants you there, at that spot, for your baby...IF you accept the new level of openness that is inside of you.

My friend Paetreyl is a telepath. To get into a telepath's head isn't always easy. But don't bother trying. If they want to get into yours, they will. You can always trust a telepath to make contact FIRST. Don't worry about it...you'll likely be hearing from them even if they don't first make themselves apparent.

They are driven to communicate, every one.

There's some sort of technological-biology thing going on with Paetreyl. I've been trying to figure it out for ages, but the exact composition of who he is remains to be seen. Something alien. Something off. He's nothing like you'd think he is. Maybe he has nano's inside of him.

So I don't bother getting into his head. He shares with me, and he wants to tell me everything. He's lived for century upon century, and I have the feeling that things are coming to a close for him in some way. So he dumps loads of information on me, stuff that just all seems connected to the same Story. Like it's all part of the same thing that he urgently wants me to take note off. I do take note...how couldn't I note. Experiencing what I write is practically orgasmic to me. Whatever flows through, feels like birth...like the portal is open, pouring forth it's lingo.

When Caspian's head popped out of my yoni...it felt INCREDIBLE.

The contractions, the pushing...felt crazy painful. But when his head finally popped out, it was like a blast of YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Birth Story of Caspian

Written during the moments in which daddy (Eros) holds baby, and also some of it one handed with baby at the boob.

For the longest time I thought my baby would come early, but as my due date (February 29th) approached, I had consigned myself to the fact that I would probably go at least to my due date, or a little bit over.

I relaxed and surrendered into my final weeks of being pregnant, only being partially aware of what was to come.  I knew that labor was inevitable, and despite my bravado and eagerness to embrace the experience, a part of me indeed felt a little nervous.  I wanted an all-natural home birth and didn't even choose a midwife until two weeks before labor. 


I met my midwife Mala through my friend Mina, also pregnant with her first child.  Safe to say, we clicked from the beginning, and her presence in my life was serendipitous.  I knew she would be the one to deliver my baby.  She seemed like some sort of medicine woman, very on my vibe.  The last weeks of being pregnant she encouraged me to get in the ocean as much as possible and to express myself artistically before the birth of my child.

 9 months pregnant

I spent the week prior to birth bouncing on my birthing ball in order to move the baby further down.  Sometimes I would bounce on it for 2 hours at a time.   I also engaged in more sex then usual, because I'd read that semen thins the cervix.  I did all this, yet I still felt that I would probably go to my due date.  I could tell the baby was LOW in my pelvis, as it was hard to walk around, and I was going to the bathroom every five minutes.  But I did not bother to consider that I could go into labor at any time, not willing to have expectations and wanting to enjoy the last part of my pregnancy.

Eros enjoying the birthing ball

When February 23rd rolled around- I hadn't slept much at all.  I got around 3 hours of sleep, as I had the past few nights. I also wasn't able to eat much food due to limited space in my body, so I found myself just juicing my food and drinking it instead of eating it.

The moment I got out of bed on the 23rd, I felt different.  I immediately set up my canvas and paints and decided to paint a picture.  I'm not an "artist" per say, but I do enjoy painting and wanted to paint my favorite thing.

While I was painting, Casey (Mina's husband) happened to bring over the birthing tub that they'd used for the birth of their son, Zion, just two days prior.   He dropped it off while I was painting and I remember telling him that I thought I would go a few more days, but that I was glad to have the tub.

But as the day wore on, I started to get increased feelings of alteration.  I'm someone who is experienced with altered states of consciousness, and there was definitely something going on.  I was experiencing a big headshift, catalyzed by what?  I just kept painting and focusing on the music.   I did not quite want to consider labor yet, as I was so tired from not sleeping the night before. 

I spent all day painting and listening to psytrance music.  By the time I had to go pick up Eros from work, I felt distinctly like something was going on.  It was like being on the come up of a mushroom trip.  I felt out of body, out of reality.   I could feel the baby moving around inside of me, and his movements felt very vivid.  At this point I remember wondering if I was going into labor.

I picked up Eros, and asked him to drive home because I was feeling very disoriented.  I thought I might just need to eat something.  I home and went to the bathroom, and saw a bit of yellow mucous on the toilet paper after I wiped.  I wiped again and more mucous.  I knew what this was: my mucous plug.  Mala had told me that many times labor begins within 72 hours of losing the plug, so I started to feel a little excited.   Was this it?

Mala and Hilary the midwives came over later that night to check me and to discuss what other supplies I needed for labor.  We made a list of supplies, and then they checked the position of the baby.  They were both shocked to discover that I was 2 cm dilated and that he was VERY VERY low, so low that on my exam they could feel his head pushing down.  Mala told me I was in pre-labor and that I need to get the supplies asap as I would probably go into active labor in the next day or so.  She told me I could go into labor that evening if I wanted to.  I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted to as I was so tired by not sleeping.  We talked for a bit more and I told her I would probably not go into labor.  She told me to call her if anything changed.

I was starting to feel pretty excited, but also calm.  

That night I decided to take it easy.  Because I find it relaxing I went on my birthing ball for about 20 minutes.

Then I tried to go to sleep.  But I just couldn't.  At this point I was starting to feel some sensations in my body.  I felt super-sensitive and really "high," and emotive.  I found myself wanting to be passionate with my partner, Eros.  I felt like touching him and having him touch me.  It was like my sense of touch had been heightened and I wanted to take advantage of it.   I wanted physical contact and connection.  We had sex, the best since getting pregnant. 

Finally I was able to go to sleep.

But just as I was starting to go into dream, something happened...MY WATER BROKE!

It broke with a burst all over me!    "My water just broke!" I woke up Eros in shock.  I got out of bed and felt it drip down my legs more, leaving a trail to the bathroom.  At this point I was in so much surprise.  My water broke...WAIT...that means...I could be going into labor.

Eros and I cleaned up and then decided to try and get more sleep.  If I was going into labor I would need my rest.  However I simply could not go to sleep, as after 30 minutes, I started getting waves of powerful contractions.  They took my breath away, they were PAINFUL, a lot more intense then the practice labor contractions I'd been having for weeks.  I could only breathe through these.  But when I relaxed into them and focused on letting go, they seemed more and more painful.

Finally after about two hours of this I called Mala in the middle of the night and told her my water broke.    We hadn't even had a chance to get the supplies.  She asked me if I wanted her to come or if I wanted to labor more on my own and I decided I wanted to labor a bit on my own first to see how I progress.  She told me to try and get some sleep, but of course, I couldn't!  The contractions just kept getting more and more intense.

It really helped to cover my birthing ball with a blanket and lean over it

While I labored, Eros slept, but he eventually was woken up by my breathing and moans and he helped me time the contractions.  I gotta say that is a sweet memory, cuddled up together on the bed timing my contractions together.  I was getting more and more out of reality with each one.  I was starting to realize LABOR IS POWERFUL.  They were coming frequently and lasting for longer when we finally decided to call Mala because the pain was getting intense and I was starting to want guidance and support.  I was really glad I had Mala and Hilary to call upon. 

When she got there she took one look at me and said she could tell I was deep into it.  She told me that instead of surrendering to the contractions to think of them more as a wave that I could ride.  This helped.  She also told me that maybe it would help if I made very deep low tones in my throat.  So I did, she and I did lots of Aums and deep low tones in my throat to help with the pain which was getting intense.  It felt like I was made out of paper and someone was tearing me right in half.  I had totally underestimated the possibility of labor pain in my preparation.  I kept trying to transmute the pain into pleasure or at least, peace, but it was so intense.  I had no control, despite intending on having some.

Mala was so awesome.  She really helped me through my contractions.

I labored throughout the night, in many different positions.  Each time I changed positions the baby's heartbeat was monitored to make sure that the position was pleasing to him.   The pain just kept growing and I was starting to reach transition, and feel a sense of desperation with the pain.  I moved to 4cm and then to a 6, then an 8.  By the time morning came around, I was starting to feel intense urges to PUSH.   It's like my body just took over with this "push" urge.  These urges overwhelmed me and I told Mala that I needed to push, and she checked my cervix and told me that I needed to hold off for another 1/2 hour or so, because my cervix still needed to dilate a little bit.

That was one of the hardest parts of my labor, feeling such overwhelming powerful urges to push (I felt as though pushing would relieve the pain I was in) and being unable to do so.  I sat in the rocking chair in the living room listening to B-Tribe and trying to cope with the pain of being ripped in half, over and over again.

I was really out of my head by this time.  I was beginning to have crazy visions of past lives and people I have been, who have entered into this world through birth.  I could see clearly who I have been.  It was like being on high-level psychedelic trip, except this was labor and I was trying to birth my baby into the world.  

At this point it was morning time and I'd been laboring for awhile, on 3 hours of sleep and minimal food.  Hilary the assistant midwife came over, and two of my friends (Tara and Katie) stopped by to help with the birthing process.  Here is where it got pretty intense. 

I got back into the birthing pool (I'd been in and out the entire night) and Mala told me that it was okay to push the baby out if I felt the urge.  I definitely felt the urge.  The pushing felt SO GOOD compared to the contractive pain.

But the trouble was the baby's head was having a more difficult time moving through the birth canal.  I pushed and pushed and PUSHED until my entire throat was raw and every muscle trembling and he only made small amounts of progress each time.

Mala sang and chanted through my contractions.   Eros, Tara and Katie supported me psychically as I dealt with the pain.  Hilary took pictures.

To cut to the chase, I ended up pushing for 3 hours.  I changed positions every few pushes trying to find a more effective way with the guidance of Mala.   Everyone could tell me I was making progress but I wasn't sure I believed them because soo much effort was being expended and I still hadn't seen my baby yet!  I could reach down and feel his head moving down through the birth canal but it seemed to be such slow progress and I was starting to get worried not to mention in increasing pain.

No matter how much I tried to get myself into the mindstate of TRANSMUTING pain into pleasure, or at least peace, I could not do it, it was SENSATION yes, but it really really hurt. The only thing that carried me onwards by this point was my breathing and sometimes the pain was so intense that I could not breathe at all.

I had spent so much time preparing for my labor by envisioning a rapid second stage in which I only pushed for a few minutes.  But the reality is that my body was really working on moving the baby's head down my birth canal and it was taking hours of progression to get anywhere.  This left me feeling really fragile and vulnerable.  This was not like I envisioned at all!  But I had no energy to lament.  I was getting deeper and deeper into a pure animalistic state of release.  I no longer felt like a human being.  I became some sort of elemental force of Nature.

I had no brain anymore.  No sense of reason.  I was totally gone.  After the second hour straight of intense contractions and relentless pushing, I was just flat out gone.  It was a state of mind that I've NEVER experienced before.  I went to a really primal place in my consciousness, the place in space-time where birth and death meet.

The agony roiled through me and all I wanted to do was get my baby out.  But it seemed to be taking an eternity.  Time stopped.  I pushed and pushed.  I started to wonder if I was going to be able to do this.  I would turn to Mala, my midwife and say, "am I okay?" because I really did not know.  She would smile at me and say, "Yes, you're great, you're having a baby!"  Everyone told me I was making progress.  But I was really worried.  I did not know why it was taking so long.  I was just out of my head with urgency to have this baby. 

Katie and Tara really kept me motivated and focused.   They helped make me fruit smoothies to keep me going in labor because I was getting so so tired, having only had 3 hours sleep the night before.   It was really hard for Eros to see me in such pain.  He's never seen me that far gone, ever.

Time passed.  The next hour brought a new level of intensity.  I was beside myself with urgency to have the baby.  I couldn't even walk because his head was pushing me apart.  It was the worst pain I'd ever experienced.  I kept pushing and pushing to bring him out.  My support team kept telling me, "Oh he's right there Aeri, he's right there! Push push push!" and I would push with all my might and he would still not be born and I felt despair.

But I kept pushing, I needed him out.

His head beginning to come out of my yoni: 

I was getting so exhausted.  My entire body was shaking.  Eros's body was shaking from having to support me.  I looked around and only saw ONE CONSCIOUSNESS in the room: it was like EVERYONE who attended my birth was laboring with me.  It was real group consciousness I was seeing.  Everyone was in labor, everyone was trying to have this baby. I was hanging off people and squeezing them and they were all in it with me.  It was a group effort completely.

"I'm so tired," I would say and would only have to push again and again.  I was even given some oxygen to help me recover some energy and push harder.

Finally I turned to Mala and said, "Tell me what to do!" 

She told me to go outside and walk up and down the stairs...on all fours.  I couldn't even conceive of doing such a thing.  "Seriously?" I asked her.  She nodded.  At this point, I thought I had better give it a try.

So I did, I went outside and went down the stairs on all fours and up on all fours.  My contractions were out of control and the urge to push was overwhelming me.  I barely made it inside, yelling, "I got to push! I have to push!"

I barely made it to the kitchen before I felt my lower part of my body start to explode.  

Tara and Katie supported me in a standing position.  I hung off of their arms and bore down standing to push.  I let out a growl of frustration.  I could feel something emerging from between my legs.  I could feel the head coming, coming coming...and then POP, it was out!  RELIEF flooded through me, the head was OUT!!

I cried out and Mala asked Eros to help me sit down and lean back for the rest of it, but as I leaned back the baby shot straight out of me in a colorful gush of flesh and fluid!  

I cried out again in total shock!  What just happened? WHAT!  WHAT WAS THAT!  DID I JUST HAVE THE BABY???!  Finally!  Just like that??!  

Mala caught him and immediately he was sending his voice up into the air with his first cry.  That first cry is emblazoned into my memory forever.  I saw Eros's face.  It was stricken with pure astonishment.  I was astonished.  I couldn't believe what had just happened.  I couldn't believe it was over, that I'd had the baby.  I simply couldn't believe that I'd done it, that he was here.

He was born so colorful.  All pink and purple.  His head had been heavily molded by the experience through the birth canal.  (now it's totally normal again ) Mala put a receiving blanket and a hat on him immediately so he didn't lose too much body heat.  

My angel!!  He opened his eyes immediately and looked straight at me!   He was SO ALERT and seemed so aware!  We looked at each other for a minute or two then he cried for about ten minutes and I was just in LOVE!!  I couldn't believe that THIS beautiful creature was what had been growing inside of me for 9 MONTHS!  What a miracle, truly divine experience. 

I thanked him for being born.  I couldn't believe how perfectly formed and beautiful he was.  I rubbed the vernix into his skin.  He just felt so beautiful.  I was so so in shock.  I began to lift up in such a high.  Most of the pain was gone, there was only this beautiful angelic creature in my consciousness.  I couldn't believe the love. 

We waited until the umbilical cord stopped pulsing to cut the cord.  I had considered a lotus birth but I had other plans for my placenta. 

We cuddled together and I couldn't stop looking at him.  His crying slowed down and he just looked at me and wiggled on my chest. 

Eros was transfixed, he held his son for the first time: 

Wow, I was on such a high.  

I could hardly believe what I had just gone through, and then POP there was a baby!  

About 30 minutes later, I felt the urge to push again.  I pushed very gently, and my placenta came out. 

I had spent a lot of time reading about the benefits of eating the placenta.  Even vegetarian animals will eat their placenta's after birth!!  Many women report it helps their bleeding post partum, and clears up any depressive issues.  The placenta is a miracle organ.  I decided I would try a piece of it raw to see if I liked it.  I wanted to listen to my body.  

My midwife cut up a piece of it for me to try, and I ate it...it was DELICIOUS.  It had a GREAT flavor and was even still warm.   I suddenly realized I needed to eat the entire thing.  The rest of the day my support team cut up the placenta into pieces which they put on a plate and I ate raw.  I ate the entire thing in about 24 hours.  It felt very natural to do this and I would definitely do it again.  

It didn't seem gross to me at all.  I don't know why, but it didn't.  I guess after the labor and birth I had, I felt like I needed to eat it to recover.  And I feel like it really helped.  It felt sacramental to eat it also.  I have not had any problems with depression or bleeding.  But most of all I felt eating the placenta raw after birth really empowered me spiritually.  It made me feel very alive.  

The rest of the day was spent recovering and getting to know my new role as Caspian's mummy.  Precious baby...sweet baby boy <3

Now it's 10 days post partum and I am just more in love with little Caspian every single day.   Every day I spend hours looking at his face, singing to him, talking to him, thanking him for being here with me.  I am so so blessed and I know it.  I am just so happy that he came to share in the experience of life with me.  I feel like he is an old, wise experienced soul who is experiencing humanity over again.  I am just in utter awe and have total respect for this little guy.  He is not just a baby to me, he is a luminescent eternal soul and I take every moment I share with him very seriously.  He is a teacher, sent to me from the cosmos.  

I now have a deep deep reverence for pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  It is beyond ANYTHING.   There are no words to describe it.  I feel so lucky and blessed to be a woman so that I can experience this.  I now a greater sense of my own power and grace.  I am still amazed and in awe and deep love for the challenges I have faced and overcome and the ways I have grown throughout this experience of becoming a mother.  I would not change anything and am totally and wholly gracious for the way it all unraveled.  I know it is all for my highest good, all of it, and am so blessed and in gratitude for my precious Caspian Elan.  <3

Caspian Elan Amadeus Rose 

born February 24th, 2012,  1:53pm

6 pounds, 13 ounces

20 inches long

Pisces Sun, Aries Moon, Cancer Rising 

1/3 emotional Generator with defined heart/ego/spleen