Family Update in Pictures Fall 2014

Successful Time Management Gets My Rocks Off

I completely kicked ass tonight in regards to being wise about my time and energy.  We had a family dinner first of beans, rice, avocado, salsa and lettuce, baths were on schedule for both kids, then story time for Caspian and nursing for Seraphina, then Caspian went to bed and then Seraphina went to bed.  Eros and I each put the kids to bed, then switch, so each kid gets time with both of us. I cleaned my kitchen, washed dishes, and tidied the house to prepare for a busy day tomorrow, took a moment to relax and did email correspondence and then hopped on the treadmill.   My foot is healed (huzzah!) so I ran and walked (2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking) for 45 minutes.  Then I went upstairs to my private room and did an hour of intense yoga.  Niice.  After that, I relaxed in the bath with a kombucha and grapes reading about the pagan sabbats and various family rituals.  Afterwards I took my vitamins and  NOW...I'm in bed.

I did work on my novel today during the children's naptime, but not much got done.  It's okay though.  I'm tightening up the evening routine that has formed so that I can make sure I give it the time and energy it needs to thrive.   The goal is each day to become even more efficient and productive with my time.

And now I must try and sleep.  The next week is gonna be intense, as Eros will be gone pretty much all day, every day.  Gone a lot more then usual. This mama needs to be ON and at the top of my game.

A woman who wants it all...

I do.  I want a big family, and a big career as a writer.  Is it possible?  Can I pull it off?  And can I do it all at once?  Originally after having Seraphina, I thought I would put off pursuing publication for my writings until after I was "done" having kids.  But realistically speaking, who can really say they are DONE having kids, until they simply lack the ability to have them anymore?  I do love motherhood and being a mom, but I also know one of my life's purposes is to become a published novelist.  I've known this since I was a very small child and could hold a crayon.  I knew it all through elementary school when I wrote stories for fun during study time, and I knew it when my grandfather first let me experiment on a typewriter.  I knew it in high school and I knew it in my raging 20's, and I know it now, even though I spend most of my time reading story books to kids instead of writing...

But I HAVE been writing and working on things, in between my household responsibilities.  There is real progression happening.  I've heard of women having successful businesses or writing careers with 1-2 kids...2 kids doesn't seem that much different then 1, honestly, aside from just more work.  But I imagine the scale really starts to dip differently once you get to 3 or more children.  There is less time and energy to devote to oneself the more kids you have.  Between the daily routine of managing a household of children, plus housework, plus bodily maintenance, plus waking up all night to soothe restless kids, finding the time to write is tricky.  It's tricky with 2, and I imagine with 4+ as I'm desiring, it would be even more difficult to find time to put in novel time.  HOWEVER, there is opportunity in what I am envisioning also.  Children are creatively inspiring to me in a big way.  They drive me to work harder and faster then I would otherwise.  After all, if you only have 15-20 minutes here and there throughout the day to write or work on your novel, you better take that time, or ELSE it won't get done.  So it seems like there is a potential to be ruthlessly efficient and much more consistent of a writer, the less overall "time and energy" you have...

I'm looking at the bigger picture of life when I consider my ideal family size, and although it's not "up to me" really, how many kids I end up with, I know that my vision of the bigger picture includes a bigger family.   It's what feels "RIGHT" for me.  I don't want to sacrifice this vision for a writing career, but this dream of mine to get my novels out there is very important.  I need to accomplish what I was born to do. So all I can do until the "time is right" to expand my family OR seek publication, is WRITE.  That's all I can do.  To be a writer, you have to WRITE.  It's really very simple...and there are little pockets of time here and there to make it happen. Usually at naptimes or at night.  This is why I'm not really keen on going to bed before 12/1am (despite a 6am wakeup, or sometimes earlier)...I have too much STUFF TO DO.   I can sleep when I'm dead.  That's the friggen truth. Between having babies and staying up late to carve out time to write...I doubt I'll truly sleep for a few years at least.  But it's fine. 

LET THE MANIA CARRY ME ONWARDS.

I'm excited too, because I can SEE my work maturing.  The entire novel has been elevated and is aging like a fine wine.   My recent life experiences are just making me that much more on point with every word and with what I'm aiming to convey and the message I want to share.

So can I still have a large family and be a successful writer?  YES.  I don't think the two are mutually exclusive at all.  In fact I think the roles of being a stay at home mom to a bunch of kids and a science fiction novelist will start really complimenting and feeding the other once the kids are out of preschool age.  I think one role will actually continuously inspire and motivate the other.  I think I CAN do both at once...

And I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE.

There are more ways to get energy besides food, sleep and caffeine...SPIRIT can keep me going far past all physical boundaries.  Ruthless determination comprises the essence of my soul.

Bitches.   Watch it get done. 

So mote it be. 

Make it so. 

The More the Merrier.

I'll just come out and say it:  I want a big family.  I was the oldest of five, and it feels natural to want the same.  My mom and dad parented in a much different way then I do, and we had some rough times as I was growing up (I really started clashing with my family when I was a teenager) but overall, now that I'm an adult and a parent myself I really think it's cool I have so many siblings and I appreciate the fact that my mom gave me so many.  I love how in a big family there is ALWAYS something going on!  There is NEVER a dull moment and that's what I love about it.  There is always loads of energy and excitement in a larger family.   I sort of miss that.  And god forbid, when my parents pass on, it will be great to have my brothers around still. 

I absolutely love my two children and feel SO blessed.  But I can't help but feel like there are "people missing" or something...when we're all chilling out in the living room together it doesn't feel "crazy enough," like there are important energetic components missing, like there are supposed to be more people.  And sometimes I "sense" the energy of these unborn beings circulating around and I feel that more babies want to be born into our family.

Sometimes I don't know if it will be a good idea to keep having kids...Seraphina's pregnancy was HARD.  But now that she's here, I understand that I don't have to love or enjoy pregnancy to go through it and make a beautiful child...the part that I LOVE, is the labor part, and the baby part, and the raising the child part.  I feel this strong strong urge to keep having children, keep making babies, as long as I can, as fast as I can.  It could be instinct, it could be biology.  But I know I'm a good mom and I feel like I would love to be blessed with more children.  As long as I feel like I could adequately provide for their needs and care for them the way they deserve.

I asked Caspian if he wanted me to have more babies and he looked at me with bright wide eyes and said an enthusiastic, "YEAH!"  He just loves them.   He adores his sister more then I ever thought he would and is such a great older brother.  His astrology is Pisces sun, Aries moon and Cancer rising...I feel like he is formulated well by the stars to enjoy being the oldest of a big family. 

Sure sometimes there are hard days as a mom.  But you know what I figured out?  You  have hard days as a mom whether you have one child, or two children, or five children!  Being a mom in general, regardless of family size, is just HARD sometimes.  But that's definitely not deterring me from considering several more children.  The joy and the satisfaction outweigh all of that.  I would love to have six kids total...I think that would be just perfect. (Eros says four is his max...we'll see...haha)  Obviously I got a late start compared to a lot of women.  I had my first child at 29, second child at 31.    I originally thought I didn't want to have any more babies beyond age 35, but I think I'd like to spend my 30's having kids.  It feels like now is the time for that sort of thing.

Also we are a family who is obsessed with living sustainably and in harmony with the Earth.  So we have wondered if having more kids would be a drain on the environment.  But I don't think it will be as long as we keep focusing on a sustainable lifestyle...the house we are planning to build will be on solar power, well water, and we will do our best on growing and procuring our own food.  Our dream is to have a farm with fruit trees, vegetable gardens, root cellars, goats and chickens.   We feel the allure of living a simple lifestyle living off the land and our own resources, using natural materials in building and recycling everything we can to spare the planet.  I feel like this sort of lifestyle accommodates a large family well. 

In my 20's, pre-motherhood, when I was enjoying the perks of being self-serving, free and partying, taking LSD and other psychedelics on a regular basis and smoking loads of weed, I never in my WILDEST dreams thought I would one day desire to have a large family.  I thought for SURE I would never have kids.  I didn't want them, had no drive for any kids at all.  I never wanted to be a mom in the slightest.  Until I came to Hawaii and I met a lot of beautiful, goddess-like mothers who nonetheless were still themselves.  It was inspiring to me.  Moms who were exotic dancers, moms who were spiritualists engaging in ceremony, moms who hula hooped with rings of fire.  I realized that life didn't stop when you became a mom.  I started to recognize that for a lot of women, that's when life actually began...

Understanding that I didn't have to be a "conventional mother" to be a good mom, was a world-moving realization for me.  I could still be my weird, quirky, and often wild self, and ALSO be a good mom.  I didn't have to "lose myself" to be a mom...I instead could FIND myself as a mother. 

The Big Island of Hawaii worked its magic upon me and my partner...we suddenly felt like we would try to have a baby.  It felt like it was "time."  I spoke my intentions at a Goddess Women's Circle one night at Cinderland ecovillage.  In witness of my spiritual sisters, I articulated that I had found a heart-desire to be a mom.  The next month I was pregnant! 

When Caspian was born, it was like lightning struck me.  It was like ALL MY LIFE I'd been searching for this experience, but not knowing it's what I wanted and needed to feel complete.  Once my son arrived, I just loved motherhood, I loved the sense of purpose it gave me, and I loved how I always had something to do.   I loved loving my son, more love then I ever dreamed of.  And I started to want more children when he was around 9 months old.  Due o some health issues, it took more then a year to conceive our next baby...our darling Seraphina.  She was so worth the wait for me to get healthy first.  I am just in awe with love and gratitude for her. 

My health issues are resolved and I am probably healthier now, nutritionally speaking, then I've been in years.   After Seraphina was born and I held her in my arms, that's when I knew, in my bones, in my uterus, in my cells:  "I want way way more of these."   This time around I started feeling broody almost immediately after the baby left my body.  I don't know why, but it is a physical yearning to keep building my family.  I want Caspian and Seraphina to be close in age with their unborn siblings.  With my health being so good now and with me feeling so on top of everything, I really don't want to wait long to start trying again for #3. 

I want to give my children the lifelong connections and wild excitement of a big family, like I had.  

So we'll see what happens.  I would be pregnant again already if I had my way, but Seraphina needs to grow more first.  She's so new still!  I know people might think I'm crazy to desire pregnancy again with a newborn!   But it is what it is and I am who I am, and I feel like I am suited to having little ones close in age.   I feel like I understand sacrifice, and the temporary nature of these precious early years.  I feel like I have developed enough patience and tolerance to enjoy having more little ones running around.    But I know I can't get pregnant again just yet.  Pregnancy hormones can take your milk supply away and I don't want to do that to my little baby.   But as soon as I feel like she's ready (probably when she starts eating solid food) I think we'll revisit the idea of #3...

In the meantime I'll keep giving endless thanks and gratitude for these precious blessings.  <3 

Raising a family far away from family...

It's not easy, by any means.  It's exceptionally lonely-feeling, pretty much constantly, at least for me.  Sure I have friends...even friends that can fulfill certain familial roles.  But it's just not the same.  It feels very unnatural to raise a family far far away from people who are and feel like family.  Even having lived in Hawaii on the Big Island almost 4 years, it's hard on me.  This is a very transient place, so I've had dozens of close friends (even ones who I thought would settle down here) move away, scatter, across the globe.  Very few people stay here longer then a year.  Confession: I don't entirely feel at home here either.

I'm having a very lonely night here in paradise.   

A Magical Household

I am studying "magic." I have really embraced the straight-up study of magic in the past few months.

Magic is simply, "technology of intention."  

Certain colors, elements, stones, herbs, scents, statues, etc, even down to the time of day or month, are all used to create a sacred space between worlds for this technology of intention to take effect.  You use physical tools to create a spiritual result...that's the beauty and the fun of it.  And then you use your inner vision to bring it forth. 

I get so excited when I decide to do a ritual or spell and I start collecting the herbs and tools that I need in order to attract the result that I want.  Just the act of procuring each sacred item to be used in the working of the ritual or spell helps give power to my intention and makes it even more magical. 

I was skeptical for awhile about all this, until I started casting spells and holding ritual while pregnant with Seraphina.  The result (my ecstatic birth experience with her) was, I believe, a direct result of my intention and the work I put into attracting the type of birth experience that I wanted.  In fact I actually went into labor an hour after finishing a 3 hour long ritual and ceremony with Eros within a sacred circle.  It couldn't have worked any better.  A 10 hour long ecstatic labor and birth...I look back now and it seems so very magical, the way it all happened.  (the story of this experience is stored under the BIRTH tab, on the right)

I do wonder if my post-birth bleed (I had a  medium PPH immediately following delivery) was caused by an oversight on my part in my magical intention and preparations...like maybe I used the wrong scent or possibly walked the wrong direction in the circle...maybe I hadn't cleansed the space completely and "something" got in and caused trouble...but that's okay, because it still worked out perfectly.  If not for the bleed I might not have been able to spend more then a week with just Seraphina and myself upstairs in my bedroom together.  And that was just pure BLISS.  Just me and her...for days and days.  Perfection...and maybe that's exactly what I wanted.  If I hadn't had the PPH I might have pushed myself to be on my feet way sooner.  Instead I was forced to rest, and just 'be' with my baby girl.

My goal now is to really fortify my household into a supernatural space of protection and power.  There are all sorts of things you can use to do this, all types of rituals and spells and little trippy tricks that you can sort of "embed" into the house landscape itself to make it a super protective and nurturing place.  Because that's the type of home I want my kids to grow up in.  That's why I'm learning magic and educating myself on witchcraft and the occult.   Because I know I'm a magical person and it's not a stretch for me to learn the craft of magical intention.  It's technology, plain and simple...it's easy for me to understand and get behind. 

I want my children to grow up in a magical home.  And the more I learn and practice, the more magical I feel myself, and the more enchanted and enchanting I am.  Energy and self-realization...that's the good stuff. 

Today I feel like SUPER WOMAN.

 I STILL BELIEVE.  I feel on top of the world right now.  Like I'm getting a grip and accomplishing things!! 

I feel like we're FINALLY as a family getting used to life with a baby!

Caspian is doing great...and so am I.  I really feel like I'm on top of things at the moment...and am figuring out a new sense of balance.

I've poured a ton of energy into my son the past few weeks in an effort to help him see how much I love him despite the new addition...

And it is PAYING OFF!  He and I went to Rainbow Falls the other day together, just he and I!  I fed the baby really well before we left, and made sure she was taking a good nap, and then left her with daddy for two hours so I could spend time with my son.  It felt incredibly unnatural, but as soon as Caspian and I got out together I realized how GOOD it felt to do something with someone who could walk and run and climb and explore...haha.

Rainbow Falls...

There's a beautiful woodland next to the Falls...and when I walked in the forest grove, it felt like I was entering a sanctuary.  There is an ancient Banyan tree there...and when I saw it I felt a hush in my heart and soul.  It was like going to church...these pics do not do that place justice.   It was hallowed ground.

It was an amazing experience I shared with my son.  I can already tell he is going to be my hiking buddy.  He just loves to spend time in nature exploring.

Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together, every chance we get...

Of course I am still mama to his very little baby sister too!  When we're at home, every time the baby goes down for a nap it's "Caspian Time..." and we wrestle and lay on each other and cuddle and it's just AWESOME!!   We are really coming together as a family now, it feels like...and he is starting to feel confident in the situation. 

Today I heard, "I love you mama," over and over again...

Our family is coming together.  Seraphina is a month old now!

I have noticed a change happening inside of me...I am being FORGED into a truly formidable woman.  There is something about being a mother that just makes you TOUGHER.  Stronger.  More resilient.   I think you get more of this the more time you spend around babies and children.  

I'm functioning pretty well.  I MAKE SURE to do 2 miles on the treadmill every single night, at a fast paced walk and incline.  I'm only one month post partum, so I wish I could do much more, but I'm taking my time.

And I've started writing again.  That's double plus good.  I have my mind back and it's sharp, despite the sleep deprivation...

Everything is coming together.

I'm one determined mama.

I AM THE PERSON I'M MEANT TO BE.

I BELIEVE IN ME. 

Welcome to Life with Two Kids.

Wow.  What to say.  Well, first off...initially I thought that having two kids wouldn't be much different then having one kid.  But it is.  Much, much different.  You learn a whole other set of skills when you have ANOTHER little human being relying on you, almost as much if not more then the first one.  Patience is at a premium.  It is VITAL to go with the flow and not have as many expectations.  It is super important (more then ever) to practice gentle discipline and tolerance for your firstborn.  You DO NOT want to get into a power struggle with the toddler while you're dealing with a newborn.  In fact I would say that's the last thing you'd want to do...when everyone is adjusting to life with two children. 

I'm learning all this through trial and error, by the way, which is pretty much how I do things in life. 

But when it comes to my children, the trial and error process can be harrowing.  Mistakes are made and all I can do is learn from them and move on and strive for even better next time.  Eventually though, it clicks and I get it down, I understand what to do.  I'm a quick study when it comes to the extreme highs and crushing lows of the parenthood journey. But to master this new dynamic, I have to go through this trial and error process.  It ain't easy. 

You see, with one child, my son...I thought I had it all figured out already.  I would go to sleep at night feeling like I knew what I was doing, and that I was an awesome parent and had my shit together.  Our days ran according to schedule, like a well-oiled machine.  Nothing jolts your sense of routine like the arrival of another baby.  Nothing makes you question your approach to parenting or life in general like the arrival of another precious child in your heart, and in your home.  And OH WOW.  Now I see I didn't have a clue.  Add a new person's energy into the mix, and you will see new sides to EVERYONE in your family.   Interesting new dynamics have been BORN!  It's interesting, thrilling and also yes, harrowing; that's the right word.  It's intense ups and intense downs and you feel like things are coming together and straightening out, only to have it all dissolve into absolute chaos when you least expect it.

It doesn't help that with a newborn, you aren't sleeping enough...so your nerves are already quite frayed.  

That just adds to the fun I guess.  

 I am learning new things about myself every single day. 

A day in the life...pictures of our today

Caspian and Seraphina

He loves exploring the banyan trees on the island...they are tree caves and he's like a little elf

Daddy Eros with baby girl

My mischievous little guy.  He's been a bit devilish lately...and LOVES his watermelon.

Waiting to see my midwife at her Pahoa clinic...Seraphina is almost 10 pounds now!  She put on 2 pounds in 2 weeks!

 Grandma Beechey and Caspian playing outside our house

I repainted my nails today.

Zion and Caspian playing with crayons

My girlfriend Mina enjoying the baby lovins.  <3

Hey! Shiva Shankara!! Ommm NAMAH SHIVAYA!!!

TODAY: I will ramble on about TODAY. 

As I navigate the blurry days of being a mom again for the second time, I find myself blooming into structure, order and self-discipline like never before.  I just NEED this, I NEED to be structured and in ORDER to be FREE and FLOW.     If life gets chaotic, the best way to deal is simply to become highly disciplined and in control.  Perhaps paradoxically, I am much more able to go with the flow of life and yield into growth and adaptation when I have myself firmly in check. When I am in check, when I am structured, I am calm and serene.  I am relaxed. 

The more kids I have, the more this self-discipline becomes crucial in order for my family and I to thrive to the highest levels of our beings.  

EVERYDAY SPIRITUAL ECSTASY= THE MOST IMPORTANT GOAL.  SOUL FOCUS, SPIRIT FOCUS.   I feel it in the daily in's and out's of caring for my two children.  I practice it in my thoughts and in my actions.  In my self-discipline there is peace. 

This FOCUS is so pristine!  And so unexpected!  When I was pregnant with Seraphina, I could barely think.  I had no mind.  It made me very uncomfortable, but I tried to keep the faith. In the end, I morphed into a FORCE OF NATURE.  It led me to exactly where I needed to be, to open the portal that would not only birth my daughter, but also send my kundalini through the roof, connecting me firmly with SPIRIT.  After the baby came ~ It's like there's a torrent ripped inside of me!  I feel so open!  So clear!  So focused!  The most powerful HIGH of my life has been giving birth and caring for babies.  There is nothing else which compares...and I've done a lot of mind altering things in my life history.  

IT'S ALL SO WORTH IT.    

I'm so thankful.  So much feels to have changed for me, INSIDE.  

There's more that happens to a woman then a baby when giving birth, that's for sure.

My darling Seraphina, who has become an incredible teacher already: 

Sleepy girl...she's having a growth spurt!  Starting to get chubby already. 

Caspian at gymnastics today with daddy and grandma, while mama and baby sister look on:

 Nursing two...hard to get a picture of all of us.  Mama is tired but happy.  <3 

I am beginning my journey to look for a kirtan/chanting group on the Big Island.  Kirtan and chanting has become the ultimate refuge for my heart and mind.   I pushed Seraphina out of my body listening to chanting.  It's music to my soul.  I need to find people who can do it with me and feel the ecstasy too.  I'm going to call my acupuncturist tomorrow.  I've heard that she knows about kirtan. 

I just feel it.  I feel it STRONG.  I need this.  I need this.  I feel power in this.  I love how it just builds...and Builds...AND BUILDS!!!!!  ENERGY FLOWING LIKE CRAZYYYY!!!