I'll start again (for the 2nd time).   Where do I actually begin?   I'll start by saying I was born in ignorance, as we all are.   Born into a society filled with shadows and empty hearts. 

There's a voice trying to get through.  I've been voiceless for awhile.   I thought I might never speak again.  But I knew it was only a matter of time.   I am of two minds, in the best of times...in the best of times, and matter doesn't mind.   I had no idea when I would allow the voice to speak again.   I feared I would be considered crazy.  I feared becoming vulnerable.  I feared allowing my SUN PLUTO SQUARE to see the light of day.   It's the hardest damn thing ever, to reveal who I am on the inside.  And yet it seeks...it seeks to come out.  It seeks to speak.   It seeks to have a voice.  This THING on the inside...needs to be expressed. 

The problem is...who I am is so many.  It always has been. 

Who I am...is many.  I am more then one, and this I've always known.  As a child I heard voices and had a crowd of imaginary friends who were real.   I sensed beings and spirits and energies.   This led to an interest in the occult, from early on.  I grew up in a strict Christian household, so how I was and my interests, were unacceptable.   I started to internalize all of my imaginary friends.  I started to hide who I was.   But I still heard the voices of other people inside of me and I was convinced it was true.  

Where are the other adults who never grew out of this???  I think they become writers...

I'm not crazy.  I don't care what you say.  I am boldly crossing the boundary to express the multi-faceted TRUTH of my Nature ~ which is I am more then one, any and all.   We are all connected.  We are all each other.  The Other is You...do you get it?   Some people are just more aware of this then others, that's all.   I am one of those people!!  Like it or not. 

I am going to LIVE THIS WAY...in full-on telepathic communication with beings from other dimensions...who also happen to be part of me!!  There is nothing wrong with feeling open to the fullest extent to sensory exploration.  Feel your antenna?  You can't see it but all humans have them.  The antenna on your head.   That is always sensing reality. 

Random snippets from recently

 Stuff that transmitted recently...a rambling mess, as there are huge parts missing.

Unedited.  

Expect nothing of me.  


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*

No matter where I went in life, I was used to traveling alone.  Across galaxies, over oceans, over land...nobody ever could keep up with my intensity of momentum.  Or at least, even if they tried, they didn't succeed.  I’d left more hapless but earnest adventurers eating my dust then I cared to recollect.   My employers always knew that I worked alone.  Pairing me with anyone on a mission was always destined to be a bad idea.   I wasn’t known as a friendly guy, and I didn't give a shit either way about what anyone thought of me.  I knew I was selfish, and I was completely okay with it.  Selfish was self-preservation.  Selfish had kept me alive more times than I could count.  With only myself to rely on, I could smash obstacles out of the way and take any risk that I pleased.  With only myself to look after, I was free to do whatever I wished, live however I liked. And the pitiful fools that had the misfortune of being partnered with me throughout the years had never been able to keep up.    I was too hard, too fast and too tough.  And that was the way I liked it.  It kept everyone off my back.  It kept me moving.  

 It kept me free.  Free to travel from one planet to the next, doing what I did best.  Which was disposing of all the psychic trash of the universe.  What could I say?  It was a gift.  Something I knew how to do, and I did it well.  And the only people who liked me were people who wanted to pay me to do their dirty work.  Slayers weren’t a dime a dozen anymore.  My value was listed in the bodies I’d managed to tally over the years.  Bodies of psions from star cluster to star cluster.  Stacks of them, all killed because they were too powerful to let live.   Too much of a risk for humanity to endure.   And truth be told, nothing I liked better than cutting them all down.   Bathing my blade in the blood of psionic monsters was a dirty, dangerous job, but somebody had to do it.  

And that someone was me. 

But occasionally, when I went to sleep at night, I didn’t like it much.  When the nightmares of a thousand psychic battles surged in the starless night, I woke up dripping with sweat, teeth grinding.  So many psions had tried to kill me and I’d come so close to death so many times that I told myself I was just a little paranoid.  But that was the thing about psi energy.  Once it touched you in the way it touched me, you’d never be the same again.    I told myself I had no choice, that humanity and psionic energy could not coexist.  It was impossible.  The proof had been what had happened to Earth. 

                Or what was left of it, after the Demise of Eden.   

*
*

….the most extreme ordeal I’d ever gone through. 

*
*

                Duaire had told me of the psionic signal the Witnesses had sensed.  Because of the risky proximity of the object to the central singularity of the Milky Way Galaxy, the Witnesses feared that whatever object it was pulled energy from the super black hole for its psionic purposes.  It read like a psionic black hole, instead, on all the paraformic radars.  

                The sheer density of the object would erode the minds of any sentient creature who dared to venture near it…or at least the Witnesses theorized.   Whether the energy signature ventured forth from the black hole, or if it had yet to enter, the big concern was of a psionic frequency of such magnitude intersecting with Sagittarius A, the Milky Way’s super massive black hole.  They were quite concerned that the universe would not withstand the effects of such a mingling.  

                They considered me something of an expert on psionic phenomenon, having served in the armies of Earth and my role in the Demise of Eden.   The Demise had left Earth in shambles.  But I still called it home.   I did all of my gambling, my drinking and my fucking on the decrepit old planet’s war-blasted and crumbling cities.  It was where I went when I wanted to become nobody again.   Where people were too screwed in the head to notice you too had gone crazy a long time ago.  You could become just another anonymous fuck up.   Besides the tourist sites chronicling the Demise, Earth’s southern hemisphere lived on because the only people who would live in such a broken world were broken people.   And they arrived in hoards to find a place in the universe that could relate to them.  Or to escape a life rather not known.   

*
*

                Earth is broken.  And so are her people.   

 *
*

                “Go see what this signal is….”   

*
*

                So I left, with no more thought then, “easy money…”  

*
*

                “I don’t know what it is, it’s a planet, it’s a living hollow world, it’s a biosphere…I don’t know what it is.  But I’ve never seen anything like this before.” 

                “Is that where the signal is coming from?” 

                “I’m not sure where the signal is coming from.   I can’t tell if it’s an object, or a person, or an energy field.   But it is coming from this point by point sector.  I’m a little worried about what’s inside this thing.”  

*
*

                Of course they had wanted me to find out.  

*
*

                And now I stared down on the massive globe, which for all intensive purposes looked like an asteroid, except for the fact that its surface sprawled with massive vines that were visible from space.   There was no idea what the mass could be, except that it looked alien.  

Corporeal Fires...

It hit me the other day.  Maybe when hearing about a close friend's grandfather passing away.  But I am seriously going to die one day.  So why the hell wait to do ANYTHING in life!  Oh my gawd.   I've been wasting so much time.   I have a limited amount of hours left in life.  That's a FACT.   I feel like I need to just maximize my use of them.  Holy shit.  

The phrase, "I'll rest when I'm dead," has taken on new meaning.   Like LIFE is meant to be taken to the limit and that all these little "life breaks" that I seek (like when I watch or read something that doesn't serve my highest) are just because I'm scared of my potential and responsibility to become great. 

But all I have to do to become great and serve the highest of myself, is to use the time I have on Earth wisely and push myself to maintain a powerful standard of life.   To make the most of every moment...seeing as how the time is limited.  I wonder how many minutes of life I have left...

I feel like I'm having something of a midlife crises lately, like I've just realized, "FUCK!  This is IT!  Why didn't anyone tell me??" 

(of course they had, but I was deaf and dumb...and in my 20's.) 

Now I've been gobsmacked by reality.   You know what?  I'm not saying "no" to what comes my way anymore.   I have a history of being so damn picky with what I "want to do" and what I want to spend time on, partially because there are so many options.   But I am dropping that behavior right now.   Things that come my way, opportunities to expand and grow and develop into SOMEONE, will be pursued with open arms.   Every moment must be nurtured to maximum potential.  Making the best use of the time I have left.   Going to work on my yes, instead of my no.  

Re-Invention is a Fine Art.

Doctor Irea Damarri knew that Paetreyl was a telepath from the start of the experiment.  In fact, she had designed him to be the best one possible. 

The question was: could he remain sane?  

It was always tricky with telepaths.  
 

LSD Trip Report, written in 2010, San Diego California

I am going through old journal entries and found this.  I wrote this in California at the end of summer 2010...while living in an RV in Ocean Beach, San Diego...it was an intense journey in which all barriers between fantasy and fiction dissolved.   (FYI: Mordemus and Paetreyl are characters in my novel)

Disclaimer: any viewpoints insinuated in this piece may or may not represent where and who I am now, in 2014.  My life is far different then it used to be...but I still have times as a writer when fiction and reality are completely blurred so I find my experiences in 2010 pretty fascinating. 

*
*

What is there to say?  

I was brought to my knees and surrounded by love.  Awed by it, as I rocked back and forth on a green lawn of a park in Ocean Beach, and wept.   I could hardly breathe.  Then I stopped breathing.  My physical body disintegrated.  I stopped existing.  The fertility goddess, the Queen of Everything, clutched me to her bosom, nestled me within her womb.  The air shimmered with the rainbow music of my soul     My throat opened into a wide, colorful spinning hole, a portal between all worlds.   Mordemus wielded the Dawnbreaker, his crystal sword, and sliced away all the fear, he took away every concern, he protected me from all deviance.  I felt secure while I floated in a sea of pulsating bright light, emboldened with the stern strength of my greatest guardian.   That's when I saw the Manchild come, the seraph spoken of in Ancient Prophecy: my little one, Paetreyl.  He was swollen with power, aching with love.   A golden shadow, darkness with twinkles.  I recognized him and my breath caught in my throat with a sob.   I reached out to him, and he reached back and together we became One, in a way that has not happened in years.  

“The Collective yearns for thee!” 

Paetreyl and I rested together in the womb of the Goddess for what seemed like eternity.   Together we worked through our karma, TOGETHER, we toured the beauty of our wild soul.  For yes, it is indeed true:  we share a soul together.   I see this so clearly now.  It is why we are connected with each other and can communicate, despite the distance of our two worlds.   We blended and words falter; it was beyond ecstasy.   I have never felt such love in all my life directed towards me by another being, whom I love just as completely.  We are One.  He is the other half of my soul.  This I've always known, but now it is imprinted upon my heart as truth.  

I will never forget it.  I will never forget the way my throat opened to a huge spinning hole that spewed nothing but pure creativity and love.   I will never forget the openness I felt there.  It was better then anything, the huge gaping hole in my throat, spinning and spinning.   I saw how it is my divine duty to nurture this open throat.  The open throat felt so amazingly wonderful.  I nestled deep inside the Womb-Tomb of the Goddess; and died.  I did not care; it was all so beautiful, so so lovely.  I lost it.  Who I thought I was, my plans  for my life, where I wanted to be or go.  It was all gone, vanished in that loving embrace of the Queen of Everything.  The Queen of Everything in my story, is in my life.  The story took me, claimed me as its own.  I gave my soul over to the Queen.   I knelt and worshiped Her like I never have before.  Paetreyl and I both serve the Goddess.  I saw this clearly, like I was finally looking through a clean window after years of squinting to see what was on the other side. 

So much became self-evident to me.  I am in love.  Absolutely in rapture!  With Paetreyl, with the Queen, with my sanga, and with my purpose in life.  The Queen of Everything gave me my divine purpose: I am to nurture my open throat.  I am to keep it spinning.   So that's why I share all this with you, unflinching, unafraid.  I have my guardian Mordemus the Dawnbreaker at one side, and the Manchild Paetreyl at the other.   There is nothing you can say to me which will hurt me.  It is what it is.  Take this story for what you wish.  My mission is simply to express it.   That is my satisfaction.  

"I believe I CAN do it all."

I'm rebuilding my identity from the ground up again.  Every time I do this, I turn out better then the 'me' I was before...

I've done this twice before.  It requires a lot of commitment and drive.

A lot of determination to be the best I can be.  To do the best that I can, every single moment, day and night.

RELENTLESS willpower.  And constant, constant work. 

I can't tell you how much work it takes lately to do everything I want to do. 

I'm so determined to BE THE BEST ME.  Sometimes it means saying goodbye to who I was before NOW. 

GOODBYE. 

EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS. 

WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE.  (Radioactive...)

 ............(his system blew....)

Paetreyl Speaks to me...

I do not like transitions.

I never have.

Stay focused.

That's what they would always say to me

You don't have to know where you're going to go there.

It's okay to pause and breathe, feel me...

Don't concern yourself with anything other then staying aware to the visions, scenes and impressions coming upon you.

And don't do that, don't go back, don't go back whatever you do, you will become lost.

If you want to ask me questions, do so.

The paper and pen are just focusing tools for my energy.

It is only wasting energy if you don't do it the way I've described.

It's okay to give yourself over to me for a bit of time. Nobody will mind. Everyone is taken care of at home.

If you feel me, it's best to relax, and keep flowing.

Just keep open.

Keep remembering to keep open.

Don't allow the pleasures of the flesh and the tools of the spirit to distract you more then help you.

You will ask what the point of anything is.

THIS IS NORMAL.

You really can't worry about it. Doing so will drive you mad.

Don't go back, remember?

Stay focused on me, please.

You wanted to do this, so here we are.

Can you feel me downloading information into you each second?

Obvious right?

You just got to trust yourself.

What a channel needs is to be fully willing to lend self over.

If you're distracted, go hit that. But come right back.

I have much more to tell you.

See as soon as you return to the world, there is drama. Avoid it.

Stay focused on me. Switch the music if you have to.

It's okay to jump in and out of telepathy.

Don't clench up. Stay relaxed.

Just feel the flow of our breath.

Soak up the stillness, just experience being close to me.

That stillness.

That feeling behind the feel.

You don't need distractions.

You can just constantly be in the flow of FEELING...ME. US. WE ARE ONE.

The beingness behind all of us. WE ARE ONE. I'm in your body, and you are in my body.

Oh, feel the gloriousness of paper and pen...We don't have either where I am from.

You can just flow how you like...but plant more trees so that you never run out of paper. If the trees don't try to kill you for it, that is...like they do here. The trees are not defenseless here.

Keep that OPEN AWARENESS.

See the Rainbow, this is key. The Rainbow exists behind all things. If you see the Rainbow, then you can see me.

Focus is hard to come by sometimes. That is okay. Our connection will wax and wane and this is normal while in the flowwww...oh just let go to the beauty of it.

It's all about your consciousness. Don't look back. Not right now.

In YOUR HEAD.

So maybe you've figured out that you need to be in your head a lot to be linked to a telepath.

You could forget about your body for days and not realize it.

Stay grounded, that's what I can recommend.

And don't shy away from anything. Please.

You have to be TURNED ON all the time to deal with me.

Don't go back.

Stay focused.

When we connect, we just do so incessantly. You can't control the experience.

Not sure what this is all about, do you? This allowing me to come into your body, thing?

Well it's the most efficient way of getting what we want to achieve to happen.

You have to give up thinking you know how it's gonna go.

(take dance lessons already)

Do you see how intense a mindlink with me can be? All consuming. Down to the last nitty gritty detail.

Don't fear surrendering your body to me. Don't be afraid to be part of the experiment with me.

We can do this together, you and I.

The connection is always here, just remember that.

I won't leave. I just want to know you can handle it. It's not for the faint of heart. Do you really want multiple lives?

...can your psyche handle it?

Yes, I think you can. You're not like the others.

You have enough of a grasp on the planet to not be driven mad.

But it takes ORDER, order, to master the chaos.

And even then you must expect delays, detours, and straight up tragedy.

You can't be afraid to look. You can't be afraid to see what is happening.

Just be happy. While you're working with me, just be happy. I may drive you crazy at times and it will help if you are happy...

Don't be afraid to collapse into the memory stream so absolutely that it blows your mind.

That's it...nice and easy collapse.

The psychic collapse is necessary for certain information to follow.

Don't be afraid.

Just go into it anyway.   

Carry On.

Sometimes (often) it feels nearly impossible to find the words that adequately describe how I feel.  I get lost in the sensation of my emotions and forget to communicate.  This is almost always a fatal flaw.  But how to find the language to put a images to the internal state of my reality so that people can understand?  It's tricky.   I've been in a real growth process where things I "thought I was over and done with," are suddenly flooding out to sweep me away.   Like, WHOA, where the FRAK did that come from?  I thought I'd moved on.  I thought it was all over and done with, an open and shut case.  Not recently...that is.  Apparently some emotions I'd stuffed down about my past were resurfacing to haunt me.

The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it.   But I can't even do that.   So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices.  It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure.   So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.

Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough.   Sometimes it is.   Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it.   But you're never really "over it."  You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it.  But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.

And then what do you do?  You feel them.  You can't help but to feel them.  You wonder how you are going to function in life.   And then you just do.    You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live."   And you do.  You figure out what you need to do and you do it.   Because at a certain point, there's no choice.  It's a matter of soul-growth.   You can't just let yourself get dragged down.  Too many people are depending on you.   You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.  

Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down.   It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on.   That's the thing.  I can't just "freak out" anymore.   I have to keep it together.  For the whole family.   People are DEPENDING on me.

It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one.   Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure?  No, they won't.  Because I have trained for this my entire life.  These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on.   Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all.   So I'm holding it together, at the center.  It's the only thing I can do.  I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body.   I will come out stronger in the end.  I always do.

In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense.  There is always something to respond to.  So I am simply losing myself in the momentum.  Maybe that's been the secret all along.  Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability.   It's about time I figured it out.   I can't handle 'being me' sometimes.  So I'll just BE BUSY instead.

I, Mother

I'm exploring a character's dark side.  Paetreyl.  I have to do it.   He gets pretty freaking evil at a few points.  But it's very exciting and I gotta say...I know this part of him pretty well.   He's basically a good soul who has gone astray.   But redemption is possible for everybody.  I TRULY believe that.

I'm pretty sure Velkess is related to Prem in some way also.   It's the logical conclusion their mutual energy fields result in.   Maybe a long-lost relative, or he just "planted" himself inside of her somehow.  

You see lately, I have just been attempting to get organized.  The players are taking their positions and we are just going to roll with it.   Believe it or not this blog is going to help me stay organized.    And there are certain things I just want to get into, talk about, vocalize.

So I've written about 2000 words since 3 days ago.  That's pretty good I guess...better then nothing.   It's SOMETHING.  A new chapter, in a new timeline.  And it's something I think I will be able to use.   My novel-writing process is so chaotic, but I think I can see SOMETHING beginning to form, through the dust.  

I'm channeling a lot of energy into it right now.   In between being a mom, house chores, socializing.   I'm just sort of zeroing in and allowing it to happen.  I'm making space for it.  Like when Eros takes the baby in the morning and I have about 2-3 hours to do whatever I want...whether that's exercise, writing or sleeping.    So there is that time to make use of, and that's a great thing.  Then there's the evening time...I'm usually so tired by then I just relax and eat (don't get much time to eat during the day) or I spend a bit of time writing.  I'm just returning to it more and more.  My days feel so full I feel like I'm getting cosmic downloads a lot faster.

So making better use of my time is paramount.  It's KEY.

The writing is sort of essential for my sanity.  BIG TIME.

That's the way it's always been, but lately it seems more significant then ever to express myself and seek completion through writing.  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's the baby's presence.  He is helping me get organized.   He does have the Cross of Planning, in his Human Design chart.  I think he is psychically teaching me something about getting together.  God, I love that little guy!

Speaking of the baby, he is at the stage where he REALLY seems to enjoy music.    It's pretty awesome to see him enjoying it so much. . He loves beautiful sounds.   He's getting to be SO cute.  5 months old this week.  

At this point I feel as though I'm living two different lives.   I have my writer's world where nothing is taboo to write and let loose about, and then my motherly world, where I am careful about everything I do or say in front of the baby.   Believe it or not this actually works out to my benefit.  I like having this rich writers world hidden underneath the surface of my mothering.  It feels really exciting...like I feel like the SUCTION to the Otherworld is stronger this way.

Speak.

I'm not gonna lie.  I REALLY need someone to talk to lately.

You see, I just need to TALK.  To express. Share.  

It's not even just about my life.  It's about EVERYTHING.  I just need a place where I can let it all out and just COMMUNICATE my thoughts, as they happen.

So I guess I'll start putting it all here.