Change.

I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

Activation Time

My best activations are always sudden.

That's good to remember.

it's SO GOOD to know that I can make spontaneous decisions...and have it be ok.

I have always been told my whole life that I have to have a plan...an agenda.

I'm just now realizing THIS IS NOT TRUE.

I can really just make decision to decision, spontaneously, impulsively, and have it all be okay.

I DON'T HAVE TO know how it will work out...I will just have faith that it will.

Random Thoughts

Within my neurosis, there is structure.

Within the dysfunction, there is function.  An order so high and precise it takes incredible awareness to grasp.  To the "outside," it seems like all disorder and chaos.  But inside, something regular and exact is ticking away.   It's Destiny.   And on the inside, there is only faith that ONESELF brings to themselves their perfect life.  It all seems crazy and insane.  But it's not.  There is a pristine order, a very obvious pattern, which would indicate regularity and that everything is on track.

This is who I am.  Someone who might seem unusual and chaotic.  I am "unexpected," in other words.   What does this mean~ It must mean I'm-- huh what?

I'm really getting into Paramahansa Yogananda again.  What a beautiful name.  He's the guy who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi.   I'm starting to believe in Ascended Masters.  Really.  I have a relationship with this man even though I've never met him and he's dead.  I believe he is a guru of some sort for me.  I "gell" with him.  I have so much love for the guy and appreciation for him.  You see it's all about SELF-REALIZATION with him.  And I totally dig it.   Yoga is a SCIENCE that allows one to tap into realizing and joining with ones divine godhood.  This Yogananda guy was such a loving man.  It's almost inconceivable.  He devoted his life to making his message from Source available to the masses.  I think I want to read Autobiography of a Yogi again.  Or another book of his.

Believe it or not, there is one particular aspect to Hawaiian life that is hella difficult.  Nothing like having people from the mainland visit you to rile up some residual feelings of longing for your friends and family.  You see, I usually detach myself from the "missing" part of myself.  The part that yearns to be with people I know from the mainland.   I can totally sever this desire to "miss" people, most of the time.  But sometimes, it pops up.  And when it does, it packs a pretty huge wallop.

My parents came, stayed for a short while, and then left.  I found myself feeling like it was hard to believe they were gone.  Damn, I didn't realize how hard it is to be away from your family before.  Ugh, this is always the time of year that gets hard for me.  I always wish I were on the mainland this time of year.  Last year I got terrible island fever.  But I had to push through it, because we ain't leaving yet.  Guess I will do the same this year.  Stay in my Hawaiian bubble.   Feed off the vortex of the island. 

To be honest, the mainland holds a little bit of fear for me now.  I've heard stories...of experiences people had when they went back.  How "different" it is there.  I dunno, been on the island over a year and a half straight.  It doesn't really feel that long.  But long enough to where I'm starting to believe this is the best place on earth for energy. 

IF you can handle it.  

Sometimes I wish I could get Paetreyl out of my head.  There's only one thing which pacifies him though, pesky muse. 

I'm learning just to flow with it.  
And let my perfectionism go.
It's really starting to drive me crazy.
Trying to be "perfect."

Paetreyl tells me I have to be willing to make mistakes. And this is true.  I am a 3/5 after all...martyr heretic. I have to plunge headfirst into something, make a mistake and learn from it, in order to get ANYWHERE.  This is a long process of trial and error.  But I guess in the end, it works.   The intention stays the same: of wanting to get it right the first time. 

The Earth is one singular entity.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we'll all be. 

Anyway, I'm going to start stockpiling food.  It seems like a good idea. 

I, Mother

I'm exploring a character's dark side.  Paetreyl.  I have to do it.   He gets pretty freaking evil at a few points.  But it's very exciting and I gotta say...I know this part of him pretty well.   He's basically a good soul who has gone astray.   But redemption is possible for everybody.  I TRULY believe that.

I'm pretty sure Velkess is related to Prem in some way also.   It's the logical conclusion their mutual energy fields result in.   Maybe a long-lost relative, or he just "planted" himself inside of her somehow.  

You see lately, I have just been attempting to get organized.  The players are taking their positions and we are just going to roll with it.   Believe it or not this blog is going to help me stay organized.    And there are certain things I just want to get into, talk about, vocalize.

So I've written about 2000 words since 3 days ago.  That's pretty good I guess...better then nothing.   It's SOMETHING.  A new chapter, in a new timeline.  And it's something I think I will be able to use.   My novel-writing process is so chaotic, but I think I can see SOMETHING beginning to form, through the dust.  

I'm channeling a lot of energy into it right now.   In between being a mom, house chores, socializing.   I'm just sort of zeroing in and allowing it to happen.  I'm making space for it.  Like when Eros takes the baby in the morning and I have about 2-3 hours to do whatever I want...whether that's exercise, writing or sleeping.    So there is that time to make use of, and that's a great thing.  Then there's the evening time...I'm usually so tired by then I just relax and eat (don't get much time to eat during the day) or I spend a bit of time writing.  I'm just returning to it more and more.  My days feel so full I feel like I'm getting cosmic downloads a lot faster.

So making better use of my time is paramount.  It's KEY.

The writing is sort of essential for my sanity.  BIG TIME.

That's the way it's always been, but lately it seems more significant then ever to express myself and seek completion through writing.  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's the baby's presence.  He is helping me get organized.   He does have the Cross of Planning, in his Human Design chart.  I think he is psychically teaching me something about getting together.  God, I love that little guy!

Speaking of the baby, he is at the stage where he REALLY seems to enjoy music.    It's pretty awesome to see him enjoying it so much. . He loves beautiful sounds.   He's getting to be SO cute.  5 months old this week.  

At this point I feel as though I'm living two different lives.   I have my writer's world where nothing is taboo to write and let loose about, and then my motherly world, where I am careful about everything I do or say in front of the baby.   Believe it or not this actually works out to my benefit.  I like having this rich writers world hidden underneath the surface of my mothering.  It feels really exciting...like I feel like the SUCTION to the Otherworld is stronger this way.

Stand back

I want to be a better person.

I think everyone does...right?

When I look at Caspian, I am LITERALLY FILLED WITH SUBLIME JOY.  It's like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I just want to be the best I can possibly be, for him...and yet I'm not even sure what that means.  I have this big hang up with seeking perfection, in myself and others, and then getting upset when this ideal is not realized.  Of course it's NEVER realized.  Nothing (and nobody) is perfect. 

What I've realized with my novel is that I just gotta let it FLOW

I'm obsessed with getting it perfect...but what does that even mean?  Perfection is unattainable...isn't it?

I'm not gonna try to be someone I'm not.  I'm not some super-hero.   I'm not a super-mom.  Though you can frakking bet I try to be.

In my day-to-day, I'm working on cutting out all curse words and using supplements like FRAK and SHIZNIT and SHISTA.

Frak and Shista sound like a pair of people I haven't met yet.  Maybe a pair from the Otherworld. 

In my HEAD...my REALITY...there is always two (or more) of me.  

This world is a dimension and in certain places...there are tunnels that you can vortex into, that send you through other dimensions.

Right now our dimension is colliding with another one.  That's why things seem so crazy and messed up.

I'm pretty sure that it's more important now to BE YOUR HIGHEST SELF then ever.   The land of dream and activated thought consciousness are becoming One.  That means all of our thoughts, have an immediate and dramatic effect on our landscapes.   Everything is way more intense.  And some people can't handle it.

I have days like that.  Where I just collapse under the pressure of being AWESOME all the time.

The goal is to invigorate the soul and get going.  Don't stop.   Just let EVERYTHING be how it's supposed to be.  Which is an BEING OF PERFECT LIGHT.   That's how everything is without the ego of thought.

I've realized that to be a perfect being of light, you basically have to get empty.  You have to stop having the ego of thought.  I don't think thought can be anything but egotistical, by default.  It's what creates MAYA, this labyrinth of illusion masquerading as reality.   DIRECT EXPERIENCE, and emptiness...is what you need.  You don't need thoughts to be that being of light.  Instead the PRESENT MOMENT, no thoughts, being beingness...is what it takes.   Especially when you are being artistic or creative.  

Here's my special challenge lately:  not FORCING anything.  When I speak of this, I mostly think of my immediate reality.  I can't force anything anymore.  I'm letting it all go, and flow.  My reality is more hospitable to me by far when I LISTEN TO MY SACRAL and not try to make anything happen.

WHEN i TRY TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN...bad things happen.  I'm serious.  I literally cannot manifest shit.   I mean, shiznit.  

So instead, my plan is just to let go of everything and wait to have things to respond to.   This is the actual strategy for a Generator of sacral authority with spleenic definition.  I work best with impulsivity, in other words.  "Things to respond to," can mean anything.   But usually from my experience, it's like a little "jump of attention," in my sacral.

Having a bunch of thoughts in your head can really mess up the sacral readings.   Emptiness.  Yes, that's what I need.  I actually understand that now.  In order to write this story, I need to be EMPTY.   I get it.

I didn't realize that, I guess.  I thought writing the story of a cosmic telepath meant I needed to  be as thoughtful as possible.  Which, in my case, is bordering on insanity.   But NO.  The truth, is that to be able to cope with all the information said telepath is throwing at me, I need to be as EMPTY as possible.  That's the true definition of being a channel...empty, allowing through.  

And not WORRYING.  Not controlling anything.  Letting go...letting God.

Vanishing into the Void.  

It being = Life

Being a mom, I'm forced to let go more.  About EVERYTHING.  It's just all affected.  I just have to let go about everything.  Otherwise I get the fear. 

I'm glad I took time off from blogging for a little while.  Basically what I realized...is that this blog is for ME.  I just need to talk about it.  Just spill it all out in one place.  And there's a lot going on, trust me.  My brain is a big jumbled mess and I need to just express in order to unravel it.

Wait, strike that.  Reverse it.  It's not a mess.  It's a sense of order and precision so pristine and glorious that it requires a very high level of mindfulness to grasp. 

What hits me where it hurts it that it will never be perfect.  My sense of perfectionism is really a crippling factor in my total enjoyment of life. 

But I just keep striving.  I just keep striving to do it better. It being = LIFE.

The goal is to orchestrate a catalyst event.  Catalyst being = manifestation at a high level of dream value.

I can't initiate it instantly.  My friend is a Manifestor...she can just...DO things.  It's eerie how manifestors can just decide to Be something, or go somewhere, and they are.  I've seen it happen over and over again. 

I never saw myself as a housewife.  I NEVER did, sorry.  I NEVER saw myself as a mother.  It's what my sacral attracted to me, 100%.   And that gives me a perimeter to go by.  The sacral is TOTAL TRUST.  The sacral ATTRACTS life to me.

So basically, as a generator, all I do is set the tone.  Dial in the frequency.  All the energy comes from the sacral.  So responses made in my gut will have the most impact on my decisions in life...if I am not all wrapped up in my head.

Anyway, you really have to let go more, when you're a mom.  To be honest, I sort of believe in God now.  Like REALLY REALLY believe in God.

Something about the experience of Motherhood is helping me experience God, divinity.  I'm tearing up at the thought.  It's because it's such intense motivation to be the best person I can be.  Put myself in a very high state of consciousness, because what's happening with my son feels like a very big deal.  Parenting is terrifying, people.  Awesome and terrifying. 

What I want to attract to myself...is a writing career.  I think that would be the tits.  So, the more I write, the more I'll attract that.

Somehow being a mother is preparing me to complete some sort of great work.   Because my time is limited, I'm learning how to make it a priority.  

"The path seems twisted, until you know the way."
~Ramoth 

Archetypal Dream

you have to be BRAVE in dancing with the archetypes.

And the SELF...is everything. Everywhere. There's no stopping it...it's ALL.

I'm getting so much ORGANIC influence for my novel in Hawaii. Basically, I'm just going to MAKE IT WORK. I don't have much time to dilly dally around with it anymore. That's just what I sense. If I want to maximize it's effectiveness, it needs to circulate. Now. It's so challenging to expose people to it though, in its infancy. Especially now that I am also caring for an infant. And quite frankly...I want to hide it away.

But it's time to just throw down and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever it ends up as, WHATEVER, as long as it ends up whole. That's truly the message I am getting now. WHOLE.

And you know where wholeness has to happen FIRST, right? Me. It has to start with me.

So I have to listen. I have to HEAR what the muses are telling me, truly hear them. This means listening to my sacral. My sacral responses moment to moment are important. I have to heed them. They will be my guide in this experience of COMPLETION. In each expressive flow, focus on the sacral will be maintained. We will try this out and see what happens.

And YOGA will be practiced. Much, much yoga. Freedom will also be practiced. Letting go...letting God.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?