Azrael's Birth

3rd child was born this month, after an epic year of traveling! 

Birth story coming soon. 

Azrael Sage Robin Rose
born April 11th, 2016
4:06am

2/4 Splenic Projector
Right Angle Cross of the Maya. 

Don't mess with naptime...

Nap times are sacred, 'round these parts.  If, by the grace of the Divine, both kids go down for a nap at the same time, I use the time to completely disconnect from the world.  I don't do work.  I shut off my phone and lock my door.  I sit down and just incubate, just for a little while.   I savor the moments that I can just BE, without someone needing something of me, without me having to DO something 

It is during these moments I contemplate going to live in a cave one day, by myself.  But I'll probably wait until my kids are older...so that I can ask if they would like to come with me.  Oh wait...

My life revolves around trying to get my baby to nap but her brother keeps waking her up over and over again.

I can GUARANTEE that if the baby is ALMOST ASLEEP, Caspian will run into the room and start talking really loudly right next to her ear, being rambunctious and disruptive.  Doesn't matter how many times I ask him to whisper or leave her alone while I am trying to get her to sleep, doesn't matter if I have given him an activity to enjoy or some snacks to eat, or invite him to read a book quietly.  I can GUARANTEE that if she is ALMOST asleep, he will wake her up.

EVERY DAMN TIME. 

You'd think that he would WANT the baby to go to sleep, because then he would get ALL of my attention and one on one time...but NO.  It doesn't work out that way. 

Family Update in Pictures Fall 2014

It's a Rainy Day

I have no idea if it's because of where I live (in Hawaii, with no family and like 1-2 friends total, who I rarely see), or just because it's the way motherhood is...but raising children mostly on my own is probably one of the most lonely and isolating things I've ever done. 

That's the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, for me.  Again, I don't know if it's because I live in Hawaii that makes it this way, or if it would be different if I lived on the mainland.  On the mainland there are way more mom's groups I could join, especially if I lived near a larger city.  I could make more connections.  More reasons to leave the house everyday. 

I really struggle with connecting with people here on the island.  Or if I do connect, they leave and move away next week or something.  Many times I've made "playdates" with moms only to have them cancel on me, or blow me off.  There isn't much consistency. 

I'm a social being...my kids are not to the age where we can have a long chat about life...I try, I really aim every day to have insightful conversations with my children (even if they can't respond, as in Seraphina's case), and I even calmly explain exactly where I am in life, but Caspian just looks a bit confused and says, "What are you talking about, mama?" Haha.  They're so little.  And I cherish it...I don't want it to end...and yet I'm so lonely for more grown up companionship. 

Each cihldhood stage has its rewards, I guess. 

Because I am the main adult that they interact with day in, and day out, it's very important that I have my shit together.  So I have to be ON and strong and positive for them, a LEADER.  That's what a good mother is.  A leader for her children.  And I am getting better and better at it.   I just didn't realize that being in this role for years on end and being the main one these little beings look up to would involve such penetrating loneliness.  

I LOVE being home with my children.  But I also feel lonely and isolated like never before and don't know if it's normal or not, if it's because that's what motherhood IS, or if it's because I don't have any local support and am raising these kids mostly by myself. 

Gonna try it, do it.

Currently in the process of re-organizing my sleep schedule in an effort to get more sleep...

Goal: up at 5:30, in bed by 10:30. 

Seems totally doable...right??? 

I'll be in bed by 10:30 tonight so hopefully 5:30am won't seem too early, considering it will be more sleep then I've gotten in months...

Successful Time Management Gets My Rocks Off

I completely kicked ass tonight in regards to being wise about my time and energy.  We had a family dinner first of beans, rice, avocado, salsa and lettuce, baths were on schedule for both kids, then story time for Caspian and nursing for Seraphina, then Caspian went to bed and then Seraphina went to bed.  Eros and I each put the kids to bed, then switch, so each kid gets time with both of us. I cleaned my kitchen, washed dishes, and tidied the house to prepare for a busy day tomorrow, took a moment to relax and did email correspondence and then hopped on the treadmill.   My foot is healed (huzzah!) so I ran and walked (2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking) for 45 minutes.  Then I went upstairs to my private room and did an hour of intense yoga.  Niice.  After that, I relaxed in the bath with a kombucha and grapes reading about the pagan sabbats and various family rituals.  Afterwards I took my vitamins and  NOW...I'm in bed.

I did work on my novel today during the children's naptime, but not much got done.  It's okay though.  I'm tightening up the evening routine that has formed so that I can make sure I give it the time and energy it needs to thrive.   The goal is each day to become even more efficient and productive with my time.

And now I must try and sleep.  The next week is gonna be intense, as Eros will be gone pretty much all day, every day.  Gone a lot more then usual. This mama needs to be ON and at the top of my game.

Growth is Intense

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga.  It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's.  What a TIME of LIFE that was!!  I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away.  I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too.  3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice!  That was the STUFF. 

What changed?  I changed.  I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own.  I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me.  I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow.  At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers.  I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus.  My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer.  I felt so close to him.  I love him.  I didn't process his death either.  Not until years later.  I don't immediately process death.  It has more of a "slow-release" with me.  Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years. 

My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back.  I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage.  I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego.   I was friends with homeless people and junkies.  I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time.  I wanted to party party party.  I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind.  And I did.  I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed.  Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic.  It was a very EXTREME time of life.  I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties.  I had loads and loads of fun.  Maybe too much.  It was just so exciting...and also a bit soul-draining...to feel so free...

Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there.  I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers.  It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children.  I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms.  Many of them were my age.  At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother.  In fact I thought that path was "closed to me."   But it actually did plant the seed. 

When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.  

A woman who wants it all...

I do.  I want a big family, and a big career as a writer.  Is it possible?  Can I pull it off?  And can I do it all at once?  Originally after having Seraphina, I thought I would put off pursuing publication for my writings until after I was "done" having kids.  But realistically speaking, who can really say they are DONE having kids, until they simply lack the ability to have them anymore?  I do love motherhood and being a mom, but I also know one of my life's purposes is to become a published novelist.  I've known this since I was a very small child and could hold a crayon.  I knew it all through elementary school when I wrote stories for fun during study time, and I knew it when my grandfather first let me experiment on a typewriter.  I knew it in high school and I knew it in my raging 20's, and I know it now, even though I spend most of my time reading story books to kids instead of writing...

But I HAVE been writing and working on things, in between my household responsibilities.  There is real progression happening.  I've heard of women having successful businesses or writing careers with 1-2 kids...2 kids doesn't seem that much different then 1, honestly, aside from just more work.  But I imagine the scale really starts to dip differently once you get to 3 or more children.  There is less time and energy to devote to oneself the more kids you have.  Between the daily routine of managing a household of children, plus housework, plus bodily maintenance, plus waking up all night to soothe restless kids, finding the time to write is tricky.  It's tricky with 2, and I imagine with 4+ as I'm desiring, it would be even more difficult to find time to put in novel time.  HOWEVER, there is opportunity in what I am envisioning also.  Children are creatively inspiring to me in a big way.  They drive me to work harder and faster then I would otherwise.  After all, if you only have 15-20 minutes here and there throughout the day to write or work on your novel, you better take that time, or ELSE it won't get done.  So it seems like there is a potential to be ruthlessly efficient and much more consistent of a writer, the less overall "time and energy" you have...

I'm looking at the bigger picture of life when I consider my ideal family size, and although it's not "up to me" really, how many kids I end up with, I know that my vision of the bigger picture includes a bigger family.   It's what feels "RIGHT" for me.  I don't want to sacrifice this vision for a writing career, but this dream of mine to get my novels out there is very important.  I need to accomplish what I was born to do. So all I can do until the "time is right" to expand my family OR seek publication, is WRITE.  That's all I can do.  To be a writer, you have to WRITE.  It's really very simple...and there are little pockets of time here and there to make it happen. Usually at naptimes or at night.  This is why I'm not really keen on going to bed before 12/1am (despite a 6am wakeup, or sometimes earlier)...I have too much STUFF TO DO.   I can sleep when I'm dead.  That's the friggen truth. Between having babies and staying up late to carve out time to write...I doubt I'll truly sleep for a few years at least.  But it's fine. 

LET THE MANIA CARRY ME ONWARDS.

I'm excited too, because I can SEE my work maturing.  The entire novel has been elevated and is aging like a fine wine.   My recent life experiences are just making me that much more on point with every word and with what I'm aiming to convey and the message I want to share.

So can I still have a large family and be a successful writer?  YES.  I don't think the two are mutually exclusive at all.  In fact I think the roles of being a stay at home mom to a bunch of kids and a science fiction novelist will start really complimenting and feeding the other once the kids are out of preschool age.  I think one role will actually continuously inspire and motivate the other.  I think I CAN do both at once...

And I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE.

There are more ways to get energy besides food, sleep and caffeine...SPIRIT can keep me going far past all physical boundaries.  Ruthless determination comprises the essence of my soul.

Bitches.   Watch it get done. 

So mote it be. 

Make it so. 

The More the Merrier.

I'll just come out and say it:  I want a big family.  I was the oldest of five, and it feels natural to want the same.  My mom and dad parented in a much different way then I do, and we had some rough times as I was growing up (I really started clashing with my family when I was a teenager) but overall, now that I'm an adult and a parent myself I really think it's cool I have so many siblings and I appreciate the fact that my mom gave me so many.  I love how in a big family there is ALWAYS something going on!  There is NEVER a dull moment and that's what I love about it.  There is always loads of energy and excitement in a larger family.   I sort of miss that.  And god forbid, when my parents pass on, it will be great to have my brothers around still. 

I absolutely love my two children and feel SO blessed.  But I can't help but feel like there are "people missing" or something...when we're all chilling out in the living room together it doesn't feel "crazy enough," like there are important energetic components missing, like there are supposed to be more people.  And sometimes I "sense" the energy of these unborn beings circulating around and I feel that more babies want to be born into our family.

Sometimes I don't know if it will be a good idea to keep having kids...Seraphina's pregnancy was HARD.  But now that she's here, I understand that I don't have to love or enjoy pregnancy to go through it and make a beautiful child...the part that I LOVE, is the labor part, and the baby part, and the raising the child part.  I feel this strong strong urge to keep having children, keep making babies, as long as I can, as fast as I can.  It could be instinct, it could be biology.  But I know I'm a good mom and I feel like I would love to be blessed with more children.  As long as I feel like I could adequately provide for their needs and care for them the way they deserve.

I asked Caspian if he wanted me to have more babies and he looked at me with bright wide eyes and said an enthusiastic, "YEAH!"  He just loves them.   He adores his sister more then I ever thought he would and is such a great older brother.  His astrology is Pisces sun, Aries moon and Cancer rising...I feel like he is formulated well by the stars to enjoy being the oldest of a big family. 

Sure sometimes there are hard days as a mom.  But you know what I figured out?  You  have hard days as a mom whether you have one child, or two children, or five children!  Being a mom in general, regardless of family size, is just HARD sometimes.  But that's definitely not deterring me from considering several more children.  The joy and the satisfaction outweigh all of that.  I would love to have six kids total...I think that would be just perfect. (Eros says four is his max...we'll see...haha)  Obviously I got a late start compared to a lot of women.  I had my first child at 29, second child at 31.    I originally thought I didn't want to have any more babies beyond age 35, but I think I'd like to spend my 30's having kids.  It feels like now is the time for that sort of thing.

Also we are a family who is obsessed with living sustainably and in harmony with the Earth.  So we have wondered if having more kids would be a drain on the environment.  But I don't think it will be as long as we keep focusing on a sustainable lifestyle...the house we are planning to build will be on solar power, well water, and we will do our best on growing and procuring our own food.  Our dream is to have a farm with fruit trees, vegetable gardens, root cellars, goats and chickens.   We feel the allure of living a simple lifestyle living off the land and our own resources, using natural materials in building and recycling everything we can to spare the planet.  I feel like this sort of lifestyle accommodates a large family well. 

In my 20's, pre-motherhood, when I was enjoying the perks of being self-serving, free and partying, taking LSD and other psychedelics on a regular basis and smoking loads of weed, I never in my WILDEST dreams thought I would one day desire to have a large family.  I thought for SURE I would never have kids.  I didn't want them, had no drive for any kids at all.  I never wanted to be a mom in the slightest.  Until I came to Hawaii and I met a lot of beautiful, goddess-like mothers who nonetheless were still themselves.  It was inspiring to me.  Moms who were exotic dancers, moms who were spiritualists engaging in ceremony, moms who hula hooped with rings of fire.  I realized that life didn't stop when you became a mom.  I started to recognize that for a lot of women, that's when life actually began...

Understanding that I didn't have to be a "conventional mother" to be a good mom, was a world-moving realization for me.  I could still be my weird, quirky, and often wild self, and ALSO be a good mom.  I didn't have to "lose myself" to be a mom...I instead could FIND myself as a mother. 

The Big Island of Hawaii worked its magic upon me and my partner...we suddenly felt like we would try to have a baby.  It felt like it was "time."  I spoke my intentions at a Goddess Women's Circle one night at Cinderland ecovillage.  In witness of my spiritual sisters, I articulated that I had found a heart-desire to be a mom.  The next month I was pregnant! 

When Caspian was born, it was like lightning struck me.  It was like ALL MY LIFE I'd been searching for this experience, but not knowing it's what I wanted and needed to feel complete.  Once my son arrived, I just loved motherhood, I loved the sense of purpose it gave me, and I loved how I always had something to do.   I loved loving my son, more love then I ever dreamed of.  And I started to want more children when he was around 9 months old.  Due o some health issues, it took more then a year to conceive our next baby...our darling Seraphina.  She was so worth the wait for me to get healthy first.  I am just in awe with love and gratitude for her. 

My health issues are resolved and I am probably healthier now, nutritionally speaking, then I've been in years.   After Seraphina was born and I held her in my arms, that's when I knew, in my bones, in my uterus, in my cells:  "I want way way more of these."   This time around I started feeling broody almost immediately after the baby left my body.  I don't know why, but it is a physical yearning to keep building my family.  I want Caspian and Seraphina to be close in age with their unborn siblings.  With my health being so good now and with me feeling so on top of everything, I really don't want to wait long to start trying again for #3. 

I want to give my children the lifelong connections and wild excitement of a big family, like I had.  

So we'll see what happens.  I would be pregnant again already if I had my way, but Seraphina needs to grow more first.  She's so new still!  I know people might think I'm crazy to desire pregnancy again with a newborn!   But it is what it is and I am who I am, and I feel like I am suited to having little ones close in age.   I feel like I understand sacrifice, and the temporary nature of these precious early years.  I feel like I have developed enough patience and tolerance to enjoy having more little ones running around.    But I know I can't get pregnant again just yet.  Pregnancy hormones can take your milk supply away and I don't want to do that to my little baby.   But as soon as I feel like she's ready (probably when she starts eating solid food) I think we'll revisit the idea of #3...

In the meantime I'll keep giving endless thanks and gratitude for these precious blessings.  <3 

CONSISTENCY IS WHAT MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.

Sometimes it's not about talent.  In fact, I'd say that very very few people in life get where they want to be creatively by talent alone.  It's about BEING CONSISTENT and determined and not giving up.
   
I want to get real and think about my personal goals for every day for a moment, things that I want to do because they make me feel positive, powerful and pretty. It's important to me that I am healthy, happy and fulfilled in life, because that's what makes me a better mother.

There are a few goals I would like to accomplish every night, if my children allow me too:

1.) an hour of exercise.  This is pretty important to me.  I feel like I need to remain physically fit and able for anything else to be optimal. Right now at 5 weeks post partum, I do an hour or so of power walking and usually do about 3.5 miles at an incline and burn 500 calories.  It's good enough for now, as my pelvic floor is still healing.  I work up a serious sweat every time. 

2.) a half hour of meditation.  This is crucial for my spiritual path and to develop more mind and thought control, as well as cultivate the clarity of inner vision.  I think it's possible to tap into some truly amazing creative insights while meditating.  But more then that, I want to really get good at visualizing my intention for magic to work in my life.  I want to keep activating and expanding the range of my 3rd Eye. 

3.) two hours of novel work.  That would be the minimum.  This could be the tallest order yet, especially while I have a newborn who is enjoying more wakeful periods lately.  What I've been doing lately is writing while doing my power walk on the treadmill.  That works and helps me get ideas down at least, and a little more is done each night.  Steady as she goes.  But I want to have a solid chunk of time sitting down to lose myself in the work.   And I am getting there.  There is a routine forming.

Developing a solid ROUTINE is the lifesblood of my existence right now...and especially helpful with a toddler and a baby.   If the toddler knows what to expect next, life is so much easier.  Of course you need to leave room for spontaneity (part of the routine is getting out everyday for us, to a cool place for fun) but overall, a schedule helps my toddler feel secure.  The routine we had pre-baby was blown to smithereens when the baby arrived.  But our family does so well with a little naturally formed structure that we have swiftly developed into a new routine.  I can FEEL order arising from the chaos, and it feels good.  Routine and structure allows for CONSISTENCY in our lives...which allows me to get stuff done and meet personal goals, as a mother and as my own person.

So far I've been very uncompromising towards getting exercise in.  My partner is home at night so after Caspian is in bed and Seraphina fed well, I can give her to him to watch over while I do my workout on the treadmill.  THANK THE GODS for the invention of the treadmill!!  It's a little like being a gerbil on an exercise wheel, but with small children at home, it helps to get the job done.  I didn't really get into exercise after Caspian's birth, for months and months, so I feel positive that I'm getting the jump on it this time.  Power walking is surprisingly effective.  And it's something I feel I MUST do every day.  It's easy, just get my sneakers on, hop on the treadmill and get going.  But I am ready to start going to yoga classes again too.  Eros says he will watch the kids for me while I go to a class...I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life willing to do this.

A happy mama is a happy family = truth.

Writing-wise...things ARE progressing.  Since giving birth I have had so many illuminations in regards to my world and novel.  New aspects of the biosphere coming to life within my mind and the rambling of characters and personalities in my mind urging to me to tell their stories.  Details left and right up and down are becoming revealed to me and it's very exciting.  Also I have noticed that a lot of "multidimensional data transfer" comes to me through my son, Caspian.  I get ideas for my novel through random things that he says or does.   I was hoping for this when I became a parent, I was hoping to be inspired creatively by my children and it is happening.  It makes being a parent even more rewarding, to know that my children are helping me in their own way to be a more inspired writer.  My children are great teachers...the greatest I've ever had.

A Magical Household

I am studying "magic." I have really embraced the straight-up study of magic in the past few months.

Magic is simply, "technology of intention."  

Certain colors, elements, stones, herbs, scents, statues, etc, even down to the time of day or month, are all used to create a sacred space between worlds for this technology of intention to take effect.  You use physical tools to create a spiritual result...that's the beauty and the fun of it.  And then you use your inner vision to bring it forth. 

I get so excited when I decide to do a ritual or spell and I start collecting the herbs and tools that I need in order to attract the result that I want.  Just the act of procuring each sacred item to be used in the working of the ritual or spell helps give power to my intention and makes it even more magical. 

I was skeptical for awhile about all this, until I started casting spells and holding ritual while pregnant with Seraphina.  The result (my ecstatic birth experience with her) was, I believe, a direct result of my intention and the work I put into attracting the type of birth experience that I wanted.  In fact I actually went into labor an hour after finishing a 3 hour long ritual and ceremony with Eros within a sacred circle.  It couldn't have worked any better.  A 10 hour long ecstatic labor and birth...I look back now and it seems so very magical, the way it all happened.  (the story of this experience is stored under the BIRTH tab, on the right)

I do wonder if my post-birth bleed (I had a  medium PPH immediately following delivery) was caused by an oversight on my part in my magical intention and preparations...like maybe I used the wrong scent or possibly walked the wrong direction in the circle...maybe I hadn't cleansed the space completely and "something" got in and caused trouble...but that's okay, because it still worked out perfectly.  If not for the bleed I might not have been able to spend more then a week with just Seraphina and myself upstairs in my bedroom together.  And that was just pure BLISS.  Just me and her...for days and days.  Perfection...and maybe that's exactly what I wanted.  If I hadn't had the PPH I might have pushed myself to be on my feet way sooner.  Instead I was forced to rest, and just 'be' with my baby girl.

My goal now is to really fortify my household into a supernatural space of protection and power.  There are all sorts of things you can use to do this, all types of rituals and spells and little trippy tricks that you can sort of "embed" into the house landscape itself to make it a super protective and nurturing place.  Because that's the type of home I want my kids to grow up in.  That's why I'm learning magic and educating myself on witchcraft and the occult.   Because I know I'm a magical person and it's not a stretch for me to learn the craft of magical intention.  It's technology, plain and simple...it's easy for me to understand and get behind. 

I want my children to grow up in a magical home.  And the more I learn and practice, the more magical I feel myself, and the more enchanted and enchanting I am.  Energy and self-realization...that's the good stuff. 

Today I feel like SUPER WOMAN.

 I STILL BELIEVE.  I feel on top of the world right now.  Like I'm getting a grip and accomplishing things!! 

I feel like we're FINALLY as a family getting used to life with a baby!

Caspian is doing great...and so am I.  I really feel like I'm on top of things at the moment...and am figuring out a new sense of balance.

I've poured a ton of energy into my son the past few weeks in an effort to help him see how much I love him despite the new addition...

And it is PAYING OFF!  He and I went to Rainbow Falls the other day together, just he and I!  I fed the baby really well before we left, and made sure she was taking a good nap, and then left her with daddy for two hours so I could spend time with my son.  It felt incredibly unnatural, but as soon as Caspian and I got out together I realized how GOOD it felt to do something with someone who could walk and run and climb and explore...haha.

Rainbow Falls...

There's a beautiful woodland next to the Falls...and when I walked in the forest grove, it felt like I was entering a sanctuary.  There is an ancient Banyan tree there...and when I saw it I felt a hush in my heart and soul.  It was like going to church...these pics do not do that place justice.   It was hallowed ground.

It was an amazing experience I shared with my son.  I can already tell he is going to be my hiking buddy.  He just loves to spend time in nature exploring.

Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together, every chance we get...

Of course I am still mama to his very little baby sister too!  When we're at home, every time the baby goes down for a nap it's "Caspian Time..." and we wrestle and lay on each other and cuddle and it's just AWESOME!!   We are really coming together as a family now, it feels like...and he is starting to feel confident in the situation. 

Today I heard, "I love you mama," over and over again...

Our family is coming together.  Seraphina is a month old now!

I have noticed a change happening inside of me...I am being FORGED into a truly formidable woman.  There is something about being a mother that just makes you TOUGHER.  Stronger.  More resilient.   I think you get more of this the more time you spend around babies and children.  

I'm functioning pretty well.  I MAKE SURE to do 2 miles on the treadmill every single night, at a fast paced walk and incline.  I'm only one month post partum, so I wish I could do much more, but I'm taking my time.

And I've started writing again.  That's double plus good.  I have my mind back and it's sharp, despite the sleep deprivation...

Everything is coming together.

I'm one determined mama.

I AM THE PERSON I'M MEANT TO BE.

I BELIEVE IN ME. 

Hey! Shiva Shankara!! Ommm NAMAH SHIVAYA!!!

TODAY: I will ramble on about TODAY. 

As I navigate the blurry days of being a mom again for the second time, I find myself blooming into structure, order and self-discipline like never before.  I just NEED this, I NEED to be structured and in ORDER to be FREE and FLOW.     If life gets chaotic, the best way to deal is simply to become highly disciplined and in control.  Perhaps paradoxically, I am much more able to go with the flow of life and yield into growth and adaptation when I have myself firmly in check. When I am in check, when I am structured, I am calm and serene.  I am relaxed. 

The more kids I have, the more this self-discipline becomes crucial in order for my family and I to thrive to the highest levels of our beings.  

EVERYDAY SPIRITUAL ECSTASY= THE MOST IMPORTANT GOAL.  SOUL FOCUS, SPIRIT FOCUS.   I feel it in the daily in's and out's of caring for my two children.  I practice it in my thoughts and in my actions.  In my self-discipline there is peace. 

This FOCUS is so pristine!  And so unexpected!  When I was pregnant with Seraphina, I could barely think.  I had no mind.  It made me very uncomfortable, but I tried to keep the faith. In the end, I morphed into a FORCE OF NATURE.  It led me to exactly where I needed to be, to open the portal that would not only birth my daughter, but also send my kundalini through the roof, connecting me firmly with SPIRIT.  After the baby came ~ It's like there's a torrent ripped inside of me!  I feel so open!  So clear!  So focused!  The most powerful HIGH of my life has been giving birth and caring for babies.  There is nothing else which compares...and I've done a lot of mind altering things in my life history.  

IT'S ALL SO WORTH IT.    

I'm so thankful.  So much feels to have changed for me, INSIDE.  

There's more that happens to a woman then a baby when giving birth, that's for sure.

My darling Seraphina, who has become an incredible teacher already: 

Sleepy girl...she's having a growth spurt!  Starting to get chubby already. 

Caspian at gymnastics today with daddy and grandma, while mama and baby sister look on:

 Nursing two...hard to get a picture of all of us.  Mama is tired but happy.  <3 

I am beginning my journey to look for a kirtan/chanting group on the Big Island.  Kirtan and chanting has become the ultimate refuge for my heart and mind.   I pushed Seraphina out of my body listening to chanting.  It's music to my soul.  I need to find people who can do it with me and feel the ecstasy too.  I'm going to call my acupuncturist tomorrow.  I've heard that she knows about kirtan. 

I just feel it.  I feel it STRONG.  I need this.  I need this.  I feel power in this.  I love how it just builds...and Builds...AND BUILDS!!!!!  ENERGY FLOWING LIKE CRAZYYYY!!! 

Life as Four ~ Ganapati Om!!!

We are a family of four, at last, two adults and two kids.  So far the transition has been going pretty well.  There has been some challenging moments, especially the first week after the baby arrived, as I had my first taste of juggling the needs of two kids, and was so enamored with my baby that I could hardly focus on anything else.  That first week post partum, I remained safe and tucked away in my Cave, pausing from babyland only to interact and nurse my 2 year old son when he came in to visit wit his daddy.  I don't think I would have done it any differently.  It was exactly perfect to just sit there with my baby alone, she and I, except for occasional visits from the rest of my family and guests curious about the new arrival, people bringing me water and food, etc.  I am so so thankful Seraphina and I had that crucial time to bond together exclusively in the first week of life.  Hours and hours spent those first few precious days snuggling, Seraphina asleep on my body, both of us naked.  Skin on skin.  We got to know each other, and are still learning. 

She was fussy the first few days, and that was stressful.  I realized that every baby is sooo different with what they like and I couldn't seem to soothe her which troubled me.  But after my milk came in full force (and holy moly, do I have a lot of milk this time, thanks to nursing two kids!) she settled into a baby who is pretty happy most of the time. 

 Seraphina is a very strong and sturdy baby.  Even Roxanne my midwife commented on how good she could hold her head up from birth.  I was pretty amazed, as I remember Caspian being pretty floppy for a long time.  Not her.   She is also a hugely curious soul.  She is forever bending herself around and around to look and gaze at the world.  She spends hours a day alert and taking in reality with wide eyed awe.   All she wants to do is look around.

Caspian is delighted with his sister.  He proudly tells people that he has a little sister, loves to lick her soft head with his tongue (yes lick) and when she cries he tells her, "it's okay, baby!"  I'm starting to get that heart-warming feeling that I've heard parents speak about when seeing young siblings interact.  The first week or two, yeah, it was a bit harrowing!  Caspian seemed SO big and so wild, compared to my sweet new baby.  But I did some research on helping the older sibling adjust, and retrained my mind to see Caspian as he IS: still a very very young person, still little.  I am not falling into the trap of making a big deal over him being a "big brother" anymore, because doing that seemed to give him uncertainty.  Instead I just aim to pour love into him as much as possible and nurse him as much as possible with Seraphina.  This is working.  They are bonding.

He always asks to hold and touch her. 

Nursing 2 kids = tandem nursing = it's a bit difficult at times because you start to feel "touched out," like there is always someone on you, nursing, touching you.  But I know it's the best for Caspian.  In fact he really started taking a shine to his sister once I started nursing them together and at this point in time he seems happy and like he's adjusting well.  So I'm happy to do it.  He loves to touch her hands and her belly while they nurse together.  I am really enjoying seeing their relationship develop and blossom.  Now that I'm feeling healed from the birth, and pregnancy, I'm becoming FUN MOMMY again with him, which he is really enjoying.  I am too.  I deeply missed being fun mommy.

With tandem nursing sometimes one nurses then falls asleep on you, while the other one keeps nursing.   Many times a day I have both of them on me, but also make space for solo nursing sessions. 

I've had my mom here for weeks 2/3 of post partum, and she has really helped ease the transition.  But I am very ready to be on my own now.  I feel ready to do this thing with my party of four.

To carry me on my journey as a mother of 2 and to keep me on the right track mentally/spiritually, I've been listening to nonstop chanting and kirtan. Dave Stringer, Rasa, Deva Premal, the Gyuto Monks of Tibet.   It's awesome.  SO awesome.  It's really invigorating my soul and gives me motivation to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO in order to be the person I'm MEANT to be for my kids.  I got such a soul-treatment during my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that I'm finding it very easy to just fall into doing the things that are **RIGHT** for me, that WILL build me up to be not only the person of my dreams, but someone whom my children can look up to.

 I've been reading.  Not just fiction, but yes, fiction...delicious fiction.  But also STUDY, reading majickal texts, learning how to cast my intention and attract what I want out of life.  It worked perfectly the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  It helped center me repeatedly in the last weeks of pregnancy and prepare me for the coming of my second child.  It helped me rebond with my mate, and to create a beautiful birth.  Studying these texts and giving the breath of life to my spirituality, allowing it to rise within me once again, has allowed me to have the courage to stop indulging in behaviors which I do not find noble or worthwhile.  Quitting my Facebook account was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.  I don't want to share myself with the government, or with people who would spy on me simply to steal my energy for their own use.  And I don't want to waste precious hours of life on the internet.  I want my children to see me reading.  I want my children to see me studying, with the goal of growth, ALWAYS. 

Meditation, focus, intention, praise, gratitude.  These are the words of my post partum life.  I am rising up but I do not forget where I have been.  I have the calm serenity of KNOWING where I am going, and it is beautiful.  My vision is clear and I am approaching the apex of my being, the mounting crest of destiny.  My children are helping me generate this reality.

I am blessed.

Tripping on kids

There's something about looking at your own kid that can just make you trip out hardcore, stone sober.  

Especially now that my son is talking, it's just crazy.  Today he counted to 7 out of nowhere.  We were like WTF...we haven't even worked with him on numbers yet.  Where did he learn that?  

I'm stunned at his intelligence on a daily basis.  He can totally be reasoned with about almost anything.  

Becoming a Warrior despite the sadness and loneliness inside.

It's hard to know what to say, as I already regret putting my "personal life" in this blog.  But it is what it is, and I swore when this blog began that I wouldn't delete anything.

I am feeling very different then a lot of people and like most folks don't understand me at all.  The experiences the past year have changed me irreversibly.  I am thankful for these changes, as I feel like I have become a better person inside.  At the same time, I HAVE changed, and it's truly like nobody gets me now.  I continue my life with solid determination, unwavering focus and drive, and a sadness inside.  The sadness never really goes away.  I guess it is just part of me now.  The important thing is that I stay determined and NEVER GIVE UP.  That is the most important thing I can do for myself in life.

I am a mother, but I am also a writer.  I am also someone deeply interested in health and how it relates to food consumption.  I am also into fitness and exercise, and wanting a powerful yet beautiful body.  Balancing it all is challenging for me.  Motherhood is the main game right now, but writing my novels is a close second.  And to make this engine work properly, it has to be given the appropriate fuel.  Sadly the fuel I was giving myself for years thinking I was doing the best thing for myself (a whole foods mostly raw vegan diet) ended up really screwing up my entire body.

Miscarriage after miscarriage, hair falling out, horrible skin problems, tooth problems.  My health was failing and fast.  Thank god for my body protecting me by miscarrying my last baby, otherwise I never would have broken through to the realization that my diet wasn't working for me anymore.   It's sad to say but I am thankful that I lost that baby, because if I hadn't I would not have had the motivation to change my ways and my health would have just continued to decline.

I'm on a good healthy path now though, and am getting stronger each and every day.  I am eating a high-plant paleo diet...I eat animals now and feel 100% okay with this.  My health and the health of my family is the most important thing to me.  If something isn't working, I gotta change my path and I have.  So now it's just time to stay determined and focused on the goals I have in life and watch  my health grow.  So far I've been very pleased.  My energy has exploded with the dietary change and I've been working out nonstop, biking 10 miles a day among countless other exercises.   I'm really hoping to see some very big changes in the next few months but I know I gotta give myself time to adjust to this big shit in a new direction.

I still find myself harboring an inner sadness at times.  I don't know if it's because of the miscarriages I've suffered this year, the fact that my partner and friends are never emotionally available for me, the fact that I live on an island away from everyone.  The fact that I just seem to be "forgotten about" in this world...I'm "just a mom..." I'm "just a mom" who is striving with all my might to write this story that constantly wells within me.  I've done so much work on it the past few years and I feel like the end is near...I think I could finish it soon.  I gotta put in the time though and the only time I have available is at night, when I'm at my most tired.  So I quaff the caffeinated tea and hope for the best, just knowing that I have to keep hammering away, have to keep going, keep going, keep going, and NEVER give up, NEVER, until it is DONE.

I don't feel connected with people anymore.  I just end up feeling used.  People love to use my energy in various ways.  I have always just accepted this throughout the years, as I do enjoy feeling "useful..." but after awhile, at the end of a long day, a long YEAR, a long SEVERAL YEARS...you just sort of want to be appreciated and valued for who you ARE, now what you can energetically provide people.  :(   It's tough because I find myself being a "support center" for other people so often that I feel like that's all I'm good for...very few people are supportive for me when I need them.  And I'm not the type to ask, anymore.  I'm just not.  I've learned that in this world, I must stand alone.

It is not an easy thing.  But I am determined and resolute in my ambitions to be the best person I can and I have gotten VERY good at self-care over the past year.  I have learned how to nurture myself and nourish myself and pamper myself in as many ways as I can because the world sure as hell won't be doing that for me.  I have to carve out space for myself and I have to be strong-minded about doing so.  I have to be strong-minded about giving myself everything that I need in life, otherwise I will just wither away into nothing.  And I'm not like that, anymore.  I'm not going to just fade away, or yield to what other people want for me.  I am going to RISE UP and consciously create the existence that I WANT for MYSELF and my children..  I am going to keep building myself up, stronger and stronger and higher and higher, until I am shining so bright that I blind anyone who looks my direction.  

I am, at my heart, a WARRIOR.  I have a warrior's spirit.  HATERS BE DAMNED.

So I don't expect people to understand me.  I know I'm unusual.  And I do feel that inner sadness.  But you know what?  That bit of sadness inside me is fueling my fire and helping to sustain a growing intensity and drive.  NOPE I don't need support.  I have to stand on my own.  I also am not open to allowing anyone to drain me for energy anymore without an equal exchange.  I don't have the energy to spare for those types of one-sided pity games; I don't want one-sided friendships and I want to attract only resilient strong people in my life from this point onwards.

So that's what I have BECOME.  I am strong, determined and focused.  I will achieve my vision.  I will experience superior health and happiness.  I will live my dreams.

Enter: Neviar

So here's what's going on: Neviar has come into play. Yep, he's in the mix now, for better or for worse.   He started talking to me, and Kevin told me to use him.  USE HIM.  So I will.   It seems like with his presence in the story so many things are becoming clear. I NEEDED Neviar.  I just didn't realize it.  Kevin wants me to write about him so I will.   Neviar is bringing A LOT of good shit with him, including helping integrate and fuse Plantasia with Earth better, new perceptions of Plantasia, and new twists, turns and information to flesh out my plot with. I'm not QUITE sure how he fits in yet, but he DOES fill a very basic NEED of the story so well that I'm not going to argue against it. I'm just gonna flow with it. Because that's what I've learned to do. As torturous as it is, sometimes.

Plus it's downright hilarious at times to witness Neviar and Paetreyl interacting. Paetreyl is very psi and Neviar is very anti-psi and . So it's extremely fun sometimes to watch them play off each other.

It's also bringing attention to another group I need to highlight and develop: the WITNESSES.

They've been around for awhile, but I haven't acclimated them to Plantasia yet. It's a damn process getting everything figured out. I'm just doing my best to make it all work. I HAVE GOT TO. I am just FEELING like I have to kick into action and spend every waking moment with my novel. Except I'm still a mom of course. Still, every chance I get, I'M ON IT. At least sitting here with it...fathoming it...writing it, if it comes...

And SOMETHING always comes, that's the thing.

I am OBSESSED. I guess you kind have to be obsessed to write. But I am OBSESSED. All I want to do is work on my novel. It's all I want to do. This makes mothering difficult at times.

And I know my son should be my primary focus, and he IS. It's just that I am OBSESSED. All I want to do is work on my novel, and live in my characters mind. SERIOUSLY. It is taking SERIOUS EFFORT to keep myself grounded on “Earth” right now. I'm barely functioning as it is. All I want to do is work on my novel. So I do it every chance I get. But it's not enough. It never is. There is ALWAYS MORE.

I need to get this project done like you don't believe. I NEED TO. I feel it like a physical pain at this point. It actually HURTS ME if I'm not working on it. I constantly feel like I need to work on it. NOW. ALWAYS.

But I can't always. :( And it really really drives me nuts at times.

I strive not to resist it, and just stay in the moment with my beautiful son. He often gives me fresh inspiration. It's just that I have this other part of me too, an equally strong part, desperate to be expressed as soon as possible. So I am a multi-faceted being.

Finishing this novel is just something I need to do. NEED TO. I need to like I need air. If I don't do it, I am in utter suffering. It's just something I FEEL in my GUT. A signal has gone off big time. Like a gun going off. Like an alarm. Like a snap of the fingers. I gotta do this thing. I need to.   

Carry On.

Sometimes (often) it feels nearly impossible to find the words that adequately describe how I feel.  I get lost in the sensation of my emotions and forget to communicate.  This is almost always a fatal flaw.  But how to find the language to put a images to the internal state of my reality so that people can understand?  It's tricky.   I've been in a real growth process where things I "thought I was over and done with," are suddenly flooding out to sweep me away.   Like, WHOA, where the FRAK did that come from?  I thought I'd moved on.  I thought it was all over and done with, an open and shut case.  Not recently...that is.  Apparently some emotions I'd stuffed down about my past were resurfacing to haunt me.

The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it.   But I can't even do that.   So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices.  It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure.   So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.

Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough.   Sometimes it is.   Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it.   But you're never really "over it."  You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it.  But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.

And then what do you do?  You feel them.  You can't help but to feel them.  You wonder how you are going to function in life.   And then you just do.    You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live."   And you do.  You figure out what you need to do and you do it.   Because at a certain point, there's no choice.  It's a matter of soul-growth.   You can't just let yourself get dragged down.  Too many people are depending on you.   You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.  

Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down.   It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on.   That's the thing.  I can't just "freak out" anymore.   I have to keep it together.  For the whole family.   People are DEPENDING on me.

It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one.   Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure?  No, they won't.  Because I have trained for this my entire life.  These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on.   Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all.   So I'm holding it together, at the center.  It's the only thing I can do.  I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body.   I will come out stronger in the end.  I always do.

In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense.  There is always something to respond to.  So I am simply losing myself in the momentum.  Maybe that's been the secret all along.  Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability.   It's about time I figured it out.   I can't handle 'being me' sometimes.  So I'll just BE BUSY instead.

Getting Streamlined

Balancing everything in my life as a new mom is super difficult.  There's dietary considerations, and fitness considerations, and creative must-work-on-my-novel-or-go-insane considerations, and social connecting considerations, and spiritual awareness considerations.  Basically everything that I used to like to work on for myself. The only difference is that now I have a baby.  I'm just trying to balance everything in my life, to get everything that I want.  I want to be an awesome amazing mom, and the thing is, it's a skill that you seem to hone over time.   You start off pretty good, but there is the potential to be a truly awe-inspiring mother if one keeps working on it, if one keeps working to do the very best that they can, to be the best person they can be.  Let's be honest: the mother holds up the entire family.  Maybe not all mothers.  But a mother who is truly in her element, running on pure intuition and instinct, pretty much supports the whole brood, unless she is not supportive. 

I think I will only get better and better at it.  Every experience I've had thus far has been a teacher.  And believe it or not, being a good mother is fantastic practice for novel-writing.  The two inter-relate in a few very key areas: particularly patience, and persistence.   The thing is, I am studying what it's like to be a mother in detail, at the moment.  I've discovered what it takes to be a good one, or at least, am in the process of discovering.   This information is creative, and can be translated into other activities for a better reading at how to be the best in whatever field one chooses.  I am studying every moment of my day, and every experience I have gets filtered through the "novel-writing lens."  

I am just going to be flowing with it and giving it all up to God.  I think that's the key to doing great at anything: just giving it all up to God.   Like, "whatever," I don't own it, it's not mine...it's just coming through me to splat on the page.   You truly start to understand that you are just a vessel.    And I'm learning how there is NEVER EVER a spare moment when you're a mom.  SERIOUSLY.   That's one thing that's dramatically and completely different from when I was childless.   I had LOADS of time to kill.   I was bored all the time.  I wasted loads of time just doing nothing.   Now I'm NEVER bored.   Every moment it seems like I'm doing something for some reason for someone.  It's just busy, busy, busy.   I can only imagine how busy it must be having multiple children.  I only have one.

The point is, this "busy business," has really encouraged my engine to just be ON very frequently...when energy is always flowing, it's easy to get things done.  You just do them, because you don't have time to think about it.   This constant flow goes into all things, and creatively, I'm focusing on writing stories.    But because I am so new at time management to this degree as a mom, I'm having to learn as I go how to STREAMLINE my life, and make it so refined and in sync that everything just HAPPENS.  You get there.  I can feel myself getting there.  All I know is that motherhood is making me BETTER.  I FEEL it.

And I have to be BETTER to write my novel.  I'll be honest...it's a clusterfuck.   Dear God.  I am not sure what to do with it anymore.  In fact I am 90% sure I need to start allowing other people to read my work.  Because if I don't get some feedback, I may go insaner. 

Especially because lately, the ideas are just flowing in.  And I seriously don't know what to do with them all.  So I just write down the ideas, so that they don't disappear altogether.  I know I need to get organized.  And that's another thing that being a mom is helpful with.   If you strive for balance, everything gets organized.  But the balance needs to be there, and that's what I'm working on recently.  I want everything to be in sync, in harmony.

I'm a chaotic person.   It's just how I am.  But it doesn't really bother me, to be honest.   Not if I am doing everything I'm supposed to do to make my soul happy.   And when mom's happy, everyone in the family tends to be happy.   That's what I'm getting at...it's important for me to do all the things that make me happy, AND be a badass mother to my precious son.  And if I get that all in sync and in the flow of it all...I'll be psyched.

You just keep flowing, just keep busy.