Don't mess with naptime...

Nap times are sacred, 'round these parts.  If, by the grace of the Divine, both kids go down for a nap at the same time, I use the time to completely disconnect from the world.  I don't do work.  I shut off my phone and lock my door.  I sit down and just incubate, just for a little while.   I savor the moments that I can just BE, without someone needing something of me, without me having to DO something 

It is during these moments I contemplate going to live in a cave one day, by myself.  But I'll probably wait until my kids are older...so that I can ask if they would like to come with me.  Oh wait...

Delicious, scrumptious control.

Sometimes it hits me...I fucking live in Hawaii. 

I'm not sure what to do with this information today.  

Anyway, I've been an emotional wreck the past three days, and on Sunday, I decided to run 5 miles and did it in an hour.   It was the best run I've had in YEARS.   Of course I know other people could run 5 miles faster.  But for 3 months post partum...not so bad.  

So there's that.  

Hard to say what's going on with me.   But I feel so moody lately.   It could be because I've started my moon cycle again and I'm experiencing the usual hormonal ups and downs of a regular female cycle. 

I just feel like throwing myself into things.   I feel wild.   The running is really helping me work out some emotional issues.   It's the feeling like I just want to push myself physically to have a sense of control over my reality.   Running helps me feel in control. Point blank.   Because if I can run, I am conquering myself, and if I do that, then I can conquer the world...

Anyway.  I have a lot on my mind.  Not sure where it's all coming from.   But it makes me feel like working my body to the extreme to take care of it. Oh, endorphins.   Where would I be without you? 

It's a Rainy Day

I have no idea if it's because of where I live (in Hawaii, with no family and like 1-2 friends total, who I rarely see), or just because it's the way motherhood is...but raising children mostly on my own is probably one of the most lonely and isolating things I've ever done. 

That's the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, for me.  Again, I don't know if it's because I live in Hawaii that makes it this way, or if it would be different if I lived on the mainland.  On the mainland there are way more mom's groups I could join, especially if I lived near a larger city.  I could make more connections.  More reasons to leave the house everyday. 

I really struggle with connecting with people here on the island.  Or if I do connect, they leave and move away next week or something.  Many times I've made "playdates" with moms only to have them cancel on me, or blow me off.  There isn't much consistency. 

I'm a social being...my kids are not to the age where we can have a long chat about life...I try, I really aim every day to have insightful conversations with my children (even if they can't respond, as in Seraphina's case), and I even calmly explain exactly where I am in life, but Caspian just looks a bit confused and says, "What are you talking about, mama?" Haha.  They're so little.  And I cherish it...I don't want it to end...and yet I'm so lonely for more grown up companionship. 

Each cihldhood stage has its rewards, I guess. 

Because I am the main adult that they interact with day in, and day out, it's very important that I have my shit together.  So I have to be ON and strong and positive for them, a LEADER.  That's what a good mother is.  A leader for her children.  And I am getting better and better at it.   I just didn't realize that being in this role for years on end and being the main one these little beings look up to would involve such penetrating loneliness.  

I LOVE being home with my children.  But I also feel lonely and isolated like never before and don't know if it's normal or not, if it's because that's what motherhood IS, or if it's because I don't have any local support and am raising these kids mostly by myself. 

Holy moly.

Damn, I'm emotional tonight.  Seriously crying about everything.  Finding it hard to get on top of the wave this time.  Letting it just crash over me.  Colliding with the wall of water that is my Soul. 

Finding my CORE again.

Well, this is exciting.

I've been doing yoga lately.  It's been excruciating because I'm so out of practice.  I seriously have to psych myself into doing it hours before it actually happens.  Everything has to be perfect.  My mat must be freshly clean and I must have a spacious quiet area to do it in.  Seraphina must be recently fed and content and Caspian sleeping soundly. 

So I've been getting back into practicing for just over two weeks now.  Off and on...I'd do it one night and then skip like 4 days, then do it again.  Always short sessions...no longer then 25 minutes, except for the one time I did it for an hour at a studio.  Today is my 3rd day in a row on my own to do yoga...and I'm thrilled to say that it's starting to feel GOOD now, and exciting, instead of just plain tiring.  I did about 60 minutes of yoga tonight and it was effective. 

Yoga is another one of those things that I do at night when the kids are sleeping.  I hurt my foot last week so running (though I did push through the pain a few times, just because I'm dumb like that) is out of the question.  But YOGA...wow.  YOGA is becoming more awesome by the day.  I'm starting to FEEL my body in a way I haven't truly felt it, in a long long time.  Tonight especially was the first time in ages I actually made METAPHYSICAL CONNECTION with my CORE.

After a recent baby, this is great news and very exciting.  It reminds me of how thrilling it is to feel capable, balanced and poised in a muscular and graceful yoga body. 

I love having something to work towards in a physical sense.  Your body is your most important fashion accessory.  I can wear pretty clothes and makeup, but if my body isn't being actively worked on, I just don't think I look good.  However, even a short workout or yoga session every day is enough to lift my spirits and make me feel at peace with how I look as a 31 year old mom of 2.

CONFESSION:  I feel like during Seraphina's pregnancy, I REALLY dropped the ball.  I was doing pretty good with exercise and diet until I had a bout of unexplained spotting (blood) at 21 weeks pregnant.  It brought back memories of miscarriage experiences in 2013.   Needless to say I became terrified and extremely anxiety ridden.  I started feeling really sick again and nauseous.  I was afraid to work out, really, and I had people telling me that I should just sit around and gestate and eat what I want, due to the spotting.

I REGRET TAKING THAT ADVICE EVERYDAY, in the post partum period.

YES, I was pushing my exercise too hard while pregnant.  100's of squats and lunges, plus weight lifting and biking, a day.  But just giving into fear and stopping all exercise completely (for the most part) was really really not a good idea.  I regret listening to all those people who also made me feel even more anxious.  I went from being reasonably fit to completely sedentary, pretty much overnight, thanks to the fear of the unknown spotting.  The reason for the spotting was never discovered.  It was a very hard time during my pregnancy.  Hindsight is: I should have at least kept up walking and yoga.  And for GODS SAKE I should have kept my standards for food really really high.  I really slacked off, especially in the third trimester.

Well, I'm about 2 months post partum and in SHOCK at what just a few months of not sticking to my exercise and diet standards while pregnant has done to my body.  I seriously wonder WTF happened.   Transparency: I started pregnancy at 130 pounds exactly, fit as a fiddle with a tight bod, and I'm 163 right now and pretty flabby.  I'm working HARD to get my body back...as hard as I can at 2 months post partum recovering from a sedentary time of life.

Anyway I've learned A LOT from that pregnancy experience. Notes for next time:  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you not to work out and instead says you should sit on your ass while pregnant.  You can at least walk and do some yoga.  NEVER listen to ANYONE who tells you to eat whatever you want while pregnant.   It is 5x harder to take the weight off later then it is to put it on...keep your food standards HIGH, even if you don't feel like it. 

The thing about my body is that I have European bloodlines.  I'm Scottish and Welsh and my body WANTS to be round, especially with the hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding.  I'm not a woman who shrinks and loses lots of weight due to breastfeeding.   I'm breastfeeding two kids right now, and it hasn't done crap for weightloss.  What HAS seemed to help is regular consistent and intense periods of exercise and a super duper clean and careful diet.  My entire adult life has been like this, even pre-pregnancy.  I'm not a girl who can eat whatever and be thin.  Nope.  If I want to be slim and fit, I have to WORK AT IT.  It takes a lot of discipline. I have to make clean and healthy eating and consistent exercise a daily priority, in order to achieve the results that I want.

I think it's like that for most people.  A great muscular and fit body won't just fall out of the sky.  You have to make time in your life for it. 

Anyway...YOGA has been nice to add into my workout routine.  I can feel my core activating, my hips loosening, and my entire body being restored to a sense of balance...

And because babies are still sleeping and I still have some time to myself tonight before I need to tidy up the house, I'm going to do some weight training.  :-D  Right now. 

"I won't stop when I'm tired, I'll stop when I'm DONE." 

I want...I want...I want...

Writing this from the treadmill, but kind of having an off day.  I feel like yelling, "why doesn't anyone care about me???!!!"  I just feel a bit unsupported and on my own in life but whatever....that's why I sweat it out every night.  If I don't feel like running (or can't, in case of an injury, like I've been dealing with recently) I just do some yoga or weight training. 

To be honest, the only time I start to feel a shadow of some post partum depression is if I don't exercise.  I ABSOLUTELY need to work out every night, or I just don't feel that great and kind of defeated.  But if I work out, and really get sweating, I end my day feeling like I accomplished something after all.  Exercise helps me stay empowered and focused, which is pretty crucial to my process...basically it helps keep my brain working too.

Tonight I edited and "tightened up" about 9000 words of my novel...basically fine-tuning.  I'm editing chapter by chapter to make sure everything is super smooth...I haven't done this yet for MOST of the "stuff..." buuutt...it's been something I've been needing to do for a long time so that I have a better awareness of "where I'm at..."  The entire thing (book one) is about 130,000 words.  And NOT DONE YET.  Drives me mad.  So I'm working towards DONE right now.  A painstaking and meticulous editing eye is part of this process. 

So I don't know if this is due to being post partum, or just driven to make the most out of my night and "solo time," but I have been staying up later and later.  It's sort of crazy right now...I'm lucky if I go to sleep before 2:30am in the morning...Caspian gets up at 6am, sooo...I am pretty much a perma-zombie.  I can't seem to get to bed before 1am now.  Once in bed I just lay there and think and mull over things.  So since that seems like a waste of time I just stay out of bed doing things until like 2am while Seraphina sleeps downstairs hanging out with me.  Then I take her and myself up to bed and....yeah I still just lay there sleepless...

I wish I didn't need to sleep.  I really do.  I have a lot of stuff I'd like to do.  I'm getting more and more tired though.  And it's not because of my baby this time!  Seraphina sleeps pretty great in the evening.   She will go up to 5 hours without a wake up the first part of the night.  But it's just my unwillingness to sleep that's the problem...I just need to make the most of this child-free time right now.  I have a lot I need to accomplish in life and can just sleep when I'm dead. 

I want a fit body and I want a clean house and I want a finished novel. 

CONSISTENCY IS WHAT MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.

Sometimes it's not about talent.  In fact, I'd say that very very few people in life get where they want to be creatively by talent alone.  It's about BEING CONSISTENT and determined and not giving up.
   
I want to get real and think about my personal goals for every day for a moment, things that I want to do because they make me feel positive, powerful and pretty. It's important to me that I am healthy, happy and fulfilled in life, because that's what makes me a better mother.

There are a few goals I would like to accomplish every night, if my children allow me too:

1.) an hour of exercise.  This is pretty important to me.  I feel like I need to remain physically fit and able for anything else to be optimal. Right now at 5 weeks post partum, I do an hour or so of power walking and usually do about 3.5 miles at an incline and burn 500 calories.  It's good enough for now, as my pelvic floor is still healing.  I work up a serious sweat every time. 

2.) a half hour of meditation.  This is crucial for my spiritual path and to develop more mind and thought control, as well as cultivate the clarity of inner vision.  I think it's possible to tap into some truly amazing creative insights while meditating.  But more then that, I want to really get good at visualizing my intention for magic to work in my life.  I want to keep activating and expanding the range of my 3rd Eye. 

3.) two hours of novel work.  That would be the minimum.  This could be the tallest order yet, especially while I have a newborn who is enjoying more wakeful periods lately.  What I've been doing lately is writing while doing my power walk on the treadmill.  That works and helps me get ideas down at least, and a little more is done each night.  Steady as she goes.  But I want to have a solid chunk of time sitting down to lose myself in the work.   And I am getting there.  There is a routine forming.

Developing a solid ROUTINE is the lifesblood of my existence right now...and especially helpful with a toddler and a baby.   If the toddler knows what to expect next, life is so much easier.  Of course you need to leave room for spontaneity (part of the routine is getting out everyday for us, to a cool place for fun) but overall, a schedule helps my toddler feel secure.  The routine we had pre-baby was blown to smithereens when the baby arrived.  But our family does so well with a little naturally formed structure that we have swiftly developed into a new routine.  I can FEEL order arising from the chaos, and it feels good.  Routine and structure allows for CONSISTENCY in our lives...which allows me to get stuff done and meet personal goals, as a mother and as my own person.

So far I've been very uncompromising towards getting exercise in.  My partner is home at night so after Caspian is in bed and Seraphina fed well, I can give her to him to watch over while I do my workout on the treadmill.  THANK THE GODS for the invention of the treadmill!!  It's a little like being a gerbil on an exercise wheel, but with small children at home, it helps to get the job done.  I didn't really get into exercise after Caspian's birth, for months and months, so I feel positive that I'm getting the jump on it this time.  Power walking is surprisingly effective.  And it's something I feel I MUST do every day.  It's easy, just get my sneakers on, hop on the treadmill and get going.  But I am ready to start going to yoga classes again too.  Eros says he will watch the kids for me while I go to a class...I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life willing to do this.

A happy mama is a happy family = truth.

Writing-wise...things ARE progressing.  Since giving birth I have had so many illuminations in regards to my world and novel.  New aspects of the biosphere coming to life within my mind and the rambling of characters and personalities in my mind urging to me to tell their stories.  Details left and right up and down are becoming revealed to me and it's very exciting.  Also I have noticed that a lot of "multidimensional data transfer" comes to me through my son, Caspian.  I get ideas for my novel through random things that he says or does.   I was hoping for this when I became a parent, I was hoping to be inspired creatively by my children and it is happening.  It makes being a parent even more rewarding, to know that my children are helping me in their own way to be a more inspired writer.  My children are great teachers...the greatest I've ever had.

Today I feel like SUPER WOMAN.

 I STILL BELIEVE.  I feel on top of the world right now.  Like I'm getting a grip and accomplishing things!! 

I feel like we're FINALLY as a family getting used to life with a baby!

Caspian is doing great...and so am I.  I really feel like I'm on top of things at the moment...and am figuring out a new sense of balance.

I've poured a ton of energy into my son the past few weeks in an effort to help him see how much I love him despite the new addition...

And it is PAYING OFF!  He and I went to Rainbow Falls the other day together, just he and I!  I fed the baby really well before we left, and made sure she was taking a good nap, and then left her with daddy for two hours so I could spend time with my son.  It felt incredibly unnatural, but as soon as Caspian and I got out together I realized how GOOD it felt to do something with someone who could walk and run and climb and explore...haha.

Rainbow Falls...

There's a beautiful woodland next to the Falls...and when I walked in the forest grove, it felt like I was entering a sanctuary.  There is an ancient Banyan tree there...and when I saw it I felt a hush in my heart and soul.  It was like going to church...these pics do not do that place justice.   It was hallowed ground.

It was an amazing experience I shared with my son.  I can already tell he is going to be my hiking buddy.  He just loves to spend time in nature exploring.

Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together, every chance we get...

Of course I am still mama to his very little baby sister too!  When we're at home, every time the baby goes down for a nap it's "Caspian Time..." and we wrestle and lay on each other and cuddle and it's just AWESOME!!   We are really coming together as a family now, it feels like...and he is starting to feel confident in the situation. 

Today I heard, "I love you mama," over and over again...

Our family is coming together.  Seraphina is a month old now!

I have noticed a change happening inside of me...I am being FORGED into a truly formidable woman.  There is something about being a mother that just makes you TOUGHER.  Stronger.  More resilient.   I think you get more of this the more time you spend around babies and children.  

I'm functioning pretty well.  I MAKE SURE to do 2 miles on the treadmill every single night, at a fast paced walk and incline.  I'm only one month post partum, so I wish I could do much more, but I'm taking my time.

And I've started writing again.  That's double plus good.  I have my mind back and it's sharp, despite the sleep deprivation...

Everything is coming together.

I'm one determined mama.

I AM THE PERSON I'M MEANT TO BE.

I BELIEVE IN ME. 

Life as Four ~ Ganapati Om!!!

We are a family of four, at last, two adults and two kids.  So far the transition has been going pretty well.  There has been some challenging moments, especially the first week after the baby arrived, as I had my first taste of juggling the needs of two kids, and was so enamored with my baby that I could hardly focus on anything else.  That first week post partum, I remained safe and tucked away in my Cave, pausing from babyland only to interact and nurse my 2 year old son when he came in to visit wit his daddy.  I don't think I would have done it any differently.  It was exactly perfect to just sit there with my baby alone, she and I, except for occasional visits from the rest of my family and guests curious about the new arrival, people bringing me water and food, etc.  I am so so thankful Seraphina and I had that crucial time to bond together exclusively in the first week of life.  Hours and hours spent those first few precious days snuggling, Seraphina asleep on my body, both of us naked.  Skin on skin.  We got to know each other, and are still learning. 

She was fussy the first few days, and that was stressful.  I realized that every baby is sooo different with what they like and I couldn't seem to soothe her which troubled me.  But after my milk came in full force (and holy moly, do I have a lot of milk this time, thanks to nursing two kids!) she settled into a baby who is pretty happy most of the time. 

 Seraphina is a very strong and sturdy baby.  Even Roxanne my midwife commented on how good she could hold her head up from birth.  I was pretty amazed, as I remember Caspian being pretty floppy for a long time.  Not her.   She is also a hugely curious soul.  She is forever bending herself around and around to look and gaze at the world.  She spends hours a day alert and taking in reality with wide eyed awe.   All she wants to do is look around.

Caspian is delighted with his sister.  He proudly tells people that he has a little sister, loves to lick her soft head with his tongue (yes lick) and when she cries he tells her, "it's okay, baby!"  I'm starting to get that heart-warming feeling that I've heard parents speak about when seeing young siblings interact.  The first week or two, yeah, it was a bit harrowing!  Caspian seemed SO big and so wild, compared to my sweet new baby.  But I did some research on helping the older sibling adjust, and retrained my mind to see Caspian as he IS: still a very very young person, still little.  I am not falling into the trap of making a big deal over him being a "big brother" anymore, because doing that seemed to give him uncertainty.  Instead I just aim to pour love into him as much as possible and nurse him as much as possible with Seraphina.  This is working.  They are bonding.

He always asks to hold and touch her. 

Nursing 2 kids = tandem nursing = it's a bit difficult at times because you start to feel "touched out," like there is always someone on you, nursing, touching you.  But I know it's the best for Caspian.  In fact he really started taking a shine to his sister once I started nursing them together and at this point in time he seems happy and like he's adjusting well.  So I'm happy to do it.  He loves to touch her hands and her belly while they nurse together.  I am really enjoying seeing their relationship develop and blossom.  Now that I'm feeling healed from the birth, and pregnancy, I'm becoming FUN MOMMY again with him, which he is really enjoying.  I am too.  I deeply missed being fun mommy.

With tandem nursing sometimes one nurses then falls asleep on you, while the other one keeps nursing.   Many times a day I have both of them on me, but also make space for solo nursing sessions. 

I've had my mom here for weeks 2/3 of post partum, and she has really helped ease the transition.  But I am very ready to be on my own now.  I feel ready to do this thing with my party of four.

To carry me on my journey as a mother of 2 and to keep me on the right track mentally/spiritually, I've been listening to nonstop chanting and kirtan. Dave Stringer, Rasa, Deva Premal, the Gyuto Monks of Tibet.   It's awesome.  SO awesome.  It's really invigorating my soul and gives me motivation to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO in order to be the person I'm MEANT to be for my kids.  I got such a soul-treatment during my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter that I'm finding it very easy to just fall into doing the things that are **RIGHT** for me, that WILL build me up to be not only the person of my dreams, but someone whom my children can look up to.

 I've been reading.  Not just fiction, but yes, fiction...delicious fiction.  But also STUDY, reading majickal texts, learning how to cast my intention and attract what I want out of life.  It worked perfectly the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  It helped center me repeatedly in the last weeks of pregnancy and prepare me for the coming of my second child.  It helped me rebond with my mate, and to create a beautiful birth.  Studying these texts and giving the breath of life to my spirituality, allowing it to rise within me once again, has allowed me to have the courage to stop indulging in behaviors which I do not find noble or worthwhile.  Quitting my Facebook account was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.  I don't want to share myself with the government, or with people who would spy on me simply to steal my energy for their own use.  And I don't want to waste precious hours of life on the internet.  I want my children to see me reading.  I want my children to see me studying, with the goal of growth, ALWAYS. 

Meditation, focus, intention, praise, gratitude.  These are the words of my post partum life.  I am rising up but I do not forget where I have been.  I have the calm serenity of KNOWING where I am going, and it is beautiful.  My vision is clear and I am approaching the apex of my being, the mounting crest of destiny.  My children are helping me generate this reality.

I am blessed.

Warped.

One thing you have to get used to after you have a baby...is how DIFFERENT your body feels.  It feels like a totally alien body to me.  Way different then I remember before I got pregnant.  It's a pretty dramatic change.  Physically, I don't recognize myself.  Mentally, in some ways, as well.

It's WARPING, when you have a baby.  It just totally warps you.  Like the way my body FEELS...is intense...way more aches, pains and increased body awareness then there used to be.  I get totally freaked out at times by just how my body feels all jumbled up.  And you know what...yoga doesn't seem to help like it used to.  In fact it might even aggravate certain pains.

Of course that's not a reason not to do yoga.  It's just surprising how physically, I feel like there has been a huge change.  A change in how I FEEL, inside...even taking a shit feels WAY different!!!   Peeing feels different.  How I sit.  How I move.

And by default, how I think; how I feel.

I can't possibly do enough kegals to make the inside of my yoni look like it did before, to put it bluntly.  I read somewhere I should do 200 kegals a day, during the post partum period.  But I mean seriously...how does one do 200 kegals a day?  Unless I designate a special "kegal time," it's just not going to happen.  Maybe I should try to do that...I dunno.  You feel pretty banged up after an intense childbirth experience.   It takes time to get used to "the new normal."  (as I've heard multiple people refer to it)

Well, I'm doing kegals right now.  That's the good thing about them, you can do them anytime, anywhere.