Preparing for Samhain as a Born-Again Pagan

Samhain = what Halloween was before it was Halloween.  It's a pagan holiday. 

I'm psyched.  This is my first holiday as a self-admitted pagan.  I came out of the closet to myself and my immediate family while pregnant with Seraphina, but this is something I've "known" my entire life.  I've always thought of myself as a tree-hugger, Nature girl.  Through many years of soul-searching, now I think I feel comfortable putting a label on what my spirituality is.  Pagan is a VERY broad term to describe a nature-based spirituality.  Because of this broad brush encompassing many aspects of nature-based faiths, it allows for much more freedom of belief, at least for me.  I would also even go as far as to describe myself as a Pantheist.  According to Wikipedia, Pantheism is: the belief that the universe (or nature as the totality of everything) is identical with divinity,^[1] or that everything composes an all-encompassing, immanent God.^[2]


And that means EVERYTHING, because EVERYTHING is part of NATURE. 

(Albert Einstein, one of the greatest minds of our time, is also considered to be a pantheist by many philosophers...) 

But my actual beliefs are more complex and vast then even that.  The microcosm and the macrocosm are ONE, and I try to view everything from an inclusive, holistic perspective.  I believe that there are energies in the universe which we do not understand, and paradigms of consciousness and systems of life of which humanity is only the teeniest fraction of, and has only the most miniature awareness of.   WE are both small and large, contained and exploding.  In a way, I do believe in "gods" and "goddesses" (plural) as archetypal representations of the the universal collective consciousness.  Space and time itself is so vast and unexplored that I believe there are aspects to existence which are unknowable to human experience.  But I believe it's all ONE THING, comprised of many infinite layers, all NATURE though, all part of the whole.  ALL of it, no matter how insane or garish, is still part of the same system of NATURE.  It can't NOT be.  And who knows why Nature does what it does...we humans try to figure it out, but there's simply too much too know, too many layers, to know it ALL.  It's arrogant to imagine that we could, when our senses are limited to a human perspective and the Universe is so much more then what we are.  It's fucking INFINITE out there, man.  At the same time I have come to realize that the Spirit which is within us all is also part of that infinity.  

DIVINITY INFINITY...

I guess you could say that NATURE (the infinite system of EVERYTHING) is my "God."   But I don't like that word to describe it.  I am cautious about using the word 'God' because it has so much cultural baggage attached to it.  At the same time, it's still the one word that can be used almost universally to elicit a strong mental idea of a divine "being."  In MY eyes, though, the "Divine Being" is all there is, including me and you...and in common religions 'God' and man are considered separate.  I don't buy into the separateness at all.  If we are to believe in an Infinite Being, then that infiniteness would include EVERYTHING, wouldn't it?  If 'God' is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, as is frequently thought, then that would mean that God is absolutely inclusive of everything that exists.  

But like I said, I don't like the word 'God.'   I prefer to use the word 'Spirit' if I am referencing divinity...and in my eyes Spirit inhabits everything in existence.  Reality as we know it is just a screen on which Spirit plays out its movie of life...but as I was saying, I believe there are many screens, many layers, and many dimensions through which Spirit inhabits.  (And of course, Spirit = Nature...Spirit is the thing that's running everything, composed of many infinite working parts.  All part of the same system though.)

I find that what makes the most sense for my spirituality is versatility and room for "movement" in belief.   I like to feel like I have some wriggle room to grow and change.  In fact, to me movement of belief means that I am learning and staying proactive with my soul-education.  But I'd say that the thing that's MOST important to my spirituality, and my life in general, and what has gotten me as far as I've gone to the point where I consider this itself a holy act, is cultivating a sense of personal power, self-realization and soul intention.  The "science" of the magic of intention and the truth and power of physical action are mirrored aspects of self-realization and continuing to evolve and are VITAL to my path.  I believe in finding divinity within oneself rather then looking outside.  In other words, I am more likely to feel like a solid meditation or yoga session or even a run is way more worthwhile to me then going to church and having someone tell me what they believe.  Working on MYSELF all by MYSELF is key for my spiritual growth.  That's just where I've come to.  I find immense value in a cultivating a practice of spirituality that is experiential and personal.  I need to discover these things on my own.  

At the same time I totally recognize the value of collaborating with a group of people who are all of similar spiritual leanings.  I don't really have any close-knit support for my brand of spirituality where I live, and that's something I feel is lacking in a solitary path.  We ALL need support and validation for our spiritual work (not just via the internet...) and I wish I could have more of this in life, but as of now, it's not happening.  I'm on my own and it's up to just me to keep myself focused enough to keep growing and studying and learning and most of all, PRACTICING.   So saying that, there's really something positive to be said for a "church family" or a "spiritual tribe."   I know my Baptist Christian parents really get A LOT out of their church family...they are constantly telling me I should join a church but it just wouldn't work out.  I am not conventional enough in my belief to handle that, nor do I think people in the church would know how to handle me in a respectful way.  I've been there, done that, and I've had negative experiences in Christian churches so I stay away.  But I am certainly open to finding a church that resonates with MY spirit....at some point.  I do miss the kinship that comes with shared belief. 

AS OF NOW, forests filled with ancient trees and various expressions of Nature comprises the entirety of my church.  That's the best I can do and it's enough.  I am ONE with the trees.  I have come to see myself as sort of dryad or as possessing a faerie bloodline. Indeed, I feel there is something a bit mystical and magical about me and I am just now embracing this part of myself.  The trees are where I belong.  I don't feel at home in an area without trees, which is why spending my formative years in central Texas (very few trees, and certainly no ancient ones) was so difficult for me.  You can't take a dryad away from her trees...

When it comes to prayer, I do it, but to me the word prayer is synonymous with meditating, energy work, stilling the mind, making soul commitments of intention, etc.  I think even certain physical acts can be paralleled with prayer.  Spellcrafting and rituals feel like prayer to me, because you are creating a sacred space in which to do spiritual work.   Any time sacred space is created, that's prayer to my perception.  Even BREATHING, when done with high intentions, can be both prayerful and acknowledging of our divine nature. 

One of the cornerstones of my spirituality is GRATITUDE.  I feel like spiritual work is the most pure and wholesome when it is done with an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness.   Counting my blessings and seeing with REAL EYES how amazingly fortunate I am in life, is key to maintaining my relationship with the divine. 

I could go on and on, but my children's naptime is almost over so I am going to practice my spirituality by being a good mother and prepare for their awakenings.   They are such a gift to the world and I am so lucky to have them in my life.  

It hurts.

Sometimes I think God makes me feel so much deep pain just because I have the ability to allow it to push myself further then I ever have gone before.

It being = Life

Being a mom, I'm forced to let go more.  About EVERYTHING.  It's just all affected.  I just have to let go about everything.  Otherwise I get the fear. 

I'm glad I took time off from blogging for a little while.  Basically what I realized...is that this blog is for ME.  I just need to talk about it.  Just spill it all out in one place.  And there's a lot going on, trust me.  My brain is a big jumbled mess and I need to just express in order to unravel it.

Wait, strike that.  Reverse it.  It's not a mess.  It's a sense of order and precision so pristine and glorious that it requires a very high level of mindfulness to grasp. 

What hits me where it hurts it that it will never be perfect.  My sense of perfectionism is really a crippling factor in my total enjoyment of life. 

But I just keep striving.  I just keep striving to do it better. It being = LIFE.

The goal is to orchestrate a catalyst event.  Catalyst being = manifestation at a high level of dream value.

I can't initiate it instantly.  My friend is a Manifestor...she can just...DO things.  It's eerie how manifestors can just decide to Be something, or go somewhere, and they are.  I've seen it happen over and over again. 

I never saw myself as a housewife.  I NEVER did, sorry.  I NEVER saw myself as a mother.  It's what my sacral attracted to me, 100%.   And that gives me a perimeter to go by.  The sacral is TOTAL TRUST.  The sacral ATTRACTS life to me.

So basically, as a generator, all I do is set the tone.  Dial in the frequency.  All the energy comes from the sacral.  So responses made in my gut will have the most impact on my decisions in life...if I am not all wrapped up in my head.

Anyway, you really have to let go more, when you're a mom.  To be honest, I sort of believe in God now.  Like REALLY REALLY believe in God.

Something about the experience of Motherhood is helping me experience God, divinity.  I'm tearing up at the thought.  It's because it's such intense motivation to be the best person I can be.  Put myself in a very high state of consciousness, because what's happening with my son feels like a very big deal.  Parenting is terrifying, people.  Awesome and terrifying. 

What I want to attract to myself...is a writing career.  I think that would be the tits.  So, the more I write, the more I'll attract that.

Somehow being a mother is preparing me to complete some sort of great work.   Because my time is limited, I'm learning how to make it a priority.  

"The path seems twisted, until you know the way."
~Ramoth 

Archetypal Dream

you have to be BRAVE in dancing with the archetypes.

And the SELF...is everything. Everywhere. There's no stopping it...it's ALL.

I'm getting so much ORGANIC influence for my novel in Hawaii. Basically, I'm just going to MAKE IT WORK. I don't have much time to dilly dally around with it anymore. That's just what I sense. If I want to maximize it's effectiveness, it needs to circulate. Now. It's so challenging to expose people to it though, in its infancy. Especially now that I am also caring for an infant. And quite frankly...I want to hide it away.

But it's time to just throw down and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever it ends up as, WHATEVER, as long as it ends up whole. That's truly the message I am getting now. WHOLE.

And you know where wholeness has to happen FIRST, right? Me. It has to start with me.

So I have to listen. I have to HEAR what the muses are telling me, truly hear them. This means listening to my sacral. My sacral responses moment to moment are important. I have to heed them. They will be my guide in this experience of COMPLETION. In each expressive flow, focus on the sacral will be maintained. We will try this out and see what happens.

And YOGA will be practiced. Much, much yoga. Freedom will also be practiced. Letting go...letting God.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?

Motherhood: 9 weeks post-partum

Being a mother is amazing.  It's difficult and it's wonderful and it's mystical.  Absolutely magical. 

During my labor with Caspian, I felt I was very close to death at some points.  Ego loss.  I thought multiple times, "Surely this is the most pain someone could be in without dying."

It was incredible.  I hung in the second stage of labor for 3 hours, the pushing stage, which is a very long time.  If I'd been in a hospital, they'd for sure have given me a c-section instead of allowing me to continue to push to have the baby.

But I was at home with midwives, and they and my birth team encouraged me to keep going and to try HARDER, push HARDER.  That the baby was ALMOST HERE. 

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down.

I felt so close to death.  I wondered what would happen if things did not go well.  I was so desperate to push out the baby.  It was the most desperation I've ever felt in my LIFE.   I just wanted him out.

That's the frame of mind you get into in labor I guess.  Your whole purpose in life reorients, all your life force goes into pushing out that baby's head.  All of your focus in life narrows to one point in existence. 

The head pops out, and it feels like...relief.  Like GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.  I can see orgasm, but it's more spiritual then that.  It's not an orgasm, it's just SUPERNATURAL. 

Then the rest of his body shot out and surprised the hell out of me.  After hours of relentless pain, suddenly there was only him.  He suddenly appeared, out of nowhere.  All purple and red and wriggling.  He fell out, with arms open.  He burst out in a gush of flesh and fluid, it was soupy and vast, a colorful experience imprinting me for life.  Inspiring me for life. 

The midwife grabbed him as he burst out, her hands worked quickly, and suddenly I heard his voice.  He realized he was some place new.  He opened his mouth and wailed.

It sounded like a loud Aum to me. 

I couldn't believe what I saw, what I'd just been through.  It was perfectly amazing.

That's something I have been thinking about so often.  How difficult my birth was, how wonderful it was.

Intensely mystical.

And still is.

The Motherhood Experience is really captivating me.  I'm entranced by my own child.   He's just more beautiful, and becomes more precious, every single day.  To tell you how much I love him, would break your mind.  It's beyond anything.  I understand now, in a sense, a great many things about love now.  I've never loved anyone so much, and it's scary.  But it's so fantastic, I don't care.

My labor ripped my body, and my heart, open.   Now it's just pouring love.  I am so in love with my son, and so thankful for him.  I'm still dealing with the ramifications of my labor.  My body is still healing.  But Caspian makes me whole.

When he gets fussy, sometimes he pokes out his outer lip and tears fill his eyes.  I love him so much it just looks unbearably precious to me.  I realize I would do anything for him.  I know I have never felt love like this before, and that now I understand what unconditional love is.  It feels Godly, and pristine.  When he opens his toothless mouth into a wide smile and his eyes widen at the sight of me, I feel like the Chosen One.  There is nothing I'd rather do or anywhere I'd rather be other then right there with him, forever or something.

He's 9 weeks old now.

You have to be strong the first few months.   Nonstop sleep deprivation, erratic eating, wild and unnerving hormone shifts.  And a helpless creature who has need of your best self, all the time, always.  You feed him with your body, still reeling from the intensity of birth, trying to get him to eat.  And after a few days, struggling with the pain as he feeds, adjusting body, breasts aching.    You just continue on.  You just continue.

Because it gets better every day.  

Because it's all worth it.  You wake up at night for a co-sleeping feed, for your baby whose every movement and shift you are so attuned to.   You look at his delicate face, hardly fathoming who he is, or where he comes from, but knowing he is the most cutest thing you'd ever seen.  The most beautiful.  Shadows dance on his tiny face, and you can't look away from the beautiful curves of his cheekbones, his eyelids.  You feel so drawn to him.  You should be sleeping but instead you're watching your baby breathe...

It's worth it.  You continue, knowing it is.  Up every 45 minutes for a feed.  For perhaps weeks. Months. 

Right now I'm spending a lot of time "listening" to my baby...I just listen to him without reacting energetically.  It's like true hearing.  He has A LOT to say, a lot to communicate.  That's all this is really...getting to know your baby is understanding how to communicate with him or her.  Baby's are sentient.  They are much more aware and wise and mature then people think.

You listen to what they are saying, and you react accordingly, letting instinct be your rudder through motherhood.

It's not easy.  It's real hard.  I'm so tired all the time.  And hungry.    I'm even a little broody, sort of missing being pregnant.  There's been hormonal shifts. 

But my baby is wonderful.   And I think it's just going to get better.

Time is passing in a funny way.  I can't keep track of it.  Where did 9 weeks go?  It's pretty confusing. 

Time is passing at the speed of light now.   I can't believe it, every moment occurs so quickly.  Why? When Caspian smiles at me, gives an impetuous little coo, it's like time halts.  And then I look up and 9 weeks have gone by.

At this point I really want to challenge myself to rise to my fullest potential as a human being.  At no other time in my life has it been so important, so vital, to be the best me I can be.  I have things about myself I need to work on, to reflect upon, to change.  But I will persevere.  I always do.  And now, it matters.  It matters more then ever.

9 weeks post-partum...things are getting easier now.  I am in the flow of my baby.  I am more or less used to the sleeplessness.  Breastfeeding has become second nature.   I can feed anytime, anywhere, and I'm starting to really love it.   He looks up at me, and his gaze is so adoring.  When it's time to eat, he smiles and giggles at me, as though he's so excited to be at mommy's breast.  And my heart just explodes.  I think, "how can it get any better?"  But it does.  It really does.

We go everywhere together and I'm getting out more and more every day.  I can put him in the baby carrier quickly and know exactly what I need to do with my movements so that he'll settle down and relax inside of it.   I am learning how to pack the diaper bag for long excursions, so that wherever I go with Caspian he will be comfortable and we'll have everything we need.  We go on long walks together around town, and it's usually the highlight of my day.  I take him out to parks, to the waterfalls, to the beach, and he and I play together beneath the trees, beside the ocean, enjoying the breeze on our skin.  

I've learned how to pay attention to his subtle signals, so that I don't have to use his cotton diapers all the time.  My baby is a naked baby most of the day and I love it.  I want to look at his cute baby butt every chance I get, I don't want to cover it up.  I don't want him to sit in his own waste.  I just listen for him to tell me when he needs to go potty, and I hold him over a bowl, and he goes.  Sometimes he doesn't tell me, and it's okay.  I am totally accepting of everything about him, including his potty urges.  I love everything about him, even his poop, puke and pee.  It's all so beautiful to me.  I'm his mother and none of it bothers me. 

Every day we get more confidence together, as mother and son.  And it's just WONDERFUL. 

 I am learning that I want to be SWITCHED ON every moment of every day.  Because Caspian is just WORTH IT.  I just want to be the best mother I can possibly be.  That's my task right now in life.  It's more then a job; it's my life's purpose.