I'll start again (for the 2nd time).   Where do I actually begin?   I'll start by saying I was born in ignorance, as we all are.   Born into a society filled with shadows and empty hearts. 

There's a voice trying to get through.  I've been voiceless for awhile.   I thought I might never speak again.  But I knew it was only a matter of time.   I am of two minds, in the best of times...in the best of times, and matter doesn't mind.   I had no idea when I would allow the voice to speak again.   I feared I would be considered crazy.  I feared becoming vulnerable.  I feared allowing my SUN PLUTO SQUARE to see the light of day.   It's the hardest damn thing ever, to reveal who I am on the inside.  And yet it seeks...it seeks to come out.  It seeks to speak.   It seeks to have a voice.  This THING on the inside...needs to be expressed. 

The problem is...who I am is so many.  It always has been. 

Who I am...is many.  I am more then one, and this I've always known.  As a child I heard voices and had a crowd of imaginary friends who were real.   I sensed beings and spirits and energies.   This led to an interest in the occult, from early on.  I grew up in a strict Christian household, so how I was and my interests, were unacceptable.   I started to internalize all of my imaginary friends.  I started to hide who I was.   But I still heard the voices of other people inside of me and I was convinced it was true.  

Where are the other adults who never grew out of this???  I think they become writers...

I'm not crazy.  I don't care what you say.  I am boldly crossing the boundary to express the multi-faceted TRUTH of my Nature ~ which is I am more then one, any and all.   We are all connected.  We are all each other.  The Other is You...do you get it?   Some people are just more aware of this then others, that's all.   I am one of those people!!  Like it or not. 

I am going to LIVE THIS WAY...in full-on telepathic communication with beings from other dimensions...who also happen to be part of me!!  There is nothing wrong with feeling open to the fullest extent to sensory exploration.  Feel your antenna?  You can't see it but all humans have them.  The antenna on your head.   That is always sensing reality. 

Azrael's Birth

3rd child was born this month, after an epic year of traveling! 

Birth story coming soon. 

Azrael Sage Robin Rose
born April 11th, 2016
4:06am

2/4 Splenic Projector
Right Angle Cross of the Maya. 

Update on the Life:

Super ramble:

I got pregnant during my RYT with Buti Yoga....it was crazy, and I totally freaked out the last weekend. I did awesome on my demos, but failed the musculature system portion of the test. At the time, I was also living at a CAMPSITE in Massachusetts with my 3 year old, 1 year old, a few months after moving from Hawaii to Maine, and then Maine to Masschusetts!! Damn, I guess something had to give. I didn't do any more Buti after that, what with the morning sickness and basically preoccupied with traveling and moving. I was even in Texas for a month and a half! I think we're in our more permanent home now, though, in western Washington. Anyway, I miss Buti Yoga - at first I was missing the movements, and the surrender, but now I am missing the fucking badass female empowerment that I felt. I feel like pregnancy has a tendency to take me down a few pegs and challenge my self-image to the extreme - I become vulnerable. But in that vulnerability, I see strength too...the strength to get through. The strength to let go. In my reflections, I find myself thinking A LOT about the Ring of Fire that you go through with birth...you literally have to go through it, as though into it, whole-heartedly, so that your baby can come out. That moment is so extreme. All of life strains to deliver life. I haven't forgotten how extreme it felt...that Ring of Fire, that opening, that yearning to push a human life into the world. The wild frantic pain of it...crazy crazy crazy pain. Everything stops as the Ring approaches. You can't avoid it anymore. You have to go through the pain, into the fire...into the churning heat of a primordial soup. The lava of human existence, gushing through your veins, drowning you in agony, in search of release, the burning, burning, burning. You're dissolved in the desperate fire of a raging portal to the Life Beyond, and you know you probably won't ever come back the same. .

I remember giving birth, and I think about it...and it helps prepare me. I am entering the stage of pregnancy where you start to feel a bit more isolated. I'm turning to a spiritual practice of ritual to help me through. There is strength in being vulnerable, in releasing yourself, to keep focusing on that release...in daily behavior and practice. I can keep evolving and keep changing to honor the needs of my soul. It's been a wild year. In fact the past 2 years, starting with Seraphina's birth, have been a series of RAPID changes in our lives. But I think we have flowed with it all pretty well, all things considered. And we've learned A LOT along the way...

Moving through space and time together

We clasped hands in a circle.   The palm that gripped mine felt sweaty.  Velkess.  She was nervous, practically shaking, but she would never admit how frightened she was.  Next to her came Ramoth, jittery, but using humor to cover it, and then Prism, and Paloeva, both focused as ever, and then Mordemus and Ekko.  Almost totally dispassionate and noninvolved.  Ekko's hand gripping mine felt cool; rather dry, but steady.     When Ekko and I linked minds, her aumni surrounded mine with casual indifference.  The impersonalness of the touch took me aback for just an instant.  But Ekko's mind was so well-patterned; predictable, and familiar; and despite her natural aloofness, I appreciated the contact.  I took comfort in her complete lack of interest; she didn't care at all that we were about to do something so dangerous.  So taboo.  

 

            The room was silent except for the nervous laughter of Ramoth, and the heavy breathing of Velkess.  I slowly opened up my mind to everyone in the circle, intaking a sharp breath at the sudden wave of overpowering anxiety that surged into me. I absorbed the nervous energy of six other people, and it was all I could do to not break the circle and run away.  

            Ekko's grip tightened on my hand.  No doubt she sensed my own mounting dread in this transport.  My eyes flew open, and I sought to find purchase in the chaos of such inner intimacy with this many humans at once.  I flowed in and out of each of us in the circle, and fought to remain calm.  When I found Mordemus in the circle, a sudden resevoir of strength filled me.  He navigated my own metaspace efficiently.  He imparted his sense of logic and I realized something.  I had no way to know what would happen in the next few moments, but I realized that the mental closeness with all these people was necessary.  The connection was the only way we could transport everyone at once.   So  stood there, in the circle, flowing in and out of everyone and tried not to resist it.  But it was a weird sensation to be sure, to be myself and all the others, all at once.   So many histories flickering through.  So many memories, fading in and out and all around.  The experience of the connection alone was a little sickening.  

            Are you prepared?  Ekko's mental voice sounded flat and unexcited in the link.  I knew everyone in the circle could hear us, transmitted through my connective tissue.

            Yes.  As ready as I'll ever be for something like this.  I squeezed Ekko's cool, dry hand hard in response.  I needed to be anchored down.  Otherwise I would run away screaming.  I saw no point in trying to be brave.  Everyone in the circle could feel how frightened I was.  They were terrified themselves.  Nobody had ever attempted such a long jump before. 

           

           

Change.

I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

4 months...

4 months old