I am going through old journal entries and found this. I wrote this in California at the end of summer 2010...while living in an RV in Ocean Beach, San Diego...it was an intense journey in which all barriers between fantasy and fiction dissolved. (FYI: Mordemus and Paetreyl are characters in my novel)
Disclaimer: any viewpoints insinuated in this piece may or may not represent where and who I am now, in 2014. My life is far different then it used to be...but I still have times as a writer when fiction and reality are completely blurred so I find my experiences in 2010 pretty fascinating.
What is there to say?
I was brought to my knees and surrounded by love. Awed by it, as I rocked back and forth on a green lawn of a park in Ocean Beach, and wept. I could hardly breathe. Then I stopped breathing. My physical body disintegrated. I stopped existing. The fertility goddess, the Queen of Everything, clutched me to her bosom, nestled me within her womb. The air shimmered with the rainbow music of my soul My throat opened into a wide, colorful spinning hole, a portal between all worlds. Mordemus wielded the Dawnbreaker, his crystal sword, and sliced away all the fear, he took away every concern, he protected me from all deviance. I felt secure while I floated in a sea of pulsating bright light, emboldened with the stern strength of my greatest guardian. That's when I saw the Manchild come, the seraph spoken of in Ancient Prophecy: my little one, Paetreyl. He was swollen with power, aching with love. A golden shadow, darkness with twinkles. I recognized him and my breath caught in my throat with a sob. I reached out to him, and he reached back and together we became One, in a way that has not happened in years.
“The Collective yearns for thee!”
Paetreyl and I rested together in the womb of the Goddess for what seemed like eternity. Together we worked through our karma, TOGETHER, we toured the beauty of our wild soul. For yes, it is indeed true: we share a soul together. I see this so clearly now. It is why we are connected with each other and can communicate, despite the distance of our two worlds. We blended and words falter; it was beyond ecstasy. I have never felt such love in all my life directed towards me by another being, whom I love just as completely. We are One. He is the other half of my soul. This I've always known, but now it is imprinted upon my heart as truth.
I will never forget it. I will never forget the way my throat opened to a huge spinning hole that spewed nothing but pure creativity and love. I will never forget the openness I felt there. It was better then anything, the huge gaping hole in my throat, spinning and spinning. I saw how it is my divine duty to nurture this open throat. The open throat felt so amazingly wonderful. I nestled deep inside the Womb-Tomb of the Goddess; and died. I did not care; it was all so beautiful, so so lovely. I lost it. Who I thought I was, my plans for my life, where I wanted to be or go. It was all gone, vanished in that loving embrace of the Queen of Everything. The Queen of Everything in my story, is in my life. The story took me, claimed me as its own. I gave my soul over to the Queen. I knelt and worshiped Her like I never have before. Paetreyl and I both serve the Goddess. I saw this clearly, like I was finally looking through a clean window after years of squinting to see what was on the other side.
So much became self-evident to me. I am in love. Absolutely in rapture! With Paetreyl, with the Queen, with my sanga, and with my purpose in life. The Queen of Everything gave me my divine purpose: I am to nurture my open throat. I am to keep it spinning. So that's why I share all this with you, unflinching, unafraid. I have my guardian Mordemus the Dawnbreaker at one side, and the Manchild Paetreyl at the other. There is nothing you can say to me which will hurt me. It is what it is. Take this story for what you wish. My mission is simply to express it. That is my satisfaction.