Sunday, October 12, 2014

Growth is Intense

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga.  It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's.  What a TIME of LIFE that was!!  I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away.  I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too.  3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice!  That was the STUFF. 

What changed?  I changed.  I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own.  I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me.  I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow.  At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers.  I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus.  My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer.  I felt so close to him.  I love him.  I didn't process his death either.  Not until years later.  I don't immediately process death.  It has more of a "slow-release" with me.  Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years. 

My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back.  I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage.  I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego.   I was friends with homeless people and junkies.  I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time.  I wanted to party party party.  I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind.  And I did.  I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed.  Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic.  It was a very EXTREME time of life.  I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties.  I had loads and loads of fun.  Maybe too much.  It was just so exciting...and also a bit feel so free...

Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there.  I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers.  It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children.  I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms.  Many of them were my age.  At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother.  In fact I thought that path was "closed to me."   But it actually did plant the seed. 

When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.  

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