There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with practicing yoga. It was in Massachusetts, near Boston, where I lived for 3 years in my 20's. What a TIME of LIFE that was!! I lived near a hot yoga studio, so every single day, sometimes 2x a day, I was in class, practicing away. I found myself practicing a lot outside of class too. 3-5 hours a day of just straight up yoga practice! That was the STUFF.
What changed? I changed. I felt like I had to leave the Boston area and my network of friends in the northeast and go out "into the world" on my own. I left my partner, and my friends, who were like family to me. I needed to get "outside of myself," and outside of all situations, in order to grow. At this same time, my grandfather died of Alzheimers. I went to his funeral a week after I left Boston with my dog, Icarus. My grandfather was one of the first people in my life to encourage me to become a writer. I felt so close to him. I love him. I didn't process his death either. Not until years later. I don't immediately process death. It has more of a "slow-release" with me. Anyway, I felt even more unhinged and lost when he died...and super duper regretful that I hadn't been around him more in his last few years.
My life got pretty unstable after leaving Massachusetts, looking back. I DID grow and evolve, but it was not without some collateral damage. I ended up in California, doing tons of drugs, and living in an RV on the side of the street in San Diego. I was friends with homeless people and junkies. I wasn't a junkie per say, as I never did anything with a high addiction potential, but I did have a "drug problem" I think...I would just want to be high all the time. I wanted to party party party. I wanted to be wild, without rules, and live without boundaries of any kind. And I did. I took a lot of MDA especially, and alcohol and lots and lots of weed. Mescaline and LSD too, but I believe those ones were actually theraputic. It was a very EXTREME time of life. I did something unique every day, at the cliffs of San Diego, going to nude beaches, dub step electronic dance parties. I had loads and loads of fun. Maybe too much. It was just so exciting...and also a bit soul-draining...to feel so free...
Sometimes we would park our RV next to a children's playground and live there. I started watching who came and went to the park, and I noticed a mother's playdate group that would meet every day there at a certain time, with babies and toddlers. It was a large group, and they would all sit in a circle and talk about their children. I remember thinking that they looked so "put together," those moms. Many of them were my age. At the time, I had no idea I would ever become a mother. In fact I thought that path was "closed to me." But it actually did plant the seed.
When I landed in Hawaii, six months later, and went on my healing, cleansing journey here, I was touched by Pele and I knew I could be a mom too.
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