Saturday, October 18, 2014

About My Name.

When I was born, I was given the name Michelle Aileen Beechey. 

When I got married, my name changed to Michelle Aileen Rose 

When I was in my 20's, I was given the nickname, "MOTH," based on an internet alias. 

When I moved to Hawaii, I became known simply as, "Aeri." 

And now, feeling a return to my roots, I am choosing to be known by my middle name, Aileen, for the remainder of my adult life.  I just like the name and it's MY NAME given at birth, to all the women of my family, for generations and generations.  

It's a middle name given preference as a first name, which is totally legit.  

I've already met a few new people and introduced myself as Aileen.  Feels right, yo. 

Think I'm going to make it legal.  

This has to do partially with the name I want to see on the front cover of my novel...I like the vision of Aileen Rose on the cover of a book that I wrote.   Fits me. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Yee-haw! Buzz buzz buzzzz

FEELING GREAT again!  I burned 700 calories on the treadmill yesterday afternoon and did some arm exercises.  I also feel great because I have REDONE my whole schedule! I have realized that it is WAY BETTER for me to work out during the day when Eros comes home from school, then it is at night.  

So after all day with the kids, I am SO READY to just have "me time" and do an intense work out when daddy comes home!  Eros is really supporting me with my fitness goals, so he has no problem giving me an hour or two in the afternoon when he comes home before dinner to work out.  :-)  Which is SO PERFECT!  It's really best to do my workout during the day.  Mornings won't work as I'm too out of it...exercising at 5:30am is not possible.  And by the time the kids are in bed I'm usually way too tired to move my body vigorously and if I do manage to, I stay up way way too late.  But late afternoon, before dinner?  Perfection. 

And THAT MEANS, I have the whole evening AFTER the kids go to bed for relaxing, writing and bathing, which is all I want to do at night anyway.  And THEN I'm able to get to bed at a "reasonable hour..." which is anywhere from 10pm - midnight, depending on how I'm feeling...

I'm SO SORE from exercising and it makes me soo happy.  I can't believe how uplifted and in control and calm I feel after a solid work out or yoga session it's amazing. 

Woot Woot

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It's a Rainy Day

I have no idea if it's because of where I live (in Hawaii, with no family and like 1-2 friends total, who I rarely see), or just because it's the way motherhood is...but raising children mostly on my own is probably one of the most lonely and isolating things I've ever done. 

That's the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, for me.  Again, I don't know if it's because I live in Hawaii that makes it this way, or if it would be different if I lived on the mainland.  On the mainland there are way more mom's groups I could join, especially if I lived near a larger city.  I could make more connections.  More reasons to leave the house everyday. 

I really struggle with connecting with people here on the island.  Or if I do connect, they leave and move away next week or something.  Many times I've made "playdates" with moms only to have them cancel on me, or blow me off.  There isn't much consistency. 

I'm a social kids are not to the age where we can have a long chat about life...I try, I really aim every day to have insightful conversations with my children (even if they can't respond, as in Seraphina's case), and I even calmly explain exactly where I am in life, but Caspian just looks a bit confused and says, "What are you talking about, mama?" Haha.  They're so little.  And I cherish it...I don't want it to end...and yet I'm so lonely for more grown up companionship. 

Each cihldhood stage has its rewards, I guess. 

Because I am the main adult that they interact with day in, and day out, it's very important that I have my shit together.  So I have to be ON and strong and positive for them, a LEADER.  That's what a good mother is.  A leader for her children.  And I am getting better and better at it.   I just didn't realize that being in this role for years on end and being the main one these little beings look up to would involve such penetrating loneliness.  

I LOVE being home with my children.  But I also feel lonely and isolated like never before and don't know if it's normal or not, if it's because that's what motherhood IS, or if it's because I don't have any local support and am raising these kids mostly by myself. 

Gonna try it, do it.

Currently in the process of re-organizing my sleep schedule in an effort to get more sleep...

Goal: up at 5:30, in bed by 10:30. 

Seems totally doable...right??? 

I'll be in bed by 10:30 tonight so hopefully 5:30am won't seem too early, considering it will be more sleep then I've gotten in months...

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Maximizing the 24 Hour Cycle

There is a stereotype that if women are in charge and leading, that they are bossy and bitchy.  This is some BULLSHIT.

Can't fight the power.

I'm not bossy.

I'm a boss.  

Monday, October 13, 2014

Successful Time Management Gets My Rocks Off

I completely kicked ass tonight in regards to being wise about my time and energy.  We had a family dinner first of beans, rice, avocado, salsa and lettuce, baths were on schedule for both kids, then story time for Caspian and nursing for Seraphina, then Caspian went to bed and then Seraphina went to bed.  Eros and I each put the kids to bed, then switch, so each kid gets time with both of us. I cleaned my kitchen, washed dishes, and tidied the house to prepare for a busy day tomorrow, took a moment to relax and did email correspondence and then hopped on the treadmill.   My foot is healed (huzzah!) so I ran and walked (2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking) for 45 minutes.  Then I went upstairs to my private room and did an hour of intense yoga.  Niice.  After that, I relaxed in the bath with a kombucha and grapes reading about the pagan sabbats and various family rituals.  Afterwards I took my vitamins and  NOW...I'm in bed.

I did work on my novel today during the children's naptime, but not much got done.  It's okay though.  I'm tightening up the evening routine that has formed so that I can make sure I give it the time and energy it needs to thrive.   The goal is each day to become even more efficient and productive with my time.

And now I must try and sleep.  The next week is gonna be intense, as Eros will be gone pretty much all day, every day.  Gone a lot more then usual. This mama needs to be ON and at the top of my game.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

LSD Trip Report, written in 2010, San Diego California

I am going through old journal entries and found this.  I wrote this in California at the end of summer 2010...while living in an RV in Ocean Beach, San was an intense journey in which all barriers between fantasy and fiction dissolved.   (FYI: Mordemus and Paetreyl are characters in my novel)

Disclaimer: any viewpoints insinuated in this piece may or may not represent where and who I am now, in 2014.  My life is far different then it used to be...but I still have times as a writer when fiction and reality are completely blurred so I find my experiences in 2010 pretty fascinating. 


What is there to say?  

I was brought to my knees and surrounded by love.  Awed by it, as I rocked back and forth on a green lawn of a park in Ocean Beach, and wept.   I could hardly breathe.  Then I stopped breathing.  My physical body disintegrated.  I stopped existing.  The fertility goddess, the Queen of Everything, clutched me to her bosom, nestled me within her womb.  The air shimmered with the rainbow music of my soul     My throat opened into a wide, colorful spinning hole, a portal between all worlds.   Mordemus wielded the Dawnbreaker, his crystal sword, and sliced away all the fear, he took away every concern, he protected me from all deviance.  I felt secure while I floated in a sea of pulsating bright light, emboldened with the stern strength of my greatest guardian.   That's when I saw the Manchild come, the seraph spoken of in Ancient Prophecy: my little one, Paetreyl.  He was swollen with power, aching with love.   A golden shadow, darkness with twinkles.  I recognized him and my breath caught in my throat with a sob.   I reached out to him, and he reached back and together we became One, in a way that has not happened in years.  

“The Collective yearns for thee!” 

Paetreyl and I rested together in the womb of the Goddess for what seemed like eternity.   Together we worked through our karma, TOGETHER, we toured the beauty of our wild soul.  For yes, it is indeed true:  we share a soul together.   I see this so clearly now.  It is why we are connected with each other and can communicate, despite the distance of our two worlds.   We blended and words falter; it was beyond ecstasy.   I have never felt such love in all my life directed towards me by another being, whom I love just as completely.  We are One.  He is the other half of my soul.  This I've always known, but now it is imprinted upon my heart as truth.  

I will never forget it.  I will never forget the way my throat opened to a huge spinning hole that spewed nothing but pure creativity and love.   I will never forget the openness I felt there.  It was better then anything, the huge gaping hole in my throat, spinning and spinning.   I saw how it is my divine duty to nurture this open throat.  The open throat felt so amazingly wonderful.  I nestled deep inside the Womb-Tomb of the Goddess; and died.  I did not care; it was all so beautiful, so so lovely.  I lost it.  Who I thought I was, my plans  for my life, where I wanted to be or go.  It was all gone, vanished in that loving embrace of the Queen of Everything.  The Queen of Everything in my story, is in my life.  The story took me, claimed me as its own.  I gave my soul over to the Queen.   I knelt and worshiped Her like I never have before.  Paetreyl and I both serve the Goddess.  I saw this clearly, like I was finally looking through a clean window after years of squinting to see what was on the other side. 

So much became self-evident to me.  I am in love.  Absolutely in rapture!  With Paetreyl, with the Queen, with my sanga, and with my purpose in life.  The Queen of Everything gave me my divine purpose: I am to nurture my open throat.  I am to keep it spinning.   So that's why I share all this with you, unflinching, unafraid.  I have my guardian Mordemus the Dawnbreaker at one side, and the Manchild Paetreyl at the other.   There is nothing you can say to me which will hurt me.  It is what it is.  Take this story for what you wish.  My mission is simply to express it.   That is my satisfaction.