Thursday, April 3, 2014

I am 20 weeks pregnant with my second child.  Dear world.   And I never could have imagined how tough it would be.  How much I would be challenged in maintaining my center.  I was in such a great, powerful place before getting pregnant this time. Super physially active, confident but yielding to life and totally letting go.  I thought for sure I would be able to maintain that state of mind throughout a pregnancy.

It's proven difficult.  I still feel constantly literally is just something I live with now.  Sometimes I throw up, and it all has to do with certain foods suddenly making me want to throw up.  I don't understand it but it's really started happening A LOT lately.  Especially if I eat the same thing too frequently (even if it tastes great one day) I will feel sick and want to throw up another day, just by taking a bite of that food.  This causes me to never really know what to eat, so I mostly just eat to fill the hole, but it has to be skillfully done, otherwise I will get sick.  This causes frustration because I am trying to keep my food budget in line.  I can't just eat everything I WANT to eat.  So I feel like I am forced to eat foods that make me feel sick, although I do eat a decent variety.

I'm having so many more physical pains now then I did with Caspian's pregnancy.  Uterus, intestines, my bladder, my bones...they all ache.  My head even aches.  I don't remember this from Caspian's pregnancy.  I've started having strong baby movements and they are starting to hurt.  I'm only 20 weeks!  Baby's kicks and punches and jumps never really hurt me with Caspian's pregnancy...the worst with him is when his feet pressed up into ribcage.   He seemed to really have a different movement pattern then this baby does.  Caspian was pretty gentle with his movements.  This baby just pummels me every few hours, and it doesn't feel comfortable.

I am also already peeing every 5 minutes NO JOKE.  This baby is hanging very low.  Caspian was all up in my ribs.  It feels like everything is sagging in there this time.  Baby is low, I have to pee all the time...wondering if I have a bladder infection, so chugging cranberry juice but nearly gagging on the taste.

When I was 5 weeks pregnant, I was still working out 2 hours a day.  By 6 weeks pregnant, I was laying in bed all the time.  Every once in awhile I would force myself to work out, but those times are hard to come by.  I am too tired all the time.  My energy seemed to get worse in the second trimester, not better.  I have been SO exhausted this pregnancy.  I don't ever remember being really tired with Caspian's pregnancy.  This time I am so exhausted I can barely function.  I basically keep myself going some days by sheer will alone.


Sunday, March 23, 2014


I'm gonna have a baby I'm gonna have a baby I'm gonna have a baby
I know it know it know it!!

I just FEEL, choosing not to have any ultrasounds this time is a HUGE DEAL for me!!  I am COMPLETELY trusting my intuition this time that everything is okay.  It's an experiment, that's for sure!  I don't know what the final outcome will be.  But I just FEEL that all is well!  I feel so relaxed and at peace.  There are moments I feel more calm then I have in years.

Tripping on kids

There's something about looking at your own kid that can just make you trip out hardcore, stone sober.  

Especially now that my son is talking, it's just crazy.  Today he counted to 7 out of nowhere.  We were like WTF...we haven't even worked with him on numbers yet.  Where did he learn that?  

He has an imaginary friend named, "Chadawitz."  He also seems to see a cat in the drain of the tub.   

I'm stunned at his intelligence on a daily basis.  He can totally be reasoned with about almost anything.  

Sunday, January 26, 2014

It continues.

I'm 11 weeks and still feeling nauseous, especially after eating!  

I'm feeling pretty good right now because Eros arranged for me to have 25 hours to myself at a spa.  :)  So lovely.  

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


I'm over 10 weeks pregnant and feeling so depressed.  I wanted this baby so so bad but feeling drained and ill from hormones in conjunction with caring for my 2 year old and seeing Eros through university is almost too much.  I don't feel supported or loved by existence at all.   I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm anti-social but also super needy.  I don't want to live in Hawaii anymore but don't know where to go because I feel like nobody loves me and that there is no place for me in the world.  

I need to reframe and rally and redirect myself somehow but nobody can give me any advice on this because most people just don't care and even if they did care they do not understand my situation.  What a cold cruel world we live in and at this point I'm wondering if I even want to be a part of it anymore.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Miscarriage Catharsis

A rough sketch of a vision...


Prem reached inside her belly and pulled out the fetus. His telekinetic hands slipped into her round abdomen and her face went slack with shock and she gave a pained, "oh.". . I could see his psychic arms moving, and then he withdrew.  In the grasp of his psionic energy, floated a living fetus, stolen from utero.  

The baby's mother screamed. Then she looked down, her face stricken and ghastly white, hands going to grab at her rapidly shrinking belly.   Her mind slammed into mine when she grasped what had happened.  Her mouth twisted and a traumatized keen pierced me inside and out, her head hanging on her neck like rotten fruit about to drop, eyes bulging. 

DISBELIEF-DENIAL-REALIZATION-RAGE, and a deep and cataclysmic DEPRESSION rocked my mind.  Emotions flooded me, the sheer GRIEF seemed impossible to bear!  I grit my teeth and struggled to block out the telepathic sharing, the impossible pain of feeling a child ripped from this woman's body.  I found myself at the cusp of unconsciousness in the tormented well of her sadness, her womb now empty, where just a few breaths before she and her baby had been connected. The soul-jarring misery which overcame me gushed with an evil foreboding of what was to come. Before I could even blink and move to stop what I knew would happen, she had pulled out a dagger from her boot and took it to her throat, and drew a red smile gushing blood just under her jawline. The bright fluid spilled over her chest and her painful throbbing inside my brain abruptly stopped.

I was left breathless and fragile, tears hanging in my eyes.  Her energetic frequency floated away, and it was a mercy.  I wish I'd never had to experience her grief.  

Prem laughed and floated the fetus away from its dead mother, hand outstretched in the working of  his telekinesis and transmutation, his angular face etched with wonder at what he had just done.  Prem was nothing if not impressed with himself.  Satisfaction radiated from his mind to mine.  

He had placed the tiny fetus floated in an circle of pale blue light.  It solidified and became a sack.  The fetus floated within the sphere, looking pink and scrawny.  Half developed, it's tiny fingers twitched and the doll-like face seemed to grimace in expression. I watched in disbelief when Prem took his hands to it.  I shuddered when he stroked the fetus's delicate back, the skin so paper-thin I could see the organs and veins beneath.  The whole fetus twitched in response.  I felt aversion to seeing him make contact with a half-cooked human.  My hands pressed over my mouth and I wondered if I would vomit.  Telepathically, I sent him,  Prem!  Stop it!  What are you doing ??

He turned his head at my thought, frowning as though I'd interrupted him. He fixed me in his mad electric blue eyes and sent back,   I don't need her.  I can gestate it myself.  

But...but the mother!  Horror shook me.  "You killed her."

His grin parted, teeth shining.  I only pushed her over the edge.  It wasn't very hard.  She was already mostly there.  And I don't need her anymore.    Aloud, he said smugly, "Don't grieve for her, blockhead.  She was no longer needed.  The fetus is mine now."  

I tried to understand.  My voice whispered, "Why are you doing this?  What do you want with human offspring?"  

"This one is only the beginning," he told me.    "There will be many many more."

"What are you going to do with them?"

He smiled at me.  "I'm farming them. What else?"

"I...don't understand."

I didn't think I wanted to understand.    

He laughed again, gaily, glancing over to the mother, motionless in a pool of blood.  "I intend to put them to good use.  It's time to give humanity the enhancements that they think they deserve.  I wonder if they will still want them when they get them."

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Going Inside. Staying Calm.

Now is a time to go inside.

I feel disconnected from everything, and everyone, except what's going on inside of me.  This inner body awareness feels sharper and more "activated" then its ever been.  We'll see how it goes in the long-run, I guess.

I'm still pregnant, 3rd time in 2013 (first time in 2014).  I will be 8 weeks tomorrow.  I'm coming up on the time when my first baby of 2013 stopped growing and died.  I didn't find out until nearly 11 weeks, at an ultrasound.  And then I had to convince my body to miscarry the dead fetus, using herbs.

But this pregnancy is different.  I FEEL very pregnant.  I feel like something major is going on in my body right now.  The baby at this point is the size of a blueberry.  It's hardly a blip on an ultrasound.  But it has form. Its existence reorders the female body systems to accommodate it.  This can be a very overwhelming experience for women who are very sensitive to the hormones involved.

I've been feeling pretty yucky lately.   Like, seriously gross, and run down, like I have the flu or something.   Throwing up here and there.   Feeling tired a lot, just wiped out, no matter how much sleep I get.  Feeling my body begin to swell in strange but familiar ways.  It's a HUGE change now, compared to the life I had just a few weeks ago, being so active and ferocious.  Now I seriously don't recognize who I am right now.  It's an odd feeling, and it lets me know that my body is housing another soul other then my own.

I think this baby wants to be born.  I think this baby is a tough one, a fighter.  I just feel it.  It's gonna be a Leo, born in August.  The Lion.  And in Chinese astrology, it will be a fire horse.  I'm feeling it.  I'm feeling like this is going to happen.  I got tired of all the other souls who didn't want to be born.  I asked the universe for a tough cookie.  Someone who could handle this difficult world we live in.

Sometimes there's nothing much in the womb.  That's what my second miscarriage of 2013 was like.  I don't know why these things happened to me, why these pregnancies failed.  I think it could be a genetic issue...but I think lack of certain of vitamins can cause a less the perfect expression of the genetic configuration.  This is what I think happened.  It's just a theory.  I think changing my diet and making sure I'm hardcore regulated on taking all the right vitamins, probably made a difference. Particularly if I was low in something before, like Vitamin A.

Now I'm pregnant again.  It's felt different from the beginning.   I have faith everything is okay.  I've got to.   Well I just FEEL IT...I feel a life force inside of me.  It's very detectable at this point, let me tell you.  After you've been pregnant a few times, had one and lost one (or two), you know more about what you're looking for in what you feel.  Anyway, I've been doing a TON of inner work on myself this year due to the miscarriages, and really started focusing on the health of my body in a new way.  Eros too, has been supplementing, taking his vitamins and focused on being healthy in a balanced way.  I think the results have only been positive.  And I see this pregnancy as proof of that.

But we'll see.  I have an ultrasound on January 20th.  I don't feel afraid though.  I just feel calm and relaxed.