Sunday, September 28, 2014

The More the Merrier.

I'll just come out and say it:  I want a big family.  I was the oldest of five, and it feels natural to want the same.  My mom and dad parented in a much different way then I do, and we had some rough times as I was growing up (I really started clashing with my family when I was a teenager) but overall, now that I'm an adult and a parent myself I really think it's cool I have so many siblings and I appreciate the fact that my mom gave me so many.  I love how in a big family there is ALWAYS something going on!  There is NEVER a dull moment and that's what I love about it.  There is always loads of energy and excitement in a larger family.   I sort of miss that.  And god forbid, when my parents pass on, it will be great to have my brothers around still. 

I absolutely love my two children and feel SO blessed.  But I can't help but feel like there are "people missing" or something...when we're all chilling out in the living room together it doesn't feel "crazy enough," like there are important energetic components missing, like there are supposed to be more people.  And sometimes I "sense" the energy of these unborn beings circulating around and I feel that more babies want to be born into our family.

Sometimes I don't know if it will be a good idea to keep having kids...Seraphina's pregnancy was HARD.  But now that she's here, I understand that I don't have to love or enjoy pregnancy to go through it and make a beautiful child...the part that I LOVE, is the labor part, and the baby part, and the raising the child part.  I feel this strong strong urge to keep having children, keep making babies, as long as I can, as fast as I can.  It could be instinct, it could be biology.  But I know I'm a good mom and I feel like I would love to be blessed with more children.  As long as I feel like I could adequately provide for their needs and care for them the way they deserve.

I asked Caspian if he wanted me to have more babies and he looked at me with bright wide eyes and said an enthusiastic, "YEAH!"  He just loves them.   He adores his sister more then I ever thought he would and is such a great older brother.  His astrology is Pisces sun, Aries moon and Cancer rising...I feel like he is formulated well by the stars to enjoy being the oldest of a big family. 

Sure sometimes there are hard days as a mom.  But you know what I figured out?  You  have hard days as a mom whether you have one child, or two children, or five children!  Being a mom in general, regardless of family size, is just HARD sometimes.  But that's definitely not deterring me from considering several more children.  The joy and the satisfaction outweigh all of that.  I would love to have six kids total...I think that would be just perfect. (Eros says four is his max...we'll see...haha)  Obviously I got a late start compared to a lot of women.  I had my first child at 29, second child at 31.    I originally thought I didn't want to have any more babies beyond age 35, but I think I'd like to spend my 30's having kids.  It feels like now is the time for that sort of thing.

Also we are a family who is obsessed with living sustainably and in harmony with the Earth.  So we have wondered if having more kids would be a drain on the environment.  But I don't think it will be as long as we keep focusing on a sustainable lifestyle...the house we are planning to build will be on solar power, well water, and we will do our best on growing and procuring our own food.  Our dream is to have a farm with fruit trees, vegetable gardens, root cellars, goats and chickens.   We feel the allure of living a simple lifestyle living off the land and our own resources, using natural materials in building and recycling everything we can to spare the planet.  I feel like this sort of lifestyle accommodates a large family well. 

In my 20's, pre-motherhood, when I was enjoying the perks of being self-serving, free and partying, taking LSD and other psychedelics on a regular basis and smoking loads of weed, I never in my WILDEST dreams thought I would one day desire to have a large family.  I thought for SURE I would never have kids.  I didn't want them, had no drive for any kids at all.  I never wanted to be a mom in the slightest.  Until I came to Hawaii and I met a lot of beautiful, goddess-like mothers who nonetheless were still themselves.  It was inspiring to me.  Moms who were exotic dancers, moms who were spiritualists engaging in ceremony, moms who hula hooped with rings of fire.  I realized that life didn't stop when you became a mom.  I started to recognize that for a lot of women, that's when life actually began...

Understanding that I didn't have to be a "conventional mother" to be a good mom, was a world-moving realization for me.  I could still be my weird, quirky, and often wild self, and ALSO be a good mom.  I didn't have to "lose myself" to be a mom...I instead could FIND myself as a mother. 

The Big Island of Hawaii worked its magic upon me and my partner...we suddenly felt like we would try to have a baby.  It felt like it was "time."  I spoke my intentions at a Goddess Women's Circle one night at Cinderland ecovillage.  In witness of my spiritual sisters, I articulated that I had found a heart-desire to be a mom.  The next month I was pregnant! 

When Caspian was born, it was like lightning struck me.  It was like ALL MY LIFE I'd been searching for this experience, but not knowing it's what I wanted and needed to feel complete.  Once my son arrived, I just loved motherhood, I loved the sense of purpose it gave me, and I loved how I always had something to do.   I loved loving my son, more love then I ever dreamed of.  And I started to want more children when he was around 9 months old.  Due o some health issues, it took more then a year to conceive our next baby...our darling Seraphina.  She was so worth the wait for me to get healthy first.  I am just in awe with love and gratitude for her. 

My health issues are resolved and I am probably healthier now, nutritionally speaking, then I've been in years.   After Seraphina was born and I held her in my arms, that's when I knew, in my bones, in my uterus, in my cells:  "I want way way more of these."   This time around I started feeling broody almost immediately after the baby left my body.  I don't know why, but it is a physical yearning to keep building my family.  I want Caspian and Seraphina to be close in age with their unborn siblings.  With my health being so good now and with me feeling so on top of everything, I really don't want to wait long to start trying again for #3. 

I want to give my children the lifelong connections and wild excitement of a big family, like I had.  

So we'll see what happens.  I would be pregnant again already if I had my way, but Seraphina needs to grow more first.  She's so new still!  I know people might think I'm crazy to desire pregnancy again with a newborn!   But it is what it is and I am who I am, and I feel like I am suited to having little ones close in age.   I feel like I understand sacrifice, and the temporary nature of these precious early years.  I feel like I have developed enough patience and tolerance to enjoy having more little ones running around.    But I know I can't get pregnant again just yet.  Pregnancy hormones can take your milk supply away and I don't want to do that to my little baby.   But as soon as I feel like she's ready (probably when she starts eating solid food) I think we'll revisit the idea of #3...

In the meantime I'll keep giving endless thanks and gratitude for these precious blessings.  <3 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Seeing RED!!

I used red henna...

I think I love it.

After two kids, all "color" had been sucked right out of my hair.  I mean I used to be a pretty obvious blonde, but my hair was darkening like crazy (not exactly brown OR blonde, just dull) and the color looked so unappealing to me.  I thought about just dying my hair blonde but didn't want to use a chemical dye.  So I decided to go the henna route and I really like the result.  It's cool I can get such an interesting color of hair just by applying a plant paste to my tresses.  

I'm accepting this as my new hair. 

And yes, in that second picture my boob was hanging out as I recently stopped nursing Seraphina but I tried to avoid direct visual contact. 

AS FOR my dreads, yes, the sections are still in there...but they are curly because they're not locked yet at all.  They just want to be wild.  There is A LOT of knotted hair though, so it's just a matter of time.   It may be awhile before I have actual locked dreadlocks.  But from my research, all it takes is time and not brushing.  I love not brushing my hair...I feel so free.  I still wash it every few days though. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

"I believe I CAN do it all."

I'm rebuilding my identity from the ground up again.  Every time I do this, I turn out better then the 'me' I was before...

I've done this twice before.  It requires a lot of commitment and drive.

A lot of determination to be the best I can be.  To do the best that I can, every single moment, day and night.

RELENTLESS willpower.  And constant, constant work. 

I can't tell you how much work it takes lately to do everything I want to do. 

I'm so determined to BE THE BEST ME.  Sometimes it means saying goodbye to who I was before NOW. 



WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE.  (Radioactive...)

 ............(his system blew....)

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Remembering Fall.

 Internally, my cells KNOW the air is supposed to be getting colder and crisper, and that the scenery should be changing all around me, exploding with an array of reds, oranges and yellows.  This seasonal change celebrates the harvest and the thinning of the boundaries between worlds.  It's my favorite season...or it used to be. 

Fall is the time when my internal clock gets the most confused.  We don't get that "fall feeling" here.  There are no changing seasons here.  Instead in Hawaii, it's warm and sunny outside like always, with palm trees and banana leaves.  In fact, if not for calenders and clocks, you would never notice the passage of time here.  The weather always seems the same, static, unchanging.  This used to be desirable, now it feels strange.  When my body is expecting a darkening and a changing of energy, the colors of a world going to sleep, there isn't any of's just bright and hot and the same like it always is.  It throws me off, every single year.  I miss autumn the MOST out of any season on the island.  I can't believe the whole rest of the country is experiencing this shift and I'm not.  It's really difficult not to have the cycles of the seasons in my life.  It makes me feel like I'm being left behind. 

This year, I am pining for fall like never before.  I feel like my head and my body instinctively seeks and desires that seasonal shift, but it's just not happening.  It makes me feel quite disoriented. I still haven't acclimated to life on a tropical island. 

I miss this:

Raising a family far away from family...

It's not easy, by any means.  It's exceptionally lonely-feeling, pretty much constantly, at least for me.  Sure I have friends...even friends that can fulfill certain familial roles.  But it's just not the same.  It feels very unnatural to raise a family far far away from people who are and feel like family.  Even having lived in Hawaii on the Big Island almost 4 years, it's hard on me.  This is a very transient place, so I've had dozens of close friends (even ones who I thought would settle down here) move away, scatter, across the globe.  Very few people stay here longer then a year.  Confession: I don't entirely feel at home here either.

I'm having a very lonely night here in paradise.   

Sunday, September 21, 2014


Sometimes it's not about talent.  In fact, I'd say that very very few people in life get where they want to be creatively by talent alone.  It's about BEING CONSISTENT and determined and not giving up.
I want to get real and think about my personal goals for every day for a moment, things that I want to do because they make me feel positive, powerful and pretty. It's important to me that I am healthy, happy and fulfilled in life, because that's what makes me a better mother.

There are a few goals I would like to accomplish every night, if my children allow me too:

1.) an hour of exercise.  This is pretty important to me.  I feel like I need to remain physically fit and able for anything else to be optimal. Right now at 5 weeks post partum, I do an hour or so of power walking and usually do about 3.5 miles at an incline and burn 500 calories.  It's good enough for now, as my pelvic floor is still healing.  I work up a serious sweat every time. 

2.) a half hour of meditation.  This is crucial for my spiritual path and to develop more mind and thought control, as well as cultivate the clarity of inner vision.  I think it's possible to tap into some truly amazing creative insights while meditating.  But more then that, I want to really get good at visualizing my intention for magic to work in my life.  I want to keep activating and expanding the range of my 3rd Eye. 

3.) two hours of novel work.  That would be the minimum.  This could be the tallest order yet, especially while I have a newborn who is enjoying more wakeful periods lately.  What I've been doing lately is writing while doing my power walk on the treadmill.  That works and helps me get ideas down at least, and a little more is done each night.  Steady as she goes.  But I want to have a solid chunk of time sitting down to lose myself in the work.   And I am getting there.  There is a routine forming.

Developing a solid ROUTINE is the lifesblood of my existence right now...and especially helpful with a toddler and a baby.   If the toddler knows what to expect next, life is so much easier.  Of course you need to leave room for spontaneity (part of the routine is getting out everyday for us, to a cool place for fun) but overall, a schedule helps my toddler feel secure.  The routine we had pre-baby was blown to smithereens when the baby arrived.  But our family does so well with a little naturally formed structure that we have swiftly developed into a new routine.  I can FEEL order arising from the chaos, and it feels good.  Routine and structure allows for CONSISTENCY in our lives...which allows me to get stuff done and meet personal goals, as a mother and as my own person.

So far I've been very uncompromising towards getting exercise in.  My partner is home at night so after Caspian is in bed and Seraphina fed well, I can give her to him to watch over while I do my workout on the treadmill.  THANK THE GODS for the invention of the treadmill!!  It's a little like being a gerbil on an exercise wheel, but with small children at home, it helps to get the job done.  I didn't really get into exercise after Caspian's birth, for months and months, so I feel positive that I'm getting the jump on it this time.  Power walking is surprisingly effective.  And it's something I feel I MUST do every day.  It's easy, just get my sneakers on, hop on the treadmill and get going.  But I am ready to start going to yoga classes again too.  Eros says he will watch the kids for me while I go to a class...I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life willing to do this.

A happy mama is a happy family = truth.

Writing-wise...things ARE progressing.  Since giving birth I have had so many illuminations in regards to my world and novel.  New aspects of the biosphere coming to life within my mind and the rambling of characters and personalities in my mind urging to me to tell their stories.  Details left and right up and down are becoming revealed to me and it's very exciting.  Also I have noticed that a lot of "multidimensional data transfer" comes to me through my son, Caspian.  I get ideas for my novel through random things that he says or does.   I was hoping for this when I became a parent, I was hoping to be inspired creatively by my children and it is happening.  It makes being a parent even more rewarding, to know that my children are helping me in their own way to be a more inspired writer.  My children are great teachers...the greatest I've ever had.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Treadmills that can hold laptops = MAGICAL!!

OH it's wonderful!  My treadmill has a platform for a laptop and I've realized that I can write while doing my power walk every night.  This is THRILLING!  Do you know how much time I'm saving while being able to write while walking??  It's INCREDIBLE.  I'm actually writing this while working out on the treadmill right now and it's making me so happy.

Anything that saves time and helps me multitask is HEROICALLY COOL.

It's amazing how effective power walking is!!  Being able to go jump on the treadmill while my babies nap is SUPER SATISFYING!  It's the only way I'm getting any exercise right now.  Why not just go outside and walk a few miles in the hot tropical sun with two kids under the age of 3??  Well I think you just answered your own question!!

I just jump on the treadmill every night and it's something I've made sure to do EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE being able to sweat again!!  Slowly but surely working up my strength, power and stamina....

My treadmill is quickly becoming my happy place!

I love it in this SACRED SPACE.