Monday, May 4, 2015

Moving through space and time together

We clasped hands in a circle.   The palm that gripped mine felt sweaty.  Velkess.  She was nervous, practically shaking, but she would never admit how frightened she was.  Next to her came Ramoth, jittery, but using humor to cover it, and then Prism, and Paloeva, both focused as ever, and then Mordemus and Ecco.  Almost totally dispassionate and noninvolved.  Ekko's hand gripping mine felt cool; rather dry, but steady.     When Ekko and I linked minds, her aumni surrounded mine with casual indifference.  The impersonalness of the touch took me aback for just an instant.  But Ekko's mind was so well-patterned; predictable, and familiar; and despite her natural aloofness, I appreciated the contact.  I took comfort in her complete lack of interest; she didn't care at all that we were about to do something so dangerous.  So taboo.  
            The room was silent except for the nervous laughter of Ramoth, and the heavy breathing of Velkess.  I slowly opened up my mind to everyone in the circle, intaking a sharp breath at the sudden wave of overpowering anxiety that surged into me. I absorbed the nervous energy of six other people, and it was all I could do to not breatk the circle and run away.  

            Ecco's grip tightened on my hand.  No doubt she sensed my own mounting dread in this transport.  My eyes flew open, and I sought to find purchase in the chaos of such inner intimacy with this many humans at once.  I flowed in and out of each of us in the circle, and fought to remain calm.  When I found Mordemus in the circle, a sudden resevoir of strength filled me.  He navigated my own metaspace efficiently.  He imparted his sense of logic and I realized something.  I had no way to know what would happen in the next few moments, but I realized that the mental closeness with all these people was necessary.  The connection was the only way we could transport everyone at once.   So  stood there, in the circle, flowing in and out of everyone and tried not to resist it.  But it was a weird sensation to be sure, to be myself and all the others, all at once.   So many histories flickering through.  So many memories, fading in and out and all around.  The experience of the connection alone was a little sickening.  

            Are you prepared?  Ekko's mental voice sounded flat and unexcited in the link.  I knew everyone in the circle could hear us, transmitted through my connective tissue.

            Yes.  As ready as I'll ever be for something like this.  I squeezed Ecco's cool, dry hand hard in response.  I needed to be anchored down.  Otherwise I would run away screaming.  I saw no point in trying to be brave.  Everyone in the circle could feel how frightened I was.  They were terrified themselves.  Nobody had ever attempted such a long jump before. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015


I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

She didn't understand.

I was cursed with the full awareness of human suffering and she seemed utterly immune to it.  At that moment, the gulf between us had never appeared so vast. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Don't mess with naptime...

Nap times are sacred, 'round these parts.  If, by the grace of the Divine, both kids go down for a nap at the same time, I use the time to completely disconnect from the world.  I don't do work.  I shut off my phone and lock my door.  I sit down and just incubate, just for a little while.   I savor the moments that I can just BE, without someone needing something of me, without me having to DO something 

It is during these moments I contemplate going to live in a cave one day, by myself.  But I'll probably wait until my kids are that I can ask if they would like to come with me.  Oh wait...

My life revolves around trying to get my baby to nap but her brother keeps waking her up over and over again.

I can GUARANTEE that if the baby is ALMOST ASLEEP, Caspian will run into the room and start talking really loudly right next to her ear, being rambunctious and disruptive.  Doesn't matter how many times I ask him to whisper or leave her alone while I am trying to get her to sleep, doesn't matter if I have given him an activity to enjoy or some snacks to eat, or invite him to read a book quietly.  I can GUARANTEE that if she is ALMOST asleep, he will wake her up.


You'd think that he would WANT the baby to go to sleep, because then he would get ALL of my attention and one on one time...but NO.  It doesn't work out that way.