Sunday, April 26, 2015

Change.

I'm starting Yoga Teacher Training on the 8th of May, 2015.  There's a serious UH UH (means YES, sounds/feels like a caveman grunting deep inside of me) with energy moving me to this conclusion

It's kind of a leap of faith on my part.  I'm having to remain fully focused on the fact that I am doing this training FOR ME.  You see, I've had people '3/5ing' all over me, the past few weeks.  It's been really tough...but in a way I believe that it was just preparing me for this new journey into yoga teacher training.  If you're doing anything at all with your life, you will always have people judging you for it.  At the very least, I'm getting a thick skin. 

I'm skeptical that I'll make any meaningful connections with anyone else in the program.  

I'm in the later part of my hormonal cycle so...I'm just naturally feeling more pessimistic.  Leading up to my period is always the worst time to start anything new.  But I'm just going through with it I guess.  By May 8th, I should be either bleeding or done with it and a new cycle will have begun and I'll be happy I decided to do this. 

In addition, the decision has been made to leave Hawaii in July and travel the mainland looking for a place to resettle.   So a lot of changes are on the horizon.  Just going with it, for the most part.  Change is a HUGE opportunity for growth.  That's why I like change. 

So even though I am feeling very vulnerable, and flawed as ever, and people are casting stones at me left and right, at least there are things happening. 

People have cast their stones at other people since the beginning of time...this wasn't the first time it's ever happened to me, and it won't be the last.  But I persevere.  I'm really good at picking myself up, dusting off, and continuing on.  

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

She didn't understand.



I was cursed with the full awareness of human suffering and she seemed utterly immune to it.  At that moment, the gulf between us had never appeared so vast. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Don't mess with naptime...

Nap times are sacred, 'round these parts.  If, by the grace of the Divine, both kids go down for a nap at the same time, I use the time to completely disconnect from the world.  I don't do work.  I shut off my phone and lock my door.  I sit down and just incubate, just for a little while.   I savor the moments that I can just BE, without someone needing something of me, without me having to DO something 

It is during these moments I contemplate going to live in a cave one day, by myself.  But I'll probably wait until my kids are older...so that I can ask if they would like to come with me.  Oh wait...


My life revolves around trying to get my baby to nap but her brother keeps waking her up over and over again.

I can GUARANTEE that if the baby is ALMOST ASLEEP, Caspian will run into the room and start talking really loudly right next to her ear, being rambunctious and disruptive.  Doesn't matter how many times I ask him to whisper or leave her alone while I am trying to get her to sleep, doesn't matter if I have given him an activity to enjoy or some snacks to eat, or invite him to read a book quietly.  I can GUARANTEE that if she is ALMOST asleep, he will wake her up.

EVERY DAMN TIME. 

You'd think that he would WANT the baby to go to sleep, because then he would get ALL of my attention and one on one time...but NO.  It doesn't work out that way. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I'm kind of obsessed with yoga right now.

Movement of the body gives me a lot of freedom.  

I just wish find more support towards that end.  It is sometimes VERY hard to make time to exercise with 2 kids who are both waking up all through the night still.   I basically have to want it bad, and then let nothing stand in my way.   I notice it seems like people think that once you get to a certain age you are supposed to "slow down."   But I want my fittest and most exuberant life to be yet to come.

 My life began with the birth of my children.  Or at least, that's what it feels like.  I don't even know what the fuck I was doing with myself before Caspian was born.  And now Seraphina...I have to wonder how I ever thought having one child was hard.  It can be tricky, when they both need something at once really bad.  You basically have to put on your "magic mom" hat, and make it work.  Do what you gotta do to soothe both at once.  And stay stay stay calm. 

Anyway, Caspian has changed my life, pretty much.   And his sister too.  I am sometimes in awe that I have a daughter still.   It has always been a dream of mine, without me acknowledging it.  I adore my son and fall in love with his cuteness more every day.  But it feels surreal to have a daughter...when I was a little kid I wanted a sister so bad, but never ever got one.  I got four brothers though.  So I guess I feared on some level that I was not meant to have a daughter...but Paetreyl told me...I had been told when I first got pregnant that he himself had a daughter.  Our lives mirror each other in the different worlds...so I knew that if he had one, I probably did too.  I just didn't know if THAT baby was a little girl...

...it was...and I swear I am falling in love with her.  I always wondered how my heart would be able to expand for another child and now it has, full throttle.  I adore Phina and it is making me feel really happy to notice that Caspian is really loving her too.   She's so precious and sooo happy, super intelligent and reasonable.   She can be talked to and truly communicated with, from a very early age.  She allows herself to be soothed.  The only time I've seen her being unhappy is when Caspian and his friends are being very loud and screaming and running around like wild boys.  She is super sensitive to loud noises and very responsive to music.   She loves looking at herself in the mirror. 

I love this little girl.  And feel more blessed every single day when I am with both my children. Our family is growing and it's exciting. 

Going to a Bikram yoga class tonight.