I'll just come out and say it: I want a big family. I was the oldest of five, and it feels natural to want the same. My mom and dad parented in a much different way then I do, and we had some rough times as I was growing up (I really started clashing with my family when I was a teenager) but overall, now that I'm an adult and a parent myself I really think it's cool I have so many siblings and I appreciate the fact that my mom gave me so many. I love how in a big family there is ALWAYS something going on! There is NEVER a dull moment and that's what I love about it. There is always loads of energy and excitement in a larger family. I sort of miss that. And god forbid, when my parents pass on, it will be great to have my brothers around still.
I absolutely love my two children and feel SO blessed. But I can't help but feel like there are "people missing" or something...when we're all chilling out in the living room together it doesn't feel "crazy enough," like there are important energetic components missing, like there are supposed to be more people. And sometimes I "sense" the energy of these unborn beings circulating around and I feel that more babies want to be born into our family.
Sometimes I don't know if it will be a good idea to keep having kids...Seraphina's pregnancy was HARD. But now that she's here, I understand that I don't have to love or enjoy pregnancy to go through it and make a beautiful child...the part that I LOVE, is the labor part, and the baby part, and the raising the child part. I feel this strong strong urge to keep having children, keep making babies, as long as I can, as fast as I can. It could be instinct, it could be biology. But I know I'm a good mom and I feel like I would love to be blessed with more children. As long as I feel like I could adequately provide for their needs and care for them the way they deserve.
I asked Caspian if he wanted me to have more babies and he looked at me with bright wide eyes and said an enthusiastic, "YEAH!" He just loves them. He adores his sister more then I ever thought he would and is such a great older brother. His astrology is Pisces sun, Aries moon and Cancer rising...I feel like he is formulated well by the stars to enjoy being the oldest of a big family.
Sure sometimes there are hard days as a mom. But you know what I figured out? You have hard days as a mom whether you have one child, or two children, or five children! Being a mom in general, regardless of family size, is just HARD sometimes. But that's definitely not deterring me from considering several more children. The joy and the satisfaction outweigh all of that. I would love to have six kids total...I think that would be just perfect. (Eros says four is his max...we'll see...haha) Obviously I got a late start compared to a lot of women. I had my first child at 29, second child at 31. I originally thought I didn't want to have any more babies beyond age 35, but I think I'd like to spend my 30's having kids. It feels like now is the time for that sort of thing.
Also we are a family who is obsessed with living sustainably and in harmony with the Earth. So we have wondered if having more kids would be a drain on the environment. But I don't think it will be as long as we keep focusing on a sustainable lifestyle...the house we are planning to build will be on solar power, well water, and we will do our best on growing and procuring our own food. Our dream is to have a farm with fruit trees, vegetable gardens, root cellars, goats and chickens. We feel the allure of living a simple lifestyle living off the land and our own resources, using natural materials in building and recycling everything we can to spare the planet. I feel like this sort of lifestyle accommodates a large family well.
In my 20's, pre-motherhood, when I was enjoying the perks of being self-serving, free and partying, taking LSD and other psychedelics on a regular basis and smoking loads of weed, I never in my WILDEST dreams thought I would one day desire to have a large family. I thought for SURE I would never have kids. I didn't want them, had no drive for any kids at all. I never wanted to be a mom in the slightest. Until I came to Hawaii and I met a lot of beautiful, goddess-like mothers who nonetheless were still themselves. It was inspiring to me. Moms who were exotic dancers, moms who were spiritualists engaging in ceremony, moms who hula hooped with rings of fire. I realized that life didn't stop when you became a mom. I started to recognize that for a lot of women, that's when life actually began...
Understanding that I didn't have to be a "conventional mother" to be a good mom, was a world-moving realization for me. I could still be my weird, quirky, and often wild self, and ALSO be a good mom. I didn't have to "lose myself" to be a mom...I instead could FIND myself as a mother.
The Big Island of Hawaii worked its magic upon me and my partner...we suddenly felt like we would try to have a baby. It felt like it was "time." I spoke my intentions at a Goddess Women's Circle one night at Cinderland ecovillage. In witness of my spiritual sisters, I articulated that I had found a heart-desire to be a mom. The next month I was pregnant!
When Caspian was born, it was like lightning struck me. It was like ALL MY LIFE I'd been searching for this experience, but not knowing it's what I wanted and needed to feel complete. Once my son arrived, I just loved motherhood, I loved the sense of purpose it gave me, and I loved how I always had something to do. I loved loving my son, more love then I ever dreamed of. And I started to want more children when he was around 9 months old. Due o some health issues, it took more then a year to conceive our next baby...our darling Seraphina. She was so worth the wait for me to get healthy first. I am just in awe with love and gratitude for her.
My health issues are resolved and I am probably healthier now, nutritionally speaking, then I've been in years. After Seraphina was born and I held her in my arms, that's when I knew, in my bones, in my uterus, in my cells: "I want way way more of these." This time around I started feeling broody almost immediately after the baby left my body. I don't know why, but it is a physical yearning to keep building my family. I want Caspian and Seraphina to be close in age with their unborn siblings. With my health being so good now and with me feeling so on top of everything, I really don't want to wait long to start trying again for #3.
I want to give my children the lifelong connections and wild excitement of a big family, like I had.
So we'll see what happens. I would be pregnant again already if I had my way, but Seraphina needs to grow more first. She's so new still! I know people might think I'm crazy to desire pregnancy again with a newborn! But it is what it is and I am who I am, and I feel like I am suited to having little ones close in age. I feel like I understand sacrifice, and the temporary nature of these precious early years. I feel like I have developed enough patience and tolerance to enjoy having more little ones running around. But I know I can't get pregnant again just yet. Pregnancy hormones can take your milk supply away and I don't want to do that to my little baby. But as soon as I feel like she's ready (probably when she starts eating solid food) I think we'll revisit the idea of #3...
In the meantime I'll keep giving endless thanks and gratitude for these precious blessings. <3