Friday, September 14, 2012

Carry On.

Sometimes (often) it feels nearly impossible to find the words that adequately describe how I feel.  I get lost in the sensation of my emotions and forget to communicate.  This is almost always a fatal flaw.  But how to find the language to put a images to the internal state of my reality so that people can understand?  It's tricky.   I've been in a real growth process where things I "thought I was over and done with," are suddenly flooding out to sweep me away.   Like, WHOA, where the FRAK did that come from?  I thought I'd moved on.  I thought it was all over and done with, an open and shut case.  Not recently...that is.  Apparently some emotions I'd stuffed down about my past were resurfacing to haunt me.

The easiest way to handle it is to talk about it.   But I can't even do that.   So I'll just beat around the bush a little, and hope that suffices.  It doesn't...but it does relieve some of the pressure.   So at least I'm not boiling over and completely shutting down.

Essentially, you work on yourself, constantly, and hope that it's enough.   Sometimes it is.   Sometimes you think you fixed something and you're over it.   But you're never really "over it."  You just learn new ways of coping until you've acclimated to it.  But sometimes a westerly wind blows unexpectedly and carries with it new ways of feeling old emotions.

And then what do you do?  You feel them.  You can't help but to feel them.  You wonder how you are going to function in life.   And then you just do.    You think, "Well, I guess I just need to find new ways to live."   And you do.  You figure out what you need to do and you do it.   Because at a certain point, there's no choice.  It's a matter of soul-growth.   You can't just let yourself get dragged down.  Too many people are depending on you.   You have to just keep bouncing up, and grind on.  

Being a mom is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  It's taught me a lot about tenacity and the drive to "keep going," even when my body and soul are completely breaking down.   It is such a PROFOUND responsibility and no matter how topsy-turvy my inner world gets, I still have to keep calm and carry on.   That's the thing.  I can't just "freak out" anymore.   I have to keep it together.  For the whole family.   People are DEPENDING on me.

It's a new feeling, and it's a heavy one.   Will my knees buckle beneath the pressure?  No, they won't.  Because I have trained for this my entire life.  These seas are filled with chaos, and yet I am sailing on.   Onwards and upwards, to the central point of my being, where I understand that I create it all.   So I'm holding it together, at the center.  It's the only thing I can do.  I will find a new way to live while I process all these intense emotions cascading through my body.   I will come out stronger in the end.  I always do.

In the meantime, it's keeping busy which is making the most sense.  There is always something to respond to.  So I am simply losing myself in the momentum.  Maybe that's been the secret all along.  Staying busy for me offers both sanity and stability.   It's about time I figured it out.   I can't handle 'being me' sometimes.  So I'll just BE BUSY instead.

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