Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It's a Rainy Day

I have no idea if it's because of where I live (in Hawaii, with no family and like 1-2 friends total, who I rarely see), or just because it's the way motherhood is...but raising children mostly on my own is probably one of the most lonely and isolating things I've ever done. 

That's the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, for me.  Again, I don't know if it's because I live in Hawaii that makes it this way, or if it would be different if I lived on the mainland.  On the mainland there are way more mom's groups I could join, especially if I lived near a larger city.  I could make more connections.  More reasons to leave the house everyday. 

I really struggle with connecting with people here on the island.  Or if I do connect, they leave and move away next week or something.  Many times I've made "playdates" with moms only to have them cancel on me, or blow me off.  There isn't much consistency. 

I'm a social kids are not to the age where we can have a long chat about life...I try, I really aim every day to have insightful conversations with my children (even if they can't respond, as in Seraphina's case), and I even calmly explain exactly where I am in life, but Caspian just looks a bit confused and says, "What are you talking about, mama?" Haha.  They're so little.  And I cherish it...I don't want it to end...and yet I'm so lonely for more grown up companionship. 

Each cihldhood stage has its rewards, I guess. 

Because I am the main adult that they interact with day in, and day out, it's very important that I have my shit together.  So I have to be ON and strong and positive for them, a LEADER.  That's what a good mother is.  A leader for her children.  And I am getting better and better at it.   I just didn't realize that being in this role for years on end and being the main one these little beings look up to would involve such penetrating loneliness.  

I LOVE being home with my children.  But I also feel lonely and isolated like never before and don't know if it's normal or not, if it's because that's what motherhood IS, or if it's because I don't have any local support and am raising these kids mostly by myself. 

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