Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Changing me, from the outside in, inside out.

It's metamorphosis time.  

I need to feel like I can change.

This is a time of wild transformation.  I'm just going with it.  

So much is different, and I'm getting my bearings.  

I know SO MUCH needs to change.  My appearance is changing by the day...not only due to the pregnancy, but there have also been cosmetic changes as well.  I feel more and more drawn to body modification, in the form of dreadlocks, gauged ears and new piercings.  I'm letting myself go in a way I never have before.  I just want to do what I want.  Seeing changes to my physical appearance (other then the big belly) appeals to me greatly.  I'm drawn to creating myself as I need to be.  It doesn't feel entirely conscious.  A lot of these cosmetic decisions are intuitive, instinctive.  I just want to adorn myself the way I want, and screw all convention.  Changing my look is what's helping me continue to feel attractive, despite starting to get heavily pregnant.  

I can't tell you how much more beautiful I feel in pregnancy, when I dread a piece of hair, or gauge my ears more, or put on some lipstick and a pretty outfit.  Life is 10x better in pregnancy, when I shift my appearance somehow.  I have experienced being completely sick, rundown and depressed, and a simple change in clothes like a slinky sundress, a super comfy and gorgeously colored harem outfit, and tie-dye yoga pants can revolutionize my energy and make me feel so activated and confident.  With this pregnancy, I have to keep mixing stuff up.  In fact that's been the theme of the entire experience so far.  Gotta keep shifting around.  

This period of dramatic change is indicated in my decision to amplify the storyline to my novel, turn it inside out, and make the premise galactic in scale.  I finally came to an understanding of what I need to do, in order to keep the story flowing.  It has felt like it hasn't been getting enough oxygen or something.  I needed to change a crucial piece of the world design, and completely change a perspective from a very important vantage point.  It's become paramount now that I go along with these changes, even though they are grand.  It can't be all about the biosphere.  It just can't be.  It's also about multi-galactic civilizations.  It's about the connection to Old Humanity, and where the future of our species is heading.  Most of all...it has to be a good story.  Which requires me to open up, let go, and literally think outside the box.  It's a big deal.  It means things are going to start happening again, pretty fast...my first book has just gotten a jolt of revitalizing energy.  

Pregnancy-wise...I am getting bigger and bigger.   I forgot how impressive a preggo belly can get in the last trimester.  My baby is a pretty fierce mover lately.  It literally feels like he/she is trying to break out of my belly at times.  The baby is breech, so hopefully it will turn soon.  My midwife said that the baby so active is a sign that he/she is trying to move head down.  Having a breech baby (head in stomach) has meant a return of sickness and upset tummy.  Hunger is periodic...I am starting to feel starving...but unable to fit much in my belly with a big head smashed into it and constant nausea.  Roxanne (midwife) says that when the baby turns, I'll have more space and less pressure for my stomach again.  But I'll probably get kicks in my ribs as the trade off. She's sure the baby will move head down soon.  I hope so.

In the meantime, I will just keep growing and changing.  Embracing the wild metamorphosis.  

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