Saturday, January 4, 2014

Going Inside. Staying Calm.

Now is a time to go inside.

I feel disconnected from everything, and everyone, except what's going on inside of me.  This inner body awareness feels sharper and more "activated" then its ever been.  We'll see how it goes in the long-run, I guess.

I'm still pregnant, 3rd time in 2013 (first time in 2014).  I will be 8 weeks tomorrow.  I'm coming up on the time when my first baby of 2013 stopped growing and died.  I didn't find out until nearly 11 weeks, at an ultrasound.  And then I had to convince my body to miscarry the dead fetus, using herbs.

But this pregnancy is different.  I FEEL very pregnant.  I feel like something major is going on in my body right now.  The baby at this point is the size of a blueberry.  It's hardly a blip on an ultrasound.  But it has form. Its existence reorders the female body systems to accommodate it.  This can be a very overwhelming experience for women who are very sensitive to the hormones involved.

I've been feeling pretty yucky lately.   Like, seriously gross, and run down, like I have the flu or something.   Throwing up here and there.   Feeling tired a lot, just wiped out, no matter how much sleep I get.  Feeling my body begin to swell in strange but familiar ways.  It's a HUGE change now, compared to the life I had just a few weeks ago, being so active and ferocious.  Now I seriously don't recognize who I am right now.  It's an odd feeling, and it lets me know that my body is housing another soul other then my own.

I think this baby wants to be born.  I think this baby is a tough one, a fighter.  I just feel it.  It's gonna be a Leo, born in August.  The Lion.  And in Chinese astrology, it will be a fire horse.  I'm feeling it.  I'm feeling like this is going to happen.  I got tired of all the other souls who didn't want to be born.  I asked the universe for a tough cookie.  Someone who could handle this difficult world we live in.

Sometimes there's nothing much in the womb.  That's what my second miscarriage of 2013 was like.  I don't know why these things happened to me, why these pregnancies failed.  I think it could be a genetic issue...but I think lack of certain of vitamins can cause a less the perfect expression of the genetic configuration.  This is what I think happened.  It's just a theory.  I think changing my diet and making sure I'm hardcore regulated on taking all the right vitamins, probably made a difference. Particularly if I was low in something before, like Vitamin A.

Now I'm pregnant again.  It's felt different from the beginning.   I have faith everything is okay.  I've got to.   Well I just FEEL IT...I feel a life force inside of me.  It's very detectable at this point, let me tell you.  After you've been pregnant a few times, had one and lost one (or two), you know more about what you're looking for in what you feel.  Anyway, I've been doing a TON of inner work on myself this year due to the miscarriages, and really started focusing on the health of my body in a new way.  Eros too, has been supplementing, taking his vitamins and focused on being healthy in a balanced way.  I think the results have only been positive.  And I see this pregnancy as proof of that.

But we'll see.  I have an ultrasound on January 20th.  I don't feel afraid though.  I just feel calm and relaxed.

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