Thursday, October 17, 2013

Becoming a Warrior despite the sadness and loneliness inside.

It's hard to know what to say, as I already regret putting my "personal life" in this blog.  But it is what it is, and I swore when this blog began that I wouldn't delete anything.

I am feeling very different then a lot of people and like most folks don't understand me at all.  The experiences the past year have changed me irreversibly.  I am thankful for these changes, as I feel like I have become a better person inside.  At the same time, I HAVE changed, and it's truly like nobody gets me now.  I continue my life with solid determination, unwavering focus and drive, and a sadness inside.  The sadness never really goes away.  I guess it is just part of me now.  The important thing is that I stay determined and NEVER GIVE UP.  That is the most important thing I can do for myself in life.

I am a mother, but I am also a writer.  I am also someone deeply interested in health and how it relates to food consumption.  I am also into fitness and exercise, and wanting a powerful yet beautiful body.  Balancing it all is challenging for me.  Motherhood is the main game right now, but writing my novels is a close second.  And to make this engine work properly, it has to be given the appropriate fuel.  Sadly the fuel I was giving myself for years thinking I was doing the best thing for myself (a whole foods mostly raw vegan diet) ended up really screwing up my entire body.

Miscarriage after miscarriage, hair falling out, horrible skin problems, tooth problems.  My health was failing and fast.  Thank god for my body protecting me by miscarrying my last baby, otherwise I never would have broken through to the realization that my diet wasn't working for me anymore.   It's sad to say but I am thankful that I lost that baby, because if I hadn't I would not have had the motivation to change my ways and my health would have just continued to decline.

I'm on a good healthy path now though, and am getting stronger each and every day.  I am eating a high-plant paleo diet...I eat animals now and feel 100% okay with this.  My health and the health of my family is the most important thing to me.  If something isn't working, I gotta change my path and I have.  So now it's just time to stay determined and focused on the goals I have in life and watch  my health grow.  So far I've been very pleased.  My energy has exploded with the dietary change and I've been working out nonstop, biking 10 miles a day among countless other exercises.   I'm really hoping to see some very big changes in the next few months but I know I gotta give myself time to adjust to this big shit in a new direction.

I still find myself harboring an inner sadness at times.  I don't know if it's because of the miscarriages I've suffered this year, the fact that my partner and friends are never emotionally available for me, the fact that I live on an island away from everyone.  The fact that I just seem to be "forgotten about" in this world...I'm "just a mom..." I'm "just a mom" who is striving with all my might to write this story that constantly wells within me.  I've done so much work on it the past few years and I feel like the end is near...I think I could finish it soon.  I gotta put in the time though and the only time I have available is at night, when I'm at my most tired.  So I quaff the caffeinated tea and hope for the best, just knowing that I have to keep hammering away, have to keep going, keep going, keep going, and NEVER give up, NEVER, until it is DONE.

I don't feel connected with people anymore.  I just end up feeling used.  People love to use my energy in various ways.  I have always just accepted this throughout the years, as I do enjoy feeling "useful..." but after awhile, at the end of a long day, a long YEAR, a long SEVERAL just sort of want to be appreciated and valued for who you ARE, now what you can energetically provide people.  :(   It's tough because I find myself being a "support center" for other people so often that I feel like that's all I'm good for...very few people are supportive for me when I need them.  And I'm not the type to ask, anymore.  I'm just not.  I've learned that in this world, I must stand alone.

It is not an easy thing.  But I am determined and resolute in my ambitions to be the best person I can and I have gotten VERY good at self-care over the past year.  I have learned how to nurture myself and nourish myself and pamper myself in as many ways as I can because the world sure as hell won't be doing that for me.  I have to carve out space for myself and I have to be strong-minded about doing so.  I have to be strong-minded about giving myself everything that I need in life, otherwise I will just wither away into nothing.  And I'm not like that, anymore.  I'm not going to just fade away, or yield to what other people want for me.  I am going to RISE UP and consciously create the existence that I WANT for MYSELF and my children..  I am going to keep building myself up, stronger and stronger and higher and higher, until I am shining so bright that I blind anyone who looks my direction.  

I am, at my heart, a WARRIOR.  I have a warrior's spirit.  HATERS BE DAMNED.

So I don't expect people to understand me.  I know I'm unusual.  And I do feel that inner sadness.  But you know what?  That bit of sadness inside me is fueling my fire and helping to sustain a growing intensity and drive.  NOPE I don't need support.  I have to stand on my own.  I also am not open to allowing anyone to drain me for energy anymore without an equal exchange.  I don't have the energy to spare for those types of one-sided pity games; I don't want one-sided friendships and I want to attract only resilient strong people in my life from this point onwards.

So that's what I have BECOME.  I am strong, determined and focused.  I will achieve my vision.  I will experience superior health and happiness.  I will live my dreams.

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