Monday, September 30, 2013

Gathering Rains

I am going through a very difficult time of my life.   2013 without a doubt has been very harsh on me.  Living out here in Hawaii with very few friends and almost no family, my husband gone or busy all the time working towards his degree, and a miscarriage at the start of the year.  7 months of hoping and hoping to get pregnant again, and then finally it happened, on the due date of my lost baby I found out I was expecting again.

But the shit storm just keeps coming.

I just found out that the pregnancy I have going on right now may be at the brink of miscarriage.  I am struggling to have faith at this point.  It would be my second miscarriage this year.  Only 2% of women miscarry twice in a row.  How on Earth did I get so "lucky?" so exclusive???    I've never "won" anything before.  :(

Of course I still have faith.  There is still a CHANCE that everything will be okay.  A very slim chance, but it's there.  Next Wednesday I will find out if this is a viable pregnancy or not.  I feel so strange inside.  So empty and not even really worried, just accepting.  But also like my light that I spent years maintaining and nourishing is close to oblivion.

A dark cloud of depression has settled over me and I'm finding it hard to break out.  The lifestyle I have cultivated in Kapoho, Hawaii, living under a tarp in the jungle, now seems intolerable.  I long for seasonal changes, no mongoose, flies or fireants.  I long for dogs and a nice home up in the mountains on the mainland somewhere, somewhere in Oregon or Washington.

This isn't a very well thought out entry. I am just typing.  Typing out all my feelings.

I feel lost and confused and like my faith in a "higher power" is shaking to pieces.  I can try to hold it together but all I can do now is pray for a miracle.

please baby, please baby.  Please baby, grow.  Please baby.   I want you.  Everything is fine, all is well.  My baby is fine, all is well.   I hope.

Edited update: all was not well.  RIP little one, October 2013.

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