Thursday, September 19, 2013

Pregnant Again.

I am indeed pregnant.  This is my 3rd pregnancy. 1st one was normal and resulted in my beautiful son. 2nd one was a missed miscarriage, in February of this year.

 Now that I'm pregnant again I'm feeling so many things. All I can do is cry and worry.  :(

 My major symptoms at around 5 weeks are exhaustion, nipple pain, and mood swings.  NO nausea yet but I usually don't get it until 6/7 weeks.  I am suffering so bad with depression and anxiety right now.  Thanks to the trauma of my miscarriage I feel like I am just constantly waiting for it to happen again, even though I do have a better intuitive feeling about this pregnancy.  I just feel so worried and sad and feel unable to shake these feelings, I am constantly either crying or upset about something.

 My beautiful son Caspian keeps me grounded and is obsessed with babies (he so wants to be a big brother) and I just hope all is well.  He constantly begs me to show him pictures of babies on my phone or the computer.  He looks at pictures of babies smiling and he starts giggling and says "babies, babies!" If I show him a picture of a baby crying, he looks at me with big eyes and starts crying.   He will go up to me and pat my belly and say, "babies babies!"    I think he really really wants to be a big brother.  I just feel so depressed and sad and anxious about it all.  I wish I could know now if everything is okay.  I just feel I don't even know.   I wish I could just sit here and cry all day.  But I can't.   Eros will be gone all day long and I'll have to...pull it together or something.  There is so much to do and so little energy to do it with.

I'm just feeling so alone out here on this rock in the ocean.   I miss my mom and my family too.     I just feel so scared all the time, wish I could just relax but I don't have a scan for a month and my doctor won't do bloods because "he doesn't think it is necessary."    I worry about symptoms I'm not having and symptoms I am having.  Despite my exhaustion I have been forcing myself to go on bike rides and work out when I can because it's the only time I am able to stop my overactive monkey brain from driving me crazy.  

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