Monday, September 9, 2013

Is that you, #2?

I am so emotional right now.  I don't even know how to feel.   I had "a feeling" that I might be pregnant, so two days before period was due, I took a pregnancy test.  Big fat negative.

But I couldn't shake that I was pregnant because I started "acting pregnant," as in having a lot of behavioral randomness with food and soul-desires that I remember from the other two times I've been pregnant.  And I've felt a little "off."    A bit nauseated and just not very hungry...usually around my period I'm ravenous.

So today, my period was due.   I was waiting for it expectantly.  But the behavioral randomness was continuing.  For example, I am usually content with Cinderland.  But every time I get pregnant, I suddenly want to leave and get my own little spot away from everyone.  So I kept finding myself thinking that I want to move from Cinderland, all day, and even preparing to do so.  

That's when the hunch hit me, maybe I should take another pregnancy test, I'm acting a little pregnant.  So I did, and I saw a faint positive line.

Now I don't know what to do.  All I can do is wait.  I am not getting excited.  But I want to be excited.  :(  But I can't be excited.  I don't want my hopes up.   I am not naive anymore.   But I have heard a positive is a positive, no matter how faint.  People are telling me that I might have just implanted and to take another test in a day or two to see if it gets darker.   What's crazy is that a few days ago I had a thought around implantation when I felt a little stabby pain down where my uterus is.  Just a few quick stabs.  And I had some "blood flecks" when I wiped.

I've been FEELING very "close to pregnancy" the past few a subconscious awareness that I'm getting close to being pregnant again.  I thought it was just my biological and emotional want.   Though tonight that faint positive's maddening.  I don't know how to feel.   Maybe my period is late.  Maybe I 'WILLED' the faint positive line into existence.  It's there though.  Eros confirmed it.

Now I just have to wait.   If it's legit, the line will get darker over the next 2-3 days.  So I'm forcing myself to wait and test again in a day or two.  I'm pretty much just trying to ignore the fact I ever saw that faint positive line.   Because I am already terrified about miscarriage again, if it IS legit.   Faint lines worry me.

Oh well.  Gotta stay positive.  I was hesitant to tell anyone anything.  But at least here on my blog, I can just let it out.

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