Monday, September 9, 2013
Is that you, #2?
I am so emotional right now. I don't even know how to feel. I had "a feeling" that I might be pregnant, so two days before period was due, I took a pregnancy test. Big fat negative.
But I couldn't shake that I was pregnant because I started "acting pregnant," as in having a lot of behavioral randomness with food and soul-desires that I remember from the other two times I've been pregnant. And I've felt a little "off." A bit nauseated and just not very hungry...usually around my period I'm ravenous.
So today, my period was due. I was waiting for it expectantly. But the behavioral randomness was continuing. For example, I am usually content with Cinderland. But every time I get pregnant, I suddenly want to leave and get my own little spot away from everyone. So I kept finding myself thinking that I want to move from Cinderland, all day, and even preparing to do so.
That's when the hunch hit me, maybe I should take another pregnancy test, I'm acting a little pregnant. So I did, and I saw a faint positive line.
Now I don't know what to do. All I can do is wait. I am not getting excited. But I want to be excited. :( But I can't be excited. I don't want my hopes up. I am not naive anymore. But I have heard a positive is a positive, no matter how faint. People are telling me that I might have just implanted and to take another test in a day or two to see if it gets darker. What's crazy is that a few days ago I had a thought around implantation when I felt a little stabby pain down where my uterus is. Just a few quick stabs. And I had some "blood flecks" when I wiped.
I've been FEELING very "close to pregnancy" the past few weeks...like a subconscious awareness that I'm getting close to being pregnant again. I thought it was just my biological and emotional want. Though tonight that faint positive line...it's maddening. I don't know how to feel. Maybe my period is late. Maybe I 'WILLED' the faint positive line into existence. It's there though. Eros confirmed it.
Now I just have to wait. If it's legit, the line will get darker over the next 2-3 days. So I'm forcing myself to wait and test again in a day or two. I'm pretty much just trying to ignore the fact I ever saw that faint positive line. Because I am already terrified about miscarriage again, if it IS legit. Faint lines worry me.
Oh well. Gotta stay positive. I was hesitant to tell anyone anything. But at least here on my blog, I can just let it out.