Thursday, July 19, 2012
I want to be a better person.
I think everyone does...right?
When I look at Caspian, I am LITERALLY FILLED WITH SUBLIME JOY. It's like nothing else I've ever experienced.
I just want to be the best I can possibly be, for him...and yet I'm not even sure what that means. I have this big hang up with seeking perfection, in myself and others, and then getting upset when this ideal is not realized. Of course it's NEVER realized. Nothing (and nobody) is perfect.
What I've realized with my novel is that I just gotta let it FLOW
I'm obsessed with getting it perfect...but what does that even mean? Perfection is unattainable...isn't it?
I'm not gonna try to be someone I'm not. I'm not some super-hero. I'm not a super-mom. Though you can frakking bet I try to be.
In my day-to-day, I'm working on cutting out all curse words and using supplements like FRAK and SHIZNIT and SHISTA.
Frak and Shista sound like a pair of people I haven't met yet. Maybe a pair from the Otherworld.
In my HEAD...my REALITY...there is always two (or more) of me.
This world is a dimension and in certain places...there are tunnels that you can vortex into, that send you through other dimensions.
Right now our dimension is colliding with another one. That's why things seem so crazy and messed up.
I'm pretty sure that it's more important now to BE YOUR HIGHEST SELF then ever. The land of dream and activated thought consciousness are becoming One. That means all of our thoughts, have an immediate and dramatic effect on our landscapes. Everything is way more intense. And some people can't handle it.
I have days like that. Where I just collapse under the pressure of being AWESOME all the time.
The goal is to invigorate the soul and get going. Don't stop. Just let EVERYTHING be how it's supposed to be. Which is an BEING OF PERFECT LIGHT. That's how everything is without the ego of thought.
I've realized that to be a perfect being of light, you basically have to get empty. You have to stop having the ego of thought. I don't think thought can be anything but egotistical, by default. It's what creates MAYA, this labyrinth of illusion masquerading as reality. DIRECT EXPERIENCE, and emptiness...is what you need. You don't need thoughts to be that being of light. Instead the PRESENT MOMENT, no thoughts, being beingness...is what it takes. Especially when you are being artistic or creative.
Here's my special challenge lately: not FORCING anything. When I speak of this, I mostly think of my immediate reality. I can't force anything anymore. I'm letting it all go, and flow. My reality is more hospitable to me by far when I LISTEN TO MY SACRAL and not try to make anything happen.
WHEN i TRY TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN...bad things happen. I'm serious. I literally cannot manifest shit. I mean, shiznit.
So instead, my plan is just to let go of everything and wait to have things to respond to. This is the actual strategy for a Generator of sacral authority with spleenic definition. I work best with impulsivity, in other words. "Things to respond to," can mean anything. But usually from my experience, it's like a little "jump of attention," in my sacral.
Having a bunch of thoughts in your head can really mess up the sacral readings. Emptiness. Yes, that's what I need. I actually understand that now. In order to write this story, I need to be EMPTY. I get it.
I didn't realize that, I guess. I thought writing the story of a cosmic telepath meant I needed to be as thoughtful as possible. Which, in my case, is bordering on insanity. But NO. The truth, is that to be able to cope with all the information said telepath is throwing at me, I need to be as EMPTY as possible. That's the true definition of being a channel...empty, allowing through.
And not WORRYING. Not controlling anything. Letting go...letting God.
Vanishing into the Void.