Flowy Gush.

The real trick is seeing Paetreyl in everyone.

I wanted to talk a little about how my experience as a mother has affected my relationship with him.

During my pregnancy, we hardly communicated at all. Sometimes I would see him giving me a little knowing smirk (who knows what that meant) but we didn't really exchange words at all. Creatively, I felt stunted; blocked up. Like I was PLUGGED. The first part of my pregnancy I wrote on my book quite a bit, but gradually I lost more and more interest. The hormones being what they were in pregnancy, I had no desire to work on my novel at all. I couldn't care less actually, funny enough.

I still don't. But things are better. I am more in touch with him. Being a mother puts me in a space where I feel like I have to “Be On” all the time, constantly. An effect of this phenomenon is greater contact with, well, everything around me, inside of me, etc. It can get so overwhelming...to Be On all the time. So the best way to manage the energy, is to simply funnel it into something. So since I've had the baby I've been changing the way I function on a fundamental life level. And I realize that the way you deal with having to be constantly On all the time, for the sake of another being, is to be artistic, creative. For me, this means constantly funneling all that awareness into my creative centers.

Here's the weird thing; I feel like HAVING the baby unblocked me in some way. It popped my creative cork or something, to have Caspian burst forth from me. I feel so much more...FLOWY, I guess, since he came into my life. And yet more determined and driven then ever, like a GUSH of something ethereal is still pouring forth from me.

In life, you have to assume that everything you do or say is being monitored in some way. Even when you think you're alone, you're not. So you have to be ON, all the time, because you ALREADY have an audience. You are being watched RIGHT NOW, with interest. From what, or who? I can't say. There are a few opinions out there. But I'm looking really really far out, really really high up, to take a peek into WHO is watching my every move. It's not the Government, though I'm sure they are too. It's something else...some Spirit who is observing everything I do, waiting for my next breakdown, waiting for my next breakthrough.

That's Paetreyl. At least, that's who it is, to my perception. My Friend in Spirit, from another world, in another place and time.

So right now, we are in tentative contact. At least, I'm aware of him being aware of me. And that's a really positive place to be as a writer. Someone who wants to tell his story for him. He's just WATCHING and trying not to bother me so much. But I think he is taking an interest into this whole process of me being a mother. I don't know why...the experience simply seems to connect us more at the seams. It seems to hem us together in a way we've never been before. My CONTACT, which is to say my awareness, of Paetreyl, a sense of living spirit, has increased. I am being pushed to my limits as a mom. I'm only 4 months in, and I strive to be activated for every moment of the day. I'm fully aware of the tender soul on my hands at all times. Paetreyl watches this in me, sees me compelled to care for this little being so completely there is never anything lacking...and he wants this. He's fascinated by this type of love.

He's not what a lot of people in his world think of him. He has been wholly misrepresented, through the ages. They think he is a monster, whom they must worship. They are in a web of lies created by their own fears about him. At least, that's what Paetreyl says. Like any good reporter, I strive to get the whole story about him. I want him to tell me everything through a telepathic link; and once we are joined, once we are connected in just the right way, there is no way he can hide the truth of what he is, to me.

Some people think him a demon. Some people think him an angel. Some people just think he's a human being, like us. He's never anything really, besides what we see him as. What he and I have in common is that we both roll our eyes at our respective worlds, and say, “Whatever.”

In our universe(s), you really got to just tuck yourself into a groove. And forget about everyone else.

Sometimes you have to write about things that hurt the brain to think about. The catch is keeping it away from who you are. You're just the vessel. You're just the conduit. The message has nothing to do with YOU.

Paetreyl's great nemesis is Prem. The most AWFUL THING. The disastrous, hideous, frightening, black, evil, putrid THING. All humans have it in them. All of them are inherently terrified of it. And it can take any form there is. It's the Thing that Ruins Everything. It's murderous, to say the least, and epically twisted. It's the thing that dismembers you and feeds you to itself. Prem: The Zombie God.

You can push your illusion on anyone, if you're Prem. That's what makes him so terrifying. Ninth Circle Beings aren't anything to sneer at. You'd just better run.

When you have a baby, you become a portal to the Beyond. Like it or not that's sort of how it is. Then it feels like once your portal has been opened, the Beyond just streams in through. I'm still in “Beyond” mode since having the baby. Feeling like what I did was very very important, incredible and soul empowering. Because it seems like a HUGE DEAL, in retrospect; to have a baby. Much MUCH more huge of the deal then I'd ever thought, before Elan came out of me.

Because it feels so HUGE (...”I had a baby...” is the thought that occasionally hits me) I tend to see life so differently then I did before. The very experience is like nothing I've ever felt before. I've never had these hormones before, this body before. The body I have now is totally different. And you just got to accept that. The way I feel, hormonally, is totally separate and unique to anything I felt previous to the birth. For some reason I just really feel that having Caspian has OPENED me in so many ways. It's realigned everything that I am, and it's something you just got to get used to. There's no going back afterward.

I have definitely gotten more OCD since having the baby. I feel...like I have to just stay constantly busy. Like I seriously need to get things done. The work of a mom is NEVER done. I think I'm just now realizing what it means to be someones mother. It means stay ON for the baby's sake...100% of the time. Your awareness must be at fever pitch, at its highest vibration all the time. But it's not hard to do...because hormonally, Nature wants you there, at that spot, for your baby...IF you accept the new level of openness that is inside of you.

My friend Paetreyl is a telepath. To get into a telepath's head isn't always easy. But don't bother trying. If they want to get into yours, they will. You can always trust a telepath to make contact FIRST. Don't worry about it...you'll likely be hearing from them even if they don't first make themselves apparent.

They are driven to communicate, every one.

There's some sort of technological-biology thing going on with Paetreyl. I've been trying to figure it out for ages, but the exact composition of who he is remains to be seen. Something alien. Something off. He's nothing like you'd think he is. Maybe he has nano's inside of him.

So I don't bother getting into his head. He shares with me, and he wants to tell me everything. He's lived for century upon century, and I have the feeling that things are coming to a close for him in some way. So he dumps loads of information on me, stuff that just all seems connected to the same Story. Like it's all part of the same thing that he urgently wants me to take note off. I do take note...how couldn't I note. Experiencing what I write is practically orgasmic to me. Whatever flows through, feels like birth...like the portal is open, pouring forth it's lingo.

When Caspian's head popped out of my yoni...it felt INCREDIBLE.

The contractions, the pushing...felt crazy painful. But when his head finally popped out, it was like a blast of YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!