Sunday, April 29, 2012

Motherhood: 9 weeks post-partum

Being a mother is amazing.  It's difficult and it's wonderful and it's mystical.  Absolutely magical. 

During my labor with Caspian, I felt I was very close to death at some points.  Ego loss.  I thought multiple times, "Surely this is the most pain someone could be in without dying."

It was incredible.  I hung in the second stage of labor for 3 hours, the pushing stage, which is a very long time.  If I'd been in a hospital, they'd for sure have given me a c-section instead of allowing me to continue to push to have the baby.

But I was at home with midwives, and they and my birth team encouraged me to keep going and to try HARDER, push HARDER.  That the baby was ALMOST HERE. 

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down.

I felt so close to death.  I wondered what would happen if things did not go well.  I was so desperate to push out the baby.  It was the most desperation I've ever felt in my LIFE.   I just wanted him out.

That's the frame of mind you get into in labor I guess.  Your whole purpose in life reorients, all your life force goes into pushing out that baby's head.  All of your focus in life narrows to one point in existence. 

The head pops out, and it feels like...relief.  Like GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.  I can see orgasm, but it's more spiritual then that.  It's not an orgasm, it's just SUPERNATURAL. 

Then the rest of his body shot out and surprised the hell out of me.  After hours of relentless pain, suddenly there was only him.  He suddenly appeared, out of nowhere.  All purple and red and wriggling.  He fell out, with arms open.  He burst out in a gush of flesh and fluid, it was soupy and vast, a colorful experience imprinting me for life.  Inspiring me for life. 

The midwife grabbed him as he burst out, her hands worked quickly, and suddenly I heard his voice.  He realized he was some place new.  He opened his mouth and wailed.

It sounded like a loud Aum to me. 

I couldn't believe what I saw, what I'd just been through.  It was perfectly amazing.

That's something I have been thinking about so often.  How difficult my birth was, how wonderful it was.

Intensely mystical.

And still is.

The Motherhood Experience is really captivating me.  I'm entranced by my own child.   He's just more beautiful, and becomes more precious, every single day.  To tell you how much I love him, would break your mind.  It's beyond anything.  I understand now, in a sense, a great many things about love now.  I've never loved anyone so much, and it's scary.  But it's so fantastic, I don't care.

My labor ripped my body, and my heart, open.   Now it's just pouring love.  I am so in love with my son, and so thankful for him.  I'm still dealing with the ramifications of my labor.  My body is still healing.  But Caspian makes me whole.

When he gets fussy, sometimes he pokes out his outer lip and tears fill his eyes.  I love him so much it just looks unbearably precious to me.  I realize I would do anything for him.  I know I have never felt love like this before, and that now I understand what unconditional love is.  It feels Godly, and pristine.  When he opens his toothless mouth into a wide smile and his eyes widen at the sight of me, I feel like the Chosen One.  There is nothing I'd rather do or anywhere I'd rather be other then right there with him, forever or something.

He's 9 weeks old now.

You have to be strong the first few months.   Nonstop sleep deprivation, erratic eating, wild and unnerving hormone shifts.  And a helpless creature who has need of your best self, all the time, always.  You feed him with your body, still reeling from the intensity of birth, trying to get him to eat.  And after a few days, struggling with the pain as he feeds, adjusting body, breasts aching.    You just continue on.  You just continue.

Because it gets better every day.  

Because it's all worth it.  You wake up at night for a co-sleeping feed, for your baby whose every movement and shift you are so attuned to.   You look at his delicate face, hardly fathoming who he is, or where he comes from, but knowing he is the most cutest thing you'd ever seen.  The most beautiful.  Shadows dance on his tiny face, and you can't look away from the beautiful curves of his cheekbones, his eyelids.  You feel so drawn to him.  You should be sleeping but instead you're watching your baby breathe...

It's worth it.  You continue, knowing it is.  Up every 45 minutes for a feed.  For perhaps weeks. Months. 

Right now I'm spending a lot of time "listening" to my baby...I just listen to him without reacting energetically.  It's like true hearing.  He has A LOT to say, a lot to communicate.  That's all this is really...getting to know your baby is understanding how to communicate with him or her.  Baby's are sentient.  They are much more aware and wise and mature then people think.

You listen to what they are saying, and you react accordingly, letting instinct be your rudder through motherhood.

It's not easy.  It's real hard.  I'm so tired all the time.  And hungry.    I'm even a little broody, sort of missing being pregnant.  There's been hormonal shifts. 

But my baby is wonderful.   And I think it's just going to get better.

Time is passing in a funny way.  I can't keep track of it.  Where did 9 weeks go?  It's pretty confusing. 

Time is passing at the speed of light now.   I can't believe it, every moment occurs so quickly.  Why? When Caspian smiles at me, gives an impetuous little coo, it's like time halts.  And then I look up and 9 weeks have gone by.

At this point I really want to challenge myself to rise to my fullest potential as a human being.  At no other time in my life has it been so important, so vital, to be the best me I can be.  I have things about myself I need to work on, to reflect upon, to change.  But I will persevere.  I always do.  And now, it matters.  It matters more then ever.

9 weeks post-partum...things are getting easier now.  I am in the flow of my baby.  I am more or less used to the sleeplessness.  Breastfeeding has become second nature.   I can feed anytime, anywhere, and I'm starting to really love it.   He looks up at me, and his gaze is so adoring.  When it's time to eat, he smiles and giggles at me, as though he's so excited to be at mommy's breast.  And my heart just explodes.  I think, "how can it get any better?"  But it does.  It really does.

We go everywhere together and I'm getting out more and more every day.  I can put him in the baby carrier quickly and know exactly what I need to do with my movements so that he'll settle down and relax inside of it.   I am learning how to pack the diaper bag for long excursions, so that wherever I go with Caspian he will be comfortable and we'll have everything we need.  We go on long walks together around town, and it's usually the highlight of my day.  I take him out to parks, to the waterfalls, to the beach, and he and I play together beneath the trees, beside the ocean, enjoying the breeze on our skin.  

I've learned how to pay attention to his subtle signals, so that I don't have to use his cotton diapers all the time.  My baby is a naked baby most of the day and I love it.  I want to look at his cute baby butt every chance I get, I don't want to cover it up.  I don't want him to sit in his own waste.  I just listen for him to tell me when he needs to go potty, and I hold him over a bowl, and he goes.  Sometimes he doesn't tell me, and it's okay.  I am totally accepting of everything about him, including his potty urges.  I love everything about him, even his poop, puke and pee.  It's all so beautiful to me.  I'm his mother and none of it bothers me. 

Every day we get more confidence together, as mother and son.  And it's just WONDERFUL. 

 I am learning that I want to be SWITCHED ON every moment of every day.  Because Caspian is just WORTH IT.  I just want to be the best mother I can possibly be.  That's my task right now in life.  It's more then a job; it's my life's purpose.

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