Friday, October 10, 2014

I want...I want...I want...

Writing this from the treadmill, but kind of having an off day.  I feel like yelling, "why doesn't anyone care about me???!!!"  I just feel a bit unsupported and on my own in life but whatever....that's why I sweat it out every night.  If I don't feel like running (or can't, in case of an injury, like I've been dealing with recently) I just do some yoga or weight training. 

To be honest, the only time I start to feel a shadow of some post partum depression is if I don't exercise.  I ABSOLUTELY need to work out every night, or I just don't feel that great and kind of defeated.  But if I work out, and really get sweating, I end my day feeling like I accomplished something after all.  Exercise helps me stay empowered and focused, which is pretty crucial to my process...basically it helps keep my brain working too.

Tonight I edited and "tightened up" about 9000 words of my novel...basically fine-tuning.  I'm editing chapter by chapter to make sure everything is super smooth...I haven't done this yet for MOST of the "stuff..."'s been something I've been needing to do for a long time so that I have a better awareness of "where I'm at..."  The entire thing (book one) is about 130,000 words.  And NOT DONE YET.  Drives me mad.  So I'm working towards DONE right now.  A painstaking and meticulous editing eye is part of this process. 

So I don't know if this is due to being post partum, or just driven to make the most out of my night and "solo time," but I have been staying up later and later.  It's sort of crazy right now...I'm lucky if I go to sleep before 2:30am in the morning...Caspian gets up at 6am, sooo...I am pretty much a perma-zombie.  I can't seem to get to bed before 1am now.  Once in bed I just lay there and think and mull over things.  So since that seems like a waste of time I just stay out of bed doing things until like 2am while Seraphina sleeps downstairs hanging out with me.  Then I take her and myself up to bed and....yeah I still just lay there sleepless...

I wish I didn't need to sleep.  I really do.  I have a lot of stuff I'd like to do.  I'm getting more and more tired though.  And it's not because of my baby this time!  Seraphina sleeps pretty great in the evening.   She will go up to 5 hours without a wake up the first part of the night.  But it's just my unwillingness to sleep that's the problem...I just need to make the most of this child-free time right now.  I have a lot I need to accomplish in life and can just sleep when I'm dead. 

I want a fit body and I want a clean house and I want a finished novel. 

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